Some Questions

[Mac]

Hi everyone - short time reader, first time poster so go easy on me!

I have a few questions which I need guideance about. I am going to jump around a little so I appologise in advance for doing so. I should really be able to figure these out on my own but my mind is a little clouded so I am seeking advice based on your experience.

My SO and I already live together - in fact we were flatmates first before partners. I own the place, and she is a tennant along with 2 other ladies. Now don't read into this too much - it's all very cool at the moment - there's no conflicts with how we live.

I *knew* right away that she was all kinds of special. I told her this last night (that I liked her from day 1) and her reaction was positive - I joked that I would have offered her to room for free just to get her to move in =] Now, I'm a very stand-offish, long-term-point-of-view kind of person and you have to understand that initially confessing to her that I liked her was a huge risk (consider that we live in the same house, and that it could have gotten uncomfortable had she not felt the same way or been open to my feelings) - I really didn't want to lose her from the get-go.

After about 1 month of living together as flatmates I told her that I "liked her a lot" and dropped various hints that I wanted to be more than friends - all of which she picked up on and returned with interest. During this initial month (when we lived together, but weren't 'together') I spent a bit of time working out why I couldn't sleep, why I missed her when she was studying, etc etc. Best diet I've ever been on! I figured out after a month that I loved her. As I said above I'm a very stand-offish person - 'love' is not something I take lightly. I've only ever said it to a SO twice, I never say it to my father and the last time I said it to anyone was when mum finished a year of breast cancer surgery / after care. It is a big deal to me and I'd never say it unless I was certain.

Last night I told her - "I do love you". It took me about 20 minutes of gazing into her eyes in bed to say it - I was once again evaluating the risks - Too soon? Too over the top? Unfortunately I can't help my feelings for her! Upon telling her (she very much knew what I was trying to say for the 20 minutes - I've said it in many other ways during our time together such as "I trust you" [which is right up there in my books also], "I like you more than a lot", "I'm all yours") her reaction was good - nothing negative but we both know that regardless of my feelings (that is, we're not dismissing them - we're just taking it as fact) it's not going to change how we've been progressing.

Whiiiiiiiiiich kind of left me feeling uncomfortable this morning. I will add that there was nothing last night from her that indicated that she was uncomfortable - in fact it was one of the best nights to date *wink*. But I will explain why I felt awkard today. Most of my relationships (well, the few I have had) have been long term - 1-2 years - I don't do one night stands, nor short term infactuous flings. Having only been with SO for 2 1/2 months, it felt quick to me (but not wrong) to tell her. Further, I know in my heart that I can trust her, but my brain tells me that I don't know her well enough to have full faith, which is also why I feel awkard telling her that I love her - can you love something you don't fully know? Having been burnt in my last relationship, I promised myself that I'd *not* trust people as easily as I did when I used to go into a relationship - perhaps this is clouding my mind?

My position on love is fairly simple - You can have all of me (which implies full trust, devotion and committment) or you don't - I am fully in or not at all. I'm a one-girl-guy and I avoid situations which may cause unrest for the SO when it comes to other women out of respect for what 'we' have. (By the way - SO is Significant Other if you haven't picked up on it yet!).

So I guess in a round about way this gets to some of my questions.

1) I do believe that love just 'works' - when it's right it's right. But I still feel funny that I told her I love her - even though there were no negative reactions. Is it because I don't say it often (do you? If you don't have you felt the same way?) or because of another reason I am unable to see?
2) Am I stupid to walk into another relationship with open arms (full trust) or is it better to hold my cards close to my chest and let time take its course? Is doing this making me less of a person to be around (bottling emotions)? I want to believe 100% that this is the right one for me.
3) She's said all the right things about her perspective on relationships - she enters each one with long term goals (she's not had too much experience though - she is younger than me) and said "she trusts anyone until she is proven wrong". I like everything about this. Has anyone ever been hurt in a previous relationship and how long did it take you to learn to trust your new / next SO even though there was no reason to doubt them? (I would love to say I don't have trust issues but once bitten, twice shy!)
4) Am I stupid - am I over analysing the situation? Should I just let the water flow its natural course?

Thanks for reading - my book will be published next year! Hehe!

[Gigabitch]

Hi Mac,

Of course it hurts to get burned. How long did you wait to tell the girl who burned you that you loved her? Do you think it made any difference? The time to tell someone you love them is when you love them, not when she's proven herself worthy.

Silly Mac. You can't control love. It's a force of nature. Have you ever been surfing? It's a lot like surfing. You don't tell the ocean what to do; you just ride it. Sometimes you hit the water pretty hard. Sometimes it's the best day of your life.

It's worth it. Don't be scared.

[vashti]

Ya know, I wanted to boost you some rep points for that wonderful post, giga, but I can't. I haven't been able to give rep to any regulars for a while. I wonder what's going on...

[Mac]

You know what Giga - I really do know that. I also know that it's reasonable to expect to get burnt (law of averages), though I never plan for it. Yes I told the burnee that I loved her, but that took a while and once again it felt right. I think I may have confused you - she doesn't need to prove herself worthy - I'm not trying to figure her out - I'm trying to figure myself out!

[Gigabitch]

Mac, long story short: You're never stupid to hope for something good. Stupid is being bitter and suspicious of someone who just might be the best person you'll ever meet.

I know you aren't- I hear your optimism. I support it. Love her completely.

[Mac]

Thanks Giga. Appreciate it!