He's just not that into you - is it true?

[lissa]

Basically this book tells you that if a guy wants you, he'll do everything he can to try to get with you. If he only calls once a week, he's just not that into you and you should stop bothering with him. If he doesn't seem to be putting a lot of effort into trying to hang out with you he's just not that into you. If he's into he'll want to see you all the time and will make every effort to contact you. If he doesn't you should leave him alone and move onto someone who is more "into you."

I feel like this does explain a lot, and it is a shame that we girls tend to chase a guy who doesn't care about us because we really really want it to work. But aren't there other reasons that you guys might have an attitude change about things, or any other reason that a guy might keep his distance?

I ask because the guy I've been hanging out with has just recently stopped being as responsive in the past few days (yes the 19 yr old "little boy" from my other post!). This happened just after we went out on Monday and had our first kiss. I'm thinking maybe he just didn't feel anything when we kissed and has changed his mind about the situation. I've talked to him online since, but his hasn't called and we haven't had any of the lovey dovey conversation we used to have. He usually texts me or sends me messages right when I go online but lately he's been putting up his away message and not paying as much attention to me.

But on the other hand he's always been kind of guarded. We'd be cuddling and when things got kind of intense he'd move away from me. But I'd act cool with him and soon enough things would be back to the way they were before. He's definitely the type that would sacrifice his own feelings just so he wouldn't end up looking stupid or getting hurt. I know how that can be because I'm sort of the same way.

So now I'm wondering - should I give him space? Does it sound like he has changed his mind about things and is just not that into me anymore? Or do you think he got a little freaked out when we kissed and is afraid to talk to me now? In that case, should I try to reassure him that everything is cool and hope he warms up again?

Guys - when you start acting like this with a girl - what does it usually mean?

[Venacava]

Yes, give him some space. He's either realised that he doesn't want what you want or there's always the possibility that he is dealing with more important things right now. You never know. I would definitely suggest giving him some space though, if he wants to spend some time with you then I'm sure he will let you know.

I think it is mostly true, if a guy likes you he will try to spend a lot of time with you. I've had that happen a lot and then if we break up or something happens - he stops spending time with me. I guess it's only human nature though, it's kind of obvious if a guy doesn't like you.

[lissa]

Thank you thank you thank you. I needed someone to tell me that. I'm not going to contact him, I'll just leave it alone. I can deal with things not working out with us, but I'd rather not make a fool of myself and end up looking pathetic in the process.

[GrkScorp]

Ahh yes.. "That's just what I wanted to hear!!!".. it must be the truth then right??

The book.. lol.. yeah.. about that blonde loser guy who started a rock band but it never worked out for him.. so he wrote a book using quick catch phrases and gimicks that catch desperate women that say YES!!! and.. "That's just what I wanted to hear!!!"... when they flip through the pages of his "book" as he generalizes men inaccuratly..

let me ask you this ok??? it's a rather fair question..

Have you called him yet?? If you are "INTO" a guy... do you make every effort to call him and ask him out on dates and to hang out???? Well??? Do you??? It's a fair question.... and the fair answer is NO!!!!

BUT!!! it's not because you're by any meaning of the term... "NOT INTO HIM"... it's because that's part of the implicit dating game... It's just following through with the proper customary rules of courting the other sex...

You don't want to give away the fact that you like him.. and want to wait for his signals first.... Guess what.. sit on a chair because this may come as a shock for most women... but..... MEN DO THIS TOO!!!!

Men know that once you know... you have "home field advantage"...

But obviously.. this book feeds the need for women to hear that.. unless the man spells it out for you.. rides in a white horse... and yells to the top of his lungs on how much you loves you and how much you mean to him...

Will this ever happen??? It does.. rather.. it did... Do you remember the guys in High School???

Guys: I (love/like) you
You: Eww.. I mean.. that's nice.. but let's just be friends.. And go find out if Kevin likes me at all.. please...!!! now that we're friends!!!

Yeah... but were you the one to date the honest and up-front chap???? Don't say no.. it wasn't really a question... The point is.. part of the reason you are interested in the man.. is because you are still dying to know how he feels about you... You activly find ways to dig deeper and find out more!!!

All that this guy's book is telling you is that... People you are attracted to are just not worth it... Wait for some guy to come up to you and confess his undying love for you...

Needless to say... this type of stuff doesn't happen... and if it does... it's not till later on in a relationship.... LATER LATER ON... I'm talking months...

Let me tell you... I've very quick to say I love you to someone... because I just can't hold the way I feel inside too long... BUT!!!!

The fastest time i've said "I love you in"... was after 1 month of dating... and then, after 1 month into the relationship... So, do yourself a favor... find the reciept... walk back to that bookstore quick and pray to god you can still return that cheap firewood for some of your money back!!!

[lissa]

AHHHH!!!! Stop confusing me! I want it to be simple!

Okay yes I get your point and I do think it's a good one, because as I was reading the book I was thinking "well thats true but I wonder if I'd really be attracted to the guy who called me all the time and I knew was totally into me and would do anything for me." I might indeed think he was pathetic.

But girls so very often make the mistake of annoying or bugging guys that just don't care about them or are stringing them along. And we don't deserve to be treated like that. And I'd like to do my best to avoid those situations.

