Sick of it all......

[tamnmarc]

My bf and I have been together for 3 years now, and I am just tired of our whole relationship. We coexist in our condo that we bought last november and we have a dog together.

I swear if it weren't for that dog we wouldn't speak at all. Just a bit of info on us. I am 26 and he is 31. I am the oldest child (and therefore I enjoy having some sort of control) and I come from a happy family, his story is a bit sadder, as he was adopted, then abandoned and lived in foster care, no real parental guidance, no family support. As a result he has spent quite bit of time in jail (longest time was for 2 years) doing crap that he learned as a result of having no family influence and having to survive on his own.

I have gone to college and work in the medical field, I am fairly driven and motivated to do well. He lacks motivation and is helpless when it comes to doing things....he "just doesn't know what to do".......when it comes to a career, etc. He has been fired from 2 jobs, and has trouble finding one (he has no license). He never speaks positively about ANYTHING, it is always a bitch-fest about something every time he opens his mouth. To top it all off, he is constantly interrupting and does not listen........not in the stereotypical "men don't listen" he will ask me a question then immediately cut me off as I try to answer.

I guess I am just sick and tired of not being heard and always having to be the alpha of the house (I remodelled our kitchen, put in laminate floors, etc on my own), I take care of all of our stuff as I have a license and he is not eligible to get his back for another 4 months (he hasn't had it since we have been together).

I am to the point where I am just mean. I am so intolerant, and I have been saying things that are really cruel out of frustration. From his past he has learned how to get under people's skin........I am sure that even as I child he learned that bad attention is better than no attention at all.......and after 31 years he has it perfected. I know I am feeding it, but I can't stop myself I am just tired of it.

He isn't just a leech, he does try, but I think he lacks the capacity to really care about other people deep down. He wasn't socialized well, and it shows. I actually said to him that when he gets his license back we should think about going our seperate ways........we live like room-mates anyway, we could handle it for a few more months.....

Any advice, criticism, etc is welcome.......I have fed my fire of hate for too long that I just want out, it may not be the answer though......

[vashti]

Of course getting out is the answer. Why would you continue on in an unhappy relationship when you aren't even married? Can you imagine being tied to him forever after having kids? I think it is good to get out before it is too late.

By the way, you might want to work on your control issues, and choosing men who are stronger and more competent might allow you to relinquish some of that need to control.

[tamnmarc]

Is it wrong that these are the reasons I would want to stay with him....

-He literally has no one else

-It would be a bloody battle over our condo and dog.......to the point where I would get lawyers involved over the dog.......

-It is better -financially- for us to stay together.

-He isn't a bad person, he is just more or less a sociopath......

[vashti]

Do those look like good reasons to stay with someone? Would you want someone to stay with you for those reasons?

Maybe you would feel less guilty about leaving him if you left him the dog. Granted, I am not a big animal person which may make me a little callous about it, but it seems like you could easily find another dog to love.

[thinker]

I completely back vashti up. From the original post, I was like... and she is staying with this guy because...??? Sure, hypothetically every relationship can be saved, but it takes two people, and right now it is obvious that there is only one even concerned about it; you. You can make all the excuses in the world that you can think of to stay with him... he has noone else (well, duh) and frankly I believe that you are putting too much value on material things... the condo and your "financially-advantaged situation" there.... sorry about the dog, but they aren't people like you are! If you can honestly see no end to this frustration, then thank God you aren't married! This is why we date, to find good people and get away from people who make our lives miserable, which it sounds like your bf is doing. Again, make all the excuses and justifications and rationalizations you like about his past and his behavior/whatever, that does not change how he treats you, and right now he is treating you like your dog; well worse than your dog deserves to be treated. If you are unhappy and cannot find any way to rekindle that happiness and a real realtionship, then say goodbye. I really don't think you honestly 'want' to be there, just "sticking it out" as you said is a good way to waste precious moments of your life. I'm sorry things aren't working out, but there are pleeeenty of great single guys out there who will treat you like a human being. Follow your heart ultimately, but don't be blind with your head either! Best of luck with this.

[Gigabitch]

His past is not his fault, but his future is his responsibility.

Not yours.

Take the dog and go. No, wait. There is no way the guy you described helped you buy this condo.

Throw him out. Use nice, fluffy cashmere mittens to throw him out if you're worried about hurting his feelings, but HE MUST GO.

[dreamer101]

I wouldn't stay with someone for those reasons. If you stayed with him for those reasons for 3 years, then there is nothing much i can say except ... hope you make better decisions in the future. and from what you said he has always been like this so he hasn't changed on you, so there is no reason to hate him. so renoune the hatered would be my advice and then do what you have to do.

[SeventhStar]

It's probably the hardest thing to do, but you should do what is best for you even if that means not being with him anymore. You're at a difficult point because you've stuck by him for so long. However you deserve happiness with someone you love. Go out and find it

[Ellynn]

I know somewhat how you feel. Attracting losers that is.

You feel sorry for them, help them constantly, but no matter what they just never seem to get ahead. They just keep going backwards to square one.
Its a vicious cycle and honestly its not your job to change it. I know I used to think I could really help, but I learned the hard way and ended up getting cheated on and used in the process. Not fun.

My suggestion to you is that you have a good head on your shoulders when it comes to your career right? You basically own that condo right? Or at least you pay most of the bills etc right? You could live there alone possibly Im guessing. Or, you could get a roommate that you know who WOULD contribute.

