I don't want to lose her, but can't hurt her any more

[Barry2002]

This is my story:

I have been best friends with a girl for a year. btw. she's 20 i'm 21. At the beginning of our friendship she once asked me straight what i wanted from her, a relationship or a friendship. My answer was i didn't know and that i needed time, wich i did. Why did i need time? to see if my doubts about me loving her enough would go away after a while. I wasn't sure i was in love with her, so i probably wasn't. She more or less told me she would wait for me.

So we had a friendship for a year. but it was a very strange friendship. In the year we were friends not a week went by without seeing each other. But when we were together we really had nothing much to talk about, just being with each other was enough for us. During this year we always kept flirting with each other sending sweet message's trough sms, teasing each other by pinching one anohter in the back, that sort of thing. There was chemistry between us and sometimes i had the feeling i was falling for her. But i had also moments my feelings just seemed to have disappeared.

Two months ago it got more complicated. We started talking about more intimate things, and it felt so good to have someone you can say anything to. The problem was we started talking about our feelings too. She told me she wondered if a relationship between us would succeed, and i told her i had been wondering the same. We kept talking about it until we finally got to the point that we both confessed we had more feelings than friendship. During this phonecall my hart was beating like mad and i never felt so happy in my whole life the week after that conversation.
We had a few more very intimate phone calls and my feelings for her started to get more intense. By this time we had some moments together when she would just lay in my arms and i would just feel like i was in heaven.

She asked me if she had given me enough time since the first time she asked what i wanted from her, but i told her i still didn't know if i wanted to begin a relationship with her. I didn't think she was the ONE for me and i was satisfied with a friendship, though i always kept the option open for a relationship, just dreaming about how it would be.

Then the night came we kissed. We went to a bar with some friends and when everybody left, i decided to go with her to her home to talk some more...i couldn't resist going with her, i was addicted to her. At home she put me on the spot and told me she couldn't do it anymore. A friendship wasn't enough for her, she gave me the choice between a relationship or a friendship. Not something in between like what we had.

I asked her if we continued our friendship i could still hold her from time to time, if we could still have those intimate conversations and she told me no, she told me it would break her. Maybe i made the wrong choice then but i told her i wanted to go for it. I can't say i was 100% sure of it then (although i told her i was), but i just couldn't do without her love anymore. It was those phone calls and our intimacy that got me hooked on her, i didn't want to lose that.

Now more than a month has passed, we are still together, i’m still having doubts about my feelings for her and i told her about them, i said i didn't want to hurt her by leaving her. But by staying with her i might have to hurt her more in the future if it doesn't work out. That's exactly what's tearing me apart. If i try too look at it from a distance i *think* it's for the best if we went back to the friendship without the intimacy, but i'm not *sure* of it. I don't think i've given it a fair chance but i'm so afraid that if i go on with this for a while a will eventually destroy her totally. And i'd rather die than doing that.

Last night, the day after i told her about my doubts, she called. She said she only wanted to continue with me if i could throw my doubts overboard and go for it 100% (for real this time). She said if i couldn't do that she would start getting over it and never wanted to see me anymore not as a friend either. I told her i didn't want to lose her but i couldn't guarantee her it would work out, and she said she doesn't need that. The only guarantee she needs is that i'm willing to give it a fair chance, forget about my doubts and go for it. I told her i would, because she meant more to me than my family(which she does) and i couldn't live without her(which i can't).

I really think it can work out between us, i know she's just perfect for me. But the two main reasons i'm going on with her right now is because i live with the idea of losing her, and i can't hurt her. During last nights phone call she told me i had destroyed her and it broke me. I just felt such an egoist and now i want to make her happy again. I know i could spend a lifetime with her, i love her enough to say that.

So I made my decision, I’m giving myself to her. I’m giving it a fair chance. I got only one problem, i think she loves me more than i love her.I'm confused, i'm lost...i can't live with the idea of ending it right here, without knowing for sure i wouldn't have been happy with her. Knowing i might have spoiled her for the rest of her live if it ends here.

help me

[Illusional]

thus your help has come..or atleast i will give you my opinion. first off, there will usually be one person that loves another in a relationship. love has many different levels and being that one loves the other person is a quite common case. remember that she was the one that was sure about stsarting a relationship and unless you were ready to commit, then she didn't want to continue at the current pace. being that you weren't 100 percent sure of yourself, it is only natural that she will be more attacted to your than you are to her.

secondly, i believe that you should try and be happy with her. it's true that you might hurt her in the future or you might be the one getting hurt but nonetheless, life is a game in where everyone must take a chance. you've come this far and have obtain this amount in your relationship, why give up now? to have come this far only to give up is in my opinion, a waste. later your relationship might falter, or it might turn out to be the best thing that you ever had. you never know if she is the one or not, but what if she is? with love, you can never be sure and upon the pathes that you chose, you won't ever be sure until you get there. i would tell you just to chance what you have because you will only live once. being hurt is another part of life that everyone goes though and if she feels that she can't be friends with you because she needs time to get over you, if she gets hurt then so be it. give her what she needs because true friends will always find their way back reguardless of the ordeals that lifes gives them. trust me, i know. raverboy

[confusedBoy]

Ok, in my experience, if you really do feel like that with someone where your heart beats like crazy and you can just lie in each others arms for ever...............

Grab hold of the chance and never let her go, tell her what she means to you - because honestly, chances like this don't come along much - In the last 7 years, I've had about 10 proper girlfriends and only have I ever been like that with two of them. And once you lose them and still have feelings for them it is the worst you will ever feel in your life.

Don't let her go...............

[IceQueen]

You enjoy having her around because you are high on her affection. It flatters you. It doesn't mean you love her. You just love the feeling of being wanted. So, you're human, like the rest of us.


So you decided to "give" yourself to her? It sounds like you're sacrificing yourself (your happiness?) to her, or something. But as highly as you think of yourself, it won't cripple her "for the rest of her life" if you terminate the relationship.


It might cripple you, however, if you don't end it right now. I know you are feeling safe that she won't even look twice at another guy, since she's so into you. But, face it, you will never be happy with her, because you don't love her!


Being in a satisfying love relationship requires more than the love of one person. You are supposed to love her back, too. And however hard you tried to love her for the past year, it just ain't happening! Can't you see that? You can't make yourself feel differently about her.


If you want to do something for her sake, stop being friends with her. Stop snuggling her on the couch and giving her hugs. By that, you do nothing more than string her along and give her false hope. Get out of her face completely, and give her some time without seeing you every week (or even at all), so that she could get over her fruitless attraction to you and move on with her life.


So don't "give" yourself to her. Don't "give it a fair chance," because it's simply not worth it. It can only end in tears -- her realizing that you'll never love her the way she loves you, and your starting to resent her for "eating up" the best years of your life which you'll have wasted in this dead-end relationship. Ending it is the least painful way, because if you go along with it, you'll end up hurting both of you in the long run.

[Illusional]

[quote:3e097501b1="Barry2002"]This is my story:

During last nights phone call she told me i had destroyed her and it broke me. I just felt such an egoist and now i want to make her happy again. I know i could spend a lifetime with her, i love her enough to say that.


help me[/quote:3e097501b1]

hrmm...if you're willing to put all the time and effort into this relationship then i say go for it. but remember like what iceqeen said, it's true that you might just be high on her affections. i know where she is comming from because i love that feeling. it's a great or probably one of the greatest feelings in the world, but when you get hurt, it stayed with you for a longer duration. being that you feel that you're ready, you have to be sure that you want to start something that will probably last a life time. if it won't, then why bother even trying? sex is too casual these days. raverboy