Affairs?

[nebulachic]

I mentioned to my b/f the other morning something about a friend of his who is in monogamous relationships but constantly druels and make comments over the opposite sex and how maybe he shouldn't be in monog relatrionships and should go work out his sexual demons at a sex club rather than constantly break women's hearts. I also sort of indicated that I wonder if my b/f is the same and said maybe the two of them should go to a sex club and get their fantasies out of their system. My b/f said "Don't lump me in with _____. I don't let my dick rule my life."

Later that night he called me and somehow we got onto the subject of affairs. He knows I go on this forum regularly. At one point he asked me "So what do people say on that forum about affairs?" "Why do you ask?" I said. "It's all very foreign to me" he said. "I've known friends who have gone to Vegas and picked up a call girl for the weekend but I can't imagine doing that." I said "Well I don't look into that part of the forum very often but I personally think affairs happen out of lack of communication. I've heard elsewhere that sometimes affairs end up helping a relationship too." "I'm glad to hear you say that" he said. "Why? And why are we talking about this?” I asked. “You brought it up this morning!” he said. "You said something about unfulfilled fantasies and people should work them out." I started to feel weird at this point and said “Well why don’t you go on the forum and find out for yourself.” “You know I never go online” he said.

Things got pretty heated after that. At one point he kind of implied something about people going out and screwing around and then come back to their SO. “I wasn’t implying to go out and do stuff while involved with someone.” I said “Oh” he said. I asked him what was really going on and asked if he was interested in someone else or thinking of having an affair. “Do you think I’m looking for your approval to cheat on you?? I was married for 15 years and never cheated on my wife! Doesn’t that say something?? Do you really think I would cheat on you??? I want an answer right now.. yes or no!” I told him no one can know that for sure and wouldn’t answer him which pissed him off more. Then he said "What did we talk about in the beginning of this conversation? How much I love you and how they things we did this weekend are impressing me more and more that we are compatible. You know how you asked me the other day about things I don’t like about you? Well this is one of them." (what he would refer to as being jealous).

I have been very touchy about the subject of other women because of things he's said in the past that haven’t made me feel very assured about the future of our relationship. I got pretty cynical and said "So when can we start cheating on each other? I did get asked out a few weeks ago." (which is true) He asked where I knew the guy from. I said it was a guy online. "I thought you weren't going on there anymore." "I don't," I said. "But I get emails automatically." I have told him before I don't take my profile down because he hasn't given me full assurance we have a future together so in case things don't work out I want to leave it up.

A few hours later I noticed I had a message on my VM I missed. He had a ball game earlier that night and then went to the local bar in his town after. In his message he said "The game was great and we had a great time at _____'s after. Stayed out of trouble and I’m home now if you want to give me a call." He has never said anything like “stayed out of trouble” before.

I don't know what to think.

[vashti]

I looked through your previous threads, and you have a long history of not being able to put a lot of confidence in this relationship. Why should this situation make you feel any differently?

[celerystalksme]

it's hard only hearing on side of the story....

ya'll need to speak your insecurities out...and try to talk this thing through...and figure out what each persons needs from the other person.

the talking...might go marvelously...it might go disastrously. maybe you've already tried having all your issues aired to eachother...and trying to work through them.

in either case, after trying to talk it out, whether it is productive or not...eventually, you have to make the decision as to whether this guy is someone you can trust or not.

[Gigabitch]

Neb, I can't remember- how much older than you is this guy? I keep hearing a little voice that mutters, "Mid-life crisis" when I read your threads.

One perspective: You're giving this guy the sexiest years of your life. I hope he's making it worthwhile, because from over here, it looks like all you get is problems.

[nebulachic]

Good thing to think about Gigabitch.. thanks. He's 51.. I'm 37.

I called him last night and asked to get together. "Want to talk about that crazy conversation last night?" he said. I got there and he said "I don't know what happened for sure but all of a sudden it took a hard left and we got into a very heated argument." I asked why he brought it up at all. "I don't know." he said "I was talking to a guy friend of mine about his marital problems. His wife always freaks out whenever he goes out with the guys." Then he said somethign about how the guy's brother had had an affair.... "You know.. a one night physical thing," he said non-chalantly. "Yeah.. you know just a little sex.. nothing to get upset about" I said sarcastically. He again said something to the effect that he is not a cheater.

