long distance relationships

[naoki322]

long story short, i'm in love with a girl that is across the country from me we've been together for 8 months now, and she's telling me the distance is starting to get to her, how i cant always be there in person for her when she needs me. but i'm always there for her in other ways since i cant be there physically, i really want this to work. I'm going to fly to where she lives to see her this christmas. anyone have any advice for me to try and make this work?

[Ellynn]

Thats the thing with LDR's. You both have to be able to make it work. If one person has doubts or can't handle lack of physical contact, more then likely its not gonna work.

When you visit her, I suggest that you have a talk with her. Plus, take advantage of all that time and really spend some quality time together. Then maybe that will help you come to a conclusion about whether or not its gonna work.

[whitedragon20na]

Well, with my personal expierence with LDR's, about 98% of the time they don't work out. It becomes much to stressful on both persons involved with the lack of physical contact and time together. That's what makes a relationship grow and become stronger is that you can always see that person if you need to.
The anticipation grows as you know you're about to see them, each day you get closer to that magical moment and you can't wait. You have an absolutely wonderful time when you see them and you couldn't imagine your life without them. Then your time with them goes by faster than you could have ever imagined. The final moments you have with them before you have to leave are heart-wrenching and you're scared that you might never see that person again.

After leaving them, you start to sulk, get down and depressed because you can't see that one special person when you really need to. The distance starts to cause problems in the relationship because you can't work through things. Not being able to see them is what ultimately drives you over the edge and it all comes to an abrupt end which you never saw coming because you thought the distance could never stop you from being with them.

The truth is, the distance is what ruins the relationship and it's not healthy to be in a relationship with someone you can't hold, hug, kiss and look at on a regular basis.

[tooxshort]

Ye of little faith ...

I've been in a long distance relationship for 6 months now and I'm going to see her for a month next week. I do agree that the lack of physical presence does suck, but at the same time, we're so in tuned with each other through communication, I can't imagine how good it will be when we're actually together.

I don't think the lack of physical contact should dictate whether the relationship will fail or not. In my experience, people get sick of being with each other physically anyway. If you can keep the fire in the brain working, then the physical stuff should be more of a perk.

Stick it through. Sure, you can't hold her and tell her everything's gonna be alright when things get rough, but shit, use your convincing skills and assure her anyway.

I'm not planning to base MY relationship on statistics ...

[naoki322]

ty for the advice everyone i'll keep it in mind

[Gigabitch]

I always said they were hell and no one should ever do it- I've posted stuff that looked almost exactly like whitedragon's post above, but now I'm actually in one. It's hard, but we get to see each other about once a month, and there's an end in sight. (Relocation is the answer- if it's worth it to be in an LDR with this person, it's worth moving for). It's important to have a really good plan. Do you have a plan?

It's totally normal for her to have doubts, and for you to be freaked out by them. Remember, though, that people in the same house have problems too, they're just different problems.

I hope the upcoming visit will recharge her.

[Tiay]

98% failure rate? oh yeah? you made that up. and judging by my observations of non-LD relationships, they don't work out most of the time either.

hm.. naoki:
how far do you live apart (that is, how long is the trip?) and how often do you get to see each other and how much does it cost?

LD isn't for everyone. Distance is an issue, human attraction is simply geared to work best in person. but....;
I'm in an LDR of at least two years now, and while initially I hated the distance, I've actually grown to appreciate some of the advantages; We're both very busy with our education/career/etc and it does give us space to do our own things.
Because you're only talking/chatting/etc and don't have physical contact, you get to know them in a different way- you're almost forced to learn to communicate really well, which is vital for any relationship.
People keep assuming that LDR's are riddled with trust issues. In fact, I find the opposite is true. With distance, you simply have to have trust- if you don't, you wont start the relationship in the first place. And yes, trust can always be broken, but that's true for all relationships.
I look at the college dating scene and see that 100% of it is convenience based. I love my bf because of who he is, not because it just happened to be convenient for us to date.

two people in my class recently split up.. and the girl said.. there was nothing there to stay together for, and they both realised that it was only a matter of time. A five year relationship, and nothing there?? that just would not happen with an LDR.

