In love and in a mess!

[P1kaboo]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a relationship with this guy for almost two years, lets call him "tom". And well, we're serious and if all goes well we want to spend our lives together.
The issue is me, i'm very insecure, my first relationship was a abusive one(not physically but emotionally) I got into it when I was 16 and was in it for 3 years. The timing was awful, and I never got to enjoy anything, he always made me feel useless and worthless, he claimed he loved me but he sure had a funny way of showing, during this time I spoke to noone but him, and never got to party or get drunk, flirt with random ppl in clubs, hookups, all that stuff. A lot of ppl think i should be thankful I didn't do those things cuz u end up regretting it half the time, but I guess it goes the other way too :/ Finally I broke up with him, I suppose it was the built up rage that helped me take that step! as you can imagine I came out of it, with low self esteem, and insecurities.

Ok so back to tom, I'm crazy about him, but he's really smart and i constantly feel worthles around him, so I try to bring him down, he is a very secure person, and I dunno i'm jealous of that. Also in hs he got to a lot of fooling around, and he thinks that stuff is stupid and like i have moments when I want to just leave go to a club get wasted and sleep with random ppl. Of course I would never do this, but it makes me feel as if i'll better be able to deal with his past that way. Intellectually, I constantly feel inferior, and I feel liek he knows everything, so I try to pick an field where I could specialize, but he finds just that interesting, and does that in addition to everything else he is doing. I need my own specialty which will make me feel equal to him. Frustrated I just bring him down. I feel horrible and always apologize later.

Besides "get a therapist" is there anything i can do? Has anyone ever felt thsi way?
I know this was long and thanks for your input.

[tired-of-love]

Hey P1kaboo,
I know what you feel. I really do. It's not the exact same situation, but I know what you mean. I am very insecure and I bring "my Tom" down all the time because of that.
I think you should do whatever makes you feel better, and also Did you ever talk to him about it? I think if you did, he will understand, and maybe he could help you.
I can't really give you any more advice than that, but I thought it would be good for you to know that you're not the only one who feels like that.

[anachronistic]

he claimed he loved me but he sure had a funny way of showing, during this time I spoke to noone but him, and never got to party or get drunk, flirt with random ppl in clubs, hookups, all that stuff.

haha, the funny thing is, it isn't his fault that you 'couldn't' do these things; it is yours. Unless he forced you?

And I have never felt that way towards somebody I love. Are you sure you love him and want to spend your life with someone that you constantly feel this way towards?

You should tell him how you feel, without trying to 'attack' him. Just discuss it. Don't argue.

[Tiay]

your situation is completely foreign to me, but there are sure to be many people who feel the same way. I do often feel intellectually inferior to my bf.. but that's cos the guy has a sky high IQ, I mean he qualifies as a genius. I never try to bring him down.. quite the opposite. But, that said, I have my own thing, and he's like, "cool, I could never do that". he seems to master pretty much everything he puts his mind to, so he probably could do it (: but it really does help me feel good about myself. Hey, he's into me, so he must see something in me. and the same goes for you- intelligent guys go for smart girls. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't see something in you.

I definitely think you should explain about your past to him, so that he understands what's going on, and maybe he can then help give you space to develop your own speciality.

[The Great OV!!!]

How come feelings of being inferior as compared to someone are always connected with insecurity? Can someone give me a clear cut definition of "insecure" please?

By the way, I think you are just giving him to much credit or obviously giving yourself way to little credit. I am having a hard time trying to believe that all these girl here in lovefourm are dating some genius man. I thought it was always about having fun together and just enjoying each other's company?

[Tiay]

I wrestled with that for a while, OV.

insecurity and inferiority are linked. Insecurity is just that- not being secure in yourself; having constant doubts about your abilities.

If you repeatedly run a lap slower than another person, you will become insecure about your running abilities. But that's okay! it's just one thing. heck maybe that person has been training a lot longer than you have. And you still have other things which you're better at, so you can keep being confident in your abilities overall.

But if you're coming from an emotionally abusive relationship, where you were with a person who convinced you that you are worthless, can't do anything, should be thankful that the person is even putting up with you, etc, it's much harder to do that. It's much more likely that even when you've escaped from that bad situation, you'll still come up against that wall- 'hey, this person can do this and this and this and I can't do those things, I must be inferior to them'. And to add to that, emotionally abused people give up on themselves, they don't learn new skills because they are constantly told they'd fail anyway.

emotional abuse, bullying, etc. has a huge impact on people for the rest of their lives. Heck, I had a great upbringing, was never treated badly, but simply being the youngest sibling - and being homeschooled and living in the middle of nowhere and therefore not having anybody else to play with - meant that I was always the youngest, and that my brother was always better at everything, could do everything first, etc. That truly had and still has a big influence on me.
I shudder to think what the effect of being *really* bullied, really abused, is on a person.

