please help. messed up situation after being left by a coworker/ friend.

[peace.fairy]

I have been friends with benefits with my coworker for almost a year (it began after a month since I started working here). though I really wanted more almost all of the time.

during this time, I was briefly seeing another guy, when the 'benefits situation' kind of faded. but then that coworker said he is jealous and has feelings for me. I told him the same thing but we decided to remain friends (this was his choice).

then later the sparks started flying around again and we again slept together and then again and again.. and we confessed we both had feelings for each other. then i told him we should probably try and be together or stop communicating totally since there's too much going on between us and we end up in the same situation all the time anyways. he agreed to try being together, because he couldn't stand the fact that we wouldn't be talking to each other and he didn't want to lose me as a friend.

I broke up with that other guy, who was my bf by then. and we began 'seeing if there can be anything more' between me and that coworker.

then after a week he said he doesn't feel what he should and he doesn't see a bright future for us and he only loves me as a friend and we need to end it.

I said I will need to take some time and not speak with him for a while. he said he will give me space, but then I will have to be his best friends again. I wrote him a letter, that I always felt something for him and I won't speak to him for a while, but not because I am mad or wouldn't care, but just because it's too difficult for me and that I don't really see us being same friends we used to be.

it's all awkward at work now: there were 4 of us -best work buddies- me, him and one couple - we used to always go to lunch together, grab some beers after work and so on.. and now since I stopped talking to him, I never go to lunch with them anymore or anywhere. we don'd even say hi to each other anymore.

He once asked if I will ever speak to him again. I just replied with a closed mouth emoji and he said he's is extremely sad because of that. I thought about starting to talk to him again, maybe even offer him to meet up some evening (I recently moved very close to him) and smoke a joint (we used to do that a lot) and kind of make peace with him.

but then I saw him with another girl. Two weeks after he left me. and it felt like a tone of bricks hit my chest. and now it hurts much more and I don't want to talk to him at all now.

and then couple days ago he invited me to go to lunch with him and I refused. and then later I asked him about this project (we work on the same side project and I can't completely avoid talking to him) but I kept it as minimal as possible. He replied he doesn't give a shit and I can do whatever I want and we just need to finish it as soon as possible so we can stop talking whatsoever.

so now i am mad at him even more than I am hurt. I mean - he left me, he said it himself that he'll give me space and now he is mad because I won't go to lunch with him? what the hell?

Though I am again seeing that guy I left for my coworker. I like him and he's a really good guy, but I don't really feel much for him. I believe it's a reverse situation like between me and my coworker - one feels much more than the other. But I can't get my coworker out of my mind. I keep thinking about him all the time and I feel jealous that he has another girl now. and I feel hurt that he found her so soon. and this whole situation just sucks. and I can't focus on work at all now.

how to deal with all of this? what do I do?

[Hooo!]

You stop being a selfish bitch for one

If he doesn't love you you can be sad
You can communicate this
And you can communicate that being with him knowing he doesn't love you is painful to you

Not talking to people is something you do when you are 8 years old
Not as a responsible adult

You don't have to invite him over
You don't have to open up to him
You don't have to small talk if you don't feel it
But you can
It doesn't change the fact that you are hurt
But it's not as if he did this intentionally

[TheEvilJester]

Whereas I may not exactly agree with the manner in which it was delivered, I do very much agree with Hooo's general sentiments. Though, just as I don't think this guy necessarily intentionally hurt you, I also don't think you are being intentionally selfish either. Sometimes we can't help how we feel, especially in heightened situations like this.

Can I ask one thing I didn't quite get? I'm not sure if I just missed this part, but how long has it been that you've been going sort of no-contact with him? Because I definitely DO agree with you that you had every right to take some time away from him, not talking or being friendly with each other, to process your thoughts and feelings. I think sometimes you do need that.

At the same time, though, there some be some kind of time frame on that. At least in a situation like yours. He told you he still wanted to be friends, you told him you needed some time to decide if you can do that. If you ultimately decide you CAN'T and it is too hard for you, then that is perfectly within your rights, and that is not wrong.

