My Life.

[Zach]

I have been with my amazing girlfriend for 2 years and 2 months. On our 2 year anniversary I gave her a promise ring to show her my commitment and love for and to her. We had a great balance in our relationship, we never fought EVER and always had fun. We always made each other laugh and always came to agreements on contrasting opinions. We did actually fight once but it was only cause we were both drunk and since then we thought better of it.

Well here is my situation. A few weeks ago I noticed something was wrong with her. She was acting a little strange. We went to a dance and while we were dancing I noticed it seemed like it was bothering her to dance with me. She said she felt sick. So later on that night I asked her what was wrong and I know something is up. She told me she didn't know how she felt about me anymore. She didn't know if she liked me as a friend or a boyfriend. It hit really hard, and I didn't expect it at all. I was completely happy and satisfied and in very passionate love with her still after all this time. I broke down after she told me how she wasn't sure anymore. After that i told her I hoped that she wouldn't give up just yet, and to keep fighting because I know she loves me, or atleast did! The things we have felt together and experienced was too intimate to just fade away out of no where like this. Well time went on and she said none of her feeling has changed and she still has no idea what she wants. But she said it felt like a burden to be with me and it made her sick to be with me because she felt like everything she did and said was all a lie. She did not want to lie to me at all and it hurt her to "act". So eventually we both decided to seriously end this and move on.

After we broke up I went back a couple times to return certain things to her that I had at my place. It was really hard. The last time I went I almost lost my mind. I just lashed out and kissed her passionately and we both sat down to talk. We talked for a while and the situation remained the same. I told her there was no way possible I could move on.... I just can't because I love you way to much. The only way I can move on is if you honestly tell me you want me to move on.
She said: "Zach I.. I don't love you like that anymore.....I think you should move on..."

I knew I shouldn't of kissed her.

Previously that day I had written down a whole bunch of questions that I really needed truthfully answered before I could move on. Before I left i asked her all of them.
One being: "Can you right now be a friend with me and not be bothered by it at all?!"
She said: "Yes"
The fact that she wasn't in any pain throughout this whole breakup was one of the hardest things to swallow. I was in all this pain alone.
She said: "But I would always want to kiss you Zach. It just feels right to kiss you. Your the only friend that I could kiss and it not feel weird."
I am completely confused......
I also noticed right then that she was wearing my Promise ring that she had previously taken off.
I asked her why she was wearing that if she doesn't Love me like that anymore.
She said: "Because I'm not over you yet... and it reminds me of you and I like thinking about you."
I am completely confused again..
How can she be in no pain through all of this and still not be over me? And if she isnt over me!!! That means she still has SOME feelings for me! And WHY would it feel right to kiss me if she doesn't love me like that anymore!?
I have been in so much pain and agony because of all of what is going on in my life right now.

This is the end. Right before I left I told her that this would be the last time I came over to talk to her, because I had gone over a few times since we broke up and I don't want to feel like a stalker.
I said: "I won't be back.."
Right then I handed her a letter.. She grabbed it and before I let go of it I looked her right in the eyes and said.."Promise me Ann.. promise me right now that you will NEVER ever open this letter - if or until the day that you love me back with all your heart and soul as I do to you right now!" She promised.

The letter said: " I still and always will love you. I've been waiting for you."

I simply said goodbye with my eyes..I said nothing.
Then I turned around and said have a good life, and walked away.
As I walked away she said quietly - "I love you" (but she already had been saying I love you to me but she meant as a friend would say it. Which made me hurt more)

I walked out the door, and now a week later I am still in terrible shape and still wonder if I did the right thing.

My guess is that either she has fallen for another guy or she simply wants to live the single life because she is only 17. (Parties and Drugs/Alcohol and Crazy friends. Lets not forget flirting and dating and ****ing.)
I asked her if I had scared her at all and she told me she honestly wasn't scared of commitment or anything. The ring was fine and all was good. She says she simply lost her feeling for me......but I just can't accept that..

Also, when we first broke up she made me promise that I would call her when I was over her and we would be friends again cause "she can't loose me". She made sure to remind me of it right before the last time I saw her.

11:39:34 am - October 30, 2006
__________________________________________________ _____________


Here I am 17 days later and still in terrible shape. Its now November 15.

I just got back from her house... I went back... I had to..
I ignored my feelings and now I'm all ****ed up again...
I saw her face and heard her voice...

13 days ago I wrote in a letter exactly what I felt. I never planned on giving it to her. I knew If I gave it to her I would stir up all these feelings again and I don't think I can handle them again...... But there were some things I had to tell her and she had the right to know...

I the last time i saw her in the last post I gave her my journal. In this journal I wrote all my feelings knowing I would give it to her someday. And I did. She also told me that she was thinking about writing in it and when all this was over with she would give it back to me.

