So very Hurt

[HurtDude]

I just sent my ex of 8 days this letter. We had a very intense relationship where we honestly felt like we loved each other. i am 19 and she is 18 Someone please read it and tell me as to how she may react. The relationship ended with me leaving her in a hurtful way because she cheated on me and then regretted it.
HERE IT GOES

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I don’t know who I am writing this to or why. Perhaps it’s a fickle attempt to organize the many feelings and thoughts racing inside of me. Maybe I’ll give this to you, [EDIT], with the hopes that you’ll realize what you mean to me. Yes, I do still use the present tense. I just hope that you would read through this, and not stop midway. As mentioned before, I just need to organize my thoughts, hence there are no accusations or finger pointing here.

I won’t forget the day I met you. You were walking so innocently, unsure of where you were. You were in person, what I had felt inside the entire week. I dared myself to approach you, to tell you that you were quite possibly the prettiest girl I had ever seen. To tell you, that when I first saw you a nervous chill ran down my spine. I’m normally aggressive with girls and usually get what I have my eyes on. But I never expected to make a move that quickly, though you gave me no choice by leaving the lobby so suddenly.

What happened next is a distant blur. A memory of a conversation I’m pretty sure I handled well. You gave me your number without me asking for it, and it made me realize what a little guts can do for you. That night, we played the question game, and as usual you made me go first.

I won’t forget who I spent the night of Katrina talking to, listening to music on my laptop, and the soft humdrum of your voice in my ear. The next time we would talk would be on my way to DC. I still won’t forget the hefty amount of text messages you sent as I was driving 95 mph. And if I didn’t respond to you quickly enough, you would send a brand new batch. I remember being somewhere in Tennessee and telling you, almost very indirectly, that I had fallen in love with you.

The next few months would be the happiest months I’ve ever had. The trouble and toil of school met with the comfort and pleasure of talking to you. The idea that at the end of a very lonely place, are the arms and heart of a girl who loved me, almost as desperately as I loved her, was the biggest high I’ve ever felt. Much of the way you made me feel had to do with the way you are. I seem to be attracted to the type of girl who has problems in her life, but though she doesn’t know it yet, has the power to burn through all of them. I saw and still see that in you. Its partially why I am writing this letter to you, I fear you’ll forget about me very soon. Unlike you, it takes me a little while longer.

Somewhere during the fall, you left me almost as suddenly as you came into my life. I have my doubts about why you left, but that is besides the point. When you left, I was overcome by disappointment. But it was short lived, and for the next 3 days I moved on thinking I’d never hear from you ever again. By the third day I had almost completely gotten over the fact that there was a strong possibility of a long term relationship with you.

But then, again you waltzed back into my life. You don’t even know how to waltz and you still managed to find your way right back to me. It was unexpected, but it was a welcomed return. I had realized that I missed you so very dearly.

I still remember getting that card from you, with the lyrics written to me, thanking me. When it was I who should have been thanking you for the numerous “Te Amo Mi Papi” texts that made me so happy.

I wanted to make you realize that love is not something you talk about, or see in the movies, but its something you feel for someone. But in the end you cannot make someone feel love, they have to feel it willingly. I genuinely think that you did love me. If not, you’re a very good actor.

As October and November rolled on, I fell more and more in love with you. The inescapable feelings I had for you were now overwhelming. When you asked for space, I nearly had a heart attack, thinking you were leaving. But I gave as much of it as I could to you anyways. I took that time out for myself as well, to figure out a way to not become so attached to you. I felt…..gray, if you will.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier than the moment I stepped off the plane knowing I was about to see you. As soon as I saw you again, I don’t doubt that my heart reached the pinnacle of its happiness. I write these things not knowing whether you felt the same way. But, I loved you, so very much. I don’t know if you still love me, but a good friend told me that when that feeling of “euphoria” runs out, it means you’ve reached a point in the relationship where you begin to love someone for who they are, and not how they make you feel. I have a feeling that the plane ride back to Virginia is going to be immensely painful because I know that in [EDIT], is the heart of a girl I hopelessly wish I still had.

