Would you forgive?

[annie314]

I am new to this forum so I wanted to say hello
I registered here because I need an advice from somebody more objective than my closest family and friends. Just wanted to see if I am crazy or am I possibly right.
So me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, that's a lot for our age, because we are both 23 years old. We've been living together for 3 years. We've been through ups and downs, but somehow I have always felt that love was keeping us and I never had a doubt about it. My bf is a very sociable person, he likes to hang out with friends and when they do, they don't drink coffee or tea of course, but alcohol. I never had a problem with this because I saw that he can control himself and I trusted him.
In the beginning of this year something broke down. There were couple of times when he was hanging out with friends and came completely drunk (I couldn't understand what he was saying, he was walking like a drunkie) and I was worried. I talked to him many many times, telling my concerns but he always promised this was the last time.
So it happened almost a month ago. He decided he is going to visit his parents for a weekend (his parents live around 100 miles from our home). I was working that weekend so I couldn't go with him. On Sunday morning, before work I was checking social media as usual and I saw something I guess I didn't wanna see... It was on our mutual friend's snapchat - body of my boyfriend in the strip club.... I was shocked! Although you couldn't see his face, but I heard his voice and just in general c'mon I know his clothes, his posture. I was literally so amazed because I would never expect it from him! Maybe if he would told me before or just text, anything... So I decided to call him right after I saw it - I asked him, where were you last night, what happened? And he lied to me... He said that he was home around 1AM, they were just in the bar blablabla. He even lied he was wearing different clothes! Such a bullshit. The worst part was he was so confident and if I didn't have a snapchat proof I would be sure he is honest. It was around 8 am, so in the meantime I went to work, he got home and then he confessed that yea he was there. He told me he lied because he didn't know what I am talking about. That he has no idea why they went there, he was wasted as hell, he didn't wanna be there, stuff like that. Of course, I don't know what is the worst part - him lying to me or just the image I saw of him around naked girls dancing. I don't trust him after that, because I think that him lying to me first was because he didn't see the snapchat so he was sure he can mask it somehow. Later on when he saw how screwed he is, he just had to tell me the truth. Honestly all those 6 years I felt like went to hell... How can you live with someone who lost your trust?
Currently we live together and I guess he thinks everything is fine, but it's not. It still hurts and I am not sure if I love him anymore, because he broke my heart with this lie. I don't know if I am exaggerating, too emotional or would you be angry as well?
Sorry for my English, I am not native, I hope you understood everything.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, it isn't really for us to decide if this is make or break. If it bothers you enough, it bothers you enough. So, I won't tell you what to do.... but I will tell you how I'd feel if I were you...

I 100% understand you being upset. Especially and even more so for the lying. So I can completely agree with you there. ...BUT... I wouldn't personally think this is enough of an offense (especially as the first time something like this has happened) to throw away a 6 year relationship. There could honestly be plenty of innocent reasons he was there. Maybe his friends truly DID just drag him there. Maybe he didn't want to go, but also didn't want to spoil his friends' fun.

Or, maybe he DID want to go just as much as they did....but that doesn't necessarily automatically mean he loves/cares about you any less. Guys are kinda pigs, honestly. LOL! I'm not saying that's okay, but it is just true. Not only that, but men don't cease to be men simply because they are in a relationship. Men will still find other women attractive. It's more what they do about it that is important. So, maybe he went to an adult bar... but did he pick up any women from said bar? Or did he just enjoy it the way maybe a guy would enjoy a sexy woman in a movie and then come back home to you?

Don't get me wrong, I understand how you feel. I think I'd feel the same way to some degree. But, I don't know if I personally feel like this one offense was enough to throw away a relationship that endured for 6 years. Communication is key in any relationship. Tell him, calmly and respectfully, how this made you feel. Hopefully he can be equally calm and respectful in return, and hopefully it is something you can work together to put in your past.

IF, he continues to prove to be untrustworthy... that may be a whole different story. But, hopefully it never has to come to that. Best of luck to you.

[lovebroken]

I wouldn't trust him either. he had NO reason to lie, yet, he did. People lie for specific reasons, he knew what he did would hurt you, and it did and he made it worse by lying and I bet you he was only honest later because his friend warned him about you probably seeing snapchat, so there was proof, so he came clean. Makes you think what else is he hiding?

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[smackie09]

I'm the kind of person that thinks lying is reprehensible. So for me it would be a deal breaker. This is breakup worthy.

[dollhouse]

Let's just say you don't go to a strip club for the food or music... His innocent act is see-through. Red flags all over this guy.

[TheEvilJester]

Wow! So sounds like I'm in the minority here. At least in thinking it isn't, in and of itself, necessarily enough to break up. Because I definitely DO agree with the others that it was wrong of him. That he did bad. At least in lying about it.

Truth be told... maybe I'm giving a little too much faith, though, to my fellow male here. Only because I sort of put myself in his shoes and I'm thinking... strip clubs REALLY aren't my scene personally. So, I'm sort of imagining, what if I DID have a great gal waiting for me at home.... and one day my buddies all drag me to a strip club? I'm kind of thinking, what if I didn't want to be a party pooper so I felt I should go even though I didn't want to?

Honestly, though, I think for me personally... I just wouldn't go. It's not my scene and I don't see any reason I'd HAVE to go. Unless maybe it were my buddy's bachelor party in which case I'd feel like I SHOULD just suck it up and go.

