Big Problem! Do I Cut Him Off Or Show Him Support?!! Help!!!!!

[LatiCheer7]

SUMMING UP MY SITUATION:
(if you want more details read the whole thing below.)

_ GREAT guy I want to end up with.
_ He's going though a lot of stress... when he doesn't everything else falls apart including us.
_ He's done this 3 times.
_ He needs my support

_ WHAT I WANT: To show him that he can't take me for granted but also to show him I will be there for him.

_ 2 OPTIONS:
A) I offer him my support, my friendship for the moment, but will that make me look weak?
B) I cut him off altogether to make a point & if he comes back I make him work for it.




THE WHOLE STORY:
I have been dating this guy for basically a year 1/2 now. He is a GREAT guy & I LOVE him so much, I want to marry him someday. I always had that feeling that he was The One (we're both gonna be 25.) Since day 1 we've gotten along perfectly, clicked right away & had the best friendship & the best chemistry. The bad thing is that this is long distance and will be for another year 1/2. He is very honest, so to clear some minds he is not a cheater or a liar & yes I'm sure.

All the hardships we've had come from the distance and we've been on & off 3 times already! Which isn't good. He seeks me out & pushes me away. When we don't talk he misses me so much but when we do he takes me for granted, and he feels terrible about it (he's a very gentle person, very in touch with his feelings.) Every time we break up it's because he's all confused. He's a very ambitious person doing 30 things at once & he gets overwhelmed. He's working 2 jobs & taking an MCAT class that's VERY demanding & I know he's really scared about the exam & getting into med school. He's wanted to be a doctor his WHOLE life this is very important to him.

He's bad at handling everything & when he gets overwhelmed it's like everything else falls apart. It seems to be more about stress than commitment though. This last break up he wasn't originally breaking up with me that day but telling me how he felt (except he was using the same words as before so I got mad and thought "not again!") Right now he just doesn't have time for a relationship & all this stress is making him question all sorts of things, including me, how he feels about me. He says "the excitement" isn't there anymore... but I think that that's the kind of thing that could be brought on by concerns always on the mind, stress... I live far & he's a HOT guy... it'd be much easier for him to get a local girlfriend so I know he cares about me. He can't be the sort of boyfriend he wants to be. Taking a break in our relationship because it's a crazy time for him (& me) would be fine if he could just stick to it. It's like he really wants to be in this relationship so he'll come back thinking positively, then once he's in it he feels guilty about not having time for me, not enough time to study... gets overwhelmed & blows up.

I spoke to his mom who advised me to give him my support. He needs a friend right now not a girlfriend she said, at least until he takes his exam. But I want to be sure of his feelings for me! One minute he tells me "there is no doubt as to how I feel about you, it's YOU, you are so wonderful & this & that..." and a MONTH later he's like "I have these doubts.... my life's just not what it should be right now..." I think he feels guilty & inadequate in general.. unhappy with himself. Like many people our age we feel like we should be getting our act together, things started... and if you don't you feel like crap about it & get grumpy with everyone around. Again BELIEVE ME I've been with my share of bad guys & he is not one of them. He is VERY honest, he's just the biggest teddy bear.

So all this brings me to my question: Do you think it would be better to call him & offer him my support or to follow my original plan to just cut him off.

If I offer him my support it makes me look like the bigger person to him & makes me look good to his mom, and in this case we don't stop talking. We can just be "friends" (as in taking time off from the relationship, TRULY getting to know each other & actually this way forming a stronger relationship) for a long time, which takes the drama out.
But will coming back make me look weak? Like he can do whatever & I will never leave? Plus how will I know his true feelings for me? I feel taken for granted here.

If I follow my original plan I look strong & like he can't take me for granted. If he came back I wanted to make him work for it for a long time, and then just be friends for a long time, so he appreciates what he has & doesn't pull that crap again. You can't miss something if it's always there right?

So I'm not sure what to do. I want to show him that he can't take me for granted, but I want to show him I will be there for him. I want to be sure of his feelings, and I want HIM to be sure of his feelings.
His mom was like "you have to truly understand the person you are with ... so think about it." Basically what I have to do for him right now is be understanding of what he's going through & show him support. And she seems to know him REALLY well.

