Am I being played AGAIN??

[cubbyj]

Been lurking for awhile trying to find advice on my situation. can't really so figured I'd join and post. Sorry this is kind of long winded but ya need to know all the details to be able to understand my situation.

This pertains to online dating and the pitfalls of meeting women "online". I came out of a long term relationship (8 years). I left her, she just wasn't willing to try anymore. I moved out started over with nothing. After a few months I figured I was ready to start dating, what would it hurt right?

I joined a online dating site, within a week I had found someone who wanted to meet me. She seemed like everything I ever wanted, beautiful, funny and very romantic. She asked me to marry her, this wasn't a casual relationship or a question of she wasn't sure what she wanted. Due to circumstances beyond our control she had to move in with me after only knowing her about 3 weeks. which was OK by me even though it was rushing things. Very long story short, I found out she was bi-polar and telling the truth just wasn't on her agenda. After I had met her i deleted my account on the dating site, figuring I am no longer looking, right? She told me she did too. Yet I slowly found out she hadn't. I confront her as to why and she says well I have friends on there that I like to keep in touch with. I'm fine with that, I'm not a jealous guy just don't keep secrets from me. It started to escalate..The site had weekly " local meets" that she just had to go to and never once asking me if I'd like to go. It just went straight downhill from there, she wanted to be single yet reap the benefits of having a boyfriend pretty much. Found out later she dated guys the whole time we were together and was just a player. I learned a hard lesson from this but it didn't destroy me. Realised her being bi-polar had a lot to do with why she did what she did.


After giving it some time to get over her and what she had done to me, I decide to rejoin the same site and try again. I was about to give up on it and go back to real life meeting woman when I get a message from "Kris" saying "hi I like your profile give me a shout if ya'd like to chat". We hit it off instantly. She met me that weekend, driving all the way across the city(big city too) to meet me. In person the chemistry was amazing, total sparks!! We totally clicked, like we were made for each other. We work opposite hours and live on different ends of the city so seeing each other during the week is pretty tough to do. I'm ok with this though.

My problems start here, during the week I hardly hear from her at all. I should say we have known each other over a month now and have been out about 6 times, no we haven't slept together yet but are very affectionate and touchy together. I'm in no rush and neither is she. She tells me she likes me a lot, I'm an amazing guy and she really wants to see where this can go. I'm not a needy guy and don't need attention all the time but when someone says they're going to call and don't, it tends to worry me. Even our last few dates have been almost an afterthought to her. Knowing we can only see each other on the weekends I'd make sure I'd have time for her, yet the past couple she has been like "well I can meet you later on"??

I know this seems like a likely scenario of me wanting more than she does right? I thought that too but if you heard all of the words she has said to me about us, you'd think i was her everything. When we're together everything feels so right, like it was meant to be. i don't smother her and i don't come off as being needy to her. i give her space and don't question what she does.

So she said she'd call, after us going out and having an awesome time last Saturday night, we even agreed that we are "officially" dating. I was kinda hurt by not hearing from her at al but have kind of grown accustom to it, she's a busy person and if it weren't for what she's told me I'd probably not be waiting for her. I know, I could've called her but wanted to see if she actually would. So out of morbid curiosity I decide to see if she is still on that dating site that we met through. I had deleted my profile as my bi-polar ex was still on there and I didn't want any more reminders of her. Lo and behold she still was on there and active in the past 24 hours! This may sound kind of creepy but after going through what i went through with the ex I was not going to let this happen again. So everyday I'd check to see if she was on the site or even if she had changed her profile to say she's met someone, she has been on every single day last week, from her work but never from home at night.

My real dilemma is this, do I question her about this and come off sounding like a stalker jealous controlling type? The clincher is she knows what my ex did to me with that site. I'm not going to go through this again! I know most will say she's simply keeping her options open, well I'll tell ya, don't commit to someone if you plan on keeping your options open! Why be on a dating site daily if you're not looking!?!? I don't get it!! I know if I confront her with this it will probably be the end, to have someone snoop on ya isn't the greatest feeling and raises red flags to most, but what else can i do?!

To me actions speak louder than words, her words say everything i want to hear yet her actions have proven nothing to me. Its kind of ironic, her profile was looking for long term and I was looking for friends, funny how the tables seem to have turned. i will say I have let her know I like her a lot, she knows i totally like her, I have not hid this from her and have not played any games with her. i thought I was doing everything right for once but once again I find myself in the exact same situation i had with my ex who i met on that site.


What do i do?? Advice please??

Thanks!!

[Tone]

Confront her.

You say she knows what happened with your ex, so she should understand why you are concerned with her keeping an active profile there.