Well I also felt like I couldn't handle not telling her exactly how i felt. So I did. I went to her house for the very last time... I gave her the letters I had written that she wasnt ever supposed to read... The main point in the letter was that I can't ever forgive her for something...

First you must understand me, I am a very moral person and I believe in myself and what I stand for. I believe in true love and I am always longing it. I was saving myself for the one person I would be with and love forever. Classic Right?
In the midst of our relationship she was ready to give herself to me. I wasn't. I wasn't ready to give my whole heart over to her. I couldn't, it had already been broken terribly once before. It took me so long to fully trust her. After months of feeling and thinking, I eventually allowed my heart to completely trust her and everything she is. I engulfed myself in her love entirely. I gave her my virginity finally after doubting giving myself to her. She gave hers to me.

And now she left me.. my ****ING HEART IS TORN OUT!!!! Why the **** did I trust her!? I'll never have that again... Its gone forever.. My letter told her I can't forgive her... I may be able to be around her someday and my heart will surely mend but deep.. deep down in my heart I'll never be able to let that go. We can never be friends again. Never.

My letter also says.. "I hope this is the last promise I'll ever break to you."

She thought that I was going to call her and I could be friends with her eventually.

And thats why I had to go back, I had to tell her that I am gone forever. And here I am telling my pathetic story for no reason besides to get it out. My near future again expect ridiculous crippling pain like the last time I saw her. I need help right now, because I don't know If I can make it throught this.. My Life is shattered and It has been over a month since we broke up... Im so depleted... everything is getting cold..

This is my tragedy. This is not clearly written but I can't think and I am not ok.

..........

[Gigabitch]

Ow, Zach. This may be the most difficult thing you have to go through for the next 50 years.

Trust that your natural state is that of hopefulness and love, okay?

[Zach]

Ow, Zach. This may be the most difficult thing you have to go through for the next 50 years.

Trust that your natural state is that of hopefulness and love, okay?

I am trying... Its just right now I am a state of shock ( literally) My heart is beating like it going to stop and my eyes sight is blurry and I feel light... I am puking and crying... I am sick and I have to work tomorrow.. **** me.

[Gigabitch]

You're young, and tougher than you think.

Check your PMs.

[Zach]

My PMs? Im sorry I dont know what you mean.

[King Zarathu]

Heh...reminds me of my relationship with Jordyn. We did the journal thing too, exchanged letters we weren't supposed to read, and all the rest of that bullshit.

Trust me dude, no matter how much you think you love her now, you'll be totally over her within like a year. I have my first and last class of the day with her, and we haven't exchanged a single word all year long.

You'll be fine. You're in pain now, but it won't take long for the wounds to heal.

[Mathias]

Heh...reminds me of my relationship with Jordyn. We did the journal thing too, exchanged letters we weren't supposed to read, and all the rest of that bullshit.

Trust me dude, no matter how much you think you love her now, you'll be totally over her within like a year. I have my first and last class of the day with her, and we haven't exchanged a single word all year long.

You'll be fine. You're in pain now, but it won't take long for the wounds to heal.

This guy knows stuff.

[Prodigal]

This is really tough. I agree with Zarathu. It takes a lot of pain to get over something like this, but you will get over it. And when it happens, you will be much stronger from it. Consider these past two years as a great learning experience. I feel that there's something to learn from every situation.

For now, though, I'd suggest rewarding yourself somehow. Do something you enjoy. Treat yourself to something you haven't had in a while. When I was really down about my situation a while ago, a friend and 'mentor' of mine told me that I should do something good for myself. It does wonders... believe me.

[King Zarathu]

I agree with Zarathu.

I agree with this post.

[Zach]

So here is the ending to my story.. hope you all enjoyed it in anguish.

I was starting to get over here then I went back to get closure ... I got it.. w/e w/e I had a rough week cause I saw her and I started to get better... and Im psychic I swear.. cause something I realized.

GUESS what!? What is the single most terrible thing that could happen to me after all of this? Yup, you guessed it.

My ex now likes my bestfriend and my bestfriend likes her back and they both just openly ditched me for each other. The classic dating your ex's bestfriend still isnt to unpopular nowadays huh? **** me. The End.

[TDurden]

It's really shitty that all this had to happen to you, especially with your friend ditching you. Two years is a long time and it would be weird if you weren't feeling hurt. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd kick the shit outta my friend. He would completely deserve it. The fact that you haven't yet shows that you have control over your temper and that you can get past this.

Now here's the part where I'm an asshole. You're 19. She's 17. It was not going to last. Maybe, MAYBE 1 out of every 10,000 young relationships make it to marriage. Then 1 out of every 10 of those end up not getting divorced. You were not going to be that couple. You will get over this, you're not nearly as emotionally damaged by this as you think. She was not the love of your life and you won't spiral into darkness unless you let yourself.

