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Thread: Girl wants to be friends after first date?

  1. #1
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    Girl wants to be friends after first date?

    It had been a long time since Id been on a date. I started talking to this girl a 2 weeks ago on Bumble. We had everything in common. Both wanted relationships and kids someday (says so on her profile) Both have jobs in helping people (completing my school for Paramedic and shes a Case Manager turning into therapist) and we would talk everyday and we'd always keep up the same amount of texts (nothing was ever short or forced in our convos) and then I finally asked her out on Friday to go out on Saturday, to this outdoor area downtown that has a beer garden, food, inside pool and games and right on the water. She said she loves that place and was happy to go. She changed it to Friday night and asked if her friend and her friends date could join us, she said she gets nervous on first meet ups and worries about her safety. I was ok with it. We were both nervous but excited. Her friend and their date were nice. When we first met up, I was lost and we called each other and we found each other laughing, she introduced me to her friend and her friend was asking me questions and I felt comfortable with them all. I teased my date a little bit and she'd laugh at all my jokes. Her friend and their date left us alone for a few minutes to talk alone. She showed me how she got her nails done right before the date. I should have complimented her but I didn't. We walked around a little and went to the bar area and I bought both of us a beer. While we were both walking away I accidentally took the pen from the bar and she's like "pen pen pen!! Hey don't steal!" and we laughed. It just felt like we got on really well. We all sat down and me and her just got lost in conversation. She was never at one point on her phone. We were both drinking at the same pace. She'd always keep strong eye contact when we'd talk and her pupils would be taking up most of her eyes when she'd be looking at me and talking. We talked about everything. Our jobs, our hobbies, our crazy stories, we'd laugh really hard at jokes from each other, we couldn't go inside to play pool because we still had our beers. But we just sat there for 2 hours talking until they closed. Her and her friend left to go the restroom before we left and I sat with the guy and we had small talk. They came back and we walked toward the front. They all offered to walk me to my car since I was parked in the way back in the dark but I said "no it's ok I think I can handle it" and we said our goodbyes. Her friends went for handshakes, and when I shook her friends hand her friend said "I guess we'll see you soon then" and then my date went on for a hug but I made the mistake of giving her that awkward sideways hug. When I pulled back she looked confused. Asked to exchange numbers and she said she'd put me in from her call history. As I was walking away they all were just standing there looking back and all looked confused. I didn't think much of this. In my head, I thought the whole night went well. I felt a connection with this girl.

    The next day after the date, I told her I had a good time and enjoyed meeting her friends. She said "Sorry if I talked your ear off!" I told her I enjoyed it. I made an inside joke but also invited her out at the same time "Well Id like to go out with you again, but I can't promise they'll have box water wherever we go haha"

    Then she hits me with a text I never imagined.
    She texts me "I really enjoyed spending time with you and I think we'd have a great friendship. I was wondering if you'd be okay with being just friends"
    I replied back "I respect that. I feel we have a lot in common and I enjoy getting to know you. I have to ask you, why do you just want to be friends? If I offended you or did something wrong, I want to make sure I don't do it in the future. With you or anyone else."
    And she replied back "You didn't offend me or do anything wrong! I just didn't feel a connection for that type of relationship"

    I haven't been able to figure out how to answer her. I like this girl and I felt an connection with her, especially how her eyes would look when we talked. I went over the date in my head, and realized where I screwed up. My nervousness got the best of me. Although we had great conversation and could joke around with each other, I never complimented her looks once. I never tried to get her alone and walk around alone. I never made any subtle touches. And I think what closed the deal, was that horrible hug. I should have done better with that. I felt nervous with her friend and their date there. I think I put myself in the friend zone by my own fault. Because clearly she's attracted to me, I look the same as my photos, and we do have a lot in common. Conversation flowed. We have the same sense of humor.

