Moving past my mistake?

[foolishness]

Hi again everyone.

First of all I'd like to say thanks to everyone who read my post a few weeks back - your advice & thoughts encouraged me to seek out help, which I've done and I'm working on my issue at current.

I fear, however, I've messed up a bit. I've had feelings for quite a long time for a friend & co-worker, whom I'm very close with. We discuss pretty much everything, films, music, relationships including recently, my admitting some of my issues & past experiences, to which she has been a great help in coming to terms with a lot of things. As I said, I've had feelings for her for a long time, but I've kept things professional and platonic, as we work too closely for this to really be practical (I'm an optometrist, she's the manager of the practice).

She's been with her boyfriend for around ten years, and for the past 7-8 months they've had a really rough patch and are on the verge of breaking up, mostly staying together as they've built their lives around one another & have a mortgage together. We've spent a lot of time talking about this and I've basically just tried to be a friendly ear & shoulder to cry on, refusing to allow my personal feelings to have any kind of bearing on our conversations. Yet the other night, with the addition of quite a few drinks (who'd have thought it?), I ended up kissing her, telling her how I've felt about her for the past two years, thankfully coming to my senses before anything else happened. (If that were ever going to happen given my previous post!)

We've not really talked since, bar some extremely awkward and rather stiff moments at work. Despite how I feel about her, I would not want this to develop into a relationship. It'd be incredibly poorly timed for both of us, I have my stuff going on, she has hers and, even if she felt the same way, she's not the sort of person to leave her partner for another guy, despite how bad things are with them.

My query is thus; What's the best course of action from here-on? I've successfully thrown a spanner into a close friendship and a valuable professional relationship by being a drunk muppet. Beyond speaking to her about it on Tuesday, which is worrying to say the least, I'm not really certain of the best way to proceed. Had it been just a drunken kiss I think it could perhaps have been a "Sorry for being a drunk moron" conversation, but airing my, probably fairly obvious already, feelings to her, I don't quite know if I can just blame that on the booze. One of my bigger regrets being that I don't want her to feel that I've somehow used my knowledge of her failing relationship to almost undermine it, if that makes sense?

Not entirely sure if I'm just massively overthinking this or not.
But any advice, constructive or otherwise is appreciated.

Cheers, J.

[TheEvilJester]

That is definitely a tough one. I'll admit to not 100% being sure, myself, of the best course of action here. Do you just leave it alone and hope it blows over? Maybe, but maybe that would just make things continue to be awkward or even to the point where the friendship just ends completely.

On the other hand, do you talk to her about it/apologize? Maybe. That could clear the air and help you both get past it. ...Then again, it could just reintroduce the issue and only make things worse.

I must admit I am a bit stumped myself, so I hope some of the others have thoughts. But, I suppose I can offer what I think I would do in your situation. I think I'd personally talk to her about it later. I think I'd just ask to talk to her privately and say something like "I'm really sorry. I got drunk the other day and said and did some things I probably shouldn't have done. I'll be honest, I have always kind of liked you, but I knew you had a boyfriend. I would never do anything to jeopardize that for you. What happened the other day, I never meant for that to happen and I am sorry. I really value our friendship, so I hope we can go back to being friends again, but I definitely understand however it is you may feel about it..."

Anyway, that's just off the top of my head. Hopefully you get the idea. But, again, that is just what I think I would do if I were in your situation. I'm not necessarily sure if that is what you should do. But, I will say one thing I think is sure... I would say you should not talk to her about her current relationship anymore unless she actually comes to you first. You never intended to try to undermine her relationship, you were just being there as a friend. But, now that she knows how you feel, she may not see it that way if you ask her about her relationship. So, for now I would suggest you don't bring it up unless she does.

Best of luck either way.

[smackie09]

Just apologize for your behavior, and tell her you will be respecting her space, and keep things professional. That should button up this just fine.

[CantMoveOn]

She must know you have had feelings for her to begin with, and who knows maybe she returns the feelings privately but not outwardly to you, being higher up at work, and being in an LT relationship, so all you can do is be sincere and apologize for making anything weird between you two.

[Hooo!]

I don't get this. You want her
Yet You try everything not to be with her

Who are you?
Spiderman?

[TheEvilJester]

IS HE?! Hey, Spidey! How you been? Put in a good word with Cap and the rest of the Avengers for me.

