Mixed signals from co-worker. Date or ignore ? I'm confused

[JazzyM]

I started a new job last September. I'm 39, my closest colleague is 12 years younger, very attractive and we begin working together successfully immediately. I have more experience in various fields of business than her but in this position, she is the expert and I respect her fully for that. Inevitably, I am attracted to her but for the reasons that she has a fiancé, is so much younger than me and that dating at work can cause many problems for everyone involved, I decide from day one that I can never ever be anything but professional and friendly towards her; no flirting, hitting on her or showing deeper feelings for her, should such develop. We've got a job to do, I can't risk ruining my new job, her work and the relationship setup she's already established just because I think she's hot. It'll be tough, but that's the way it's got to be.

1. Good phase - mixed up with a few odd negative moments

She, however, zooms in on me right from the start, at a very close level, closer than she shows any other co-worker and closer than I would expect from someone in her circumstances. I quickly become her hero, respected co-worker, advisor, helper and problem sharer. We laugh, work, party, develop new projects together and clinch one commercial success after another. Those are heady, happy days. We look good together. She helps me and is not afraid to ask my help, lobbies on my behalf and goes out of her way to make me an instantly welcome member of the office community. People are beginning to talk about "us". She invites my to a dinner party at her home - where people I don't know come up to me and introduce themselves, displaying obvious admiration about what they've heard about me from her.
I'm having a dead hard time sticking to my earlier moral decision, I'm very close to revealing my feelings for her on many occasions but...I stick to my guns. What makes me hold back is the fact that interspersed with her positive attitude towards me, are short, odd moments of cold, distant and sometimes hostile behaviour, that contrast very strongly to the "good" side. They don't happen at all often, and I usually brush them aside as moody exceptions to her otherwise fantastic outlook - but they are nevertheless very striking: without warning, she will suddenly for example freeze into stiff silence towards me during a business lunch, while still happily talking to all others present. I am suddenly for all purposes "not there". Another example: when she returns from a trip, I cheerily greet her in the corridor asking how it was - and am met with a rude dismissing comment while she blankly looks the other way. When going out for an after-work drink with all the office mates, she squirms very uncomfortably about having to accept a drink when it's my turn to buy the round...and then when its her turn to buy, enthusiastically asks everyone their preference but can hardly be bothered to figure out what I'm having. Very rude- you might say - but at this point I choose to ignore or gloss over these odd impolite moments.

2. Bad phase - but mixed up with a few very good moments

In the new year, everything changes. She pulls back, switches off and stops communicating except on the most minimal level. I've done one of her projects for her while she was on Christmas holiday - in line with how we have helped each other up to now - but receive no thanks whatsoever. She pulls back this and all the other projects we used to do together and runs them herself from now on. One of the projects needs extra overtime work and she goes around the office asking for help. I naturally offer to help (as I've always done), which now seems to make her extremely uncomfortable for some reason. Finally it is only with the greatest reluctance she lets me help her finish this job and I get the distinct feeling she was really annoyed with having me in the same room that day.
Where our interpersonal communication all autumn has been mixed up with personal bits of information, like what films we saw at the weekend, what music we like, shops and restaurants we recommend to each other - i e small talk - all this is suddenly now rudely cut short by her. Her body language is as cramped up and defensive as possible whenever I come close. Innocent jokes about work or other things, which used be the source of many shared laughs, are killed instantly by her in a deadpan way. When I mention a dinner I went to, where common friends were present, she interrupts me shrilly "I don't want to hear about your private life!!!".
She will readily endorse my business initiatives publicly at larger meetings where our boss is present, in a very generous way, but when in smaller project meetings, she now refuses to sit close to me, is contantly on edge, looks at me with blank fear when I say something, replies stiffly and non-committingly and runs out of the room as soon as meeting closes. And when talking to her 1 to 1 in her room she says as little as possible, as superficially as possible, avoiding eye contact.
I mention a new restaurant I've been to, to which she replies she hates the food there. The very next day I bump into her having lunch at that place.
When I meet her in the corridor just before a business meeting she's hosting and wish her good luck, her face screws up angrily and she growls as short a "thanks" as is at all possible. The very next day office colleagues tell me she's been going around saying how impressed she is with my latest work efforts. And so it goes on: the cold front is total, but suddenly she signals something very positive out of the blue - just like her positive phase was mixed up with bad moments last season.