The best thing you can do right now is to kick a lot of ass. Work out, get a rebound girl, hang out with some new people, cut off all contact with your old best friend (possibly get him a few subscriptions to gay porno mags), and keep yourself busy. For sure let yourself grieve, if you don't it'll cost you, but the worst thing you can do right now is sit in your room crying and writing sad shitty poems and listening to Dido. It won't help you feel better, you'll just dwell on her, and it'll be harder and harder for you to let go.

The whole "take your time" thing is best when dealing with a death or similar tragedy. But a breakup after a two year relationship is best dealt with by you getting back to living a normal life.

[Sooky]

Hey Zach,

Ouch, just reading your post I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. That really sucks. I’m so sorry that had to happen. You must feel terrible, but please know there are people out here that care.

When my ex bf dumped me I didn’t understand it either, it made no sense to me how he could just ditch me like that after all the times he’d said he loved me and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then I started to realise something, all those times he’d said all that stuff, he’d been lying, (maybe lying to himself too) but still lying. If he had loved me like he claimed then he wouldn’t have shattered my heart like he did. He wouldn’t have pretended like everything was fine one minute and then all of a sudden, as if out of nowhere decide, “That’s it. Its over now. Deal with it.”

As hard as it may be you have to look at the evidence. This girl obviously didn’t love you like she claimed, not only because she broke up with you in such a cruel way with no real explanations, but also because she’s now going out with your best friend! I know you may not believe it right now, but you are definitely better off without her, just like I’m better off without my ex bf.

I agree with TDurden, as hard as it is, its better to try and look to the future and all the many adventures that await you. Try to keep busy. Do lots of things that you like doing, things that will help cheer you up and keep you distracted. Maybe when you feel a little better try making a list of all the positive things that you still have in your life, and what you look forward to in the future. I found that this helped me.

I know its going to take time to get past this, but you can do it! We can both do it! I’ll be around if you feel like typing nonsense later, or waffling on in an email. You are not alone! And the future is out there waiting!

Don’t forget – “Never Give Up! Never Surrender!”

Lots of message board hugs.

[Zach]

Well let me clarify. They just started talking to each other "alot" within the last 4 days. They have been talking for likr 6 hours each night and claim they are just friends. But I know things and Im not a ****ing retard so I confronted her and I was right- She liked him. So I talked to her about what she has done and she really doesnt seem to care and feels it is completely ok because she didn't "do it on purpose". "I cant help how I feel" "I didnt choose to like Nathan" **** THAT! So I have Nathan over to talk about shit then he says I have been through enough pain and he can deal with the pain of not talking to her. But I thought that we all 3 should get toghether and talk this over because it needs to be solved or I will die. So we picked her up and the second she was with us Nathan changed. its like all of assudden he starts liking her hardcore and now he is willing to ditch me for her.

Heres the Problem. I love Ann still, but she doesn't love me- obviously. She likes nathan and wants to be friends with me. Nathan is my bestfriend since like 6th grade and he wants to be friends with ann but now he also has feelings for her. So what do I do?! I can't just cut off contact with both of them becaues I still go to college and I have to be in a class of 4 people one of the being nathan. I can't avoid him. Its as simple as that. So I either avoid that siuation by ignoring it and killing me and being friends with nathan while he and my ex flirt and "talk" and w/e. Or I back out of both their lives which i can't really do.

Ann can decide to walk out of both of our lives but she refuses and thinks im selfish for not being friends with nathan cause she likes him.

Nathan can back out of her life and stay friends with me or he can back out of my life and persue her or he can back out of both our lives completely.

I asked them WTF do we do.

Nathan: I dont know but maybe I should crush you beyond all belief so that you cant hurt anymore after that... plus I cant stop talking to ann.

Ann: (non caring) idk

Zach: so my ex and my best friend are going to go out and ditch me?

Ann: your blowing this way out of proportion... I said I like him a "little" bit but were not dating or anything like that...

Nathan: idk

Zach: wow.... (thinking to myself- get the **** out of my house.. you both are ****ing ridiculous immature selfish assholes...)

Then I take them home and they immediately get online and continue on with their lives together knowing this will kill me and not caring at all. I have to see nathan in school... how am I supposed to deal with this... I have been through way to much already omfg.......................................

[Gigabitch]

Zach- hear this: You do not need to work this shit out with Nathan or Ann. You need to CONFRONT and SEVER. That's right. Tell them they're both assholes and cut them off forever. These people are not your friends.

You are making a choice, here. You're really getting into the role of Mr. Broken Heart, and that's fine if you want to spend the rest of your life crying in the walk-in at McDonald's, but I don't think that's the best future you could choose for yourself.

Listen to me: **** Nathan. **** Ann. Leave them in the dust.

[Zach]

My only problem is seeing nathan... at school everyday for the rest of my schooling...OMFG