Overcoming fear of intimacy.

[foolishness]

Hi everyone.

I'm a 24 year old guy from England, and I'm somewhat struggling with something that I've only really just come to terms with. I'm not certain if this is the correct place to post this, but regardless, any and all advice would be very much appreciated & taken on board. Apologies if this is a bit of a ramble.

My sexual experiences have been very limited and almost entirely negative, and it's developed into a sort of anxiety with regard to sex that's almost verging on fear. I lost my virginity at 19 and have had a few one-night stands since that time, along with an experience in Rome that... Well I'm not sure how to explain it other than, turns out a woman can rape a guy, something I'd been somewhat incredulous to beforehand. It's something that's troubled me but I tried to ignore, thinking that perhaps this is normal for young men who are just nervous when becoming intimate. This has now gone on for five years, and has stunted a number of possibilities with regards to developing relationships. Most recently, I met someone who was really lovely, clever and we had a huge amount in common, went on a few dates, all went great and then... I basically just bolted outside her house after being invited in. I'm not particularly lamenting the "loss of sex" or whatever in of itself, but I know that it hurt her quite deeply and I have no idea how to explain any of this to someone face to face, as it's something I'm finding difficult to discuss even on the internet. We've exchanged a few messages since, I don't think it's going any further. It's all the more frustrating that this has happened numerous times now.

I don't have any problem with regard to dating (actually I really love it, just getting to know people in general), but I clearly have some kind of mental block with intimacy and I really, really don't know what to do about it. I'm fed up of being alone, yet am incapable of progressing a relationship past going for a coffee or for dinner. Friends try to set me up (something I'm always a bit dubious about anyway) and I just decline saying I'm happier living by myself or some such (which in many ways is true). It's getting to the point now that I've been thinking "screw it, i'll just become some kind of celibate monk" as it's ruining relationships with people that, even if they don't go down a romantic avenue, are pretty cool and I'd like to stay in touch with. This has even caused me to move to a different practice at work as a relationship with a coworker (probably an awful idea anyway) fell through at this very same hurdle. However it would seem that, unless I go to a retreat and learn some sort of zen-buddhist self control, the brain of a 24 year old man goes a bit crazy when in the presence of 24 year old women, and the libido's not going to just turn itself off. Or at least, it'll hold off until anything could actually occur.

I don't really know what to do for sure. Am I just being a muppet and need to just go for it whenever these situations occur? Is this just something that happens to everyone (albeit normally about 8 years earlier)? Or do I need to work on something with regard to my mindset? Or should I just sod it all off and move to Tibet?

Any and all advice & criticism appreciated, constructive or otherwise.
Cheers, J.

[Hooo!]

Hello J
I suggest that you speak to a good professional psychotherapist about this.

There have happened things in your past with sex that has lead to you fearing sex
Where is come from we have a sayibg: the burned child fears the flame

[TheEvilJester]

I do have to second Hooo's advice. I do sincerely wish we could offer more help, but your specific issues don't seem like something that can just easily be boiled down to a blurb and solved via strangers on the internet. I will say, there is some good news in that, even if it may not be so great. The good news there is that means it isn't like something is wrong with you. It isn't like you are broken, and you certainly are NOT hopeless.

It simply means that there are some damn good reasons why you are having these issues. They are things you will have to deal with if you are going to get past them. Believe me, I know that will be very hard... but if you can get through all of this (and I believe you CAN), then the end result is so worth it. SO much better than just giving up and deciding this is your lot in life. Seeking out professional help is NOT a sign of weakness. Maybe a professional therapist can help you to deal with the issues you are having, to learn WHY you may be doing this, and to develop skills to work through it.

Best of luck to you. It can't be an easy journey ahead, but you are certainly worth the battle.

[Hooo!]

Usually "stupid" panic can be solved by just doing it going the: what's the worst that could happen routine.
However that doesn't seem to be very helpful

Another scenario would be just to talk about it in a vague " i have sort of problems with sex because it's have had some bad experiences, so maybe if i act stupid I'm sorry and it's got nothing to do with you" in before the situation.

But I'm also don't know if that's advisible considering that people usually don't like other people to know that someone raped them

However if don't really get that. I mean you were forced to do something against your will. Yes. That's bad and evil. And noone would like it to happen again ok. However if don't see a reason to let this spoil your life in any way.
Being careful and aware and taking care of yourself doesn't mean you should t fully enjoy sex to its last content.

Everyone has had bad sex. I've had my share.
It's not something id shout about. But also it's just something that had happened.

[Snow White]

You were sexually violated and it is affecting your life now. You need to seek professional help so you can work through it and be able to have healthy relationships.

[TheEvilJester]

I mean you were forced to do something against your will. Yes. That's bad and evil. And noone would like it to happen again ok. However if don't see a reason to let this spoil your life in any way.

Exactly. You were already taken advantage of in the past. Why let that person indirectly victimize you for the rest of your life? Why allow them ANY power over you for the rest of your life? And, don't get me wrong. I understand saying that is SOOOO much easier than actually doing it. I don't mean to imply it is that easy. I'm just saying, they wronged you already. They had no right to do that in the first place, but they also have no damn right to destroy the rest of your life for it.

So, seek professional help if you need it, or find your own way through if you think you can.... but either way, TAKE that power back. You deserve it. And, hopefully this goes without saying, but be an example of what is right, rather than allowing your past to corrupt you and cause you to make the same mistakes this person did to you.

Good luck to you.

[foolishness]

Hi guys,

Thank you for responding. I had hoped to respond a bit earlier, but work often gets in the way!

I've been coming to the idea that I need to get some kind of help with regard to this for a while. I completely agree that I need to ensure that the things that have happened in the past do not impact my future chances of happiness as it currently is, and I think you're all correct - something needs to be done by someone with the "know-how". There's lots of other things that I need to work through, not just the Rome situation, so I've begun looking for therapists near me and contacted a couple already.

Many thanks again, it really is appreciated that you have taken time out of your days to respond.
J.

[TheEvilJester]

I am glad to hear you are seeking out help. I hope you find a good therapist very soon. Keep in mind, that can sometimes be a bit of a process too. Therapists are just people too. So you may sometimes have to go through a few you don't like/who aren't helpful until you find the right one. Hopefully you have luck right away, though. But, you are definitely worth the fight!

Good luck to you.