    I need real advice on what to do here. I like her. And I think I�m the one that screwed up, even if she doesn't want to admit it. How can I fix this? I�m keeping my space until I figure out how to respond to her. This was the first date I've been on in a long time. Honestly, I voluntarily haven't been on a date in about 2 years because that was the type of guy I was. I was only ever interested in hook ups with women, but this year I decided to change my interest on my profile to "looking for hookup" to "looking for a relationship and matched with her shortly after. Although I'm fast and suave on hook ups, this being my first date in awhile since a long term relationship, I didn't think clearly. I regret it. But she's been the one girl I've been really interested in in awhile. I wish I could have a redo of the night.

    - - - Updated - - -
    Last edited by Xjay21; 04-02-19 at 11:02 PM.

  2. #2
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    I could be wrong, so I hope others chime in with what they think.... however, I don't necessarily feel like the things you cite that you think you did wrong could be what caused her to "friend-zone" you. Don't get me wrong. You could maybe work to improve in those aspects anyway, or maybe YOU could be the one unintentionally sending vibes that YOU just want to be friends.

    Things is, though, if she was interested in you romantically, I don't think she'd suddenly change her mind just because of one date, particularly when it sounds like it went generally well. I don't think she'd suddenly change her mind because she THOUGHT you just wanted to be friends. I mean... maybe if she got the sense that you just wanted to be friends she'd pullback/slow down... but probably not if you made it clear you DID want more.

    Again, I guess I'm not necessarily an expert, but I tend to think if she is "friend-zoning" you, it is because SHE didn't see this becoming a romantic relationship, not because she sensed you didn't. Another thing... I don't know if maybe I'm just not up to date with what is usual/normal these days, but I kind of think her insisting on the sort of double date situation with her friends was a little strange for a first date. Don't get me wrong, I understand the logic of it, but I think that's why you tend to have first dates in a public place.

    I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but that seems awkward for a first date. Especially for you. It's less awkward for her because they are her friends. For you, they are two strangers you are now meeting for the first time, at the same time as you are officially dating her for the first time. I don't know if it is just me, but that seems a little weird.

    Anyway, I guess let me get to the point... If she's told you she wants to just be friends, that probably isn't going to change. People don't usually say something like that when they don't mean it. Women, especially, don't generally say that and later change their minds. I mean, it isn't like it is completely impossible... it's just that usually once somebody has decided that, they are unlikely to change their mind. Honestly, my personal suggestion would be to move on and assume it isn't ever going to change. Does that mean you remain friends with her, or does it mean you wish her the best and say your goodbyes? That would be up to you. If you feel like remaining "just friends" with her would just result in your secretly trying to inevitably change her mind, you'd probably be better off just moving on. If you feel you could remain "just friends" with her and actually accept that as the result, actually look for love elsewhere, etc. then maybe it is worth having her as a friend. Heck, you never even know what the future could bring, but you just shouldn't waste time relying on it.

    Ultimately, though, you have to do what feels right for you. Moving on would be my personal suggestion, but maybe you aren't ready for that. Maybe you wouldn't feel right unless you at least tried to see if you can turn it around. If you feel you have to do that, my advice would be two main things. 1) Don't push it too much. Take time, get closer to her, and maybe things will move back in the direction you want after all. But if you keep trying to push it when she's told you she's not interested, you'll likely just push her away. 2) Have some reasonable time frame in your own mind where, if nothing changes, you'll decide nothing is likely to change and you'll move on accordingly. What you don't want is to wind up in limbo forever, waiting on something that may never happen and possibly missing out on somebody great you may have found if you weren't too hung up on somebody you couldn't have.