The end of December was…awesome. Spending time with you was a bit strained due to the fact that I did not have a car. But I figured we loved each other enough for that not to be a problem. And it was only a temporary problem at that.

It was becoming more and more obvious that my parents wanted to meet you. My family began asking me to ask you to come with us to dinners, to restaurants. But I could not tell them of what had happened. They still don’t know fully, and I don’t know if I’ll tell them just yet.

Its January 11th now. the past week and a half has been the roughest between us. I don’t know how you feel at the moment. One day you love me, one day you don’t, then the next you are not sure. I don’t know what the time apart between us has done for you, I hope that its finally made you realize whether or not your feelings for me are still there. For me, its made me realize certain things about who I am and what I want.

I don’t know what is in the future for us, because I don’t know your heart. But I know mine. I’ve reached a point now where my mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. My heart tells me that I feel for you something very true, more than I’ve ever felt for anyone. It tells me that this is merely a very rough spot in a relationship that is far from over. My head tells me the end was nigh almost 6 days ago. Sometimes it tells me you never loved me at all. Right now its telling me you’re reading this and hoping it’s the end because you have to go pee or something of that nature. But most importantly, its telling me that this letter is meaningless to you. That you feel nothing. That we are truly over forever. If that is the case, then I will leave it up to you to make the decision of whether or not we become friends, nothing, or more than friends. But do let me know.


In the end, it matters not who hurt who and why. Honesty, love, truth, justice, glory, dignity, integrity, and all other virtues are not things. They are not measured by the person who says them…they are measured by the quality in which that person believes in them. A few nights ago when you told me you were going to change, it was the quality of the way you said it that made me believe you. You should never change for someone else, you should change for yourself and I hope that is still a priority for you. It is for this reason that I make my case to you and to everyone else. I’ve only talked to two people about the details of what has happened between us. Its no surprise what a best friend would tell you when they learn you’ve been cheated on. But my case is this, I trust you. And I believe in it so supremely, that it makes moving on very hard. Forgiveness is both the hardest thing to do and the most rewarding. I do forgive you. I forgave you before you even made a mistake. I forgive you because I know that if I were to do what you did to me, you would too, forgive me. I’m glad you make mistakes, it shows that you are human more than any of your daily good deeds could.

I care so deeply about you that it hurts to ponder the fact that perhaps I was in love with a beautiful girl who never existed. Other times I remind myself that you did exist, and if nothing else you made me the happiest person for quite a while. If we are over for good, then so be it. I walk away knowing that I loved you, I treated you as best as I could from far away and with no car, and that my only mistakes were my temper and my curiosity. Maybe I've made more mistakes than I realize, but if I have, then I apologize.
Perhaps, somewhere deep within you, is the girl that had made me so nervous…that I just had to find out her name. And perhaps, the end of us will not come until “death do us part”. I leave the ball exactly where it should be, in your court. But I send the ball to you with a very small note attached to it. It reads: "I love you [EDIT]"

~[EDITED]

[clynn]

Wow. That was a long read.

Does she want to get back together with you? I'm not sure from the letter.

Well, hang tough. Your relationship was long distance? That must have been very hard on both of you, and often it can be very difficult to sustain.

Nothing hurts quite like a broken heart.

[HurtDude]

Wow. That was a long read.

Does she want to get back together with you? I'm not sure from the letter.

Well, hang tough. Your relationship was long distance? That must have been very hard on both of you, and often it can be very difficult to sustain.

Nothing hurts quite like a broken heart.

Yes the relationship was long distance.

She called me after she read the letter. She told me she had feelings for me but doesn't know about the intensity. She also doesn't know whether its love she feels but she says for sure that she does not want a boyfriend right now because she needs to focus on her life and she wants to have fun in college and not have to worry about maintaining a relationship.

Is this all bull? Our convo on the phone got cut off because she lost service, i called back but she didnt pick up and hasnt called me back since.

What should i do from here on out assuming I'd like o have her back in my life.

