Divorce? What's she thinking?

[WW67209]

Hello, I caught this forum and thought I could get some possible help regarding my situation with my wife. We have been married almost 2 years, and almost 3 months ago, after my birthday, we had a small spat that she literally took off with to finish things. I'm not sure what happened, but it seemed like in an instant she just turned off. She stopped giving me affection. When I'd hug her she'd just stand there, limp, arms limp by her side, when I'd kiss her she'd turn her head away. Sleeping at night was bad, she'd never hold me back when I held her. This went on for a few weeks then she came up and said she was moving out for a "trial" separation.

Well, fast forward to now, and I am almost 100% certain she is seeing another man. I have tried everything to win her back, going to counseling myself, talking with my family about issues we had about my family. Practically everything I did wrong I have made right. Now in turn though, she still calls and tells me she loves me, even tonight I just called to ask flat out, do you love me? Yes, was her reply. However when I hung up the phone and I told her I love you, she just said "bye". This has been going on for some time now, (her lack of saying i love you back or anything). I have called her balling, crying my eyes out and there was a time when she loved that part of me, that I could be so emotional. Now instead, she tells me she wants off the phone and not to listen to my whiny ass. I don't know what to think. She hasn't called to inquire about reconcilling our differences, and when I ask if she wants a divorce, all she says is "I don't know".

She has gotten her own place, and insists that I stay away from her. There's a new man she's been calling over and over, and when I do call her, he'll be there with her at all hours of the night, day, morning, you name it, he's there, even going to family functions. At this point, most all of you are probably thinking yeah, it's over with, move on. But this hasn't been just "ok, I'll move on". I get the feeling every now and then by talking with her that things may turn around. That she may come back and apologize and want to make things right again. Despite our differences, I know I love her, and I could forgive her for everything if she just came back. The reason I feel this way? A couple days ago, she called me in the evening, after I avoided calling her or msging her for 2 days straight. She called to ask how I was doing, how my dogs were doing, then sat there in silence. She didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. I eventually tried talking about what I was doing at the house to finish the renovations she and I had started. She just sat there, still in silence. I asked if she was ok, and she said "no, I'm not ok". I know it's for financial reasons that she's having problems, but she's not asking for money. I couldn't help but to feel as though she was reaching out to me in her silence (literally 3 - 4 minutes at a time of dead silence). I ket the feeling she wants to say "I'm so sorry, lets get back together". But then her ego gets in the way, and yes, she is a very VERY arrogant person. She's 22, I'm 31, and she does have some maturing to do.

So, at this point, I have to ask, what could I say or do to get her to change her mind? I know she's on the verge of getting evicted from her house, and is late on all her bills. I try to avoid calling her for as long as possible, but still the pain is so intense, and I get so incredibly lonely at home (even with the dogs). I have very VERY few friends, as our marriage basically lost them all. Can anybody lend some very strong advice on what to do to win her back? I've tried cards, gifts, tears (yes, genuine), and even trying to leave her alone to get her to call me instead... does that even work?

[blacksun]

Yeah dude, i know young ass can be very tempting but I totaly cant see this working out. Id go get the divorce papers worked out ASAP and just leave it at that. You are probably very lonely and desprate and thats messing with your head. Take a step back and reread you own post and pertend that its about someone else. Youve exausted all your avenues and now you think you have a chance to get back togheter with her cause she needs money. She dosent love you anymore and the sooner you realize that and take the next step the happier you will be. Cut your losses finalize a divorce and get you life back on track. Oh and work on rebuilding those freindships, the fact that you were loosing friends over this should have been a huge warning to you back when. But the relationship thats FUBAR and its not salvagable cause you cant make someone love you and she obviously dosent.

[Ellynn]

It sounds like she made a choice. A relationship is a two way street and it doesn't work if only one person is doing all the work. She seems disinterested in patching things up. She might be running into financial difficulties, but that is her problem. She chose to leave you and run around with some other guy.

I know you love her and miss her alot, but honestly, do you really think things are gonna change back to how they once were? Too much damage has been done, and I think shes regretting getting married so young and now wants to do her own thing. You have to let her. She has alot of growing up to do. Its not fair for you to have to put your life in limbo because of her selfishness.

I wish I could tell you what to do or what to say to have her come back to you, but honestly you tried it all pretty much, and theres really nothing more you can do. Its up to her, and if she doesn't want to, you can't force her.

[WW67209]

I wish I could tell you what to do or what to say to have her come back to you, but honestly you tried it all pretty much, and theres really nothing more you can do. Its up to her, and if she doesn't want to, you can't force her.

I know this, which is why I've been wondering if leaving her alone in total silence will make her wake up and think "Hey, he really doesn't need me after all" and come chasing after me again... atleast that's what everybody else had been trying to get me to do.