[Venacava]

Well then, let him know that you're still interested and if he wants to hang out then he can let you know. It's hard not to cross the line of interested and obsessive/bugging.
So, as a guy...SOMEONE tell her how she's supposed to let him know that she's interested without pestering him.

[GrkScorp]

Well.. unfortunatly.. the only fail-safe way to tell... is to have a guy-friend-spy-snitch...

he's the guy who will go and talk to this guy of yours... and really find out his intentions...

I've done it all the time for some of my best girlfriends... (people that were just my friends, but girls.. not people i was going out with)..

other than that.. how can you even take the risk of throwing off a perfectly fine guy who you are hot for!!! because you take him to be a jerk...

that's like calling someone who grows out a beard and a mustache at the same time... a "terrorist"!!!

unfortunatly.. we as people... are advancing in a socially liberal society... where dating and competition for a better partner has lead to more complex and advanced dating methods... The good side... (Very few.. but typically better partners)... the Bad sides?? (Can you spell Divorce?? or Mind Games??)

Mind games are a common part of the dating game... more for women.. but increasingly more for men... Men who do not master to some degree these simple mind games (nevertheless the complex mind games).. will not stand a chance against others..

For some men, (Jerks).. these mind games come naturally... but for others, (Losers, Computer IT's, Nice guys).. they are left clueless about them.. and wonder why women do not find them attractive..

What happens??? Nice guys start to learn how to get women interested in them... this leads women into finding sexy, hot, attractive, NICE GUYS!!! the type that you can bring back home, and start a family with...

What also happens??? It's often hard now to tell the difference between the Nice Guys, and the Jerks... because both are using similar but not identical mind games...

YOU ALONE!!! have to be your first line of defence, and filter out the creme' de creme' from the crap de crap... Don't let your friends tell you who is right for you, don't let some people on loveforum tell you... and for sure, don't let some author who is trying to do whatever he can to market and sell his cheap firewood off as a "book" to you... tell you how to filter out the good from the bad...

[GrkScorp]

Well.. unless you are naturally the pestering type... then.. you really have to make an effort to pester a guy who you have a quasi-relationship with...

See.. if you call HIM back.. and ask him to meet up.. you have to be very casual about it... because.. the last thing you want to do.. is be very jumpy and eager about it... that would suggest to him that you want sex... and that is not what you want to suggest to him..

Call him up and say something like... "Hey!!, what's up stranger? did you switch over to a better company or do you still have verizon? because you still haven't called.. lol.. (be sure to laugh, it's a joke after all, you're not nagging him)"

Keep talking.. let him tell you how he's been.. do a little bit of catching up.. but don't forget to get strait to business... after the small talk is done with.. say something like... "ahh.. i found this great place in (you know the drill sister), but everyone i've been calling is so busy these days, and I thought, who do I know that's fun and knows how to show someone a good time... and well.. here we are.. (laugh again, show off that charm).."

Remember.. it's not a date.. but don't let him know.. let him ponder over it for a while... he won't be able to refuse.. do you know why??? Because guys don't do stuff on weekends!!! And if you ask him if he has any plans.. HE DOESN'T!!!

So.. go down and treat yourself to some lavish new sexy shoes, and a nice sash-style belt to go with that coach-bag-inspired outfit of yours girl... And soon.. you will set up the perfect setting for him to either start bringing out those "RED WARNING" player moves... OR.. to show you to a good time.. and possibly more!!!



TAG... You've been warned!

[vashti]

If the RIGHT guy wants you and calls you regularly, you won't mind. If it is the wrong guy, of course you will mind.

Lissa, if a guy REALLY likes you, you will know it. You will be able to see it in his face. Why should you need to resort to a bunch of game playing to convince a man to like you when love should be natural?

[Junket]

It's all bullshit.

I only call Ames once a week.

Doesn't mean I don't wanna call her more often.

But our schedules, hers especially is too hectic to do otherwise.

Throw your book in the trash.

Because it really doesn't explain anything.

[Gigabitch]

The only thing I got out of that book was this:

Busy is just another word for asshole. Asshole is just another word for the guy you're seeing.

I really needed to hear that last year, and it helped. That ugly blond dude had a point about the fact that a guy who is really into you is never too busy to call you.

[Junket]

That ugly blond dude had a point about the fact that a guy who is really into you is never too busy to call you.

What if the girl is too busy?

Hmm?

[Gigabitch]

What if the girl is too busy?

Hmm?

It's different with you & Amy. You're long-distance. You have an established relationship, you've known each other for a long time. You know what's going on with her, she knows what's going on with you, and you're going to see each other in a couple of months.
Even if the actual bf/gf question has not been decided, you're not really doing the "Dating Game".

[Junket]

Even if the actual bf/gf question has not been decided, you're not really doing the "Dating Game".

Hmm...good point...

I was definitely getting defensive there, sorry about that.

[lissa]

Okay so the book is crap and over generalizes. But it’s still hard for me to know when he has just stopped being interested (and by the way WHY do you guys all of a sudden lose interest? That has always confused me).

I’m think my plan is to give him one quick call to say hello, maybe ask if he wants to get some coffee sometime (in the way that Grk suggested thank you for that tip) and show him I’m still interested. If he doesn’t make contact after that then I will drop it.

I know love should come naturally, but it never has for me!! Ha. I have a hard time telling most of the time. Guys are a mystery.