Anyways, let him go. If you aren't even really happy with him, whats the point in staying with him? Like the others said, be happy your not married to him and stuck. Its a lot easier to get out of this situation now, then if you were. As for the dog, yeah thats gonna be the tough part. But, seeing as he can't really hold a job, I kinda doubt he would be able to care for it or be able to feed it properly. So, I would keep the dog.

See for me my dogs are like family to me. That is why I would NEVER get a dog with a bf. If I were to EVER get a pet mutually, I would at least be married. Because honestly THIS is what I would be afraid of. Plus my track record with relationships isn't the greatest so um, yeah.

Honestly, you can do better though. I know, as someone in the medical field myself, you have the caring, nurturing, and helping gene in you. But, you just can't save them all. Sucks, but its true.

[tamnmarc]

Crap.....I just wrote a long response and then when I went to send it, it disappeared.....grr

Anyway, thanks for the replys

To condense what I had just written......we talked about going our seperate ways last night. It went okay. He would be happy living the way we are now, as all he wants is someone there for him.....even if they treat him like crap. (I haven't been to nice to him.....and have even started calling him some awful things). But I think he also sees that we deserve better for ourselves.

What we decided was that we would live together until he gets his license back (November). This would give us some time to pay off some of the debt we have together......not much but we might as well take care of it together.....as we got it together. We also need to get our other car fixed mechanically, and he will take that. I will keep the condo and dog.......which is great as I have put SOOO much work into both.

We basically live like room-mates as it is.......so by nixing our "romantic" relationship, it might actually take some pressure off of both of us. I know that I feel a lot of my anger and resentment because he is not doing what I think MY boyfriend should do.....and he doesn't act like I think he should. If we aren't a couple then I really have no need to be upset over how he acts (unless it is towards me or something).

I know many of you might think that "sex" could get in the way.....but as it stands right now I can honestly count on one hand the amount of times we have had sex this year. No infidelity, just low sex drive that has come from his past, and spending so much time alone in jail. I have had a big problem with our sex life for our whole relationship as well. So if the pressure of "sex" is off our couple relationship.....then we might be able to just be people.......and who knows we will probably treat each other better.

When I think about it ......I would NEVER treat any family member or stranger the way I have treated him sometimes.......so it might be nice to step back and just act like "people" around each other.

[Ellynn]

Well if you can just live as roommates, I say more power to you. But, this may put a damper on you moving on. Just make sure he sticks to his word and gets out by november. Then at least you can move on and at least find someone worth your time.

But honestly, If I had a roommate who didn't do hardly anything at all to contribute, I would get pissed. So, even if you two aren't in a relationship, you still do have reasons to get mad. This could cause a problem. But as long as you you both stick to your plans, hopefully everything will work out ok.

Glad to hear he agreed to let you have the dog and the condo!

[vashti]

Uhh, why would he just GIVE you the condo? Did he not participate financially in the purchase?

This sounds fishy... (unless you meant that he would buy you out).

[Ellynn]

Uhh, why would he just GIVE you the condo? Did he not participate financially in the purchase?

This sounds fishy... (unless you meant that he would buy you out).

Yeah, good point Vashti.

Do YOU actually own the condo Tamnmarc? Or are both of your names on the mortgage?

[tamnmarc]

When we bought the condo, I used $8000 of my RRSP's as the downpayment (they are in my name only), and we pay $500 month for payments (we have also only had it for 8 months). My income was the only one used in the preparation of the mortgage.....so technically it is mine.....but legally I know it is not. I am also going to give him our second car (it is in my name at this point though), so perhaps that is the buyout. The other stuff will be split equally.

He is working and contributing to our bills, debt, etc. It has been difficult for him to find a quality, good paying job given his criminal record, lack of license, etc, but he has always contributed what he makes, though it hasn't been that much.

Perhaps it comes from guilt, but I feel bad just dumping him on his own. He is like a young child that just wants someone to care that he is alive. His life is not my responsibility, and I want better for myself, but I just want to make sure that he doesn't feel abandoned......everyone in his life has left him.....his birth parents.....his adoptive parents......he didn't stay with his foster parents for too long.
I couldn't imagine having no one to spend chistmas with, no one to care about you on holidays or birthdays, or any days in general. He truly just wants someone to trust and be there for him.....but all of the things he has done to cope and survive have really affected his relationship skills (or lack thereof), and I just can't deal with them in terms of a romantic relationship.

I really don't know if people can be friends after breaking up, maybe it is a myth.

[Ellynn]

Honestly, since you put down your money and the mortgage is in your name, legally and technically it is yours. Even though he lives there and does contribute some money to the monthly payment, it still is yours. Its about the same as you having a roommate that pays you rent to live there. So therefore it is like he is renting from you. So, there is no reason to feel guilty about that.

I know you feel bad for ditching him, but honestly since things aren't working out, its really not your responsibility to take care of him.

He is a grown man and he made stupid choices in the past by ending up in jail and spoiling any chance at a decent career. This is not your fault. I know plenty of people who have had it rough growing up and still managed to keep themselves out of trouble.

I mean you gave him a chance knowing his past history and you did all you could to make it work, but it just wasn't. That is credible. Now, its time to cut ties with him and move on.

I don't know if it is wise to be friends with an ex you were that close with. I am friends with a few of mine, but we don't like hang out or talk on a daily basis. I think time and distance to begin with is the wise way to go. Then in the future maybe just keeping a distant friendship would work.