[blue toxin]

Quite honestly, I would of done EVERY SAME THING you've done until this point. But if I were in your position now, I'd say it's time to stop being so nice. Start a general conversation with her, and then ask her bluntly if she's coming home. If she doesn't, inform her that she can pick up her shit in the front yard later that evening. This would be hard to do, but maybe it's time.

You sound like a great guy. Don't let this get you down. I'm not trying to be nosey but I'm curious to know whether you two work things out or if you part ways.

[WW67209]

Quite honestly, I would of done EVERY SAME THING you've done until this point. But if I were in your position now, I'd say it's time to stop being so nice. Start a general conversation with her, and then ask her bluntly if she's coming home. If she doesn't, inform her that she can pick up her shit in the front yard later that evening. This would be hard to do, but maybe it's time.

You sound like a great guy. Don't let this get you down. I'm not trying to be nosey but I'm curious to know whether you two work things out or if you part ways.

I guess I want so badly to have somebody tell me yeah, this or that would work, but everybody here and in person tells me the same, it's over with. It sucks hearing that when you're being led on to believe something different or certain things she says or ways she says them makes you think otherwise.

I'm 31, not ugly or anything, I mean... I've had NUMEROUS girls smiling at me the past few weeks, but I have stood my ground not to even go there yet. I got married when I was 29, and thought it would be for life. I guess loving her so badly has put me in a position that makes me want to make everything right again, even if she is totally in the wrong. As though I love her so much, and have so much to give her, that I want to be the one person in her life that honestly makes an effort to never give up and stay there when everybody else gives up.

Regarding who did what, let's put it this way, 100% of my family agrees with my position, and nearly 50% of her family agree with me as well. She's torn her family apart with what she's done, and made a mess of her life in every single way. She's on the verge of being evicted from her new pleasure house or whatever you call it, and though I've offered to help her, she hasn't come forward to accept my help yet. (I offered to pay all her bills for her IF she'd go to counseling with me, and honestly work on the issues between us that caused our breakup).

This started several months ago when her mother of all people invited her out to a bar with her step dad. After a few weekends of this (I don't care for bars and didn't go, or was working) the weekends changed to weekdays, then the calls started from all types of people, and msging on her phone was out of control. Last month there were 1,650 IM's on her phone... to my 50. She knows deep down that what she's doing is wrong, yet has only arrogantly apologized for it once (ya know, the way a 12 yr old snaps at his mom or dad...)

At this point, my only hope is that she'll wake up and say "I'm sorry". I've heard her family is eager to take me for everything I have, though they don't have anything, literally. She can't even afford to put gas in her tank to go look for a job, and is behind on all her bills. When I inquired about seriously getting a divorce, she told me if she wanted one that I would find out. So, I've taken the steps necessary to protect myself. I'm hoping my next call to my attorney will be to cancel, not serve. I'm not so certain that he's seen many men come in and literally break down crying when signing papers like that.

I'm not looking to be admired for continuing this, my love is strong, but even stronger yet is my unselfishness to not want to up and say "OH YEAH!! FREEDOM!". We didnt' always get along great, but were raised in 2 totally different environments, and now the way we were raised is conflicting, big time.

[blue toxin]

Wow. With every word of text that I read on the screen from you it almost angers me, because you seem like such a great guy and you don't deserve what you're going through, but your love and dedication just continues to keep pushing.

It's really sad to see this happen. And it's very sad on her part she can't even afford gas to look for a job. She definitely sounds immature and maybe even a bit irresponsible.

This doesn't have much to do with the story, but I'd like to share a little story sort of similar to your's, but not nearly as serious. Well, (names have been changed), my girlfriend Ashley and I have been together for a long time. Her sister, Emma, dated this guy named Adam for 3 years. He was a great guy, and we thought he deserved so much more because my gf's sister isn't a very encouraging "from the bottom of her heart" type of person. In the end, she ended up cheating on him for some asshole named Jake. Well, Jake and Emma are still together, and me, Ashley, and Adam are still friends. What's interesting is, even after TWO years of being split from Emma, Adam is still 100% more welcome in Ashley/Emma's house than Jake is. The family just loved him so much, and Emma just made a stupidass move. In relation to your situation, Adam is you.

Do what you can to maintain the relationships you have with her family. They are different people and apart from this situation, so you should try your best to keep those relationships strong even if you and her eventually split.

Keep your eyes open, though. If she does come back and sincerely wants to go to counseling, I'd still be a little weery for a while. She may realize that copping out and going that route is her only means of financial survival.

It's a shame this happened to you. I wish you the best, and hope (again don't mean to be nosey) that you keep us posted on any other changes.

Hang in there.

[WW67209]

Hmm... news as of today??? wow.. where do I start with this woman?

