help with girl/friend

[Gigabitch]

Okay, this may come as a surprise from me, but I think you should wait. That kid won't last long. None of them ever do, right?

You just don't seem like the kind of guy who would go after someone who's spoken for, and pretending you don't know about him is beneath you. Next time you see her, have a great time together as usual. Give her ten new reasons to choose you.

[intrepido]

Okay, this may come as a surprise from me, but I think you should wait. That kid won't last long. None of them ever do, right?

You just don't seem like the kind of guy who would go after someone who's spoken for, and pretending you don't know about him is beneath you. Next time you see her, have a great time together as usual. Give her ten new reasons to choose you.

Im glad you said this...last night I was just a little down when I found that out because it was the last thing I would have expected but yea I doubt this guy will last long. Her and her mother seem to mirror each other in a lot of ways. Her mother just recently broke off an engagement to her spanish boyfriend because hes not educated and basically not good enough for her, or so her daughter told me. They were supposed to break it off altogether but theyre still seeing one another, kinda weird, basically because she cant find a truly better man (to quote pearl jam). So the girls new boyfriend is spanish as well, shes a spanish major in college for no reason imparticular other than that she enjoys spanish. I guess thats as good a reaons as any but the girl really is all over the place with some things.

She tells me all sorts of things she wouldnt tell anyone else, just things about her and she always says she doesnt know why shes tellin me those things but I guess she feels a strong connection to me. She told me the other day that she thought id find it interesting that when she got her mail that day, her father had sent her a pablo picasso print of don quijote, her favorite spanish novel that shes been so enamored with. She called me real late one nite when I was in bed to tell me that she had finished the book and was so upset that don quijote dies at the end, and that Im the only one she felt she could call about this. I happened to be in Macys a few days later and I saw a shirt with a don quijoe drawing printed on it and some other stuff, I knew she would love it so I got it for her and was goin to give it to her when she came home, but we missed one another, I had plans the nite she could hang out and worked the rest of the weekend so I wound up giving it to her yesterday folded into a crate of fruit with bananas, oranges and apples because she told me she was sick. She lives near my job so I went over there before work but no one was home. I left a funny note that is on par with our similar senses of humor and she really loved it and I was just feeling real good about that when I found out that she now had some new boyfriend.

The funny part is that I got the shirt for her and then she told me that her dad had sent her that picture, but she didnt know I had the shirt when she told me that she thought id find it funny that her dad sent her that, now why she thought id find that funny beats me but she has said that the only thing missing in her life is a closer relationship to her father. Now im not her father or am trying to be her father. All I wanted to do in the beginning was look out for her and make sure she would always be ok, she didnt need another guy tryin to use her, shes a little but flirty so im sure she has guys tryin to take advantage of her all the time but thats not what she needed or needs. My feelings just continue to grow over time and I think hers for me as well so everything is really very good, all these postings in the meantime were just silly speculations. I think she likes having a boyfriend and the fact that her mother dates and that her father wasnt really there when she was growing up def seems to play a part in that as well. Anyway yea Im goin to just continue being there for her because I care for her, the love thats growing between us is something that could not have grown if I was to have made some brash move right off the bat last year, thats just not how it works. Thanks again for ur advice giga

[intrepido]

o boy so the girl sent me a message that her life was a big mess and that she needs to talk to me because i am her voice of wisdom.

So we talk today and it turns out that the boy shes now in a relationship with she dated for like two weeks in high school and when she was home for thanksgiving he asked her out. Her dilemma was that she said yes thinking that her feelings would resurface but they didnt and she feels absolutely nothing for the kid and doesnt know what to do.

She also told me that shes been cryin all day and doesnt know whats wrong with her because every guys hes dated shes only dated for about two weeks, the longest being a month. We got to talkin about this book, and long story short she says she wants to be light forever and not heavy, and I told her that its ok to be afraid of being hurt but u dont want to miss out on things cuz of it, cuz living a heavy meaningful life and having those experiences is what makes life worthwhile.

Basically this girl is clueless Im finding out and I dont know if its such a good idea to pursue her. I think it might be better to just stay her friend, because she now has told me many times how great a friend I am. I got sucked in remembering back to what I originally thought about her, how I could tell she was clueless right off the bat and I felt bad for her in a way. I think thats part of who I am to try and help someone in need and maybe thats not the best reason to like someone.
I dunno guys, lemme know what u think about this one.

[intrepido]

Okay, this may come as a surprise from me, but I think you should wait. That kid won't last long. None of them ever do, right?

