Any Advice.... married 2 children

[jesseda]

My wife like any other women wants to be able to do what she wants. Not to be told what to do or have her life managed especially my her husband. We have been marrried for 6 years and lately she has been wanting to go out to the bar with her friends. I was cool at 1st then I started to become controlling i guesss by calling her all the time and asking her every move pretty much. Then it got worse because i kep it up, she statrted staying out later and then it got even worse just lately when she would go out and not answer her phone and then come home very late. i was stressed about what she was doing and why she needed to go out so much, i guess I pushed her into doing that and the more i pushed the more she rebeled. She wanted me to leave after our last fight two nights ago. She said she wanted a divorce and such, and didnt really give in, then the following day she said she wants a seperation, she didnt tell me if we'd get back or not but that she needs time alone right now. it is killing me so much because I love her but I know i was stupid and messed up because i called her so much and was over bearing. I keep calling every now and then trying to work things out but she says she needs space right now and not to call her. i love her so much and the kids too and i want her back. How can i go without talking to the one I love for so long, I would probably have a better chance if I stopped but every minute I know she is not with me it hurts so bad.. Advice on how to get by and get her back please!

[chelsee]

sorry dude, but the i need some time alone thing probably means she wants to split up

[kikiboo]

Hi Jess,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. The bad news is, the only way you can get her back is if she wants to come back. I don't think you necessarily were wrong. Unless you were calling her with a very aggressive tone and hostility or if you were hostile to her when she returned, she would hold that against you.

But if she was happy in the marriage, I don't see why she would be so mad that you called all the time. Also, if she were happy, she would be happy to discuss why she wants to go out and not be mad when you bring it up.

Sounds like your wife is not happy about something, and you need to ask her what she is really unhappy about. Splitting up because she wants to go out more often sounds VERY immature. I think there might be something more behind all that...

Why didnt' she like when you called? Do you think she was seeing someone?

[vashti]

On the other hand, maybe you were too clingy, and if she already has two little kids to care for, she may not have appreciated taking care of your neediness. It could be that, or she could be seeing someone else.

Either way, there is not much you can do except protect your interests with regards to the kids. Don't act like a wimp. She needs to see you acting like a man if she has lost respect for you, which is what it sounds like. And stop calling her continuously. It is obnoxious and definitely won't further your cause.

[chelsee]

it's hard to indicate exactly what it is that good be bothering her. if she's stuck at home alot with the kids and doesn't have much time to herself i can understand the need for her to want to go out with her friends.

she may not have wanted to answers your calls because she thought you would ruin her evening by giving her a hard time.

i think you really need to sit down with her and discuss what's going on.

[gingerbabe86]

i really hate wat u'r going through right now. U'r just being a caring and responsible parent and husband. All she did was go out and party until very late at night and now this.. she's not even considering wat this might do to the kids. this is just bad.. well all i can say is give her time and kikiboo is right.. the only way to get her back is when she's willing to come back and realize wat a great family she has right now with a great husband and 2 children.

[indigosoul]

Sorry fella, but after 6 years of being married, a woman doesn't suddenly decide to go out to bars. More than meets the post here, folks. Address the reason WHY she felt she needed to go out in the first place and you might have a chance of improving your relationship. Good luck.

[whaywardj]

Sorry, buddy. Sounds as if she's already gone and has been for awhile. If she's at all ambivalent about breaking up, you might have a chance at reconciling and moving on together. If she's made up her mind to move on, you may as well start drawing up the property and custody settlements today and join a support group for part-time daddies. If worse comes to worst, try to keep in mind it all wasn't all on you. It takes two to tango and she placed a hook or two of her own in the dance, I'm sure.

[Tone]

What's done is done.

You know you messed up.

Could it be other reasons behind it? Sure, of course. The psychics on LF seem to think so. But I think it's more than likely you being so nagging and controlling. Because I'm sure you're not ONLY that way when she goes out.

So she wants a seperation. What else can you do but give her space and time? If you don't, you can be sure to lose her forever by continuing to call her/nag all the time and asking where she is who she with how many she had, etc. That will be sure to push her further away and help reinforce her decision to leave you.

[jesseda]

Thanks for the insight I really appreciate it. To be honest there was a time when she would go out and I would be fine with it because i would get my time to go out with my friends as well. But one night she got a DUI and I was with her so I really wanted to start cutting down on going out all the time because of the risks that come with it. She settles down for a while but then gradually going out again, the more she kept going out the more clingy i got i guess. i would call her and ask when she would be home, or sometimes even throw an attitude for her going. i thought since I gave it up she would too but instead the more I tried to control her going out the more she would go out, kinda like a kid would do the opposite of what a caring parent would do. Not that im ascting like her dad, I just care for her and the kids and want to do what is right for them. Regarding the seperation, I have been getting mixed feelings about it because she wants to be seperated yet she wants me to come over and watch the kids while she goes and gets her hair done or hangs out with friends. It would be easier for me to just say NO and let her deal with it herself but she instead dumps the kids on her mother to watch them, and I am in a hard spot because if she is just going to do that I'd rather them be with me.

[TAVS]

She's gone, sorry

[vashti]

The way you worded this is odd:

"she wants me to come over and watch the kids"

Most parent's don't call it "watching the kids" as if they are the babysitter. It is usually more of a "spending time with the kids" arrangement. I would bet she wouldn't call it "watching the kids" when she is in possession of them.

Don't you have a regular visitation schedule? Please don't tell me you've abandoned your responsibilities to your kids.

Edit: I guess it just sounds to me like maybe you consider spending time with your kids to be some sort of favor you are doing for her.

[jesseda]

Oh and regarding her seeing someone, i strait up asked her if she was and told her that if that was the case it would be very easy just to drop all of this and move on myself, she says no that is not the case. She made a comment yesterday after I asked her, i said I need to know if this is over because i need to move on and she was like I don't know, i need time. Then she said all we can do is give it time and maybe be friends but hopefully it downs go like that. (so to me she sounds like she is indicating she doesnt want to go the route of just being friends unless it comes to that) just kinda mixed messages ya know?

[jesseda]

Vashti - No sorry the way I worded it , she wants me to spend time with the kids while she goes and gets her hair done or whatever. but I feel like Im just being a babysitter FOR HER. And no I have not abanded my kids. i have been with them the last 2 nights and the 1st 2 nights of our 5 day split so far. So far from it. And I am watching them tonight so she can start a part time job, then again this weekend so she can go out and drink.

[vashti]

I don't think you should be looking at spending time with the kids to be a favor you do for her. Do you consider it a favor when SHE has the kids?

Anyway, you need to set a regular visitation schedule and then stick to it. She can take care of getting her hair done when it is your turn to care for the kids.