[vashti]

I think you need to work aggressively on developing yourself as a person so you can take pride in who you are, thereby eliminating your need to be mean.

As for your bullying your guy - there is no magic formula for stopping. It is bad behavior, and you just need to knock it off, and this will probably be really hard for you since you already know he will tolerate it (at least for now).

[P1kaboo]

Thank you all for your replies!

lilwing…my ex did not allow me to do anything, I had become very dependent on him, and he knew he could control me so he told me I couldn’t speak to guys, let alone party!

My boyfriend now knows all about my past, and he is very understanding, I am not continually bringing him down, I have bouts though, and I tell him I’m sorry, and I even told him not to take me seriously when I say these things. But deep inside, I know it hurts him.

I do have a tendency to downplay my own abilities, cuz I focus so much on his.
Tiay thank you so much for your advice, and vashti I completely agree with what you said, I figure time is the only thing that will help, hopefully as I succeed I will be able to regain my selfconfidence.

By the way, where did you get your name vashti?

[vashti]

From the story of Queen Esther. I liked Vashti's character better, though. :-)

It was going to be either vashti or lillith.

[michaelmorgan]

I agree with the people above. You clearly know your issues, what made them up, so actually it's not rocket science to fix everything.
Unfortunately, you DO have unresolved emotions and traumas from that first relationship, regardless of the thing that you "moved" on. Your self esteem didn't, and this is completely emotional.
Dealing with an emotional burden can be done in various ways, but most of them assisted by a therapist. You can start on your own though, looking for "emotional freedom technique" or some NLP procedures, or some guided visualisation/hypnosis. I guarantee you that this will double the impact of whatever conscious measures you will take - like communication with tom, like consciously increasing your self esteem. Coming here on this forum must be the start of your journey towards a "you" that has been locked away for so long.
Careful with tom, i am amazed he didn't leave you until now. If you could only look at you through his eyes....

[P1kaboo]

Michael, I tried a therapist but that failed...all he would do is make me talk, and i'd ask him how do i solve this, he'd say well what do you think???
Also tried hypnotherapy, the tapes, not a person, and I I'd always fall asleep

Tom, well even i dunno why he's still here, but I'm beyond glad that he is. But i guess i'm not as horrendous a human bieng as I made myself out to be. I look up to him, because he is the person I want to be, everytime I have an idea he is supporting of it, and I really wanna be able to give him that. We are still in college, and he'll be going to law school in 2 years, and I really wanna be there for him instead of making his life miserable. So i'll just have to spend the next two yers going out of my way to better myself, and try to "look at myself through his eyes".

Vashti...I wasn't familiar with the story of Queen Esther but i googled it, and it's beautiful! I was most blown away by it's format!

[The Great OV!!!]

he'd say well what do you think???

lol

___________________

[Gigabitch]

Michael, I tried a therapist but that failed...all he would do is make me talk, and i'd ask him how do i solve this, he'd say well what do you think???::

Therapists are there to facilitate your growth, not pull out a magic wand and fix you. He should have been able to do a little better than, "What do you think", though.

What therapy should do for you is root out the cause of your insecurities, help you figure out how you allowed yourself to be in that first damaging relationship to begin with. All of the stuff you've got going on is probably coming from your childhood- not the high school boyfriend. he just took advantage of it.

For now, practice being independent and tell Tom that's what you're doing. Tell him it undermines your personal development when he comes in and steals the show. He sounds caring- I'll bet if he understood a little better what was going on with you, he'd be supportive.

People who aren't all messed up and insecure reeally can't understand it at all. It's like a foreign language. You have to explain it to him.

[P1kaboo]

Giga, I do have an idea as to how I became this way. By myself I tried to find out what made me vunerable to my ex, and I do understand it, but I think knowing what makes you the way you are, hardly helps you fix things! I mean after hs I got rid of my ex and all other ppl who treated me the way he did. That helped a lot! But I suppose it will take time for me to feel good about myself. I think I should have waited longer before dating anybody, but I met "tom" and before I knew it we were dating. I don't think I can tell him, lets end things and get back together when I'm all better!

[Gigabitch]

Well, it does sound like you're not really ready for him. Sometimes the timing just isn't right.

I hope you don't break his heart. He's really not going to understand all of this, but if you feel you can't explain it all to him, I think you're making the responsible choice.