You just don't seem like the kind of guy who would go after someone who's spoken for, and pretending you don't know about him is beneath you. Next time you see her, have a great time together as usual. Give her ten new reasons to choose you.

yea, none of them do, is what I thought but now I have it right from the horses mouth taht the longest relationship was a month and now this story about just sayin yes to this kid cuz she at one point when she was in high school and probably less attractive/wordly, kind of liked him enough to go out for a week or so. JEEEEZ....

I feel that just about any guy taht asks her out shell go out with cuz maybe she wants to have a boyfriend, is insecure about herself, wants to be taken out, or all of the above. I bet that she hasnt ever really asked any guys out herself and the guys that ask her out she just goes with and then finds out in a few days that she doesnt like them at all or finds a small thing she doesnt like any gets rid of them. I actually remember hearing her talk about some guy she dated who she lost interest in because he drove his car with one finger sometimes. Now thats absolutely crazy, in my opinion. I dunno, the girl seems to think the world of me, and always has right from the start so maybe I should make a strong move with her. Its weird because I have a few girls that Im seeing right now, two to be exact and that number always changes, but this girl I want to look after and some part of me really cares for her and wants her to do well and be happy and I dont know if thats a good reason to be involved with somoene but it seems like it is....

[intrepido]

I dont know what Ive been thinking, I love this girl and that doesnt really come along all that often. Whats even crazier is that I thnk she feels the same way about me, even though shes young and by her own admission confused about a lot of things in her life right now, I cant let her just slip on by.

[intrepido]

to revive an old thread...

When my friend came home she invited me to her friends parties several times and to her new years one cuz she claims that all of her friends from school really wanted to meet me and would be disappointed if they didnt. I felt obligated to stay at the restaurant i work at to be with a waitress i was seeing at the time on new years, and dont really regret that i did that.

So over her christmas break we had a few lunches and dinners always turning into several hour long affairs at the tables...at sushi one afternoon they had to ask us to leave because the cooks needed to eat. We went to the city to see a spanish painter art exhibit which was a great time, from the train ride in with the crazy lady to the security guards keeping us from getting too close to the paintings, to how much louder and happier we were than anyone there, to playin spy games in the parkin garage back home, we had a great time, and shes told me since that it was one of hte best days shes ever had in her whole life.

She works at the office we met at while shes home for break and one day wont stop tellin me how nice the shirt Im wearing is and keeps on petting it and touchin it, it was just a navy blue form fitting thermal underwear type shirt. So im like ok thats nice but didnt think too much about it until she sends me a message that nite on the computer about how she "didnt want to sound skeevy at work but i looked so good in that shirt today." I think she always looks beautiful so I reciprocated and she says "haha we are SO awkward." Now theres been times when she calls me her best friend, times when she calls me her father, her mother, her hero, and the list continues. I mentioned once how I need to find a 35 yr old woman wiht a condo in hawaii to be with as a joke and she says that we have to make a pact that if neither of us is married by the time were 30 then we get married. All taht stuff is nice and I do think that she means it, but it can be construed as friendship kind of talk...but the i looked so good in that shirt thing is her tellin me i look sexy. When her mom was apparently obsessed with me, from waht she kept sayin I asked her why and shes like "well cuz ur like none of my guy friends...ur so tall dark and handsome and my mom thinks ur so funny, which she loves witty guys."

So she inevitably leaves again for school and we get back to talkin on the phone and on instant messenger, but I try to limit conversation to keep things more interesting. She tells me about her first ski trip and how she almost fell off a cliff and about all her classes and I am just really happy htat shes doin so well and is so happy. She tells me shes comin home on a thursday and asks if i want to catch a movie or something, so we have plans for that nite. She also asks me for my address cuz shes sending me something and in one of these conversations seems to lay it on the line for me? but i dunno....she was just sayin how she isnt interestd in any guys right now, any of the guys she used to be interested in she isnt anymore, if somoene asks her to hang out she tries to avoid that, and hint to them or outright tell them shs not interested. BUT she then says to me "Brian if I may be awkward for a minute...youre the only guy who I would regret not dating....ur so fabulous." I respond witha tahnk you or something and change the subject, but a few minutes later she says it again..that she really meant what she said before. She also said that she knows shes crazy and that she would "never want to subject me to her craziness"

The only reason I am here telling this story is because, first I like talkin about her second I wouldnt mind peoples takes or opinions on what is happening. and thirdly I just wanted to look out for her while she had a good time in college, did well in school and grew up fine etc. but now she seems to really want to be with me, and if that is the case I dont want her to think that I dont want her...or do i? as a question...maybe I should just continue treating her like a princess, my little sweetheart, I mean thats how I feel about her anyway...

What does everyone think?

