Cheated in the Past

[norage]

So I've been in this relationship for 11 months. We've had our ups and downs, but in general a very true and loving happy relationship.

It has always been uncomfortable talking about each other's ex's. but it has gotten better. From what I've known, her ex's were extremely upset and angry at her. I always just thought it was from a bad breakup. Not too inclined to ask.

Anyway, a few days ago a guy I knew she had seen in the past that I knew very little about scaresd her with an online posting about how he hates her etc. she asks me to do something about it. I started asking her about this relationship and she was very veg. And slowly I began discovering loop holes in her story about her relationship with this guy and her ex. And the more I pried the more I found out.

She had been lying to me about this past relationship. Apparently she cheated on her ex and played this guy and they both ended up finding out, which obviously ended everything. She has kept this from me the whole time, I guess for obvious reasons.

I am very hurt and uncomfortable to know my girlfriend has cheated in the past. I am also very frustrated she had made up lies about it. Do you guys think these lies were to protect me?

If she is lying about this, how many other lies has she told about us and her past? I always thought of her as this innocently sweet girl, but now I know what she has done. I actually can side with this guy and her ex and know what they mean when they call her scum, who would do something like this?

The funny thing is I know she loves me alot and I love her too. She has done nothing in terms of betrayal or lying in this relationship. (except the covering up of the past). I ask her for time away from her to think and she does not give it to me. Is she afraid I will discover more things?? Am I being unfair to her by distancing myself. I feel I have lost trust in her.

And to make things worse, she is about to go out of the country (where she originally cheated on her ex) for the next few weeks. Can someone give me an unbiased look? Am I just insecure myself and should accept her for who she was and realize she is a different person now? It's hard for me, I have always valued honesty and always told myself I would never be with a cheater.

Am I being unfair to her? Stupid? Am I wrong to ask for some time... is this even something thinking of breaking up over? Sorry for the long email. Thank you for any help.

[Rosebud]

OK, first off you have a right to be mad that she lied to you... which also is normal form one who has cheated. Obviously this may be in your mind now that she may cheat on you but you have to look at things differently. what's in her past is in her past. I assume she didn't tell you because she liked the innocent girl you had portrayed her as. You do need to communicate to her that it is not ok to lie to you about anything and that by doing that she will lose your trust. But you cannot hold her past over her head. You can keep it in the back of your mind for reference but not for guilt or questioning of her. Did that make sense?

Asking for time I'm assuming is because you can't feel you can trust her which is understandable, but don't take time just because of her past.. If you don't feel you can trust her then you should probably break it off, unless this relatiosnhip is really wroth it to you. And if she doesn't want to give you the time you need it may only push you away anyways and make you resent her even more.

[Junsui]

Like RB said, you do have a right to be upset about her lying to you. I wouldn't break up with her over her past though. I have to say, I cheated when I was younger. Yes, I've been ashamed of the crappy things I have done and that maybe why she didn't tell you. Of course, I have been completely honest and upfront with my bf about my past.

[shh!]

How much time passed between the time they broke up and the time you two got together?

As Junsui pointed out, her cheating was may have been a part of her growing experience, and she probably learned her lesson. If things are going well for the two of you otherwise, I wouldn't dwell on her past.

I have another perspective about her divulging her history to you. I don't see why details of her sexual history is any of your business, and since people tend to make judgements based on past behaviors, I don't blame her for keeping it to herself. She obviously had a good reason to keep it to herself if 11 months into this relationship you are upset about it.

[whaywardj]

What you should do is not let anything she's done in the past, is doing in the present, or might do in the future have any bearing on what you need to do for yourself. Her actions are hers. Yours are yours. She'll either give you and the relationship due respect. Or she won't. And you will respond to the best of your abilities either way.

Right now, it appears your best is to be worried and suspicious. Right now, her best appears to be wanting it to be okay to be completely open and straighforward with you, but doesn't exactly know how. Otherwise, she wouldn't have asked you to intervene in a circumstance she HAD to know might lead to some uncomfortable revelations.

In general, I agree that someone's sexual past is none of my business, unless they want it to be. Evidentally, this woman wants you to know her history and accept her regardless of it. That was her then. This is her now.

If it were me, I'd make little or no argument over her past behavior. I'd be very clear, though, that deception in any form is something I have a real problem with and that, if she's going to engage in activites which might oblige her to deceive me, even slightly, perhaps it would be best for all to part company right now.

[norage]

Thank you.

[clynn]

Yeah, I'd let the past be the past.

Doesn't seem as though she is repeating this behavior with you. Besides, you don't really know the circumstances surrounding all of this. Perhaps it was ugly on all sides and not just hers. Of course she wouldn't talk about it with you because people like to keep that "ugliness" away from new relationships.

[carpflounder]

Its no big deal. Everyone lies these days..don't read too far in to it.

[misombra]

So I've been in this relationship for 11 months. We've had our ups and downs, but in general a very true and loving happy relationship.

It has always been uncomfortable talking about each other's ex's. but it has gotten better. From what I've known, her ex's were extremely upset and angry at her. I always just thought it was from a bad breakup. Not too inclined to ask.

Anyway, a few days ago a guy I knew she had seen in the past that I knew very little about scaresd her with an online posting about how he hates her etc. she asks me to do something about it. I started asking her about this relationship and she was very veg. And slowly I began discovering loop holes in her story about her relationship with this guy and her ex. And the more I pried the more I found out.

She had been lying to me about this past relationship. Apparently she cheated on her ex and played this guy and they both ended up finding out, which obviously ended everything. She has kept this from me the whole time, I guess for obvious reasons.

I am very hurt and uncomfortable to know my girlfriend has cheated in the past. I am also very frustrated she had made up lies about it. Do you guys think these lies were to protect me?

If she is lying about this, how many other lies has she told about us and her past? I always thought of her as this innocently sweet girl, but now I know what she has done. I actually can side with this guy and her ex and know what they mean when they call her scum, who would do something like this?

The funny thing is I know she loves me alot and I love her too. She has done nothing in terms of betrayal or lying in this relationship. (except the covering up of the past). I ask her for time away from her to think and she does not give it to me. Is she afraid I will discover more things?? Am I being unfair to her by distancing myself. I feel I have lost trust in her.

And to make things worse, she is about to go out of the country (where she originally cheated on her ex) for the next few weeks. Can someone give me an unbiased look? Am I just insecure myself and should accept her for who she was and realize she is a different person now? It's hard for me, I have always valued honesty and always told myself I would never be with a cheater.

Am I being unfair to her? Stupid? Am I wrong to ask for some time... is this even something thinking of breaking up over? Sorry for the long email. Thank you for any help.

your girlfriend at least has some attributes. 1) deception. your girlfriend has mastered this art seeing as she was able to actively decieve two men for an extended period of time... no, 3, including you.

sorry to tell you this but simply put, your girlfriend is a liar. she has mastered her skill to such perfection that she appears to be sweet and innocent. be aware though, that behind her innocent fascade, is a liar and a cheater.

[mini696]

Yet you also managed to turn her plea of help (to do something about er ex emailing her) into a problem with what she did in the past.