What would be wrong, though, would be to leave him in limbo forever having to wonder. For example, when he flat out asked you, and you respond with nothing but a closed-mouth emoji.... I don't think you were being very fair. Yes, you asked for time and space, but he wasn't asking to disrespect you or hurt you. He asked because he cared about you and didn't want to lose you. I can understand why he'd be upset by your response.

Like I said, don't get me wrong. I'm not meaning to blame you. I understand why you had a hard time dealing with this. It's just, at some point you need/needed to make a decision and share that with him. Whether that meant you two could go back to being good friends, or it had to mean you couldn't... at least decide that and share it with him.

And you can certainly still be friendly even if you can't be actively friends. As in, if you two have to work together in your workplace, you should be able to do so cordially. You don't HAVE to actively be friends to do that.

That said, it was an unfortunate situation, and that does suck. So I understand you got hurt in this and I am very sorry that had to happen to you. But if the situation with him didn't quite work out, it will with somebody else. Maybe even your current boyfriend ultimately won't be that somebody else. It sort of sounds like you aren't all that into him. But you will eventually find the right somebody. There are so many bad people out there who use/hurt people intentionally, or at least without caring. I think it sounds like this guy never meant to hurt you, the situation just didn't work out. You are not wrong for that, but nor is he.

Bet of luck to you.

[Hooo!]

Most people aren't essentially selfish if you ask them about it.
Same goes for stupid, or bad people

Look at trump
He doesn't think he's an idiot

[peace.fairy]

thank you both for your advice.



as of today it's been three weeks since I went no contact with him.



I don't agree that's something you do only when you are 8. It's just too painful for me to be friends with him right now. I remember too much of everything and it makes me feel too much of everything just being near him. And especially after seeing him with another girl. You do have to understand that's a painful thing.



And I really needed more time before I could go to lunch with him again. I think someday I will be able to do it easily. I believe we might actually end up being really good friends.



And as far as work stuff goes - I did talk to him about it. We had a couple of short conversations about work. I really wanted to keep that professional and talk to him strictly about work in a normal grown-up manner. I do understand he didn't want to hurt me (he said that himself numerous times - and meant it) and that things just didn't work out. And I believe he tried to make it work and that he really wants to stay friends. And I am not angry with him or anything about that. I am simply just hurt.



But then he was the one who stopped saying 'hi' to me. And after he invited me to lunch (which turns out was another friend's idea) and I declined, and he became pissed off or whatever and after I asked him about work again he was very mean and said 'I don't give a shit, let's just finish it faster and not talk' - then I became pissed off too. I mean I told him I needed time, and he said he will give me space. and I explained that I am just hurt and not mad or anything and that it's too difficult to talk to him. And he was the one who became mad and pissed off first. Even though I absolutely see no reason for him to be like that.



What should I do?

I am afraid to let this go too far to the point where we are both just mad at each other for no apparent reason and we never talk to each other anymore.



I am thinking about saying something to him. But I am not sure what.

I think to suggest him to meat up some evening (we do live right across the street). But I don't know what to tell him. I feel like i should apologise, but I am not sure for what.

And that maybe he is the one who needs to apologise. I used to always be the one to apologise first and make peace and make everything ok. And put everyone else's needs in front of mine and put up with everything and just give in. And now for once I want to stand up for myself and value myself and take care of myself... I don't know.. Really makes me sick just a thought about him falling in love with someone else.. It hurts.

[Hooo!]

As i said
Not Being friends doesn't mean you can't even talk to him


I know that a ended relationship hurts. I know how deep it hurts. I know this exactly. And i wish that i didn't

However i still don't get your reaction

If talking to him is "too painful" then i suggest
1) quitting your job or
2) realizing that it is not he who is hurting you - it's you who are hurting yourself with memories of him as your weapon of choice and with jealousy and the feeling that you are not enough as your munition

You are wonderful

Maybe this time it didn't work out
Maybe he will be happy with someone else
But maybe you will too
And maybe you will one day be very very happy that you did not end up with that guy who gets pissed for no reason

[peace.fairy]

I know you are totally right about all of this. It's not him who is hurting me and one day this will all be just a memory and we will probably be both happy with somebody else.

