Cyber cheating …is it really damaging?

[GingerLee]

Cyber cheating …is it really damaging?

I would like to ask your opinion on this, as it is eating me up inside and I can’t talk to anyone about it.

I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a man that has been “cyber cheating” the entire time. When I met him I knew he was a major flirt, he is a model and gets a lot of attention from fans online. I knew this going into the relationship and thought it was just playful flirting with nothing serious going on. Lately it has been bothering me more and more. We never have sex anymore, the handful of times that we do he seems uninterested and distracted…or he just talks about other woman the entire time. I am a very understanding and open-minded woman, I normally do not mind such talk but when he stopped being attracted to me altogether I recognized a problem. I know it is not just one woman he talks to, it’s many different ones...all the time. He “hot chats” with them till late hours of the night and won’t open up his email when I’m near as it is filled with lurid photos that these girls have sent him. I have been in open relationships before and thought that this “innocent” flirting was something that I would be cool with. But lately I’ve been wondering if it is damaging our relationship more than I realized, my easy going nature may be the downfall of our sexual relationship. Somehow I have been moved to the position of best friend/nurturer and removed from the lover position.
I don’t know if there is any way to regain this back, I truly do love him but these “online activities” are really getting to me.
Perhaps I would not feel that way if we still had sex.
I really don’t know.

But I am curious how people feel about these “online games” that their mates play…should I be upset? Is it pure innocence, I know he is not meeting with these girls…just purely using them for fantasy reasons.

Any input would help.

Thank you!

Ginger Lee

[lovesjoyajm]

I think you've answered your own question.

<i>We never have sex anymore, the handful of times that we do he seems uninterested and distracted…or he just talks about other woman the entire time.</i>

Short of giving him an ultimatum (which I doubt he would comply with), I don't see what you can do. He may love you, but he has a problem that he needs serious help with. Maybe it's a commitment thing? I'll think about it...

[GingerLee]

I think you've answered your own question.

<i>We never have sex anymore, the handful of times that we do he seems uninterested and distracted…or he just talks about other woman the entire time.</i>

Short of giving him an ultimatum (which I doubt he would comply with), I don't see what you can do. He may love you, but he has a problem that he needs serious help with. Maybe it's a commitment thing? I'll think about it...

You have a point but I also have a feeling that all of his relationships are this way, well at least I *hope* that is the case. I don't want to feel that it's just a problem with me, my self esteem is having a hard enough time as it is

I think he gets bored *very* easily since he can choose different girls at his own whim. So I have a feeling he just got "bored" with me after the first couple encounters but he still loves me.

In my reading this it is obvious he needs help.

Thanks for your input...please post again if anything else comes to mind.

[lovesjoyajm]

I'm not just saying this to make you feel better: I don't think it's you. It's him. He feels entitled because women are throwing themselves at him, to be unfaithful. But, guess what? There are other attractive people in the world besides him.
You two are lucky to have found someone you love. He's lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have him. He's selling himself out if he has these online romances with every girl who thinks he's attractive, especially ones he doesn't even know. Being faithful you to shows more respect for you, obviously, but it also shows that he values himself. If you can get him to see that, it may help...

[Debunkt]

What the hell is wrong with people? It is okay to break up with someone and find someone else who will actually value you for your entire self, believe it or not. I hate when I see this shit "Oh my s/o does all this stupid bullshit that really shows what a dick he is, but I know he still loves me." Uh. Bullshit. If the guy is 'cyber cheating' or whatever you want to call it, and doesn't pay attention to you and is 'bored' with you and 'not attracted' to you then he doesn't love you. You are in the relationship too, ya know? Your happiness is something you may want to take into account at some point. I've got bad news: he's the only one who can make himself change. Chances that you'll change him? Not good. Sorry if this upsets you, but its the truth and you need to hear it. Don't be so naive. You do have the right to a GOOD boyfriend.

[Converse]

See Debunkt's sig.

[GingerLee]

What the hell is wrong with people? It is okay to break up with someone and find someone else who will actually value you for your entire self, believe it or not. I hate when I see this shit "Oh my s/o does all this stupid bullshit that really shows what a dick he is, but I know he still loves me." Uh. Bullshit. If the guy is 'cyber cheating' or whatever you want to call it, and doesn't pay attention to you and is 'bored' with you and 'not attracted' to you then he doesn't love you. You are in the relationship too, ya know? Your happiness is something you may want to take into account at some point. I've got bad news: he's the only one who can make himself change. Chances that you'll change him? Not good. Sorry if this upsets you, but its the truth and you need to hear it. Don't be so naive. You do have the right to a GOOD boyfriend.

I see your point.
I have been in *many* long term relationships, monogamous and polyamourous ...I know that there are many options out there for me.
But I have never been so happy (besides the sex thing) with anyone else. I have dated very kind men, very smart men and very fun men, but never all in one package like this man. When I'm spending time with him all my doubt is washed away and I have a blast, he can keep up with me mentally and keep me on my toes comically. I honestly can't imagine him not in my life, it's not a "I don't want to be alone" thing. It's in a the way he makes me feel...but then there is the sex thing.
How important is sex in a relationship anyway?
What if you found your perfect mate yet sex was not in the picture?
These are things I think about on a daily basis...do I need sex to make me happy?
Is it worth leaving someone over the fact that something so trivial and physical is not happening?

One can obviously see my conundrum.

[XPixiedustX]

From what I understand of an "open relationship" there are essentially two situations:
1) the girl and guy are not sure if they wanna commit so they keep it open for a while. Which if it lasts beyond 2 months someone is bound to get hurt.

2) They are basically just there to have sex with each other, while continuing to flirt/sleep with other people. This situation could work if both partners are not the type to get emotionally attached.

To be honest your relationship fits neither bill, if you guys love each other...why is the relationship open? Plus to expect romance or durability out of an open relationship is expecting to much. If you are not having sex, or talking, then there really is nothing to the relationship. Plus there are many guys who woudl give you plenty of attention, good sex, love and much more, and guess what you won't have to share it.

Long story short...if it's sex you want, talk to him, if it doesn't work out...bounce, if it's a relationship you want, um he's not the kinda guy for it...so run...and don't look back

[GingerLee]

From what I understand of an "open relationship" there are essentially two situations:
1) the girl and guy are not sure if they wanna commit so they keep it open for a while. Which if it lasts beyond 2 months someone is bound to get hurt.

2) They are basically just there to have sex with each other, while continuing to flirt/sleep with other people. This situation could work if both partners are not the type to get emotionally attached.

To be honest your relationship fits neither bill, if you guys love each other...why is the relationship open? Plus to expect romance or durability out of an open relationship is expecting to much. If you are not having sex, or talking, then there really is nothing to the relationship. Plus there are many guys who woudl give you plenty of attention, good sex, love and much more, and guess what you won't have to share it.

Long story short...if it's sex you want, talk to him, if it doesn't work out...bounce, if it's a relationship you want, um he's not the kinda guy for it...so run...and don't look back

Well I should have said that this is not a open relationship, I just mentioned that I have been in them in the past to make it clear that I am not the jealous type and that I am very open minded.

This is my first monogamous relationship in over 10 years.

[squirrley]

You definetly NEED to figure what it is YOU WANT. This relationship doesnt sound like its TWO sided. I dont get it, WHY would you want to stay in a relationship where your SO doesnt want you in EVERY aspect of a relationship?

His OBVIOUS attention being directed to other women or one particular woman at this time is a sign he's not getting something out of the relationship he NEEDS or WANTS. Might be part of some ego trip, cause some men have it. But I wouldnt want to be in a relationship where theres not 100% give and take.

You said you'd might be feel better about it IF you were sexually active again...this makes me aware of the fact you KNOW sex is a weapon and can be used for other things. After several relationships you've had, you should know SEX is NOT everything and cant certainly win back someone. I know this from past experiences. Men think differently about sex than women.

My opinion only is to move on if you dont discuss the relationship and youre wants and needs whats not getting met and so forth. Youre not acting as a jealous girlfriend, but geezuz I think you should start to wonder if youre just not a flavor of the year or something. I would seriously start to consider if this is someone you could spend the rest of your life with...

goodluck

[carpflounder]

Cyber cheating …is it really damaging?

I would like to ask your opinion on this, as it is eating me up inside and I can’t talk to anyone about it.

I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a man that has been “cyber cheating” the entire time. When I met him I knew he was a major flirt, he is a model and gets a lot of attention from fans online. I knew this going into the relationship and thought it was just playful flirting with nothing serious going on. Lately it has been bothering me more and more. We never have sex anymore, the handful of times that we do he seems uninterested and distracted…or he just talks about other woman the entire time. I am a very understanding and open-minded woman, I normally do not mind such talk but when he stopped being attracted to me altogether I recognized a problem. I know it is not just one woman he talks to, it’s many different ones...all the time. He “hot chats” with them till late hours of the night and won’t open up his email when I’m near as it is filled with lurid photos that these girls have sent him. I have been in open relationships before and thought that this “innocent” flirting was something that I would be cool with. But lately I’ve been wondering if it is damaging our relationship more than I realized, my easy going nature may be the downfall of our sexual relationship. Somehow I have been moved to the position of best friend/nurturer and removed from the lover position.
I don’t know if there is any way to regain this back, I truly do love him but these “online activities” are really getting to me.
Perhaps I would not feel that way if we still had sex.
I really don’t know.

But I am curious how people feel about these “online games” that their mates play…should I be upset? Is it pure innocence, I know he is not meeting with these girls…just purely using them for fantasy reasons.

Any input would help.

Thank you!

Ginger Lee

You have clearly lost your fingertip grip on reality and have descended into an abyss of irreversible lunacy.

[GingerLee]

You definetly NEED to figure what it is YOU WANT. This relationship doesnt sound like its TWO sided. I dont get it, WHY would you want to stay in a relationship where your SO doesnt want you in EVERY aspect of a relationship?

His OBVIOUS attention being directed to other women or one particular woman at this time is a sign he's not getting something out of the relationship he NEEDS or WANTS. Might be part of some ego trip, cause some men have it. But I wouldnt want to be in a relationship where theres not 100% give and take.

You said you'd might be feel better about it IF you were sexually active again...this makes me aware of the fact you KNOW sex is a weapon and can be used for other things. After several relationships you've had, you should know SEX is NOT everything and cant certainly win back someone. I know this from past experiences. Men think differently about sex than women.

My opinion only is to move on if you dont discuss the relationship and youre wants and needs whats not getting met and so forth. Youre not acting as a jealous girlfriend, but geezuz I think you should start to wonder if youre just not a flavor of the year or something. I would seriously start to consider if this is someone you could spend the rest of your life with...

goodluck

I completely agree with your first point.
Your second point however, I think I may feel differently if we still had sex because I would still feel like he was sexually attracted to me, that hot chatting other women is just a kink, but he still wants me as well. I would be perfectly happy if both were going on, then we both would be sexually fulfilled and I can really care less who he talks to and what they talk about as long as I know I still have a place for him sexually. I guess it's just so one-sided that it is really starting to bother me.
I feel my 2 options are live a with a totally sexless relationship or
leave him for such a trivial thing as sex and be with someone else.
But I don't want to be with someone else, I want him...
I just want him to want me again.

I know that clearly is not going to happen.
I am familiar enough with past relationships that there is no way to “change” a partner, you deal with the hand your given and If you cant play you leave the table.

I guess I’m just curious if most people view “cyber cheating” as real cheating?
There is nothing physically going on...so does it really matter?
That was my main question in this forum.

[squirrley]

ok, IMHO, I say it is to some degree. IN that moment of chatting, youre with that person "mentally, and some point maybe physically IF you plan on taking care of it yourself youre then probably thinking of THAT person youre chatting with, not your SO, youre fantasizing. I believe it to be a FORM of cheating, so its not physical, but other aspects of it are. Obviously, this is a problem within your relationship, youre not sleeping together any longer. You dont think this is a direct or some of kind of effect on your relationship? You have to see this, you cant just look at it like, ok no biggy, its cyber. He is spending time on the net with one particular woman, youre sex life is nil...it doesnt take a rocket scientist to see, this relationship isnt healthy. You cant convince yourself this relationship without sex is going to work either, it doesnt happen that way.

It is cheating. Ask him what he would do if the tables were turned?

[XPixiedustX]

I'm sorry i thought you meant thsi was an open relationship. But you know what, it sounds like one....but maybe cuz I think cyber sex is cheating, I mean it's not liek porn, where there is no interaction....you guys really need to talk, tell him what you want...it's liek he's using these little cyber encounters to replace the real thing...which is weird cuz I mean in the end it's just him and his hand. Try something different with sex, get innovative, maybe it's the sex that's stagnated...I think he's being unfair to you. Imean porn is one thing, but having hot chats with random girls then interacting with them through e-mails....um yeah...that is pretty much cheating!

[blue]

hi squirt ive missed you