It might have something to do with this too (ie, maybe he was comparing notes): A few weeks ago my guy told me was going to a biker rally with a friend of his. I asked if any women were going. He said "It's a guy thing." Things were really teetering between us and I freaked. I asked if he ever used to take his now ex-wife. He said she wasnt' into it and it used to really bum him out. This is when I really lost it. Thing is.. I AM! I've gone on rides with him and even expressed interest in buying my own bike lately!! He could tell something was bothering me. I said I was confused. You wish your wife had been into it, yet *I* am, and yet you don't want me there. He said "It's a guy thing. We've been going for 15 years and usually bring our sons. It's a grease monkey's dream. I didn't think you'd be interested." I told him I know what the events are like from a guy I used to work with who used to go plus I've seen lots of pics. I know it's wild and there are all kinds of scantily clad women around.

He said he's never hooked up and they just go to see the races and the interesting slice of Americana. He finally said "Well come with us! I'd be tickled to have you on the back of my bike!" "No. You're just inviting me to placate me now.. plus I don't want to infirnge on guy time." "I'm not even sure yet I'm going with everythign going on with work let alone the weather might be bad!" he said.

He didnt' end up going. I don't know if I was a big part of the reason. I don't think so. He has his own business and was trying to set up work all week and weekend.

[Gigabitch]

He said he's never hooked up and they just go to see the races and the interesting slice of Americana. He finally said "Well come with us! I'd be tickled to have you on the back of my bike!" "No. You're just inviting me to placate me now.. plus I don't want to infirnge on guy time." "I'm not even sure yet I'm going with everythign going on with work let alone the weather might be bad!" he said.

Sour girl! You're cracking me up. I just turned 38, btw. I want to more fully understand your decision to not have children. Are you sure about this? Is it a definite no for you?

[nebulachic]

Funny you should mention that. A few weeks before he asked me that same question again. I have never been too interested in having kids. I like kids but not sure I want one of my own. I was honest with him and said "Like I said before, I've never had a strong maternal thing, but in all honesty I suppose if I developed one I would pursue it."

He thinks the fact I am dying to live together is because of my biological clock. This really bugs me because it's NOT TRUE. I want to live with him because I am in love/love him and want to have some kind of life with him. I even told him the other day.. "Listen it doesnt' mean it would last more than 6 months necessarily!" He seems to think I want a traditional life. I don't.. I JUST WANT TO BE WITH HIM!!! I wish he would get that thru his thick skull!!!! I want to go to sleep and wake up with him until I get bored of him (1/2 joking BTW). A few years ago I was in a realtionship and so BUGGED by the guy that I came to the conclusion I might never want to live in the same house with someone ever again. I am the FIRST person to say not all marriages should last.

[Gigabitch]

In the last few months, everything you've posted about him has led me to conclude that he is not available. Maybe it's just who he is, or it's just shitty timing, but I just see you trying so hard to make something of this relationship, and it's just going nowhere.

You must be beathing your head against a wall by now.

[nebulachic]

It hasn't been easy. BUT he told me earlier this month he is glad he is going to be more available to emotionally when things FINALLY get settled in July. Then he said we can determine if we are compatible.. which he already gave some very positive feedback about last weekend. We did a lot of athletic things he enjoys including a kayak trip that I didn't freak out when he lost his car keys when he took a spill and we ended up having to take a cab. He said he loved that I just took it all with a grain of salt and can be spontaneous which is something I love about him too.

[Gigabitch]

You don't have to convince me you're worthy of him. I'm just not convinced he's worthy of you. I think he's got a lot of making up to do in July.

[nebulachic]

You're absolutely right! God I sound pathetic don't I?? It's funny.. when I first met him even early on I knew almost right away we could be very good together. Well he said the same too. He is a sweet man all-in-all... everyone who's met him agrees. He is one the kindest, most well-meaning, honest and sincerest people I've ever met. The only negative thing is he can be a little flirty.. but I'm learning how to call him on it.

What kinds of thing do you think he should do to make up to me?

[Gigabitch]

Pink taco buffet to begin with.

Then... many rides on the back of his bike. Also, I think he should buy you one. Also, a little massage wouldn't be out of order....

[nebulachic]

He never denies a buffet request

"buy you one"... That would be nice!

Massage.... ironically, I got him a pro one ($80) and a clip-on reading light ($15) for his birthday. He got me a funny book (not even sure if it was new: $7-17) and Godiva chocolates ($20) for mine. Our birthdays are a week apart.

:-(

[Gigabitch]

I thought one of the benefits of going with an older man was that they were better at giving / affording nice gifts.

Shit, with this kind of crap, you could be with a hot 23-year old lifeguard.

[nebulachic]

LOL!!! Considering it!!!!!!!