Hurting Horribly!!!

[Princessunloved]

I am going to come across like a prat but here goes.

I am female live in the Uk. I am a widow and a mum to one son he is 7.

I am someone who needs a lot of love not much else just love.

My husband committed suicide three years ago. He adored and gave me what I needed. He just got sick.

I got involved with another man much to soon he spent all my money and then knocked me about, finally he ran off with a single mum with 2 kids. This man was my crutch

Finally I met my happy ever after this man was not a crutch he was like my husband enough to be my type but different. The problem he had/has is his soon to be X wife one day she walked out. Broke his heart and he is to afraid to love. He is not perfect he gets jealous and we argued but he is a military man.

He first told me he loved me in passionate jealous temper. He found it difficult when I asked him to say he loved me. He sort of with drew it and I still believed he loved me when I tried to end it, he never wanted that. Anyway he had to go away with the military and we started to show cracks we used to spend so much time on the phone and e-mailing and suddenly we could not do these things. Anyway he told by phone its over. Luckily I spoke to his mum and although he never used that scary four letter L word she is not following. I think he is as unhappy as I am.

I have written him e-mails he ignored the first then replied to the second then ignored the last one.

"didnt mean to be rude and not reply, its just easier for the both of us if we get some distance between us before we try to be friends, if you understand what i mean."

I am looking at that in that if he needs distance there is something there. Its been 33 days now and only the above e-mail.

I know I believe this man is my happy ever after. I feel like I have lost limb. I was so desperate I phoned some psychics and they all have said he is for me but it won't be before September. I just don't know how to handle it.

Please tell me what to do. I am 28 and he is 32 and we're so right that we're wrong.

I can't face any more heart ache I have had so much, been through so much and I love him totally.

Love princess x x x

[Gigabitch]

Babe, where's the happily part of happily ever after, here? I read your post twice, and I just don't see it.

IMO, you're off-balance, and you're looking for someone to lean on. Quit flailing around for support and just STAND UP. There's help for people in your situation. Join a support group TODAY.

Psychics are bullshit. Don't waste one more minute of your time on them. I believe that some people are truly very intuitive, and can have amazing insight into what's going on with you, but no one can see the future. End of story.

Do you have any family, besides your kid? Could you, please, try to get some help? And could you, for one minute, try to see something beyond your own needs and be the grownup your son needs you to be?

Happily ever after isn't just something that happens to you. You have to get off your ass and do it, and it's not going to be easy with some asshole who doesn't like to use the four letter L-word.

You're a jerk magnet.

[King Zarathu]

Quit flailing around for support and just STAND UP.

Could you, please, try to get some help?

This could have been taken the wrong way. Specify from who, exactly, she needs to take/not take help or support.


Also, I agree with Gigabitch for the most part. Get off your ass and support yourself instead of setting yourself up for more heartache.

[thinker]

Heh. I would support the two comments above, just maybe say them in a nicer way!

You keep saying that this military guy is your happily ever after... the one... well, hon, haven't you felt that before?? Every one that comes along feels like "the one" until we find those cracks... I can completely sympathize with you that you need lots of love... and frankly an LDR (long distance relationship) will tear you apart. They really suck; more pain and struggle than it sounds like you can handle atm. And what do you mean when you said his "soon to be ex" is he still married??? EIther way,k sounds like YOU may be acting as HIS cructh... either way, the crutch relationships are not healthy at all. Once the limper regains composure they will be out like a shot because they don't need your ass anymore. Stop looking for a miracle man... there are tons of nice gentlemen out there who would never treat you like any of these guys. Sure, it's hard to learn to love again after a heartache. We all know that to varying degrees... but coming into a relationship with less than a whole self is just using the other person and is NOT love; you may think you NEED eachother, but not in a healthy and good way. YOU need to learn to live with YOU before you can be with anyone else. I would recommend taking a vacation from the dating scene for a while (year or so perhaps) until you come to terms with yourself and your wants/needs in a man before you start any more pity relationships where either you or your guy is using the other for confidence, reassurence, support, rather than a whole, sane person making the DECISION to love. Take some time and don't push anything that doenst fit naturally.

[Princessunloved]

As for soon to be X wife as I said she walked out on him 2 years and he did not want to be named or name her as the bad party its not his style.

Its a bit of a very long and strange story and I havent explained it properly but I am sure your right.

