Please help me! [Long Post]

[hommemysterieux]

Dear All,

Please forgive the long post. This post is helping me to understand the problems I'm facing as well as to ask for your advice.

I'm living with my parter of many years. She and I moved in together only recently. We've had a break in the past when she went through a spell of depression and wasn't sure if she loved me any more, but I nursed her through it and we got back together (even though I wasn't sure I wanted to get back together at the time).

I love my partner very much. We've been through so much together. Only yesterday I was reflecting on things looking through my photos and realised that almost every photo contains a memory of her. She's someone I feel very close to in many ways, but sadly distant from in many others.

I am absolutely terrified about the following things happening:

1] She is religious. I am not. All through our relationship, there has been no sex. Everything else up to the point of intercourse, but nothing else. For the first four years of our relationship, I never saw her naked. The emotional closeness but physical distance is very upsetting to me. Just prior to moving in, it seemed that she had changed her mind about this - that she did not object to sex on religious grounds but was terrified of the experience. She's now not sure anymore and I am terrified of staying committed to someone with whom after so many years I cannot seem to build either the lust or the trust to be fully intimate with her. Maybe she doesn't love me enough? If living together is supposed to be an indicator of married life, then I'll be going mad with celibacy for the rest of my life. I don't want to persuade her into a better sex life because it should be something that is spontaneous between two people. We have agonised over it for so many years that I don't think it will ever work out.

2] We have very different interests (but the same sense of humour - strangely enough). I am scared of ending up like my parents who both have very different interests and are still together despite living very separate lives.

3] I don't feel encouraged in anything I do outside of work. Any time I make any progress at work (more responsibility or an interesting new project), the standard question comes back: "Are they giving you a pay rise?". I'm worried about becoming a passionless wage-slave whose worth is measured only in terms of salary.

4] I must always take the vent for her emotions and mood swings. My mood swings and anger are given some time and then the subject is changed. I am starting not to share my feelings with her anymore because I don't think they have any merit. I do sometimes feel as though she is taking her day out on me. I don't want to be someone's emotional punching bag.

5] I'm not really sure what I stand for anymore. On the one hand I like being part of a couple. On the other, I feel a lot freer when I am away from my partner. I'm scared of losing my identity.

6] Marriage scares the hell out of me because I am not sure I could make a lifetime commitment to her. I don't know how we sould ever get married, seeing as I don't go to church and she does. We both want kids eventually, but I will not participate in their religious instruction. I'm not sure I'm happy being their strange Dad who never comes out with them to Church. How can we provide a united approach to parenting when our beliefs are so different?


I try to talk about this stuff, but get nowhere with my partner. She either doesn't want to talk or she hears what I say and does nothing. I am getting the feeling that I'm building a brick wall around my emotions.

I realise how much of a zombie I have become when I travel and expose myself to new things. My partner does not like to travel, so I usually go on my own. I feel more at peace when I am on my own.

I think something else that had terrified me is that I had never met anyone else. I never met anyone who measured up to my partner.

Recently, I met a girl at a party. We connected really big time. We didn't kiss, I'll never cheat and she knew I was with someone. She did ask me to look her up if I ever became available. She did ask me to forget she'd said anything the next morning. I'm not sure if she was regretful of what she said or if she just didn't want to break up a couple.

The thing about this encounter was that it reminded me what it felt like to feel a strong attraction for someone. I had forgotten almost completely what it felt like. This really woke me up - I don't think I feel strongly attracted to my partner anymore. I now have this terrible fluttering in my heart - this seems to me indicate that something inside me is starting to revolt at what is going on.

My major worries in life always seem to revolve around my relationship. I don't think anything else worries me in the same way. Maybe this is normal - I 'm sure I don't have the same things to worry about that a single guy has.

The last time we split, she was going through a depression. The only person she could talk to about all the suffering was me. The only person I could talk to about the hurt she was causing me was her (an a flatmate who was also going through a breakup). We go back such a long way and she feels so much a part of me that I would feel as though I was amputating a limb if we parted. She's really a treasure in so many ways, but I am so scared of not sorting out these big things and being miserable for the rest of my life.


Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

[squirrley]

ASK ICEQUEEN on this one, no doubt she'll have the answers for you...honest, she's good at analyzing stuff like this, hopefully she'll read it and give you advice, if not go to her journal...
you might that really helpful....

[dazedandconfused]

i have a couple of things to say, if you care:

1. if you're sure you want to stay with her, then working through your differences is a matter of time and effort. did your parents ever consider counselling? i know a lot of people are revolted by the idea of seeing a therapist, but i know for sure it works. if you set some time apart just to sit there and talk through your worries and all the problems, having someone with expertise in these matters, you will soon see how things are starting to clear up, problems aren't all that big and insurmountable and loving and living can once again be fun! all you need is someone to help you sort this through just because you feel like you want to be together but are not good at communicating or resolving conflict.

also, the fact that you have abstained from sex with her for such a long time is very important to her and to your relationship. it shows you care about her persona even more than your own pleasure. that's very generous of you. i don't know how passionate she is, but try to find out how interested is she in marital sex (if you haven't figured that out from the foreplay yet). chances are, she is just abstaining now, but she will like/love it - all women do!

liking someone else you had met at a party is normal just because you're used to this girl and this fresh experience gave you a boost, but this is probably just a spur-of-the-moment type of thing. if you love her, you will in a matter of a few days realize that the new girl falls short of the high standards you're used to 9set by your girl, of course). after you love the queen, settling for something less is not easy. it will be this way until she stops being your queen.

but, finally, maybe you did fall out of love with her. that's very possible and don't let your disamy at having second thoughts mislead you. after you spend a considerable amount of time with someone, you develop a bond, and breaking that bond is painful. you may not love her any more, but you still reminisce the good times you two had and - oh yes - the love that you two shared. but feeling bad from not having the feelings you used to have does not indicate the presence thereof! you feel sad that something good has ended/is about to end and that's normal. it doesn't mean you have to cling to it and not let it go even though you feel that you should let go...

anyways, look deep inside and try to see whether you love her or not. if you love her, you can overcome the difficulties with proper efforts and commitment. if you don't love her, then don't feel bad about it.