But now it is weird.
first of all - I was talking to him (about work stuff only) and tried to keep it professional. And then he stopped saying hello to me and got pissed of when I didn't want to go to lunch with him.

How I imagined all of this - we keep our distance but stay professional and still communicate at work if there's a need for it. And I tried to do so.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for me to just keep it at that and not want to go to lunch with him or with him and two of our other work friends, who are a couple btw (all four of us used to go to lunch together all the time). And I see no reason for him to be pissed at me because of that.
I understand he didn't want to lose me as a friend - he said that a million times. He said he cares about me and loves me as a friend and would never want to hurt me or lose me. But he should understand that I just can't be his best friend again. At least not now. (When he broke up with me and I said I will need to not talk to him for a while, he said "I will give you space, but then you will have to be my best friend again".)

I don't want this weird tension between us and I don't want anyone to be angry with anyone, but I just can't go back to the way we were before. Like chatting and sending each other funny cute dog pics or smoking joints after work or going to lunch together or whatever... I kind of want to say something to him, but at the same time I don't because now I am a little pissed off too for him getting pissed off for no reason. And I already said this in a letter to him before. I just don't know how to handle this whole situation. Like what do I do or say exactly?

[TheEvilJester]

Most people aren't essentially selfish if you ask them about it.
Same goes for stupid, or bad people

Look at trump
He doesn't think he's an idiot

Okay. Definitely a good point. Especially that last bit. LOL!

as of today it's been three weeks since I went no contact with him.

Okay... well, maybe it is just me, but then I definitely think three weeks is not even near enough time for him to have any right to get impatient.... Especially considering you said it was three weeks as of NOW... meaning it was even less when he flipped out on you.

I do still think you need to eventually figure it out and share that with him.... but I definitely feel like he did not give you enough time and that was not fair of him. I mean, you asked for some time to process your feelings. What did he think "some time" meant two days or something? These are some pretty complicated feelings you are trying to process.

Now, we've not been privy to any interactions you two have had. Maybe there's been something in the way you two have interacted during this period that has made him upset. That could be an explanation... but it's definitely no excuse. It sounds to me like you've been perfectly fair and dealt with it in the best way you can. It sounds, too, like he expected you to just magically get over it and move on.

He claims he still wants to be your friend... well friends don't treat their friends the way he's treating you. Especially not when they've asked for some time to process hurt feelings. I guess the only thing I would have suggested had you come to us before would be to just be honest with him if/when he asked. Instead of responding with just an ambiguous emoji and nothing more, just say "I really appreciate that you care. I'm still figuring things out, but I promise we'll talk soon."

Again, though, I get why maybe you just couldn't bring yourself to do that yet. Sounds like he is unfortunately showing you some truths about him that are not so flattering. It sounds to me like, in time, you'll see that you are much better off without him as a romantic partner. It maybe could even still lead to you two eventually being friends.

As for what to do for right now... I would just say not to rush into the discussion if you aren't ready. Don't feel like you have to be pressured into the discussion before you've really processed your feelings and thoughts. It'd be one thing if it had been MONTHS and you were still processing. Then I'd say maybe you owe it to him to figure it out and talk. But it's not yet even been one whole month.

However, when you ARE ready, I'd say talk to him. I'd also say don't apologize. At least that's what I think. Nor should you necessarily expect him to apologize. He probably SHOULD given how he's treated you recently, but don't expect it or demand it. Just tell him "I needed some time to process things. I do feel like I've done that now and here is how I feel...." and just share your feelings. If you think you can be friends with him, share that. If you think you can't then say that as well. But, whatever you say, do try to remember that it seems like he never meant to hurt you. So, as best you can, deliver the message (even if it winds up having to be a difficult one) in a way you think you'd want somebody to deliver it to you if it were the other way around.

Best of luck to you. You WILL find somebody special some day. Maybe it's not him, but it will be somebody. For now, just take some time to remember that you are pretty damn awesome whether you have somebody or not.

[Hooo!]

Maybe he just misses her too and gets pissed because of that?

[peace.fairy]

I definitely think three weeks is not even near enough time for him to have any right to get impatient.... Especially considering you said it was three weeks as of NOW... meaning it was even less when he flipped out on you.