But, let's say it WASN'T a bachelor party and my fellas just wanted to go and wanted me to come. They basically did drag me along even though I didn't want to go... to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'd even leave the chance that my gal (imaginary, though she may be, LOL) would find out by accident. I'd just be perfectly honest with her. The first chance I got, I'd tell her "Hey, my friends dragged me to this awful strip club. I really didn't want to go, I really didn't enjoy it, but I didn't want to let them down."

So, I dunno...maybe I was giving him the benefit of the doubt too much. LOL! It's hard for me to judge, really, because I'm not your typical male. I am single right now, and yet would never have even the slightest interest in going to a strip club... whereas most guys would love that.

Any other of our male members seeing this thread? I'd be interested to see what they thought as well.

[WTFISUPWITHTHIS]

My own sons girlfriend is cheating on him too. But your situation sounds forgiveable

[pcmaster]

Just because he went to strip club doesnt mean he dont love you. Also he might have lied because he was afraid to lose or hurt you. Anyway its not like he was going to church everyday and doing sports and then suddently this happened. He went to strip club after long line of events like being drunk several times that made him more stupid eventually and then he was drunk so its normal to do stupid decisions while drunk. Also there was naked girls but whats the difference if he looks at clothed or naked girls? What matters is if he fancy girl in his heart or not. You are not married but marriage is being broken at the moment when you look at other man and fancy him in your heart.

Sure you are young and sensitive but dont use this hurt as excuse to cheat on him. Cause that would be far worse than what he did. Anyway he should stop drinking completely if he cant stop before he becomes wasted. He have proved many times that he cant so theres no other option than to quit if he want to be in control of his life. Also it would help keep you happy. Happy wife, happy life. You are not wife wife yet but you got the point.

God bless your souls !

[TheEvilJester]

Another thing is that guys don't cease being guys because they are in a relationship. Again, I may not be your typical male in that regard either, but I still understand to some degree.

It's almost like it is just inherent in most men. They can't help it that they find women attractive. They aren't going to cease to find other women attractive simply because they are in a relationship. I think the more important thing is how they handle that. For example, it is okay if they find other women attractive... but that shouldn't matter to them in the slightest because their girlfriend/fiance/wife/whatever should be more important to them. Also, they should have respect enough not to be so overt about it. I could never stand the type of guy who can be in a relationship... and yet still be cat-calling women or hitting on women, or making lewd comments. (Not that you should do that sort of stuff in the first place, but you get my point.) Again, it isn't like I expect a guy to suddenly be a saint because he's in a relationship, but at least have enough respect for your significant other to keep that to yourself.

It isn't about lying to each other. Like I don't expect guys to go around being like "Wow! That girl just looks so ugly to me because I have you." LOL! It's just I personally think there is no reason to share it. Hell, I personally think you shouldn't even feel the need. If I was lucky enough to have a special lady in my life, would I still find other women attractive? Probably... but I wouldn't care at all because she would be MORE attractive to me. That and what we had together would be more important and make me care even more about her and that would be too important to me. So, I wouldn't feel the need to explore that idea even to so much as think of it beyond that brief moment of recognition we can't control.

....Sorry, I kind of went off on a tangent there. LOL! The tl;dr version was I was agreeing with PC. Just because he may like to go to a strip club it doesn't automatically mean he doesn't appreciate you. He may go to the strip club... but if he then still wants to come home to you that is perhaps what is more important. Which, of course, doesn't mean you HAVE TO be okay with it. If a guy like that isn't your style, that doesn't make you wrong. The lying about it was a bit worse.... but it truly could have been with noble intentions even if he did the wrong thing.

It's up to you if you think you can move past that. Frankly, I wouldn't blame you either way.

[Brokenheart9989]

Wow guys. Strip club or not, its besides the point. The trust was broken. Why did he feel he had to lie about it? If he knew she wouldnt like it what about mutual respect or talkng through it to try and find a compromise? He had a lot of options and he decided to lie and not just once -- he was actively lieing about it.

Personally, this is a deal breaker. Unless you are able to talk about it and he understands how important transparency is in a relationship.

Although, after 6 years he should know you well enough to know he should have talked to you abt it and been honest. If you marry this guy you are setting yourself up for more lies and secrets.

[astrid]

If he did this after three months, then maybe it would be acceptable, but it's been many many years. If he wanted to act like this and lie to you, then he should not have wasted your time.
If it bothers you enough to think he may have lied about more things, then ask him, but be prepared for an answer you might not like.
Good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

Again, it is a little hard for me to judge since I'm not like most guys in this sort of aspect. A strip club doesn't interest me in the slightest even now when I am single. Nor would I ever lie to my gal if I did have one. Especially not something like this.

So, maybe I'm just over-compensating for my own abnormally moral ways. LOL! But, I don't necessarily think something like this is automatically a deal breaker type of lie. MAYBE it is, and it very well could be a sign that there are bigger lies he's still hiding... I just don't think it is necessarily a given.

Isn't that sort of thing (strib clubs and stuff like that) something guys sometimes like to just do for fun? It is not necessarily an indication of unhappiness in their relationship or anything like that?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to justify his lying. That is not okay. I also, 100% would understand if this was a deal breaker for our OP or for anybody. I guess I'm asking because I am honestly just curious myself. LOL! I swear, sometimes in life I feel like an extraterrestrial studying human life, because I have no clue how "normal people" do things. So, I'm honestly just curious if maybe I am actually giving him the benefit of the doubt too much.

[WTFISUPWITHTHIS]

Move on its for the bettre

[topazlight]

I wouldn't hold issue with the strip club as much as the lying.