Believe It or Not, I Don't Have a Black Heart

[Junket]

I'm not actually asking for advice.

This is more of a rant of sorts, I'm in that phase of "I want people to know what I'm goin' through." We've all been there.

Anyway, towards the point.

As some of you know I went through a volunteer program for 10 months called AmeriCorps*National Civilian Community Corps (NCCC), which I've just recently gotten back from. You travel around with a team of other 18-24 year olds performing service, anything from environmnetal work, to education, to disaster relief.

Well my team was made up of 3 guys (including myself) and 6 girls. Naturally when you're couped up with the same girls, there's gonna be some sexual tension and whatnot. However, in the beginning of the year we were warned of something called "teamcest", dating amongst the team, can make things awkward for obvious reasons, there's no choice in leaving your team, you're stuck with them regardless.

Well, towards the end of the year I was really crushin' on one of my team mates, despite everything about it being completely illogical. I was really startin' to get a bad case of heartache. 'Cause I knew for one, this behavior was looked down upon by the team, and expressing my feelings for this girl could make co-existence very awkward. The other thing was...well let me explain (sorry this is still goin').

I'm a very direct and sarcastic 20 year old guy from Philly who views many Chrisitians with a prejudice eye.

Ironically, I've fallen for a mild, reserved 24 year old born again Christian from a small town in Texas. Hell she's even taller than me, superficial I know but I just never thought I'd consider any girl taller than me, or think a girl would consider me, being shorter.

From the start, everything about it screamed illogical and irrational. But I felt that if I didn't say somethin' I'd regret it. We'd been talking a lot more on our last project, goin' on walks and such. 'Till one night I got the balls enough to express to her how I felt with a kiss on the cheek. Lucky for me, the feelings were mutual. For the next 2 weeks we hung out constantly, made out and cuddled in my dorm room every chance we got. Never officially telling the team about us. But they're no idiots, I'm sure they knew what was up. I mean, come on, Amy and Choi ran off a 11pm and didn't show up until 5am...again?

Well now that the program is over, she's back in Texas, and I'm up here in Philly. I'm doin' another AmeriCorps program and she's goin' back down to volunteer in New Orleans with another one of my teammates for the next 6 months. We still talk on the phone, she and my team mate intend on traveling up this way after their term is done in January.

I'm just stuck in this rut. I keep tellin' myself that I have nothing to be committed to. We knew from the start that everything about the relationship was destined to come to a screeching halt when the end of our year came. But...just, damn it y'know? It just irritates me, the attraction, the mutual attraction is there, but it's just that we're both in different times in our lives.

I'm not asking for advice. I know what I should do. It's just, god damn it. Damn it all!

Thanks for reading this if you've gotten this far. And if you didn't, I don't blame you, I hate long threads too.

Heh, I feel like I've slandered my reputation of being a cynical, sarcastic, heartless cocksucker.

[blue]

Good morning,

im not suprised, you met some one you can hang with relate with and i wont repeat all the things you said up there. my thoughts are..... good for you. it was cool!

[Gigabitch]

Fras, I think you may have messed up somehow in your presentation of yourself. I've been around here since February, and while you and I haven't really had any conversations per se, I have seen your posts in various threads. The thing is, you never came off as being black-hearted in the slightest.

What kind of a cynic volunteers for Americorps? Please produce evidence of this alleged heartlessness.

[King Zarathu]

Yeah, I read through the whole thing, and I can definitely relate right now. That online chick--well, I decided to get over myself and [insert long story and bullshit here] and we're back together again. Thing is, where is that relationship going to go? Mutual attraction, but... ugh..... We both know we would only be able to see each other very rarely during the years... it's just pointless.

My suggestion: get over it while you can. I am EXTREMELY prejudice when it comes to Christians as well, and I did the whole Texan blonde chick (Jordyn) 5'8" Christian female (that disgusts me)..let me tell ya, it'll only lead to trouble. Eventually, even though she might say it doesn't bother her, religion is going to hit you further down the road...Wait, her religion is going to hit you further down the road (****ing Christians).

So yeah.. it's an unhealthy ordeal, in my opinion, and that's that.

Also--you didn't come off as having a black heart, just sarcastic, but sarcasm is ****ing awesome. That's why my site's domain name is TheSarcasm.com

[Junket]

What kind of a cynic volunteers for Americorps?

You'd be surprised actually...I was.

[misombra]

ah my little frizz is growing up.

[anhmaimaiyeuvn]

Frasbee,

I haven't had the experience or the opportunity to date a girl but if I did I'd like a long term relationship. I guess this has nothing related to your thread, but I just want to say that you have guts man and that's good! like they said, if there's "No pain" there's "no gain"

[Junket]

Frasbee,

I haven't had the experience or the opportunity to date a girl but if I did I'd like a long term relationship. I guess this has nothing related to your thread, but I just want to say that you have guts man and that's good! like they said, if there's "No pain" there's "no gain"

I don't know how old you are.