What did he think "some time" meant two days or something?

It sounds, too, like he expected you to just magically get over it and move on.

Exactly what I was thinking. Especially when he said it himself he'll give me time... I am not gonna just get over it overnight.. This whole thing probably meant much less to him than it did to me and he doesn't get what it really meant to me and can't understand what's taking me so long to become 'his best friend again'.

well friends don't treat their friends the way he's treating you.

Also what I was thinking.
Though he has always been very impatient and he always lights up fast and acts upon his emotions. And he has often been rude or mean to me in the past. Like if I do something that irritates him, he doesn't just politely say that, he yells at me. And I noticed that it's ONLY ME, who he treats this way (among coworkers or as much as I noticed among his friends).
Then once when we were at a festival high on mdma he opened up and said 'I feel extremely shitty every time I say something mean to you and i am very sorry about it, but it's only because you are a really close friend to me and I can totally relax and be myself around you'. So according to this he does treat his close friends shittier than 'just colleagues'... Though I get what he means - we're such close friends there's no need anymore to be formally polite or pretend anything. I actually value that a lot. Not many friends I have that with.

More and more often I feel like it's all gonna be ok and maybe we can even be friends once again, especially after a few days of not even seeing him.

But this morning he came into work and came over to say 'hi' - for the first time in over two weeks. Was nice. But it was also the first time in three weeks that I looked into his eyes. And then immediately all these uncontrollable thoughts about him and that other girl came to my mind..And I felt a little sick again. I know it's stupid, but can't help it.
So I think it will take a little more time for me to get over this whole thing and I won't rush into any discussions with him. I will talk with him eventually though, once I am sure I am ok. It's definitely time to take care of myself now. Even though he might be missing his 'best friend' and feeling sad about me not talking to him... I am not going to put his emotions in front of mine and I will do what I feel is best for me now.

Maybe he just misses her too and gets pissed because of that?

I thought that as well. Since there is literally no reason for him to get pissed off. There was nothing in any of our interactions that could have made him react like this. Well maybe that emoji, when he asked me if I will ever talk to him again. But still - is that a reason enough to get angry with me? He must consider the fact that I am hurting after this whole thing.

Though he once said that he has felt all kinds of feelings towards me and very recently he was even mad at me and he didn't even realise why and then he understood what the saying 'there's a thin line between love and hate' meant. And at that time I definitely felt this weird tension and I felt that he was angry with me and I felt exactly the same and thought the exact same thing - 'there is a thin line between love and hate'.

Well, at least one thing's for sure - we're not indifferent about each other.

Thank you both for your advice and support. I appreciate it very very much.

[Hooo!]

I suggest speaking with him about this

This discussion is getting us nowhere

[TheEvilJester]

Exactly what I was thinking. Especially when he said it himself he'll give me time... I am not gonna just get over it overnight.. This whole thing probably meant much less to him than it did to me and he doesn't get what it really meant to me and can't understand what's taking me so long to become 'his best friend again'.

That actually may be part of it. To him, maybe it wasn't such a big deal. I don't even mean that as a negative thing. It actually may not be. It just may be that he was more casual about it. Maybe he wanted to see if you two could be more than friends, he felt like it didn't work, so to him it seemed simple. Just go back to being friends. The thing is, it wasn't that simple for you. Often that can be very difficult. But, again, just because maybe it wasn't that big a deal to him obviously doesn't automatically mean it wasn't to you. He doesn't seem to get that even if he pretends to, and that is a shame. If nothing else, though, at least it does show that you meant something to him. That losing you hurts him. So, even if he isn't handing it well, I think it does at least show that he sincerely cares. Not that I say that to imply you definitely have to accept him back as a friend. You don't HAVE to even if you truly feel he had the noblest of intentions. If you ultimately decide it is just too hard for you to be friends with him, then you need to do what is right for you.

Also what I was thinking.
Though he has always been very impatient and he always lights up fast and acts upon his emotions. And he has often been rude or mean to me in the past. Like if I do something that irritates him, he doesn't just politely say that, he yells at me. And I noticed that it's ONLY ME, who he treats this way (among coworkers or as much as I noticed among his friends).
Then once when we were at a festival high on mdma he opened up and said 'I feel extremely shitty every time I say something mean to you and i am very sorry about it, but it's only because you are a really close friend to me and I can totally relax and be myself around you'. So according to this he does treat his close friends shittier than 'just colleagues'... Though I get what he means - we're such close friends there's no need anymore to be formally polite or pretend anything. I actually value that a lot. Not many friends I have that with.

That is kind of good and bad. It is definitely good that he feels open enough with you to be real. He doesn't have to put on a facade and act like he's something he's not. Sadly, that is often how really bad people get way too deeply into our lives before we realize they are really bad people. From what you've shared with us, I don't think he's a bad person.... but I do think he has made some bad choices in how he's treated you recently. That whole "I'm comfortable being real with you" CAN, unfortunately, turn into "I'm an a-hole, but I think being honest about being an a-hole makes it okay." I HOPE that isn't the case with him, but some people are like that. It's why I've never been a huge fan of the phrase so many like to throw around "If you can't stand me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best." I agree with the INTENDED message behind that catch-phrase. What I don't agree with is all the a-holes who think they can use that as an excuse to be an a-hole and think people are supposed to just be okay with that. But, hopefully he's not like that anyway.

More and more often I feel like it's all gonna be ok and maybe we can even be friends once again, especially after a few days of not even seeing him.

But this morning he came into work and came over to say 'hi' - for the first time in over two weeks. Was nice. But it was also the first time in three weeks that I looked into his eyes. And then immediately all these uncontrollable thoughts about him and that other girl came to my mind..And I felt a little sick again. I know it's stupid, but can't help it.

I don't think it is stupid at all. You had feelings for him, but it didn't quite work out. That's not something you can necessarily just get over like the flip of a switch. No matter how much you may think the person is good and meant well, it can be hard to get past that. You can't help your feelings. I think the very fact that you thought you were ready to give it a shot shows you are trying, and shows you are making progress. Maybe the hurt is still a little too fresh for you, but in time it will get better.

I guess the only thing I'd say is don't keep him waiting too long. That isn't to say you have to rush yourself. Nor is there any magical time frame for what is "too long." But, I just think it is likely best if you give him some answer before long. Even if you still feel uncertain, that can be your answer. You could tell him "I'm sorry. I know it has been a while. I thought I'd know what I wanted at this point, but I'm still not certain. For now, I guess let's just remain professional and friendly with each other, and assume we'll keep it there. I promise I'll share with you how I feel once I finally do feel I've figured it all out, but for now it is just better if we assume this is our new dynamic."

Obviously put that in your own words, but I think you get the idea. Hopefully in time you do figure it out, but you shouldn't feel rushed to do so.

So I think it will take a little more time for me to get over this whole thing and I won't rush into any discussions with him. I will talk with him eventually though, once I am sure I am ok. It's definitely time to take care of myself now. Even though he might be missing his 'best friend' and feeling sad about me not talking to him... I am not going to put his emotions in front of mine and I will do what I feel is best for me now.

As well you should. Sure, when you figure things out you can share that with him (if he's managed not to burn the bridge by then), but you need to worry more about yourself and not about what he wants. Best of luck to you. I hope it works out for you.

[peace.fairy]

Thank you both for your advise. I appreciate it very very much, that you put your time and energy into my problems.

I started talking to him again, after I heard at work that he is really really sick. So I asked him about his health. He was close by and invited me for a coffee. We talked about all the things that happened to us while not talking. It felt sooooo good. He seemed to have missed me a lot. And afterwards said he instantly felt much much better just from talking to me.

We met that same evening to smoke a joint together. I told him that those two other our friends from work were coming over for some drinks and invited him to stay. We all had a great night together like old times.

After that me and him met each other every single day after work. Smoking joints after work and he would drive me to work cuz he lives close by and it's been raining ... It's been a week like that.

Last saturday I was out with a friend and texted him and he was out with friends too. He asked me to join them and hired a cab for me cuz I was at another end of the city. Later he said when I finally arrived he felt as happy as a little kid to see me.

