He canceled last minute. Did I over react?

[jwireman]

I have been seeing this man for 4 months. Usually about once or twice a week. We had scheduled dinner plans earlier in the week for Friday at 7. I text him to confirm them on Thursday and arranged a sitter for my young son. Friday morning he text me asking where we should go etc. Told me he'd be out of work around 7 and would be in touch.

At 7:20, sitter already at my house, I get a phone call from him that "his mom called and his uncle surprised the family and she's guilting him into coming to dinner". I was literally sitting in my jacket waiting for him to arrive and had a babysitter sitting in my house. I was not pleased, and said if he wants to reschedule he can let me know. He said he thought I would be more understanding, I explained he was being very inconsiderate of my time. He said we would do lunch Sunday. I was clearly upset but not being nasty at all.

I did not hear from him Saturday or today, the day he said we would do lunch.

He's got me feeling like I somehow did something wrong? I understand family is important, but he literally blew me off like it was nothing.

Advice?

[richiro]

yeah you over-reacted. its not as if he's had a pattern of doing this. And his explanation seems reasonable to me (family comes over, and family is guilting you into spending time with family - pretty common). I agree with him that you probably could've been more understanding - even if upset.

I am not surprised he hasn't called - why woudl somebody that just got chewed out for somethign beyond their control after not messing up at all o cancelling once over 4 months - want to come back fore more? You made it about you instead of undersatnding the entire situation in its context. Life and sh*t happens. Nobody should be chewed out when it does and wasn't their own doing.

[Snow White]

"why woudl somebody that just got chewed out for somethign beyond their control after not messing up at all o cancelling once over 4 months - want to come back fore more?" Because he is an adult and he said he would!

I don't know how you spoke to him but, by him saying he thought you would be more understanding, then it was clear to him that you were upset but he still said he would take you out to lunch, so it couldn't have been that bad.

You could have been more understanding and perhaps blew it out of proportion but, sometimes we just react rather than taking the time to think it through.Maybe you felt unimportant to him at the time.

Lunch would have been a good time to discuss your feelings about what happened but, not calling back and not showing up shows immaturity and perhaps vindictiveness. This little mishap should be confronted and discussed so that it doesn't become a bigger deal than it actually is.

[jwireman]

I have not heard from him since. It's been 5 days. I'm not entirely sure what's going on but it's very upsetting. The conversation was not aggressive in any way, I just expressed my feelings. He has gone MIA before. Mind you, this man has commitment issues.

[mellyann]

How do you know what he told you was true? That it actually had to do with his mom, uncle and family? and not another girl and date, because you had a sitter and already to go to dinner so why didn't he swing by and take you over to that dinner too. I would be wondering about why he didn't invite you when he changed plans without notice to you, after getting a sitter.

[TheEvilJester]

Not having heard exactly what you said or how you said it, I can't necessarily know, but it certainly could be possible you over-reacted. I don't think any of us can know that for sure.

At least in my personal opinion, you absolutely had every right to be upset....BUT, at the same time, if this was a first time thing you also probably should have just let it go. I say that because he cancelled on you literally at the last minute. In fact, late even. You said your plans were for 7 and he calls you at 7:20 to cancel?!

Now, sure, family IS important... but that does NOT mean he should be cancelling plans (last minute, no less) that he'd already made in advance. I mean, unless there were circumstances of which we are not aware. Like, maybe he hasn't seen the uncle in years... and the uncle was only able to visit that day... or whatever. Then I'd understand... because my personal gut reaction was "Why the Hell couldn't he just visit his uncle another day?"

So, I personally don't think you were wrong for the way you felt. I also think you would have been perfectly reasonable to say something like "Okay, I understand. But, in the future I would appreciate more advance notice. I already had the sitter here and I'm dressed up waiting for you to arrive." In other words, to show that it is okay, and you understand sometimes things come up... but that you are a human being as well and your time and feelings should also be important.

