does he deserve a 2nd chance?

[yellowjasmin]

hi All,

This is my first post, so please bear with me:-)

My bf of 2 yrs blewed up at family dinner, leaving me a big decision to make-dump him or stay. I need all your honest advices to help me think clear.

Last Saturday night, I cooked dinner for him. Supposedly, it was just dinner for two of us. My Dad had a fight with his wife and stopped by my house. I invited him to join us for dinner. Well, things went ok (not great because my bf could never carry a good conversation with my father) until my Dad asked my bf about "the future". My bf obviously thought it was rude of my dad to ask him about "the future" and acted out his anger in the rudest manner I couldn't imagine a 27 y/o man would act toward his gf's father. He showed no respect to my father infront of me and no respect to me infront of my father. His shorted answers, mad facial expressions, tone of voice, all those great stuffs were out of my imagination. And so, I asked him to come in the bedroom to talk. I tried to be calmed but he wasn't, given that he's the person at fault. When we went to the bedroom to talk and my father was still eating outside, my bf was still in his rudest attitute toward me and yelled at me with all the curse words, on top of calling my Father a bastard and that he has no respect for him because of the way my he left my mom (my mom past away before I even dated my bf), blah blah blah. To my bf, my father does not deserve his respect, so he showed no respect whatsoever. We fought a lot that night in the bedroom while my dad was eating outside. All this time I tried to calm down but he was being awfully immature and rude. When my dad left that night, he was so sad and clearly said to me that he does not want to see me dating an immature person like my bf.

My bf was raised up wrong. I think his parents spoiled him and didn't teach him the beauty of respecting other people. Therefore, he does not know how to treat people with respects and don't really give a cr*p about anyone. I wanted to break up with him right that night-but being a softie that didn't work out when my bf started crying. I know that my bf loves me and cares for me. I don't think anyone knows him better than I do and I know that it will hurt him greatly if I really leave, especially after this incident. He apologized to me and realized that he blewed up. I've requested that he apolgize to my dad and he is willing to do that sometimes in the future, but not at this moment because he's still mad (as stated by my bf).

Right now, I really don't know what to do. I'm torn but I still care for my bf. But what he did was unacceptable and hurtful. I wanted to just forget about him and let him grow up on his own. But at the same time I feel that he needs my help and guidance to grow up (since no one really care to pinpoint out his flaws but me). But I'm miserable in this relationship bc of his immaturity and his hot temper (bad bad combination). So, please, help me think clearly. Should I give him a 2nd chance?

Thank you in advance for all your advices.

[TAVS]

I dont think you should leave him over this one incident. You've been together for 2yrs. If you want to leave him; that's one thing, but not over this.

[misombra]

it's a prelude to the way he will one day treat you.

[yellowjasmin]

it's a prelude to the way he will one day treat you.

I agree with you somewhat. However, am I being too naive to think he will change one day?

[Tone]

I've requested that he apolgize to my dad and he is willing to do that sometimes in the future, but not at this moment because he's still mad (as stated by my bf).

I thought things were going well up until I read this.

Not acceptable.

Sure he was raised wrong by his parents, but by age 27 you should have grown up enough to become your own person and learn what it means to be a man.

[yellowjasmin]

I dont think you should leave him over this one incident. You've been together for 2yrs. If you want to leave him; that's one thing, but not over this.

well, I don't want to leave him just because of one incident, but I also don't know what I should do now, knowing that this incident will always be in the back of my mind when I'm with him.

[Tone]

I agree with you somewhat. However, am I being too naive to think he will change one day?

Yes, it's being naive.

You shouldn't want to change your S/O, if that's the case you shouldn't be together. What *should* happen is you love your S/O even despite their faults. No one is gonna be perfect, everyone needs work, but stuff like this - wishful thinking isn't going to fix.

[bluesummer]

Yes, you're being naive. A man who doesn't treat his own parents with love and respect will never treat you with love and respect. He's obviously got some issues.

Love isn't the be all end all. Just because you love someone, and they love you, it doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. Obviously he has no respect for you if he could A) Curse out your father over something so miniscule, and B) Curse you out for being upset about it. Honestly, he needs to be left on his own to sort out his problems himself. He's going to hurt you in the long run if you stay with him.

[TAVS]

I cant help but feel there is more to this story. I cant believe he went through the roof just because of a simple question from Dad.

[yellowjasmin]

Yes, it's being naive.

You shouldn't want to change your S/O, if that's the case you shouldn't be together. What *should* happen is you love your S/O even despite their faults. No one is gonna be perfect, everyone needs work, but stuff like this - wishful thinking isn't going to fix.

well, of course I would never want to change a person. We are who we are and I wouldn't appreciate my s/o tries to change me. I totally agree with you. however, my bf isn't a bad guy and that he loves and he already showed to me how much it would hurt him if i leave. so, my question is--does immaturity deserves a second chance? People grow up one day right?

[Tone]

I can.

Look at how she says he treats his own parents... I've had friends like that who would flip out over the simplest questions, just because they feel like their parents are getting in their business... blah blah... I could totally see why he would flip out (given his history) over his girlfriend's father asking about "the future" - he probably saw it as condoscending, invasive, etc~

[Tone]

so, my question is--does immaturity deserves a second chance? People grow up one day right?

If you were like 18-19 I'd say sure.

But the man is 27 damn years old.

He hasn't grown up yet... who's to say it's not gonna take him another 27 years... the call is yours. It's your life.

Like was said, if he can't love and respect his parents - how will he treat you once the whole "honeymoon" phase is over with? Once you become as frequent as his parents - I GUARANTEE he will disrespect you the exact same way... you will become the "nagger", etc.

[yellowjasmin]

I cant help but feel there is more to this story. I cant believe he went through the roof just because of a simple question from Dad.

well, it's not really a simple question that started this nightmare. my Dad was being a little agressive when he didn't get anything out of my bf. my bf was short to him, didn't really answer in complete sentence..didn't care to at least say "something"..but all he said was "i dont' know".."what's the point of asking me the same question"..ect ect.
But really, my dad has all the right to be protective..but to my bf my dad asked him provoked questions.
The whole story is that my dad wants a somewhat a promising answer that his daughter is not a one night stand, and here my bf is being irritable because of this. so, this is where it started.

[TAVS]

Tone can guarantee all he wants; but if he treats you well; he treats you well. Just cause someone doesnt get along with Parents don't mean they can't get along with their lover.

[Tone]

Just cause someone doesnt get along with Parents don't mean they can't get along with their lover.

There's a HUGE difference in "getting along with" and disrespecting.