+ Follow This Topic
Results 1 to 14 of 14

Thread: consolation prize

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    7

    consolation prize

    Hi all, i put this exact post on facebook,
    Matt to Matters!
    13 years ago today i lost the love of my life Matt.
    13 years later i finally found someone to love again and share my life with, thankyou Andrew Matters.

    I lost my husband Matt in a car accident.
    Now my new partner feels as though he is a consolation prize and thats the way it comes accross because of the way i worded it! This really hurt my feelings as it isnt what i meant at all. How can there be a consolation prize when the first prize never exisited. He thinks because i wrote 'the love of my life' and at the time he was the love of my life and still is but he is no longer with me, and now i have found the new love of my life. It just really hurt me he thinks i would think like that. And he actually loved my post with an emjoi and i said dont love it then if you dont mean it and he said its the polite thing to do, i said no its not thats just being fake. Another thing he recons is all his friends see it the way he does cause none of them reacted to the post. I said its more likely none of them know i lost my husband till now. Anyway please tell me if im blind, and it really does come accross as he is just a consolation prize. Thanks in advance!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    626
    You can word it how you like, it is your relationships, your life and you right. He is being too sensitive about it. Love is shown by actions too, so why would this short message negate how you love him in his mind?
    “Accept — then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”
    ― Eckhart Tolle

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    7
    Thankyou for replying, he is a little sensitive at times

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,769
    If you know he is sensitive what makes you carry his problem out into the public?

    If you know that some people stubbornly think that only one love of your life is possible what makes you tell him that your late husband is?

    If you are so happy that you are happy again
    If you are glad because you never thought that you could find another person whom you could love as much as you loved your husband
    If you love him for filling the hurt in your heart with new hope and life and love
    What makes you stop and just stupidly word all that so it hurts him instead?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    7
    Because i didnt think i had worded it wrong, he said he sounded like a consolation prize, i was meaning it to be a compliment!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,769
    And obviously he didn't get the meaning

    So instead of making the compliment REACH him you fight for who is right?
    That sounds like the best way to make him ease up and really get how much you love him.


    Watch for your response when talking about emotional stuff
    If your conversation partner doesn't get it don't be offended
    Rephrase
    State common ground rephrase again
    Until he gets it

    Stop being the one who wants to be right. In communication as in relationships it doesn't count who is right
    It counts what message is received

    And yours obviously wasn't.

    So don't be an ass
    Apologize for phrasing it badly
    And tell him what you really mean and how you really feel towards him

    And stop bickering

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    7
    I did appologize and told him how i feel!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,769
    And?

    (At least 10 characters)

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    2,175
    I think it is more how it made him feel or maybe how he had already felt and reading that somehow confirmed something in his mind, whether true or false and that is why he took it so badly. People are allowed to have first loves, you lost your love through accident not through choice and that is a hard thing to reconcile with and maybe your new love should have compassion regarding that with you, and you with him too on his sensitivities. An I am sorry should suffice, if not maybe a long chat is in order.
    “The world would be a nicer place if everyone had the ability to love as unconditionally as a dog.”

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    7
    Thanks appreciate your words. We are all good now. It wasnt like we had a huge fight over it i just wanted peoples opinions.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Your Worst Nightmares
    Posts
    4,993
    I think this may be one of those cases where there is no right and wrong, per se. Because I disagree with those claiming he was "too sensitive." I could understand him feeling like you saying your ex was the love of your live would mean that he is NOT. Should he have just assume that meant you thought of him as a consolation prize? Absolutely not. But, he can't help how it made him feel. He's not wrong for feeling how he feels.

    Rather than worry about right or wrong, you should make it clear what you truly meant. Rather than it being an argument, that is an opportunity to explain it to him. Explain that he is also the love of your life. That it can be more than one person. That you are with him now and wouldn't change that. Etc. etc. It sounds like you are saying maybe you did that, so hopefully he understood and accepted that.

    So you weren't wrong for saying that about your ex, but I don't think your current fella was wrong if that hit him the wrong way either. Communication is key.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    346
    As always EJ...by reading your facebook post, sair, I didn't find it to be threatening or insensitive but, no one can compete with the memories of a dead spouse. He is entitled to his feelings. Maybe he feels insecure that you would bring up your husband to begin with. Cut him some slack. Let him know how thankful you are to have him. Leave the past in the past.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Your Worst Nightmares
    Posts
    4,993
    Agreed, I think that is sort of naturally how anybody would feel even just a little bit. Sure, some people would understand enough to let is slide and just figure it was exactly the way you worded it to us... but I think anybody's gut reaction, at least to some degree would be slight jealousy.

    He could have handled it better, though, that's for sure. But, he also could have handled it much worse.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Gender
    Female
    Posts
    2,175
    [MENTION=78758]sair[/MENTION] Happy you both worked it all out.
    “The world would be a nicer place if everyone had the ability to love as unconditionally as a dog.”

Similar Threads

  1. BBC News : A Nobel Prize for beauty – and truth
    By loveforum in forum Relationship News
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 16-10-12, 01:00 AM
  2. BBC News : Nobel Prize in economics awarded
    By loveforum in forum Relationship News
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 15-10-12, 08:20 PM
  3. BBC News : Africa leader prize to be awarded
    By loveforum in forum Relationship News
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 15-10-12, 07:41 PM
  4. BBC News : Nobel Peace Prize awarded to EU
    By loveforum in forum Relationship News
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 12-10-12, 06:30 PM
  5. I am the prize
    By the_robot in forum Broken Hearts Forum
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 11-04-10, 07:42 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •