Can you help a confused man?

[Andy]

Hello everyone

I have been browsing these forums and it seems like that there are some kind and considerate people here so I thought I would register and share my 'problem' and ask for advice. I always thought I was a level-headed person that could sort out his own problems without the need for such public discussions but now I am just confused.

I am a 28 year old professional male yet I have been reduced to working in a poor job (another story). Me and my mother (my father moved away when my brother was born) help to care for my younger brother who is sick. Over the course of 8 months I have been comunicating with a female friend I met through a mutual interest forum on the web and we have become very close in a relationship sense. We share the same interests, career (until I ended up in a poor job), ambitions, sense of humour among other things but this lady lives in Florida (I live in Wales). She has children of her own and is she is several years older than me but I know from how she conducts herself (I have talked on the phone with her) she has good kids and is a very nice lady. At this point some of you are maybe thinking that this is just some typical internet infatuation but we have shared a lot together and I am a sensible man with this kind of thing.

The problem is that we have discussed meeting up (me going to Florida) for a break but I am afraid for several reasons. Most importantly, my family and friends know about this lady and they know she is a good 'friend' to me but they are constantly warning me about getting involved further which I am unknown to them. I can't seem to get any support from anywhere. I am scared that if I go and fall for this woman then it will tear my family apart because of my sick brother and how they need my support. To make things worse, if I do fall for her I am certain I will have far more opportunity for my job prospects that I have here so naturally the 'sensible' thing would be to perhaps have a try out over there. It would be difficult for her to come here.

I am really scared of what I am getting into. Do I end this now and carry on with my pretty dull life or do I go with it and maybe open new doors at the 'expense' (possibly) of my family friends? I am so confused as to how I have gotten into this situation and it is breaking me up thinking I have to 'choose' between two situations. I would be grateful for your comments.

Thanks for reading,

Andy.

[vashti]

Hi Andy.

There are lots of strikes against you with this relationship. First, there is the part about being from different countries, then there is the internet relationship, and most importantly, you are talking about an older woman with kids. Any of these reasons all by themselves would be sufficient for me to advise you to avoid the situation. I wish I had something encouraging to tell you, but I really don't. I am sorry.

[Andy]

Thank you for replying Vashti. There is a part of me that says that there are things against this that you have noted but also there is a part of me that says if I pass up the chance will be then left wondering what if? I should've stressed that this is not just the typical 'internet relationship' that many people seem to experience or know of. We have exchanged gifts and messages of good will in addition to talking and we are really do think alike. It is driving me insane not knowing what to think.

[vashti]

What is wrong with your brother, and in what ways does your mother rely upon you to help care for him? Also, why have you been reduced to a low-end job? Because honestly, these things make me wonder if the resulting stress isn't causing you invest more of yourself than you should in this internet thing.

[Gigabitch]

Andy, you'll wonder "what if" no matter what you do, if you're that kind of person.

I think you're freaked out by your circumstance and looking for comfort from someone who has shown you warmth and kindness in the past. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's not really a good reason to start something up with someone thousands of miles away. Ask yourself why you've become interested in someone so far away. I can't believe there are no women in Wales. Are you looking for something that won't work so you can have romance without commitment?

[Andy]

Perhaps I used the wrong word when I described my brother as sick. He does not need 24/7 care and can lead a reasonably normal life but he has some mental health issues that we have all dealt with as a team. The reason I have become interested in someone far away is because we share a lot of things and have so much in common. The online time we have is really good. Of course, there are girls in Wales but it is like this woman has all the qualities I look for. To answer the question I am not just looking for a relationship without comittment. I want to be able to care for someone and not just make it a sexual thing.

[Gigabitch]

Do you want to move to Florida? That's important to answer first. Whether it works out with this woman you've never met or not, is moving away something you want to do?

The guilt of even considering it must be killing you.

[vashti]

The reason I have become interested in someone far away is because we share a lot of things and have so much in common. The online time we have is really good.

If this is the criteria you use to determine you are in love, then by your standards, I love gigabitch. And misombra. And lots of other people i have met on the internet.

Be careful, my friend.

[Gigabitch]

(Gets in car and drives west, never looking back)

[vashti]

Wait! Don't forget to bring misombra with you! I think she lives near you.

[Gigabitch]

I'll pick her up as I make that right turn at Albuquerque. We'll grab you as we head north to Vancouver, as I am in love with a few people there, too.

[vashti]

Works for me. I've always wanted to go to Canada.

[Andy]

If this is the criteria you use to determine you are in love, then by your standards, I love gigabitch. And misombra. And lots of other people i have met on the internet.

Be careful, my friend.

Just to ask what your standards of love would be? For me it is someone who shares the same passion and goals for life, the same interest, someone who compliments me in my personality, the same humour, the same compassions. No doubt those who read of this will thing I am some lonely guy browsing dating sites but I am not. It was completely by chance and things have developed from there. I know plenty of females on forums that I converse with and I just want to reiterate it is not some internet infatuation. It is based on many of the bedrocks that relationships rely on.

[Gigabitch]

You've described compatibility, not love.

I'm afraid you've completely discounted the issue of chemistry. You'll know right away. You hug her and smell the back of her neck. She'll be giving off pheremones like any other human on the planet, and hopefully will not have doused herself in some perfume, so you can actually smell them. They're very faint, but very important.

If she doesn't turn you on, and I don't mean give you a boner, I mean if she doesn't click with you chemically, you'll be really compatible friends. Not lovers. You won't know this until you meet her.

[Alex86]

You can smell pheremones? I thought they were scentless...

Ok, now I want to have a say in this.
I've been in the same situation as you, my friend.
I met a girl online, I realized that we were very similar, and eventually I moved to the U.K.
It was a huge step, and I was only 18 years old at the time.

Of course I went over a few times (three) to meet her for a week each time. To be honest, I knew I was in love with her before I'd even met her. And me meeting her simply confirmed my feelings for her.

We were great together, and lasted for two years.
Even though we eventually broke up (we kinda went in different directions, we were both young and hadn't found ourselves when we hook up), I still feel that it was worth it, and I would have done it over again if I had had the chance.

You only live once, don't waste your time!
But you have to be absolutely sure that you love this woman before you make any decisions since it will undoubtly be a decision that will change your whole life.
But... it's worth it. If you're absolutely sure that you love her. And if you're not, there are aprox. 10 million women in the U.K. around your age.