Again, not having been there to hear what you said or how you said it, I can't necessarily comment on whether or not you may have over-reacted somewhat. But, given the fact that it has been days and he's not bothered to reach out again, I'm sort of leaning towards a "who cares?" kind of opinion. Reason being, I'm starting to wonder if he's mature and adult enough to deserve you anyway. I mean, you definitely had every right to be annoyed for him cancelling last minute. Unless you chewed him out, and yelled at him or something like that, I don't see why it should cause him to go completely no contact.

Not that you should have to, but did you try reaching out to him? Does he just ignore it, or have you not even tried either? Because maybe that could be the next step. You reach out first, just something casual like "Hey, so how about that lunch? Want to meet up soon?" and see how it goes from there.

Best of luck to you either way.

[Snow White]

So, here is something I ask the women all the time....would You treat someone you care about like he is treating you? Do you want a commitment? I'm asking because you said he has commitment problems.

It makes no sense to me that he would make plans with you after the incident and then blow you off for five days. That can't possibly make you feel good. You are more worthy of much better treatment. If a guy or girl treated your children that way, what advice would you give them?

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I actually think that is often really good advice. Imagine the exact same situations as if it is happening to a loved one instead of you. To your best friend, or your brother or sister, or your children if you have any of dating age.

Sometimes, when something is happening to us with a person we thought could maybe be a good match for us, it becomes hard to tell if our reaction is appropriate. If we are maybe over-reacting or under-reacting. Is what is happening relatively normal and something that should be allowed to slide, or is it maybe something that is NOT okay and should be addressed or may even be a reason to consider moving on?

It can be hard to tell when you are too close to the situation. So, take a step back, imagine it was your best friend or your brother or sister in the exact same situation. What do you think you'd tell them? How do you think you'd feel? If you find that you'd probably be telling them "Oh, that doesn't sound like too big a deal. Just give <insert SO's name here> a call and see how things go..." Well, then maybe that is good advice to take yourself. If you think you'd be telling them "<insert SO's name here> isn't treating you fairly and you shouldn't put up with that..." Well, then, maybe that's a sign that you shouldn't ignore.

The same basic concept could also work for deciding whether or not you over-reacted initially. Again, imagining as though it happened to two other people, what would be your thoughts if one of those people was asking you for advice?

Best of luck to you either way.

[smackie09]

He should have picked you up and took you to dinner with his family if he was so stuck. He's a grown man for f sakes, he couldn't make a compromise and tell his mother "I will go to dinner only if I can bring my GF/date." or simply told her no, he already has plans?

I agree he was inconsiderate...it's not like he had to rush to the hospital because his mom was dying...it was just dinner. He's a big boy, he could have worked something out. IMO cut him off. After 4 month, and you are not a priority...fail.

[BobTheFixer]

This is the answer https://tinyurl.com/ycvmwjdq

[TheEvilJester]

He should have picked you up and took you to dinner with his family if he was so stuck. He's a grown man for f sakes, he couldn't make a compromise and tell his mother "I will go to dinner only if I can bring my GF/date." or simply told her no, he already has plans?

I agree he was inconsiderate...it's not like he had to rush to the hospital because his mom was dying...it was just dinner. He's a big boy, he could have worked something out. IMO cut him off. After 4 month, and you are not a priority...fail.

I'm glad some others have echoed that sentiment, because that was my gut reaction too. Wasn't sure if maybe I was over-reacting a bit. But that was my thought exactly. I don't see how that was such an emergency that he couldn't just tell his family "Sorry, I already had plans, but we can all gather tomorrow/whatever day."

Heck, as you mentioned they even could have made a compromise. He'd come visit the family, but bring her along (as long as she was fine with joining in, of course). I mean... maybe he felt it was too soon for the meet the family phase, but then why not just make alternative plans with the family? Was there some reason there was literally no way he could have just visited his uncle some other day?

Even so, as I said, I wouldn't necessarily consider this enough of an offense to end things in and of itself if it is the first time anything like this has happened. ....His actions afterward... that may be different. Sounds like he's basically ghosted on her after HE was the one in the wrong. That is not okay in my book. I assume they are both adults. Adults should be mature enough to be able to talk things out. This MAY be a sign he's no adult, even if he chronologically is. MAYBE just all a big misunderstanding... but I lean towards thinking if it was it wouldn't have been days of silence.