[Gigabitch]

Nobody ever posts in your thread but me. Too lazy to read, maybe.

I have some thoughts about this girl:

I think you should keep treating her as your little princess and let her grow up a little. If she actually thinks she's crazy, maybe she'll actually get herself to therapy at some point and her therapist will help her to until that big ugly knot in the apron strings she's got going on. What I mean by that is that this girl is waaaaay too entangled with her mom and their relationship sounds a little more buddy-buddy than mother-daughter.

This probably feels safe and good to her, and she probably thinks that all of her problems are daddy problems. They aren't. She is going o have to deal with her mom issues before she can grow up and have an adult relationship.

Never tell her this. In fact, don't ever criticize her mother for any reason because she will turn on you like a crazed ferret. (Not that you would- a nice guy like you with sterling manners would rather slam his fingers in a car door than dis her mama, I'm sure) If SHE ever says bad things about her mother, just answer her with good things about herself.

"But her relationship with her mother is great!", you say. I disagree.

That's just a small part of what I think's going on with her, though.

That girl needs focus. Fortunately, she doesn't sound particularly self-destructive, or I'd be really worried about you. I'm not, though. I think you're going to end up together.

[intrepido]

Yea, I too think that shes perhaps a little too buddy buddy with mom. Mom leads an interesting dating life....She just broke up with her most recent boyfriend WHO had recently gotten out of jail for the second time for dealing heroine. My friend told me that her moms really happy, she just broke up with her jungle mongrol boyfriend. The two of them spent christmas and christmas eve in his apartment in the city...she called to tell me how it was kind of weird cuz all these good looking russian people just showed up for dinner and the party and she felt out of place so she went in another room etc but she later found out from her mother that the beautiful blonde russian women were all call girls. Her and her mom spend all their family time together because she has no family, and shes said that shed love to one day marry into a nice family to spend holidays together. In fact she told me about her mothers dating life and how her parents had disowned her twice, once for dating a black guy and after takin her back again because of some guy that they didnt like who wound up committing suicide while they were dating. And sure enough we were at the park one day and her grandparents were out for a walk and they didnt even acknowledge one another, (they live around the block) Her only other family is her father and his family, of whom she hates her stepmother and the way she thinks shes so smart and treats her dad and the daughters she tells me are spoiled brats.

Everyone I talk to about this girl tells me to stay away and forget about her but I cant because I know her and know that we care for one another and always will, which is rare. I meet girls all the time, take some of them out, but no one in as long as I remember has come close to her and sometimes I cant even figure out what it is about her that makes me feel the way I do. (btw, I finally got some pictures up on my comp, we were talkin a while ago about that).

Just recently I sent her a subscription to Time magazine and when she got the first issue she first called her dad thinking it was definitely him then her mom and then I got a call at 8 am, and she sounded so happyand was laughing That kind of stuff makes me feel like nothing else.

I wouldnt want to even risk losing her in my life so despite all the signs shes given me I wont make any moves on her. She was really in my head when she was tellin me how good I look in certain clothes and tellin me that shes not interested in any guys but she would regret it if we didnt date cuz im great, and tellin me that she really meant it. I wasnt sure if I should do something then and if I didnt she would be hugely turned off, but I dont think that anymore. I think I love her, I was in love once but this is something much much more so maybe that first time wasnt really love. Anyway...

whats ur take on all this mom business and whatnot?

Thanks again!

[Gigabitch]

It pisses me off that people are telling you to stay away from her. Just because she has a messed up family situation doesn't mean she's going to turn out all messed up. She'll have to work at it, but it sounds to me like she craves stability and wholesomeness.

She reminds me of myself.

Don't give up on this girl.

One thing you have to understand (and she'll have to get it at some point too) is that you can't actually fix this for her. She has to do it. I think she really looks to you to provide what her family does not, and ultimately, she'll find it in herself. I know you want to be her hero, but what she will need more than that is just a good man. I think you're up to the task.

[intrepido]

yea, exactly my sentiment on the fact that just because she has a messed up family situation doesnt mean shell turn out that way. BTW, ur very very nice to keep replying to this thread

Also what do u mean she reminds u of urself?