Well, to start off with, I guess I should inform everybody here that she has yet to take ANY blame at all for anything. But this isn't anything new. Her mom, step dad, and everybody she associates with has an excuse for everything that happens in their life. Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING is always 100% somebody else's fault, all evictions, bankruptcies, cars being repossed, everything. So, sdch is our splitting up. I didn't want to go to the bars with her. I could see nothing to gain for our marriage by going to a damn bar. As a result, her mom started inviting her out... every weekend. Well, she'd stay out till 2 or 3, sometimes 4:30am then come home, climb in bed and not want me to hold her. From there, she met a man who of all people her own family introduced her to. She started talking with him, and eventually after a while she started coming home from work at 5pm, take a shower (was tanning also), shaved her legs, her pussy, everything was sparkling perfect. Her phone would ring, and I'd ask "who's that?" and she'd tell me it was none of my business. She'd get in her car, leave and not come home till around 1 or 2am (on work nights). This went on even when I was at work and she would NEVER tell me where she was going, just that she was going to "a friends".

Well, fast forward, to now... she moved out, and I KNOW she's been seeing this stupid a**hole from the bar her mom introduced her to. He was at her families get together for the 4th of July, he is at her house at 2:30 in the morning, he's at her house when I called and woke her up, and when I had an argument with her a couple weeks ago, he was in the background cussing me out.. BAD! Not like a "friend", but rather as a possessive lover who wanted me OUT of her life. When I confronted her about this, her reply is that it's all my fault for not going out to the bar with her and that she needs friends. Not married friends, but single men as friends. She is about to fall flat on her face financially as her little love shack is behind on rent and all her utilities have been given shut off notices.

It's funny, even with all her financial problems, she still insists emphatically that she's being faithful. She tells me how her brother hates her, her family is torn apart, and my family hates her for cheating on me with this new guy. So, I offered her a chance to vindicate herself and PROVE to me once and for all that her word was true. I offered her to pay all her rent, all her utilities and catch up ALL her bills in return for 1 thing. And it wasn't much. We had gotten together to work on an insurance issue about a block from her house. Since we were so close to her "place away from me" I thought I'd make an offer to her. All I asked was to be allowed to come over to her house and stick my head in the door for 1 minute and SEE that she was indeed living alone. She refused to let me do it though, telling me she had to go help her mom and that my offer was a blackmail. So, I got in my car, and she got in hers, and instead of driving back to her moms as she said she was gonna do she drove to her house. So, anyways, when I called her on it, she hung up on me, and still insists she's being faithful.

Beyond that though, I have driven by her house 2 times, and in those 2 times in 3 months I kept seeing a van in front of her house. So, I asked who it belonged to, if it was the guy she was seeing or not. She said she had no idea who's van it was, the damn thing looked like the mystery machine, an old beat up dodge van that was about to fall apart. So... when I came out and just accused her of having his van parked in front of her house, some of her family called and made some very wild accusations that I was stalking her and had paid a private eye to watch her. LOL, the only thing is though, I haven't. I only put 2 and 2 together and said what was clearly obvious. And for that, I wasn't told "no, that isn't true", but rather was accused of stalking her (I mean... how else was I to know who's van that was?)

Well, today I told her I wanted her to make a decision. I told her I was going to file for divorce tomorrow, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. She got very beligerant and told me I wasn't allowed to file on her (even though I already have, I just have to serve the papers to her). So... anyways, I gave her till 8am tomorrow morning to tell me she does NOT want a divorce. Otherwise I'm serving the papers to her and she'll learn just how serious I am. I'm not looking to screw her over, but I am wanting her to feel a little bit of misery for all the shit she's done to me and behind my back flirting with other men at bars and all that stuff.

Funny thing is, she still doesn't see anything wrong with going to bars all the time, even without her husband. She doesn't see anything with chatting with men on yahoo telling them "If I knew when my husband was home, we could get together"... (keyloggers are a bitch)... THAT is NOT her fault. And still she sees nothing wrong with what she did. Chats involving rubbing up naked with other men, not just the guys hitting on her, but her replying, "maybe! " then even a second time the guy asks... are you sure? and she still replies "just maybe! ;

so.. anyways, I'm not totally without blame either. AFTER all this came out, she found out about a bunch of porn on my computer. Even though I had been faithful to her 100%, she used the porn to her advantage. So that now she doesn't bring much up about why she decided to stop loving me, but rather just tells me I'm a sex addict. I mean... I'm sorry that my wife treated my cum like battery acid and wouldn't kiss me for weeks on end or make love to me for more than 2 minutes a week with nothing but complaints... (sheesh the stories I could tell)...

anyways.. I'm rambling on now.. lol.... such is the update for now...

[bluesummer]

I can't believe I'm about to say this to the SECOND person in a week on this forum:

DIVORCE HER.