And yeah, if you guys just made it 'official' you are dating, then there should be no reason for her to keep an open profile. How old are you two?

[blackiesharley]

Two thoughts briefly...

1 - Forget the term 'needy.' It's this years 'flavor of the month' term up there with the last few years in vouge words:

Desperate
Challenge
Clingly
Smothering

There are more but I can't think of them now. We're all 'needy' and with the right person, none of those cliche's matter anyway.

2 - I think online dating is a hornet's nest. Give me an old-fashioned bar or music club anytime. Seems to keep life much more simple.

[cubbyj]

Thanks for the replies. We are both 37. Neither of us have been married. she does however have a child, I have none. I mean it's only been a few days since we said it's official. yet I see her on the site right now. I think I may wait a few days before saying anything to her. I know she's not on there checking up on me, she knows the reason i deleted my profile. I almost wish I hadn't now because it'd be easier for me to say hey well we're dating now, lets either change our profile or delete them. I'm not about to rejoin either.

I just got a rather nice email from her saying how much she enjoys being with me and going out ect ect. Said she didn't call yesterday because she was feeling very tired and didn't want to bother me, yet she said she went to a movie with her daughter!?!? Is it so hard to pick up a phone and say hi!? I guess I'm one to talk as I never tried to call her but she said she'd call and didn't. So again her words say everything but her actions don't. I mean as far as I know she's just bored at work and it's a way to pass the time? I've never seen her logged on after working hours. She gets home at around 5 and I've yet to see her on during those hours (it says the time user was last logged in on their profiles). I know i have trust issues, I just wonder why she's on there. I mean her pics are still there in the open, so it's not like she's being sneaky or anything...Its not so much the fact that she's still a member or hasn't changed her profile to reflect her current situation, Its the fact she's on there daily that worries me the most!!

If this doesn't work, I will never meet anyone online again. Its just with my job and the hours I work it was easier to do it this way. My heart says give her a chance to prove herself but my head says get out of here!

This sucks!!

[Tone]

Yeah man, it does suck.

Just confront her about it... say something like "I'm sorry if I'm being overly parinoid, but after what happened with the last girl I met here.. hopefully you can understand my concern."

Or somethin along those lines. Otherwise you're going to continue to beat yourself up about this, until you finally get some answers.

[cubbyj]

I know I'm gonna have to....I need to do it tactfully and not accusatory.

I should fill ya in on one other situation about that site though too. My ex is a big time regular there and had told me she moved out of my city. So one day I'm reading their forums to see if maybe she was still in town as i was gettting these threateniong phone calls. I check the forums there and find the girl I'm dating signed up for a big party at a local bar. No big deal as we weren't dating at the time and had only gone out twice. The party was for a friday, she said she'd call me on that friday, she didn't. I get ahold of her the next day not saying anything about it as it's really none of my business what she does. She said sorry i fell asleep early last night so i didn't call. Instant ex flashback, so i explained that I had saw her signed up for this party and that I'd rather her dump me now than lie to me about stuff like this, she assured me she did sign up but didn't end up going. She had signed up before we met and would've told me if she had of gone and was sorry to make me feel like she had lied. Thats when I explained to her what my ex had done to me and used that site the whole time we were together.

So this is why it's going to be even harder or me to confront her with this as she already knows how i feel....

[Tone]

Damn man, I can see now why you're more hesitant.. after that incident, I'd also be afraid of coming off as too parinoid/stalkerish... but if they have forums at this place, is it possible she's only loggin into her account to browse through the forums during work? Maybe she just has a boring job and reads through those forums to pass time? Is their forums kind of like here? Where people post relationship problems/issues, etc? Just a thought.

[Ellynn]

I know that when I was on one of those dating websites......and stopped going for awhile...(only met one psycho guy and that was it..i was done w/those things..) I got bored and just wanted to browse to see if there was anyone else I knew on there. Wasn't looking for anyone in particular....its just interesting to see if you know someone there...

Hopefully she was just bored and browsing people who were on there. Or...maybe she is feeling what you are feeling.. Your work schedules are opposite and you hardly get to see each other... Talk to her about it...

Your ex sounded like a psycho... But, I partially blame you for rushing into things with her...(moving in after 3 weeks etc). You barely know someone in 3 weeks let alone a few months.. Glad u got out of that when you did....

[Gigabitch]

Blackie's right- online dating is a roll of the dice. I know you think it's easier this way, but I think it's just a whole new way to torture yourself. I hope it works out with Kris, but if it doesn't, you might want to try going back to meeting women the old fashioned way.