The next day he called me a couple of times and texted me to meet up, but I had things to do and was unavailable... In the evening we finally met and he came over.

He said there's a slight problem - he can't spend a day without me anymore. And even though we literally live less than 2 minutes apart he wants me to live even closer. And he said he's fallen in love with me. And he hopes I still like him enough to be with him. So now we are together.

Not like before. Before we just 'tried to see if there could be something'. We both agreed it was nonsense since four people had to talk him into it. And you either are being with somebody or you are not. There is no 'trying'. And now it was him who wanted this. And now we ARE together. And what we will TRY to do this time is to not **** it up, because we both believe this could grow into something really really great.

It's been exactly one year since the first time we saw each other.
He said all the things I've been waiting to hear for almost half of that time.
I couldn't be happier right now. ))))



But there still is a little wall left around my heart. Given how he's been before I think it's natural. It is a little bit difficult for me to 'go all in' and totally let my self fall for him. I am just afraid he will suddenly change his mind or 'fall out of love' or decide it's not meant to be after all or something... This feeling sucks. I want to losen up and be totally in love and totally give my all to him, but that fear is stopping me and I am afraid it will **** this all up.
What should I do to get rid of this fear? Should I communicate these feelings to him or better not to scare him with this?

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly....

I think I would actually suggest you SHOULDN'T get rid of those feelings of doubt. Not YET, anyway. For now, you should just learn to manage them. As in to not let them drive, so to speak, too much. So you don't let it hinder what you two could become, but you also don't let your guard down fully.

I think, right now, those doubts are actually good for you. Because there has been a lot of back and forth in your history together. So it makes sense if part of you is concerned he may just change his mind again. Honestly, if things continue to go well (and I hope they do), I think you'll probably feel better in time.

So, I would personally suggest there really isn't anything you need to do for right now. As long as those fears don't hold you back from continuing to pursue this and see where it goes, then it may actually be good for you. It could help you to not fall too hard too fast, just in case he might turn around and change his mind all over again. If that DID happen, it will still hurt, but that will hopefully help it hurt less.

But, hopefully he DOESN'T change his mind. Hopefully this time things only move forward for you two. If that does happen, I think in time your fears, your doubts will start to fade away on their own.

Good luck to you. I am so happy to hear things are going well!

[peace.fairy]

Yeah, that's what I thought too. Thank you very much for the input I though that I shouldn't totally let my guard down just yet, given all the stuff that happened in the past. But it's getting more and more difficult. Last night we had such a great time. Had dinner and watched a movie and didn't even drink or smoke anything (sober october) Felt really like a real couple and I feel so comfortable around him now.

The night before we had a serious conversation. That he had thoughts about us. Like what happens if we can't make it. He couldn't handle all this not talking again and that he feels pressure because of that. I told him he shouldn't feel that and of course I would never speak to him again if he suddenly changed his mind again and dumped me. It was kind of a joke but also kind of truth. And he also said he is not sure that this is for forever and what he wants is a serious real long term relationship, not just something for fun... I told him that nobody can ever be sure about that and that I also want a real long term relationship and that even though there is no reassurance that this is gonna last forever and stuff I still wanna do it and I like him a looooot and I want to be with him. And he said he wants to be with me too so we reassured out 'being together' in a way.

I still have two questions:

1. How do I not let those feelings of doubt ruin everything?
sometimes it gets rather difficult. Like if he doesn't text me or call me for a few hours I start getting these annoying intrusive thoughts like 'oh no, he probably realized he doesn't want me anymore...' or something like that. And I wasn't this insecure before. I guess it's natural with what we've had in the past. I dont' want to be this paranoid insecure crazy jealous girlfriend. So I am trying to be chill about it and I didn't say anything about this to him yet. Should I?

2. I don't want to seem too chill. since he said he wants a real serious relationship. We even joked about buying an apartment together. I want to reassure him that I want the same thing too. Because I know I can seem not very serious about stuff and even seem that I don't care, which is not the case here at all.
How can I communicate this to him? So that he knows that I am serious about us and that I am in this for the long run, but at the same time without seeing to clingy or something so don't scare him away also. But maybe he wouldn't get scared since he said it himself he wants a real serious long thing?