But I know what it's like to live in those shoes.

I've lived most of my life trying to learn from other peoples mistakes, being deathly afraid of making my own.

Up until that point I could always think of reasons not to ask a girl out. For every one reason I could think of to take the risk, I could think of 5 not to. I was trying to be logical, always rationalizing why it was a waste of time. Ironically, it got to the point that I realized, I was actually being completely irrational. That however, was the first time I ever felt so sure about something. I just had to do it, I was sick of living in denial.

Don't be fooled, I didn't just go and take the plunge. I had been talkin' to her a lot before hand, and keep in mind I was living with her (and the other 7 people) for 9 months 24/7, so I already knew her pretty well. In my conversations with her I just kept asking certain questions to see if I might've had a chance, flirted with her constantly until I couldn't bear it any longer and went for it.

That took me 9 months.

I'm still tryin' to work out the kinks of just spontaneously approaching girls.

I'd like to get out there and explore, but naturally seein' this is the first girl I've ever gotten intimate with, it's difficult. Part of me wants to just wait it out, the logical part of me wants me to just let it all go and start exploring, and the other hopeless part of me wants to explore just to reassure myself that she's worth coming back to.

I knew this would happen.

I tried not to get attached in the beginning.

Was doin' pretty good up until she approached me (we tried cutting it off) and told me she really liked me.

Mistake? Nah, I don't regret it in the least, but it's definitely an emotional obstacle I've yet to overcome.

[vashti]

Damn these rites of passage! So sad, the first cut really IS the deepest. It was bound to happen Frasbee. I've seen pictures of this girl Amy. She looks like a good girl. *hugs*

[Tiay]

aw, Fras.. that was nice. It's good to see the non-black-heart you. I hope things improve for you, I really do.

I still don't understand why you all think long distance relationships are so un-doable.. but eh, it's your own choice.

as for christians, did I ever mention that i'm not only an atheist, but I'm not even baptized?

[Junket]

aw, Fras.. that was nice. It's good to see the non-black-heart you. I hope things improve for you, I really do.

I still don't understand why you all think long distance relationships are so un-doable.. but eh, it's your own choice.

as for christians, did I ever mention that i'm not only an atheist, but I'm not even baptized?

It's not that they're "un-doable", but they're just a huge risk. I mean, for one it can be difficult for some to stay emotionally interested in another person that you never see on a day to day basis, week to week, or even month to month. To invest so much time into...I don't want to say "nothing" but it's damn close to it, and more likely than not one or both parties will lose interest and seek something closer to home. (logical Anthony steppin' up here)

Is that how I feel right now? No of course not, I feel like a complete hopeless romantic, but unfortunately the world is more cruel towards those types.

And to your other statements.

I was baptized, took communion and confirmed Catholic.

None of which were by choice, so I became quite resentful of Christians.

My views have been altered since, but I still hold certain prejudices.

My belief in God? Usually depends upon the day.

[Tiay]

It's not that they're "un-doable", but they're just a huge risk. I mean, for one it can be difficult for some to stay emotionally interested in another person that you never see on a day to day basis, week to week, or even month to month. To invest so much time into...I don't want to say "nothing" but it's damn close to it, and more likely than not one or both parties will lose interest and seek something closer to home. (logical Anthony steppin' up here)

I think it's very much a matter of choice. I've been in a long distance relationship si-- wtf.. a spider just lowered itself down gradually over my monitor.. that's just weird.. But anyway, LD since Aug 2004. visited each other 4 times, each time for round about a week. Just so you know, we're both (if I say so myself) attractive people with access to potential partners in our own areas. It's certainly not for everybody. In fact, I think most people would hate that situation. I'm happy, I don't think i'm 'investing' time for a pay-off later, i'm already having a great time! But that's just me

IMy belief in God? Usually depends upon the day.

doesn't that in itself disprove it?

[TAVS]

Thanks for using bold sentences; It helped to keep my interest.
Bummer dude

[Junket]

doesn't that in itself disprove it?

Well, the way I see it, the concept of God is there for when I need it. I won't deny that sometimes when I'm in certain situations and begin to feel hopeless I'll resort to the idea of God. It's comforting. It/he serves his purpose to me in that way. I mean I figure, if it can get me through the day, why not?

Thanks for using bold sentences; It helped to keep my interest.

C'mon man, I think you should know me a bit better, I'm the one always lecturing the new wanks to use paragraph seperation, keep 'em short, or make bold the highlights of their post.

I like to lead by example.

I mean, if people want us to read their posts and give them advice, damn it, the least they can do is make it easy for us.

[sachi]

Two interesting things:

1. You are EXACTLY 1 year younger than me

2. I'm a pretty reserved born-again-Christian who is with an opinionated and cynical guy. I'm guessing it's a common pairing? =P I'm sure your girl is more true to her faith - I haven't been able to keep to that 'abstinence' thing. Fortunately we live 8 blocks away from each other, not in different states