I think she likes having me in her life...im sure she doesnt treat everyone the way she treats me, and say the things she says to me to everyone. The way she dates is like her mom, or at least she talks like that...the longest relationship shes had was 3 weeks, shell go out with a guy for a week and then break up with them, maybe because she doesnt want to be broken up with herself so she beats them to the punch...or maybe because no guy really treats her the way she feels she should be treated. I think the latter is more how it is. BUT her mom for instance dated a black guy and she used to have a thing for denzel washington and terrell owens and said how she wanted to have a black boyfriend. Another time I heard her talkin about how her mom has a new boyfriend, a spanish guy (who turned out to be a real uneducated and unsuccessful guy-they actually got engaged for a week until her mom broke it off, even though she was real excited about it at first, then she thought that the guy wasnt good enough for her) and this guy that my friend liked for a while was this spanish guy...who didnt seem to really have all that much goin for him other than the fact that he was spanish

You can tell when someone is just being flirty or nice and says that they think ur the best or even things more complimentary than that but when she says those things its like she wants to say much more. That in addition to how ive caught her lookin at me, and posturing herself etc, makes me think that she wants to keep me interested but not have anything right now because she wants to see what else is out there and doesnt want to get involved and wind up either hurting me or having me hurt her.

She tells me about the guys that she used to like and how they ask her to hang out etc but she has no interest and also how she thinks physical relationships are pointless and can never ever kiss anyone if she doesnt feel something BUT it doesnt seem like thats entirely true... I know for me when I become intimate with somoene that I dont really like all that much its like being with a doll or something and maybe thats how it is for her... She seems to have been with people for purely physical reasons and has brought up many times about how shes ran into guys shes hooked up etc...doesnt like anyone at college but has this film class of about 10 people and in that class there are two guys she used to hook up with...something doesnt really add up. Could she be tellin me about guys because she thinks that ill be more attracted to her for it? she has to know that the more guys u talk about uve been with the less attracted that will make a guy, like me anyway, others may see her as easy and go for that.

Also when I first met her I thought she was amazing but was hesitant because she seemed outgoin and happy but at the same time sad and confused, and very easily impressionable, maybe its just her youth. But she said those exact things to me once at dinner unprovoked...she was analyzing herself and said that she is very confident but at the same time not confident at all.. What does that mean?

[Gigabitch]

She reminds me of myself because I also come from a really crap family situation and my mother is a bit sex-obssessed as well.

She tells you about her hook-ups, etc. because she is a compulsive confessor, wanting to lay it all out there because she abhors lying, feels guilty about her actions, and most of all, really wants you to know her and love her anyway.

For a long time I always had to date the pretty guys, even if they were losers. I understand that. She'll grow out of it. She's not just into you for your looks- don't worry about it.

What is confidence, really? Does it ever go all the way down to the core of someone? It's how we present ourselves to the world, and I think most of us are plagued by doubts and fears now and again. Feel honored that she's showing hers to you- I'll bet she doesn't do that very often.

I wish she weren't so very, very young. She's got a lot of growing up to do before she can be in the kind of relationship you're looking for.

[intrepido]

what makes someone sex-obsessed? I dont know if her mother is sex-obsessed or not, all I know about her divorce is that the two of them "are both really cool people but dont get along at all." She tells me that her mother likes guys who are tall dark and handsome, smart/witty and funny. BUT she dates all these dudes anyway...why is that?

It could also be partly her daughter tryin to play games with me through her mom...like shes told me that her mom and I should date...would tell me that her moms obsessed with me (maybe just to give herself a reason to tell me some stuff that she likes about me without actually having to say its coming from herself, thus eliminating her chance of getting burned) told me that her mom was makin me a valentine and that we were goin to be valentines, then asked me to be hers as well so "I could have the whole family"

As for tellin me about guys shes hooked up with, maybe shes tryin to sound desirable by tellin me that other guys desire her or does want to be very honest with me cuz shes lookin for someone who really will love her no matter what...She does like that sex and the city quote about finding someone that loves the u that u love and that being great and all, but that seems like a generic girl thing to say, who knows though.

I dont know if she does just date the "pretty guys" maybe some. For her it seems like when a guy asks her out she has a tough time saying no so as not to upset his feelings, but not with every guy, some though according to how she talks and other times i think she wants to be desired by an attractive guy so she herself feels more desirable. I dated girls before just because they were hot but not for long, except one because I felt bad for doing it.