    Best of luck to you either way. Sorry. I know the advice I offered probably wasn't what you were hoping to hear. It's just that people don't generally throw around the "just friends" talk without meaning it, and usually it doesn't change. I'd be happy for you if your situation wound up being different, but you should just be prepared for the possibility it isn't. Again, good luck.
    Last edited by TheEvilJester; 04-02-19 at 11:55 PM.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xjay21 View Post
    It had been a long time since Id been on a date. I started talking to this girl a 2 weeks ago on Bumble. We had everything in common. Both wanted relationships and kids someday (says so on her profile) Both have jobs in helping people (completing my school for Paramedic and shes a Case Manager turning into therapist) and we would talk everyday and we'd always keep up the same amount of texts (nothing was ever short or forced in our convos) and then I finally asked her out on Friday to go out on Saturday, to this outdoor area downtown that has a beer garden, food, inside pool and games and right on the water. She said she loves that place and was happy to go. She changed it to Friday night and asked if her friend and her friends date could join us, she said she gets nervous on first meet ups and worries about her safety. I was ok with it. We were both nervous but excited. Her friend and their date were nice. When we first met up, I was lost and we called each other and we found each other laughing, she introduced me to her friend and her friend was asking me questions and I felt comfortable with them all. I teased my date a little bit and she'd laugh at all my jokes. Her friend and their date left us alone for a few minutes to talk alone. She showed me how she got her nails done right before the date. I should have complimented her but I didn't. We walked around a little and went to the bar area and I bought both of us a beer. While we were both walking away I accidentally took the pen from the bar and she's like "pen pen pen!! Hey don't steal!" and we laughed. It just felt like we got on really well. We all sat down and me and her just got lost in conversation. She was never at one point on her phone. We were both drinking at the same pace. She'd always keep strong eye contact when we'd talk and her pupils would be taking up most of her eyes when she'd be looking at me and talking. We talked about everything. Our jobs, our hobbies, our crazy stories, we'd laugh really hard at jokes from each other, we couldn't go inside to play pool because we still had our beers. But we just sat there for 2 hours talking until they closed. Her and her friend left to go the restroom before we left and I sat with the guy and we had small talk. They came back and we walked toward the front. They all offered to walk me to my car since I was parked in the way back in the dark but I said "no it's ok I think I can handle it" and we said our goodbyes. Her friends went for handshakes, and when I shook her friends hand her friend said "I guess we'll see you soon then" and then my date went on for a hug but I made the mistake of giving her that awkward sideways hug. When I pulled back she looked confused. Asked to exchange numbers and she said she'd put me in from her call history. As I was walking away they all were just standing there looking back and all looked confused. I didn't think much of this. In my head, I thought the whole night went well. I felt a connection with this girl.

    The next day after the date, I told her I had a good time and enjoyed meeting her friends. She said "Sorry if I talked your ear off!" I told her I enjoyed it. I made an inside joke but also invited her out at the same time "Well Id like to go out with you again, but I can't promise they'll have box water wherever we go haha"

    Then she hits me with a text I never imagined.
    She texts me "I really enjoyed spending time with you and I think we'd have a great friendship. I was wondering if you'd be okay with being just friends"
    I replied back "I respect that. I feel we have a lot in common and I enjoy getting to know you. I have to ask you, why do you just want to be friends? If I offended you or did something wrong, I want to make sure I don't do it in the future. With you or anyone else."
    And she replied back "You didn't offend me or do anything wrong! I just didn't feel a connection for that type of relationship"

    I haven't been able to figure out how to answer her. I like this girl and I felt an connection with her, especially how her eyes would look when we talked. I went over the date in my head, and realized where I screwed up. My nervousness got the best of me. Although we had great conversation and could joke around with each other, I never complimented her looks once. I never tried to get her alone and walk around alone. I never made any subtle touches. And I think what closed the deal, was that horrible hug. I should have done better with that. I felt nervous with her friend and their date there. I think I put myself in the friend zone by my own fault. Because clearly she's attracted to me, I look the same as my photos, and we do have a lot in common. Conversation flowed. We have the same sense of humor.

    I need real advice on what to do here. I like her. And I think I�m the one that screwed up, even if she doesn't want to admit it. How can I fix this? I�m keeping my space until I figure out how to respond to her. This was the first date I've been on in a long time. Honestly, I voluntarily haven't been on a date in about 2 years because that was the type of guy I was. I was only ever interested in hook ups with women, but this year I decided to change my interest on my profile to "looking for hookup" to "looking for a relationship and matched with her shortly after. Although I'm fast and suave on hook ups, this being my first date in awhile since a long term relationship, I didn't think clearly. I regret it. But she's been the one girl I've been really interested in in awhile. I wish I could have a redo of the night.