[Rosebud]

Well it seems as though she is trying to move on with her life without you. I think for her not answering the phone when you called her right back is her way of avoiding continuing the conversation you recently had. I wouldn't expect you to hear from her soon. All this stuff is painful for anyone to go through, and the hardest part is breaking ties with them. But you have to do it for yourself. Whatever the reason you two aren't together anymore, she has made it clear she does not want a relationship with you but does still care. Don't try to pursue her anymore as you may find yourself getting hurt again.

I suggest you let her go and move on with your own life!

[Bluevetteracer]

Dude, move on.

It is hard, and it hurts, the worst pain a guy can feel. Been there, done that. But you know what, it goes away, and you will meet a women that can fulfill your heart.

Sounds like things were starting to flame out, and you just kept it going to long.

There are times that love just dies, because it was not meant to be. Love and lust are very different, and the whirlwind that sweeps us up in the first year can wane away if not fueled by true love.

My point is, that just because it was not meant to be, does not mean you have to hurt each other. Let it go, and love it for what it was.

I had a "women" that was 6 years my senior that I was dating when I was 23. We dated for a year, and it was awesome. She was dynamic, sexy, educated, classy, and walked like an angel.

I was in pilot training, and getting ready to move on. She wanted to settle down, and really did not want to move.

Here is what she said to me.

Like the song, she said,

"Let me hold you close, and say this as gently as I can".

She told me she loved me, always will and she will never give away the part of her heart she gave to me. She said "You are a free spirit, and need to live and move around, and take it in". And for her, she wanted to get married, have kids and settle down. She knew me better then I knew myself.
I told her no, I loved her, and to come with me. She smiled, hugged me, and told me that it would hurt like hell, but we were two hearts, in the wrong time. She told me she would always love me, and would never forget the time and memories we made together.

Today, 7 years later, I look back, and love her for what she was, and for being a very happy part of my life. Sure it hurt like hell without her, but I met someone new, and she just became a memory that I thought of with a smile. I would go back and feel all the hurt again, to spend that year with her, knowing that it would come to an end.

My point is, some things are not forever, but are so good, that it is OK to spend a part of your life, and your heart with them.

[HurtDude]

Well.

We had a long talk yesterday and she told me that she believes very much so that she and i will be back together in the future.

She told me that we should remain friends and see where that develops.

Later in the conversation (by this time she had alot to drink and was clearly tispy) she asked "What if you love someone but you dont want to be with them?" i didnt know how to answer.

I feel like if you love someone you'd want to be with them. because eventually the person waiting might lose interest.


Anyways today we had a minor fight and she said in a text message "u know what leave me alone until your anger goes down and then we'll talk"

she hasnt answered my phone calls or texts since then.

And i dont know what to do..is there any hope with this girl? I love her so very much, but if i choose to walk away i know there is no turning back.

Should i just do no contact until she calls me? or should i call her in a few days?

[gHEXjt]

You should go no contact HurtDude. That question she asked you, "What if you love someone but don't want to be with them?"--that is a clear indication of how she feels. She doesn't want to be with you. About 6 months ago someone I loved and was with for a very long time broke up w/me, only to tell me that she loved me and didn't want this breakup to be forever. For the next 3 months, I heard these same things: "I still love you," "Don't want this to be forever," and of course, "We need to be friends or there's no chance in the future." Low and behold, after those 3 months I asked her a question on the phone about whether or not she would like to see each other and see how things go. This wasn't a good idea, as I was instead informed she had a new boyfriend and that she never wanted to be w/me again. There it was, the deathblow. I had held onto hope for an extra 3 months, thinking there was a chance, when there wasn't. So I basically put off moving on for 3 months, and when I finally had to it was really rough.

So I have a few questions for you regarding your now "friendship" with her--When you speak to her, is it anything like it used to be? Is it really tense and you avoid certain subjects?