I'm not a big advocate of divorce, but your wife has NO respect for you or your relationship. Get out while you're still relatively young and can find someone who won't treat you like this. Honestly........tell her she's free to go drinking at bars with any guys she wants to. That's her big goal in life? Who are you to stand in her way, right?

Do yourself a huge favor and move on.......she's clearly not suited for marriage right now.

[vashti]

I guess I will take a slightly different view of this: I don't really consider it villainous for a 22 year old to act like a 22 year old. This girl is too young to be tied down. You never should have married someone so young - they haven't the slightest idea of what they want (or need) in the long term.

[WW67209]

You never should have married someone so young - they haven't the slightest idea of what they want (or need) in the long term.

I'm sorry, but I've heard every single excuse for why we shouldn't be together. And ya know, each time, it's my fault. I shouldn't have married somebody so young. And her? She's just... well, it was just a show? Apparently so, she's sleeping with another man now, and ya know what? It's my fault that I didn't go to the bar that she's with him!

Her ex beat her constantly. He physically abused her, gave her black eyes, broken collar bones, amongst other worse things I won't mention here. Yet, looking back, he was with her longer than I was. So apparently he knew something I didn't, that being that she had to be with a controlling, abusive, possesive, demanding, emotionally bashing man in order to keep her faithful. I gave her her freedom she wanted, I didn't control her, or make demands of her. I didn't abuse her, or hit her, or call her a bitch or slut, even as she demanded 100% privacy of every phone conversation and discussion she was having. At the bar, she was supposedly going out with her mom and stepdad (which her mom insists she was), however they also introduced her to her new **** buddy as well. Now she doesn't even care if I'm alive or dead, and treats me as though I never even existed in her life, and all I get from her family, and even you vashti is that it's MY fault.

[Gigabitch]

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Where is the voice in you that says, "This is messed up and I want no part of it."?

What are you waiting for, that call from Jerry Springer? Are you a drama addict? Have some freakin' self respect and WALK AWAY.

[vashti]

I'm sorry, but I've heard every single excuse for why we shouldn't be together. And ya know, each time, it's my fault. I shouldn't have married somebody so young. And her? She's just... well, it was just a show? Apparently so, she's sleeping with another man now, and ya know what? It's my fault that I didn't go to the bar that she's with him! [...]

Now she doesn't even care if I'm alive or dead, and treats me as though I never even existed in her life, and all I get from her family, and even you vashti is that it's MY fault.

Ugh. Not another guy who wants to appear as the 100% saint while his girl looks like the 100% sinner.

You know, I DO hold you somewhat more responsible for the whole marriage thing because you are 31, and she was barely out of teenage-hood. Now, she is acting like a bratty 22 year old. That's why 22 year olds shouldn't be married.

Why don't you just admit you made a mistake, learn from it, and move on?

[WW67209]

Well, I do admit that I made a mistake. As of the day she walked out she was a completely changed person, not at all like the girl I married (at all). I've never understood it, but she expects to walk away and that I'm supposed to not be hurt or upset about it. Every conversation with her, with me being calm and just calling to say "hi", or calling to tell her about mail she recieved, or even just asking her if I could buy her dinner is met with more hostility, hatred, bitterness and to be honest, it's almost like she's been possessed by a demon or something. Laugh if you want, but that's seriously what I think.

I don't hold her age as a factor as much as those around her that influenced her to do the things she was doing. She left me to shack up with a guy that's 34 years old. 3 yrs older than myself, and he even has a 13 yr old daughter that is taller than my wife is! This was an individual her family introduced her to and is proud of him! I'm at peace with it though. He's a loser, was almost arrested for not paying child support and has no job, and the only decent vehicle they have is one she took away from me and is now demanding I sign over to her. They are about to be evicted from their love shack and are behind on all their bills. My wife has a tough road ahead of her and now it's becoming even harder as she refuses to get her divorce papers served to her (is running from them). Not to mention that bills for her continue to come to the house and she acts as though she doesn't have to do anything at all with them.

And to you Gigabitch, you ask if I'm a drama addict? No... I'm not. I guess I genuinely loved her. And for loving her, I can tell everybody here that I DO sleep well at night because I know I did all I could to try and save the marriage and let her know I loved her. Even little gifts I gave her, letters I wrote her were treated like trash.... *sigh* But to you and vashti both, I have to say that she's dead to me now. Not that I don't love her, but rather as I said before, the girl I married is not there anymore. I haven't had a decent civil conversation with her since about 5 days after my birthday in the middle of April. And she hasn't said one single thing positive about getting back together, or shown one bit of concern about my welfare at all since that day.

[Gigabitch]

She wants the car signed over, you want the divorce papers signed....

Hmmmm.....