My irrational fear is keeping me in the relationship- help me

[gingersnaps]

i've been in a relationship (on again, off again) for four years now.
I've broken up with him so many times but whenever we do, after a few days he starts using every strategy he can to try to get me to come back to him. He does not worry about his pride at all, Apparently he has done this with his previous girlfriends too so I shouldn't be that flattered - but he gets me every time.

I am not too unhappy spending my time with him, he is like a good friend to me. I am only unhappy that I am wasting my four+ years, getting older (my friends are all getting married), not meeting the man I would really want to marry. I just don't want to marry this guy. He is not physically attractive to me, and more than that, he is so unpassionate of a personality, (he cares mostly about his work), that I don't often feel any emotional connection.

When we break up I usually feel some sense of relief but I guess I also have a deep fear -- that I'll never do any better. (can I get a man? Yeah it's not too hard, especially with online dating. But one that puts up with all my crap this well???). After 4 years he is like a family member. And I don't really have any real family. He is the one who I tell my daily anecdotes and so on to. I have some friends, but we are not very close, and they are too exhausting to usually hang out with (My work right now is extremely busy and tiring). He, on the other hand, is happy to come over, cook dinner, watch tv and cuddle to sleep...then we both leave for work in the morning. And he calls many times a day, always there to talk to. Even when I'm being unreasonable or even downright kooky. No matter how weird or unreasonable I can be (Which I don't do on purpose) I know he'll want to be with me. After 4 years, he has become a part of my life, a part of my reality - familiar, comfortable, nice. And when we're broken up, and I feel depressed -- do I have anyone to turn to? Sadly I don't, I feel incredible pain, but as I said, I don't really have family...and my friends are all a bit self-absorbed... my best friend isn't, but moved across the country...so I feel so desolate and alone... so when he begs me to take him back? guess what happens...

In my heart, I fear that, although he doesn't make me too happy, he's the best I can do. After all............ I am getting older. I see wrinkles, and sagging, and I know my "biological clock" in terms of having children is a factor too.

He's threatened that the only thing that could turn him off me, is if I were to be with someone else, even if he and I were broken up, and I met someone else -- that would cause him too much jealousy and he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. That just makes it worse because my whole need is to know whether or not I could be happier with someone else, or whether I am just taking him for granted, and I feel I could only know this by dating someone else.

I know a healthy person would break up with him and not look back. But just telling myself that is not enough for me to do it --- just to become extremely depressed that I am incapable of doing it. Then I just curl up and feel even less able to do anything healthy (like break up with him.) If I could just find a way to heal myself so that I could break up with him, I know it would be the best. But I don't know how to make myself strong enough.

Please help me gain strength -- if you can.

[Luvaboy]

Its seems that your just to afraid to live life. Dont fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have and should have. Secondly, you dont need a man to make you happy. First you have to be happy with yourself. You have very low self esteem and ur Bf prays on that. Sad to say but some men need a woman that think less of themselves in order to feel important. The world has much more to offer if you just go and look for it. You may or may not find the man of ur dreams. At least you took the time to live life and that’s whats important.

[clynn]

Get pregnant, have a baby.

[Rob26]

I don't have an answer for you.

Your fears are NOT irrational. Despite online dating, it's still hard for people to hookup. If you're not outstandingly good looking and/or vivacious you COULD go a long time without meeting someone. How important that is depends to some extent upon how old you are, which you didn't say.

[clynn]

I was just teasing.

But you might want to try working on just spending time alone first. Ask him for a break away. Some time on your own, and just be friends with him.

[vashti]

I agree with clynn. Also, you need to develop more of a life of your own. YOu need to have at least one or two high-quality friends. You need to have hobbies and interests outside this relationship. Once you actually have a life, you wil be in a better position to determine whether or not this man is a good fit, or if you are just acting out of desperation.

[carpflounder]

gingersnaps,

Last Summer, my brother was all upset because he couldn't get his air conditioning to work right. One bedroom was Everest cold, but in the rest of the house, you sweated like the fifth man in a four man steam room. Repair guy said the vents were messed up- all the cold air was being channeled to that one room.

Seems to me, gingersnaps, that your venting in the wrong direction. I appreciate your desire to abandon this relationship, and I admire you for your good reasons. But I gotta tell you, instead of directing your energy to the back room, you ought to be figuring out how to repair whats wrong in the rest of the house.

[vashti]

ooh! Nice symbolism carp!!

[clynn]

OOOooooooh, carp. I love it.

It is sooo easy for us to look to our main support person as the source of our grief and not inwards or other places.

And so difficult to just separate all of that out.

[carpflounder]

thanks cuties..

[gingersnaps]

Thanks everyone. I guess what I need to do is work on building my friendships so I don't feel like he's the only one to turn to. Any other advice?

By the way I am almost 30 for the person that asked. Before, I could get dates on online sites, so I figure, I can get dates again, I was saying, not necessarily good quality... I might not be happy with my current BF but I know there is a lot worse

[alice]

I might not be happy with my current BF but I know there is a lot worse

no sufficient reason to stay with him in my opinion.

[gingersnaps]

^ Yes that's true. But fear is apparently deaf to reason....

[alice]

yes, fear is a very nasty emotion and can become so strong that you can't feel anything else anymore. a relationship you're not happy with can't help you – the fear will grow stronger.

[Mish]

I agree, you need to get out there and at least try to find somebody who is right for you. Being in this relationship you are not doing any favours to either yourself (Due to your continuous resentment of your partner and of yourself for being with him) or him (Due to you not treating him right).

I think he deserves a better treatment and you deserve to be with someone you don't resent. Whether you will be able to find someone that you do not resent depends entirely on you...

In any case I wish you luck in this