Should we try again?

[Flutterby]

Right I need some advice. I've been officially dating my boyfriend for 8 months but we'd been best friends for 2 years before that and we both agree we were really going out we were just too shy to admit it. I'm 19 and he's 18, he's had 2 girls before but I've never really had sex before except for a bad experience a few years ago that wasn't exactly consentual. At the start of the year he spoke about us having sex cos he feels ready and i felt ok with that so we tried the other day and it hurt so bad he couldn't get all the way in and I was crying my eyes out, he stopped the minute he saw it was sore for me and we just had lots of kisses instead. He was on top of me, he wanted me to be on top of him but I didn't like the idea cos I'm a very huggy person and it just felt too distant from him.
Now I'm scared to try it again, we used tonnes of lube, we'd been "playing around" for a good hour beforehand and I was soaking wet and very aroused, I don't understand how it hurt so bad, should it have been as sore, should I just have let him keep going and got it over with? I don't feel comfortable with trying it again but I really love him and want to share this special experience with him, I know if I say no that will be the end of it and he wont approach the subject again but I want to do this I'm just terrified of it hurting like that again.

Flutterby

[fauglo]

If you were aroused and enjoying the foreplay, which it sounds like you were, was that enough for you or did you truly want to have sex? I'd say if for now, youi are happy with sexual activity but no actual sex, tell him. If you truly are ready to have sex with him, and you were ready that day and it still hurt then I'd say try again. Work up to it again, slowly adn have him go down on you, finger you, and don't rush anything. If possible, have an orgasm before you try to have sex. Give yourself one, have him give you one, whatever you need to do to be completely relaxed and aroused. Chances are, you will be fine when you are relaxed and 100% ready to have sex with him.

If you still have problems after you feel very ready for what is happening, I'd consult with a doctor and see if there is anything medical that would prevent intercourse. If teh doc says no, would you be willing to speak to someone you trust or a therapist about what it going on? The mind is a powerful thing and if you are in any way unwilling to sleep with this guy, even subconsciously, your body might react to that. If your previous experiece was bad, as you say, you might need to work through that.

Take it slow, try again but ONLY if you really want to. If you are not ready, this guy can wait and you can do other things. He sounds like he really digs you, and you him so probably you can work this out together.

[Star]

It seems like you really love him & want to do this but I understand you are scared, because it really does hurt the first time. You should really try being on top, that way, you can control how much you want to put in and how fast/slow you want to go. I was on top the first time I had sex with my boyfriend & it worked out fine. You don't necessarily have to feel distant from him when you are on top because you dont have to sit straight up.. you can lean forward so your stomachs are touching & hug him whenever you want to!

[daletom]

You'll find about a bazillion "first time sex advice" posts on this forum, and other 'net pages. (Use the "Find all posts" function on my I.D. to find a few, if you need to.)

The best advice comes down to this: The more comfortable you are with your sexuality, the more physically aroused and relaxed you are, and the more emotionally secure you are with your partner, the better your experience will be.

Several authorities believe that a virgin girl's discomfort (OK - "why the first time hurts like hell") comes not so much from ruptering her hymen but from opening her vaginal muscles. With that in mind, there's a fairly straightforward recipe for the physiological mechanics of an easy first intercourse.
1. Learn to have an orgasm. You may have to start with your own fingers. Then let your partner learn to use his mouth and fingers.
2. Learn to give your partner an orgasm. (Pretty much the same process as above.)

(Sharing this level of intimacy may be a VERY satisfactory substitute for intercourse for quite a long time as your relationship develops.)

When the "big day" arrives - either by careful planning, or spontaneously - he climaxes first. In your hand, mouth, pressing against you, or whatever method you've enjoyed together. This takes the "edge" off his response, and makes him more patient and sensitive to you.

Then, while he's recovering, he helps you to an orgasm. At this point you will be as relaxed, open, and lubricated as you will EVER be.

You get on top and guide it in. Unless he's been with a LOT of partners he won't necessarily feel the "best" way into you. Everybody is a little different regarding placement, angle, etc. YOU are the only one who can really feel what's happening and the right route. Don't be afraid to move around - sit up, lean back, lean forward, lay out flat on top of him, or whatever seems to make it good.

He will almost certainly cum too quickly. That may actually be a good thing for you. Regardless - let him know how much you care for him. In the moments following your first intercourse you may BOTh be more emotionally naked and vulnerable than any other time in your lives.

Have fun!

[clynn]

When I first had sex, it took me a few nights to actually "do it"

I had tried it intially and it just seemed like too much / too painful / too intense.

Some months passed and I got on teh birth control bill, and this I think helped because i didn't have to worry about birth control. Also, we didn't have to use a condom (STD's were not a concern, we were both virgins). That made it somewhat more comortable.

And of course the lube.

But then when I did try again it took two nights before we got it right in. And probably a couple more times after that before I really started enjoying myself (But the pain wasn't so intense after the first 2 times).

My boyfriend went very, very slowly. And talked me through it.

The one thing I remember that made the entry somewhat easier was that I "Beared down" - as in I willed my mind to open my muscles down there adn I actually took action to open them. I'm not sure if I'm articulating that very well but it did make a difference.

When he finally did get it all the way in.....I don't think that we ended up actually having sex. He just got it in and stayed there for a bit, maybe a bit of thrusting, but nothing too active.

best with it!

[Flutterby]

Thanks for your replies guys, we tried again last night and we did it without any pain. I think it was just being more relaxed and some of the advice on here helped, it was easier after we'd both had orgasms.

Thanks again.
Flutterby

[daletom]

Thanks for your replies guys, we tried again last night and we did it without any pain. I think it was just being more relaxed and some of the advice on here helped, it was easier after we'd both had orgasms.

Thanks again.
Flutterby

Congratulations!! And I hope you had plenty of good intimate cuddle-time afterwards - and your second time was even better.

p.s. - did a particular position seem to work well for you?

[Flutterby]

Congratulations!! And I hope you had plenty of good intimate cuddle-time afterwards - and your second time was even better.

p.s. - did a particular position seem to work well for you?

Yup cuddle time lasted ages, i think we fell asleep at one point. I was on top and it felt pretty good.

[daletom]

Yup cuddle time lasted ages, i think we fell asleep at one point. I was on top and it felt pretty good.

Overall I hope it was better for you than This Post: [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/showpost.php?p=34897&postcount=45]Wedding Night Virgins[/URL]

[vashti]

Be sure to always use a condom in addition to another form of birth control.

[Flutterby]

Daletom, must have took a lot of control to wait til you're married? Part of me wanted to wait for my wedding night but then part of me wanted me to be a bit more experienced, not sure why though but it is fun.

Vashti I wouldnt let him near me without a condom though we got STI tests together just in case.

Flutterby

[daletom]

Daletom, must have took a lot of control to wait til you're married? Part of me wanted to wait for my wedding night but then part of me wanted me to be a bit more experienced, not sure why though but it is fun. Flutterby

Well, it was VERY important to her that we wait, and I loved her and respected her desires very much. And . . . she recognized MY needs and we worked out some compromises. I guess the currently fashionable term is "outercourse". We've been married (to each other!) over 31 yrs now.

I know what you mean about those ambivalent, ambiguous feelings. It's VERY significant and meaningful to me that we shared our first times together. But I DO wish that I had been a better partner for her. Waiting for marriage actually aggravated that situation, because it created an artificial situation with a LOT of built-up expectations. A more spontaneous event would have been better physiologically, but I don't know if it would have had quite the emotional and psychological impact.