I find also that I am hit on, approached and plain flirted with by older women whether they be in their late 20's mid 30's or even older. (I am 23) At the risk of not sounding like a vain jerk I wont get into anyone ive been with from this lot and or the things they say about me etc but just want to elucidate a point about more mature women knowing waht they want? Theres a very cute waitress I work with, were buddy buddy and I feel that shes attracted to me and I am to her, we tease and joke and laugh etc but she tells me about some of the guys she gets with, one who comes into the restaurant one nite after shes tellin me all the time how he doesnt call her unless its 2 am and is lookinfor a booty call, hell send her a text message and shell respond! So im thinkin this guys gotta be something else, so he comes in and hes like 5'3" 130 lbs with a 50$ haircut, tanning salon skin and big fake diamond earrings, real piece of work. I had to laugh to myself. Near where he was sitting there was a very pretty woman sitting with what turned out to be her mother and apparently they were noticing the interaction between her and this guy and asked after he left if that was her boyfriend. She said "no not really," and they replied with "well good! u should get rid of him and date that tall waiter" (Shes tellin me this btw, she always tells me what her female customers say about me) She tells them tho that she doesnt date at work and they say back to her "oh its ok, ur young, u can make mistakes but that doesnt seem like itd be a mistake to us!" Just another seeming example of this young girl syndrome possibly? another thought in this paragraph was that I think Im a good looking guy, strong, tall, cute, etc might I be too accessible? for her anyway...

I also have thought that she wants someone who she thinks measures up to her in all aspects, but not right now since she just wants to be young and if we were to get together and break up htat would mess up her whole learning curve, since she seems to hold me in high regard and if it didnt work out with me she would be lost

I really appreciate ur correspondence, as these ramblings hold very little gravity as to how I feel for her, but they do help ease my mind a bit and also I have an avid interest in psychology and sociology, Im studying to be a doctor, I have an avid interest in a lot of things. How i feel for her is like she is my great friend, somoene that I have been charged to look after and to see through any troubles she may have. Even before I heard her speak the way she looked at me the very first time told me how spirited she was. I know from personal experience that wide-eyed optimism and lust for life and all that it has to offer can be chiselled into by events that happen to us during the course of our lives and it takes time to regain that viewpoint again. This is something that I could not and will not ever see happen to her, ill be her crutch if she is injured and see her safely on her way always...and thats about the best way I can put it, I am no poet. She reminded me of myself instantaneously, I had some hardships and they bogged me down for a bit since I kept things inside etc but I will never let that happen to her. She is young but she is also doin so well and thats more than I could have ever hoped for in her. When she started hinting at a more serious relationship is when I became restless, I would not sully such a beautiful relationship by attempting a physical/sexual advance on her, other than picking her up which has happened already cuz its fun to give her big hugs! haha

[intrepido]

Sometimes Ive wondered why I like this girl so much...I think it is because she has some problems...or seems to have them anyway. We all have problems but since she seems to have had a rocky growing up maybe and seems a bit confused, impulsive and impressionable I feel that makes her more attractive to me, because I know shes great and want to help her.

The way she looked at me the first time we met was really something... but maybe she looks at everyone that way? every guy, maybe she treats all possibly elegible guys in the same way, even those that arent elegible, just to make herself feel attractive. Shes said that she "likes to be wanted, but doesnt like having a boyfriend" or at least not for now. So does she just like hookin up randomly with guys? doesnt seem very ladylike or meaningful...I cant really make sense of her because she tells me that she could never kiss someone unless she felt something for them.

Im starting to think that she acts in a certain idealized way of herself, for the most part, to me and then just does things that would contradict how she makes herself appear to me, when Im not around, or doesnt tell me about those things. Im not like that.

Its actually sort of frustrating because women compliment me all the time, I work at a restaurant, a law firm and a hospital and at the restaurant specifically I am bombarded with sometimes borderline lewd things from women patrons. The women at the law firm are always askin me about girls and dates I go on and want to fix me up with their daughters and with girls in the office. But usually Im alone and its because I cant really see myself getting too into a relationship based on physical attraction only, with the possibility of it going somewhere being very small. Im not a jerk that will lie to girls and be overly aggressive to get sex. I feel like I should act more often on things with women because I have so many opportunities while others may not have them, and I would feel like I am wasting them.

I dont know...I dont have to be lonely is what im saying but I will be if it means only goin out with a girl to pursue sex. Every so often I will have a month where I will get a few numbers, call them all and take a few different girls out but they never work out for me because Im just not that into the girls, and theyre all pretty, relatively interesting and nice, but I see myself there only for sex and that means only for myself, even tho they might be there for that too. I think thats why I like this girl so much because I am there at least evenly for her and myself if not more for her. I love to see her smile and know that shes ok and all...Is this ****ed up or am I just crazy?

[Gigabitch]

You know damned well you're not crazy. You want validation? Okay:

You're a good person with strong moral values who cares deeply about someone.

There.

The rest of this shit, you just need to let go. I also think you might want to work on your boundaries with casual strangers.

[intrepido]

You know damned well you're not crazy. You want validation? Okay:

You're a good person with strong moral values who cares deeply about someone.

There.

The rest of this shit, you just need to let go. I also think you might want to work on your boundaries with casual strangers.

What do u mean work on my boundaries with casual strangers?