    - - - Updated - - -
    Also it’s not that I made her think I want to be friends, but I feel like my lack of confidence and not treating her like a date may have come off unattractive and I didn’t do anything to make a “spark” while her friends date was taking her off by to eager to be alone, or keeping his hand on her though while they sit close, I was just nervous and not making any moves or romantic advances, which is embarrassing, the double date thing was weird to me at first but she said she worries about her safety because she’s a pretty anxious person and I think her bringing them along was to help her calm down (they arrived an hour before I did to get some drinks and relax first) she paid most attention to me than them while her friends date paid attention to her friend as well
    Last edited by Xjay21; 05-02-19 at 12:16 AM.

  4. #4
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    To be honest, again... I think that was a little unfair on her part to expect that of you. Again, I don't know if it is just me, but that's how it hits me. A first date is nerve-wracking enough. You don't need to dump having to double date with two people you also don't know on top of that. I 100% understand her safety concern. That makes sense. But that's why people tend to do a first date in a public place... not bring along backup.

    I wasn't a fly on the wall to witness your interactions, so it is a little hard to judge. Lack of confidence certainly CAN seem unattractive. However, it sounds like you said, despite your nervousness, you two still hit it off pretty well. Again, to me that just doesn't sound like the kind of situation where somebody's takeaway from that would be "he was too nervous." If you two otherwise hit it off well, as you seem to say you did, I would think a reasonable human being would understand a little nervousness and/or awkwardness as being pretty standard first date stuff.

    So, again, I lean towards thinking if she has already "friend-zoned" you it is because SHE didn't feel that spark, not necessarily because of how you acted on that date. In other words, chances are that was likely to be her conclusion anyway.

    Again... I could be wrong. My personal advice would be to move on as though you assume she is never going to change her mind (whatever that would mean for you). But, again, I'd understand if maybe you are not ready to give up on the chance that soon. If that is the case, I guess your approach is just what feels right to you.

    On the one hand, you could maybe just go for it and be bold. Just say to her something like "You know, I thought we had fun on that first date. I think maybe I was just a little nervous. I'd love another shot to take you out one on one and we can just see if maybe there is a spark there after all." I mean, definitely word that your own way, though. That was just off the top of my head, so I'm not sure I like it verbatim, but hopefully it gives you an idea of how you'd word it. The risk you take there is that it drives her away... but if you want a relationship with her and NOT just a friendship, then maybe it is a worthwhile risk anyway.

    On the other hand, if you aren't comfortable being so bold, you can maybe just try getting to know her a little better as friends for a bit. Get a feel for if you two hit it off. Get a feel for whether maybe you think there could be some wiggle room in her "friend zone" declaration, or if you think it is unlikely to change. Again, with that approach I just caution having a reasonable time frame in mind, and move on if that time frame expires with nothing changing. You don't deserve to do that to yourself... get hung up on somebody who just isn't interested. So, even if you do decide to take some time to see if you could change her mind.... don't waste too much time.

    Best of luck to you either way.

  5. #5
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    From what youve said in my opinion I dont think you did anything wrong or that her wanting to be friends means you did something wrong. But based off the situation you dont seemed to be completely friend zoned and there may be some room for you to get out of a friend only relationship. And like the girl you lik said, I think she only said she would b friends with you because of the type of vibe or feeling she got from you connection. But this didnt a bad thing because its always nice that your friends with you bf or the person you jus taking to.

  6. #6
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    I think you need to let her go. My ex girlfriend and I were too different I think. I broke up with my ex –girlfriend two months ago. Now I have plan try to find new girlf from Europe. I will try one of 5 apps to meet romanian women brilic app. I think it is serious app where I can meet girls.
    Last edited by kimduhan; 13-03-19 at 04:44 PM.

  7. #7
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    Good luck kimduhan, Romanian women are very beautiful.

  8. #8
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    Yum, that looks yummy.

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