When I spoke w/my ex after the breakup, the relationship we had was a mere shadow of its former self. It was like when she brokeup w/me, she was too much of a wuss to tell me the truth, so then she rarely called me, and when she did talk to me, it was like a pity discussion. She'd let me tell her how things were going, but not really say much about what was going on in her life, and then we wouldn't talk again for a while. After every discussion, I'd hang up the phone and just feel real uneasy about the whole thing. So when I finally cut contact when she said she had a new bf and would never be w/me again, I just told her I couldn't talk to her anymore, and that was it. I haven't heard from her since, and I was finally able to move on.

Bottom line, carrying on a friendship w/her in which you think there could be a chance, will not allow you to move on. As much as it sucks, if things are really meant to work out, she'll come back regardless of no contact.

[Tiay]

gosh, this is sad..

gHEXjt is right. You don't want "pity discussions". You clearly want more than friendship with her. But if she can't give you that anytime soon.. then you'll just have to move on.
Personally I think she's being quite unresponsible (sp?) . She owes you a honest answer; she needs to either choose to be with you, or not. Dragging you along as a 'friend' to 'see what develops' is unfair and rough treatment of your feelings for her, and you need to realise it if you don't already do.

hmm.. seems almost like she wants to have 'fun' at college and yet not loose you at the same time? that's not a good deal.

keep us posted,
-ti

[Mish]

I said it before and I'll say it again. Long distance relationships simply don't work. How can you be in love with somebody that you physically can not be with and you can't share most things that make the relationship worth having.

Move on and find somebody nearby next time, trust me if you live in a city or a town, there are plenty of girls in your area...

[HurtDude]

Yesterday I called her because she was ignoring me. I left a message that said" Listen if you dont want anything to do with me and want me to just move on, I can do that. If I don't hear from you by tonight then I'l know your answer and I won't bother you anymore."

She called later in the night and we talked about regular stuff. We laughed and such, but normally our conversations lasted longer and at the end of it was usualy a 10 minute section where we told each other how much we loved each other.

anyways so we just talked for 20 minutes then she said she had to go. I said ok and then asked her when she was going to call again..she replied with "I don't know." I said "what no seriously when am i going to hear from you again, are ou going to call me?" and she said "I don't know when, but I'll call you. I know that I'm calling you, I just don't know when".

Now what...and how should i read into this....

[clynn]

You are hoping to get different answers from us in asking these questions.

But the only thing to do is cut ties and not expect anything from her.

It is hard, very very very hard. But you need to move on from this I believe.

[gHEXjt]

HurtDude, see my above post for clarification on this issue.

[HurtDude]

I thank you all for the advice and support I am getting. I'd like to ask a few more questions. I know you guys tend to answer to posts as a general whole, but im hoping someone will break my post apart and answer all the questions individually. thank you.

I have a question or two.


I've decided to move on. As such I've decided to ignore her calls, and I know she'll be calling because i kind of asker her to a few days ago. Point is....

I won't lie to you and say that I am NOT keeping the possibility of this relationship continuing in the future.

So my question is...if i DO ignore her....do you think that would upset her enough to MOVE ON herself? I have a feeling that if I ignore her, then I'll be single handedly ending a possibility of getting back together months from now.

So maybe i shiould just do no contact unless SHE calls...then ill answer but only talk briefly and act busy? (which i usually am)

What do you guys think?

[HurtDude]

well no one answered my above post. also..the hurt just got worse...someone whose been hitting on her..stopped by her house and gave her a dozen roses. even if noting happens between them..it kills me that she knows shes twice as attractive as i am.

[Rosebud]

Hurt dude! Listen the no contact rule is solely based for you to move on with your life. She has stated over and over that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I think she's letting you down easy by saying "maybe in the future". Knowing that you need to stick to the no contact rule to completely move on from her, when you heal and you are in a better place (not worrying about her 24-7) and she comes back around then it's your call if you want to date again, if not good for you!

If you don't call her and then answer the phone when she calls (which is what she wants) your leaving her in control which she has been for awhile. Do you really want to go in circles with this girl back and forth hurting for the next couple months while she dates whoever she wants, and you sit in the dark? no you don't. So MOVE ON.