3. Hot & cold, yes & no

The last week has been very extreme. On Tuesday my boss asks me to supply her with important business facts she needs to win a negotiation. Wednesday morning she's back and I ask kindly how did it go ? She visibly backs off a whole metre from me, looks really and troubled and says angrily "Err...yeah..well...yes...it will be....OK...of course...if......eh...all right, OK!" Then she doesn't speak to me for the whole day until at 4pm, when she suddenly swerves elegantly into my office, flutters her eyes, earnestly signalling that she wants to share her happiness for and hear my views on the massive impact one of our earlier co-projects has suddenly generated. She stares deeply into my eyes and looks, well....to put it bluntly: horny. Having been dismissed in the morning I am now completely bewildered about this afternoon come-on. My mind works at lightning speed how to deal with this moment and I tell myself to quickly adopt a neutral but confident posture, display a friendly smile and reply as slowly, calmly, carefully and non-intensely as possible "I thought it was a success - we did a good job, you me and the others. Now we must make sure the project continues that way, too". All during this I look her steadily into the eyes without blinking.

She melts! Her eyes go all glossy, she sighs happily, ruffles her hair, catches hold of the door not to lose balance and then wobbles off on shaky legs, Ally McBeal-like, almost banging into a wall. Ten minutes later, she calls me over to relay the contents of a totally irrelevant phone call, just to have me stand next to her again.

The next morning, we have our weekly staff meeting. For the first time in our "history" together, I am now certain that she signals attraction. She visibly flirts with me across the room all through the meeting. Taken at face value, there is no doubt whatsoever of what these signs mean. (Whether they are genuine or not is another thing)

Meanwhile, as part of my strategy to develop healthy contacts with some other co-workers, I've taken out another girl to see a film the week before. It was nice, and we are thinking of doing it again this evening provided I can reschedule another appointment. We decide to call each other later which she happily agrees to. My "hot & cold" colleague gets to hear about this movie date when we're all out at lunch together. Note: these two colleagues have no special relationship and don't usually do things together after work.

In the evening, when I call my "movie date colleague" to settle what we're going to do, guess what, my "hot & cold colleague" is right there with her! My movie date tells me that "hot & cold" has suddenly invited her to go see a concert the same evening! My "movie date" sounds slightly surprised at being "fought over"....while I just become totally baffled.

Now what on earth is all this about ?

The totally mixed up serving of disgust, admiration, indifference, lust, closeness, flirting, distance, equality, inequality, communication, silence, rudeness, approval and condescension I get is freaking me out, and wearing me down. The shift from positive and negative is particularly difficult to handle. I could understand it if we'd dated and it misfired, but that never happened!

Sometimes I feel she hates me, for some reason that I am not told - like I may have done something bad towards her without noticing it - and not getting to know the reason feels unfair. Sometimes I feel she dislikes me for no reason at all, which is also unfair. Sometimes I speculate that she really is very interested in me but that not getting a reaction (=due to my decision not to get involved) is what's making her angry. Sometimes I sense she's simply a manipulative person trying to provoke any reaction at all, switching between methods to find a "chink in the armor". Sometimes I feel it's not about me at all, I'm just someone who got in the way of her many moods.

But what's very certain, is that I'm now the only one in our 40 people office she acts this way towards. All the others are handled in a cheery, light, friendly, air-hostess way with lots of small talk. I get none of her small talk at all - which at least puts me in a unique position. But is that good or bad....?

[Illusional]

wow that was long..haha. considering what you have said, i believe that, indeed she does have her mood swings. she might take it out on you but what makes you different? i would think she takes out her stress on other co-workers including yourself. have you thought that maybe she takes it out on other, but from your point of view, you're only feeling that she takes it out on you because you might want it to appear that way? i know that you're interested in her but keeping it professional. now the slightest hint of interest from her direction would only give you a bigger interest to pay attention to the finer details. say for example when she came into your office at 4pm, then only calls you later just because she wants to you stand next to her. it might indeed appear that way, but is that the truth? she might have honestly needed something from you rather than just having your presence near her.