So really, LDR's are suited to certain people more so than non-LDR's. it just depends on the person. and I hope your gf is the type that can handle it. Try not to see it as this huge horrible thing that the world has thrown at you, it will become a monster in your head- rather, see the positives of it; if you only ever think of it in a negative way, you can't benefit from it the way you can when you realise how it can help you grow as people and make you a better, healthier, more committed couple.

[whitedragon20na]

I always said they were hell and no one should ever do it- I've posted stuff that looked almost exactly like whitedragon's post above, but now I'm actually in one. It's hard, but we get to see each other about once a month, and there's an end in sight. (Relocation is the answer- if it's worth it to be in an LDR with this person, it's worth moving for). It's important to have a really good plan. Do you have a plan?

It's totally normal for her to have doubts, and for you to be freaked out by them. Remember, though, that people in the same house have problems too, they're just different problems.

I hope the upcoming visit will recharge her.

Well I wish you the best of luck. My above post is pretty dark, but that's just how I feel about them. Just because the percentage is against you doesn't mean someone can't make it work, I mean it's not 100%, so people have obviously made it work before.
My post is my personal opinion because the last relationship I was in, actually engaged, was LD and here a year and a half later, I realize what hell it put me through. The only time I was truely happy in the relationship was the 5 1/2 days I was actually with her. So personally, I'll never do it again.

So I wish you all good luck in your relationships and hopefully you can be part of that 2%.

98% failure rate? oh yeah? you made that up. and judging by my observations of non-LD relationships, they don't work out most of the time either.

I can't say that I made it up, but it's just coming from something I read over a year ago, however my assumption is that it's not totally accurate, so don't take it as a fact.

[Tiay]

heh, I stand corrected. though I doubt most survey's accuracy, especially ones with such a subjective subject... did that article also have a percentage for non-LDR relationships?

anyway, I think it all depends on the circumstances.

[misombra]

i agree with giga, if there's an end in sight i think people can deal with the wait. if there's no plan on eventually being in each others company it would be very hard.

[Junket]

I'm in one right now, and we're half goin' with the flow, half planning for the future.

With anything like this, it's gonna be slow (unless you're financially secure and have little commitments where you are).

But I'm gonna be seein' her probably next month so it's all good.

Thing is, I already knew and spent a year with this girl before all of this, which definitely helped.

[Ellynn]

I'm actually surprised at how many people are in LDR's on here!

I don't know if I could do the once of month of seeing each other thing.

I wonder how it impacts your relatonship once you get to the point of seriousness and move to be with that other person. Then you are with them 24/7 etc.

I do happen to know a few married couples that function that way though. My aunt and uncle for example. They have been married over 30 yrs but he is gone a good portion of the week for work. My aunt doesn't mind because then she can do her own thing. Once he was home for a long period of time and they drove each other crazy. It was kinda funny.

[Junket]

As I'm reading some of these responses, I can't help but think to myself "but-".

There's so many more factors in LDR's than the distance itself.

One that Ellynn has just made is a good one.

Meri mentions moving for a person and it not working out can cause resentment as a result of expenses and missed opportunities. What about the possibility that moving allows you take advantage of other opportunities in your career?

Plus, once you do move, it ain't a LDR anymore, it's just a relationship that either fails or prospers.

If you don't try, you won't know, caution is all that necessary.

[Kutika]

When two really fall in love, there's no single reason to break up or whatever ... I've been with a guy for like 8 months now ... he lives in the South and i live in Beirut ... YES, it's REALLY hard as we can't see each other a lot ... but as I said, when there's love, nothing can stop it.

If you can travel to her place, then go... but if she's uncomfortable with the fact that you can't see each other every now and then, I guess it's better if you two split out... Today is better than tomorrow

Good Luck ...

[Gigabitch]

Good point, Kutika. Sometimes you just feel like you have no choice but to continue with this person, and that any and all inconvenience is ultimately worth it, because you just LOVE them, and that is all.