[foolishness]

Hi guys,

Many thanks for the responses. Sorry for being so late to the party.

I ended up just taking her for lunch on our break at work and apologising, and we discussed things. As Can'tMoveOn stated, she already knew I had feelings for her, and just said she's in a bit too much of a state for anything to happen, admitting she'd actually left her partner a few days before any of this happened (which I was unaware of at the time). We agreed it would be in neither of our best interests, given what's going on with each of us personally, to pursue it further. Sadly we haven't really spoken together in a friendly capacity as we used to since this happened, mostly just professional courtesy & where we need to at work. Let's face it, that's my bad.

Hoo - I want her, I won't deny that, but I don't believe anything good would come out of a relationship between us. At least now, if not in the future; I have a lot of personal and family related things happening, she's left a longterm partner and is having to think about selling her house / uprooting her entire life. But I don't think that's a great way to go about things, so I'd rather just go for a "not gonna happen" scenario and move past it, and perhaps find someone else that I like in a similar manner. And hopefully we'll eventually grow to the point of being able to laugh at it and be friends again; time heals all?

Thanks guys, Jake.

[TheEvilJester]

I think you have the right approach now. It is a shame it didn't work out, but I 100% agree with you that now does not feel like the right time to pursue things. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely think Hooo's more direct approach CAN be good. And....Hell... I could be wrong.... But I just think there sometimes are situations where it isn't best. Like you said, she's going through a lot right now. That really is not the best time to start a new relationship.

Heck, that CAN be the sort of thing that can ruin what otherwise COULD have had a chance to be a good thing. Having just come out of a long term relationship... having to maybe uproot her life.... that's a lot of drama that she owes it to herself to deal with before she even entertains a new relationship.

So, for now I think you have exactly the right idea. Assume in your own mind that is the end of things. That you two just weren't a match. Then move on as you would if that were the case. At the same time, though, don't burn the bridge with her. You never known what could happen in time. Maybe she'll get through all her stuff right now and fate will see fit to bring you two together after all. Or maybe you'll find a time where you feel the time is right to actually ask her out, this time properly.

But for now I definitely do think you have the right approach. For now, assume nothing will ever happen between you two. For now, look for love elsewhere. Maybe you'll find somebody great.... maybe life will bring you two together after all. You never know. But at least this way you don't put your life on hold for something that may never happen.

Best of luck to you!

[richiro]

here is the danger of this situation. Your feelings are what they are and they aren't going to go away I dont' believe (can you MOVE PAST this and quell your feelings)? If you can - do it NOW. Yes it'll take time but the work starts NOW until it's completed.

Barring that ability or willingness - your feelings will stay. So now you have the tougher part of the job. Either you say, "i can't just be friend with you, my feelings are too strong" and you work towards that (yes with her rebound and your other stuff.. maybe it takes a WHILE and you go REAL SLOW) - or you need to just say "i'm sorry.. i can't just be friends with you, my feelings are way too strong.." and you stop being in contact with her unless she changes her mind someday and would like to go out on a date.

I know that seems illogical, dramatic, and unreasonable -- but this one is going to tear you apart and keep you from living YOUR life and meeting other people unless you can 1) kill your feelings for her, or 2) realize you can't and it must be a relationship or nothing... (of course time heals all wounds and maybe down the road many years from now.. like decades - you can be friends or more after a long break of not talking or being in contact).

[TheEvilJester]

That's right. My apologies for forgetting to comment on that myself. I completely agree with richiro here. In a situation like yours, that is generally the two options you have. Well, that is assuming you can't see being just friends with the person. If you honestly CAN go on being just their friend, AND you honestly CAN move on to look for love elsewhere without just holding yourself back, even if you don't realize you are doing it, because part of you still wants to be with them.... That's a different story. But, assuming that your feelings for them are too much for you to see being just friends with them...

You either A) decide it is too hard to be just friends with them, so you try to pursue a relationship

or

B) decide it is too hard to be just friends with them, so you decide it is better to part ways and not remain actively friends.

Part B does NOT mean you tell them off, tell them to go to Hell or anything like that. You shouldn't have to part on bad terms. I often sum it up as you can be FRIENDLY you just shouldn't necessarily actively be friends. Again, those options assume that you feel it would be too hard to remain friends with the person without it causing you to just hold yourself back from finding love in anybody else.

Best of luck to you either way.