i'm not sure what this girl is doing, but i do believe that it's hard to understand because you are refraining from telling her how you feel. if i were in your shoes, i would think the situation itself is hard. she is already engaged, which puts her off limits. it's true that these things fall apart but are you willing to risk it? i personally would never date someone from my working place, but you're not getting any younger. moving is also another option. how are the situations when you and her are alone? do you still take out out to lunch and if so, what are they like? raverboy

[JazzyM]

Hi Raverboy thanks for considerate reply. See comments below

>what makes you different? i would think she takes out her stress on other co-workers including yourself. have you thought that maybe she takes it out on other, but from your point of view, you're only feeling that she takes it out on you because you might want it to appear that way?

- I see what you mean, but no, the weird aggro was pointed my way only as far as I could see. Our office is quite small and it's easy to hear how she interacts with others - there's no tense vibe with others at all.

>say for example when she came into your office at 4pm, then only calls you later just because she wants to you stand next to her. it might indeed appear that way, but is that the truth? she might have honestly needed something from you rather than just having your presence near her.

- Sounds logical but in this particular instant there was no "real need" to call me over, there was no actual question to settle or have my advice on. I definitely felt it was an excuse just to ask me in to her room

>i'm not sure what this girl is doing, but i do believe that it's hard to understand because you are refraining from telling her how you feel.

- I have said that I appreciate her very much as a colleague. I have also given compliments on her looks, all this she seemed to like - but I had never stated my true feelings for risk of upsetting too much. But some people say that these kind of feelings show anyway and that a girl can pick them up by intuition.

> how are the situations when you and her are alone?

- the alone situations are the ones that have been the toughest during the last weeks , in large groups she acknowledged me and even gave me credit for things but 1 to 1 she would treat me very cold and sometimes impolite.

> do you still take out out to lunch and if so, what are they like?

- I stopped that a while back because the vibe felt so awkward, I felt we could not relax together during lunchesany more. Then suddenly last week she invited herself to lunch with me and two other colleagues, and spent the whole lunch trying to make the best impression by chatting kindly, joking and being nice. Very odd

[Illusional]

being that she interacts with you different when others are around as being compared to when the two of you are alone, i would guess that she is only playing games. given that she is engaged, it might only add to another reason to have her fun before she settles down. being engaged is a big thing and i doubt many people would give it up just to start a new relationship. keep watching out for signals and keep me informed. raverboy

[JazzyM]

Thanks again raverboy.

Latest developments:

1. She has suddenly started behaving in what can only be called a jealous way. When I've gone out to lunch or seen a film with other female colleagues, she has been extremely curious, or invited herself along, or actually tried to "steal" my date on one occasion!! When I told some trusted female friends about this, they all said "SHE'S JEALOUS!!!"

2. At the same time, she's suddenly become "nice" again, both in public and private situations. This whole week she's been an ANGEL! Helping me, asking my advice, big smiles, shown she wants my involvement, communicated freely without any stilted moments, signalled definite closeness and been so damn nice. It hasn't happened in MONTHS! We're rolling again - workwise that is.

3. After all the ups and downs I've felt, last weekend I suddenly blanked out. My emotions just levelled out to some kind of numb zone. I guess I just got worn out emotionally and had to be put on hold for a while, to recharge my batteries. But that also made me feel like the crush had gone - suddenly I was not interested any more. It didn't seem important any more to try and figure out what she was feeling towards me. Can that happen so quickly over night ? My same female friends said "Come off it, you're still madly in love with her, it shows a mile off".

Raverboy, what is your take on all this ????

[Real Girl]

If you're the same Martin that posted on the niceguys forum, then I urge you to seek professional help.

If you aren't Martin, then please accept my apologies. Here's some advice: Dating people at work is not a good idea unless you are both interested in making a long-term match of it. If you can't see some very good potential for marriage here, or if you are simply uninterested in marriage, then I suggest you leave this alone. If you are looking for a more casual relationship, fooling around at work can get you into trouble *fast.*

I'd also suggest that you try to stop analyzing this woman's every move. You aren't a mindreader! I think at least some of the "signals" you make so much of are more in your imagination than anywhere else. Take a step back, focus on something else for a few weeks. Like work. Stop focusing so much on her; that could eventually become unhealthy for both of you.