As for conselling I am over my husband it was a long time coming and I am glad he is at piece as for other men. Naw its better to have loved and lost and all that and this time I am down and out and I don't want a man. I just feel huge sadness that my best and only friend has gone and I feel alone (coz I am) I don't go out I havent been in a club since 2003 and well I am just one of thoes people who it all happens to. LOL stop the rollercoaster I want to get off now.

Princess x x x

[vashti]

Giga's post is dead-on. You need to start acting like a grown up. You are someone's mother, and your son needs you to act like one instead of investing all your emotions into a go-nowhere relationship. Your focus should be primarily on raising a healthy, emotionally balanced kid, and your own relationship desires should be very secondary.

Also, there is no such thing as "happily-ever-after", and psychics are bogus.

[Princessunloved]

I must say I object to what has been said. I am someone's mother yeah and I bring that child up well. He is well balanced Loved and Loving despite some of the things we have been through and obviously as you only know whats been said you can't imagine.

I don't have a life of my own I have not been out without my son in over a year now and I can count on my hands and toes how many times I have been out with out him in seven years.

As for raising a healthy child well actually the one of the reasons my husband commited suicide is because my boy is not healthy and never will be he has serious medical problems.

I am sorry that I wish some happiness I have no family and live in a bubble of my boy and I. I have two old friends who I can call for a giggle now and again they don't even live in the same country never mind location, the internet and my beautiful boy and thats it. No family, no community and I am afraid of my own shadow.

Thanks I feel worse than I did before.

[vashti]

If your boy is sick and you are alone, I can understand why you feel the need to connect to just anyone. You sound desperate. Why don't you do the support group thing giga suggested? That might satisfy your need for human connection in a more productive, healthy way.

[Princessunloved]

I think I have communicated this all wrong.

Yeah I am heart broken so it going to sound desperate. So what I will do is try and explain.

He went from this

"I really don’t understand how we both have such strong feelings for each other, but I do really have such strong feelings for you, my heart skips every time my phone beeps and I rush to check it to see if it’s a txt from you and also now I cant wit to check my emails to see if I have one from you. Its crazy how much we talk on the internet with other with skype, but I am missing not talking to you so very much, I really am hating to being able to talk with you as much as I want to.
I really do want to get up in the morning and give you a lovely passionate kiss and a great big hug.
I am falling for you so bloody much, I do hope everything is ok as you don’t seem very chatty today and I haven’t had many messages from you, which makes me worry a bit!!
Speak soon darling
L (L instead of love)
his name.

to having to go away when he does not have access to communication with me.

to this "its just easier for the both of us if we get some distance between us before we try to be friends, if you understand what i mean."

Now as I have said I know he has been treated badly everytime he has gone away he has been dumped so I think this is a defence mechanism. He sent me loads of e-cards for my birthday, flowers and a balloon and a card a month later he is saying that.

So in the time from the him leaving till he said it was over was 31 days I had 23 e-mails and 3 phone calls lasting 20 mins (remember he does not have constant access to communication) When he said it was over I tried to end the conversation he kept it going a normal man would have left it like that. I fired an e-mail straight away saying its ok I understand I will always be your friend he replied straight away ie he was sitting with his e-mail open. I think he was quite shocked I have not fought for him. I get the impression that this is about his insecurities and not me. I have no idea why I think this there is just something there. I know instinctively when he has access to a computer and he is never on at the same time, or for very long.

I know this must seem weird but there is something there I am sure. His X is a filing for divorce he has taken this as a personal failure...I am not sure if this has something to do with it. He is over her but not over the fact the marriage failed.

Look past what I have said on me. I don't need advice on my life I live it the way I want to. I need advice on how to treat him. I know in the depth of my soul this man loves me. I just need some help. I need to know how to handle the next eight weeks.

I know when he gets back I have my chance he is mine. Just need to know what to do.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Gigabitch]

Maybe you should be asking, "How can I continue this ****ed-up, codependent relationship?" Be clear.

Look, your ex didn't commit suicide because of your son's medical problems in any measure. He committed suicide because he was a freaking narcissist. What kind of a person checks out on a situation like that?

IMO, you're checking out too, love-junkie. None of us could possibly know what motivates Mr. Un-happily ever after, and it doesn't matter anyway, because the real issue here is that you're clearly miserable. You don't have to be miserable. You have the power of choice, here. There are decent, loving men in the world who don't get their knickers all twisted up about relationships.

Go find one.

[misombra]

some chicks are crazy.

[vashti]

I think you should just quit communicating with him. Aside from the fact that I doubt you are correct about the level of interest he has, I also think that if he is not even divorced yet, this relationship is a terrible idea.