What do I do??

Thanks!




SOME GOOD POINTS BROUGHT UP PREVIOUSLY:

"I choose option A.... no it won't make you weak, but you have to let him know that you will support him, but you just want to keep the relationship to a friendship level.... let him finish what he has to do and then think about what you guys want to do with your lives.... believe it or not you have to work in Relationship... I've been married for 8 years (not that I am an expert in relationships.) My husband and I had a similar situation, but I was patient with him and we worked out our differences and now it's great.... Relationships are all about communication...and work....
If he continues to do this thou...then I suggest take option B"

"He seems to be taking advantage of you ALWAYS being there for him. Showing your support is a very loyal thing to do, but letting someone walk all over you is very weak. You guys should break up, he has a lot going on right now, and he doesn't seem to have the time or effort to put into a real relationship. He might be a great guy in the long run, but he's not being a great guy right now."

"yes I still hold to what I said about cutting him off. And unfortunately you'll have to completely cut him off. He needs to focus on his career and himself and straighten things out. Just as you do. You two live apart which should make things easier for you but of course overall won't be easy. Although you two will be 25, you need to experience more of life, of other people. Ya ok so he may end up dating other women and you may be at home not dating anyone or vice versa. But you can't sit around and wonder what the other is doing. You two need space, time to think about things, get your lives to where YOU want them to be. And if down the road, when things are less hectic, then get together and reanalyze things. You guys may end up saying, the break was good and I don't want to get back together. Or you both may end up missing each other completely and get back together. But there is a chance that one may want to get together and the other might not want to. But in the end, you would have done what you wanted for your life."

[surferdude9371]

it doesnt make you look weak at your age im guessing your wanting a husband? what better way to show you love him than to support him. if you arent emotionally strong tell him you need a few days break away otherwise support him. think what youd want him to do if the rolls were switched and do that.

[LatiCheer7]

it doesnt make you look weak at your age im guessing your wanting a husband? what better way to show you love him than to support him. if you arent emotionally strong tell him you need a few days break away otherwise support him. think what youd want him to do if the rolls were switched and do that.

Thanks. I was reading your topic & as you see I am in the same situation. So I do want to support him... I just don't want him to go back & forth. I just want to be sure this is what he wants in which case I can definitely be supportive. He doesn't want to stop talking & each time I'd say ok but this time I said no.
Still trying to figure it out.... I want to follow your advice, I just don't want to be taken for granted

[Gigabitch]

If you truly want to support him, don't do anything major until he takes the MCAT.

Then, open the floodgates. Not only is he being a crappy boyfriend, he's being a great big baby in general. Sounds like his mom is part of the problem. Also, his lack of backbone, consideration for you, or awareness that he is not the center of the Universe may be contributing factors.

Tell him that you are in no way going to accept being jerked around like this EVER again. Tell him that if he wants to lean on you, he needs to stop kicking you out from under him.

He sounds like a whiny little bitch to me.

[Gigabitch]

ALso: Go and delete the two identical threads you posted on this subject or people will be mean to you about it. It doesn't really matter which forum you post it in- everybody looks at everything, so everyone will see it here.

[LatiCheer7]

ALso: Go and delete the two identical threads you posted on this subject or people will be mean to you about it. It doesn't really matter which forum you post it in- everybody looks at everything, so everyone will see it here.

I posted it in both the guys & girls ones to get both opinions... and yes i know the general one too..

[Rob26]

Actually, I don't read everything. Often I read only the "Ask a Male" forum.

I'd like to know what you mean by ending the relationship and just being a friend? Since it's all long-distance, how would those 2 things be different?

Second, if he's ever said anything like "the excitement isn't there anymore" then I would move on because the future doesn't look good. You ARE aware of the long history of throwing over wives and girlfriends who have stuck by their boyfriends thru medical school, right?

[Gigabitch]

Actually, I don't read everything. Often I read only the "Ask a Male" forum.

You don't just hit the New Posts link right away?

Second, if he's ever said anything like "the excitement isn't there anymore" then I would move on because the future doesn't look good. You ARE aware of the long history of throwing over wives and girlfriends who have stuck by their boyfriends thru medical school, right?

Oh, my God. That's a very good point.

[stubborn85]

I am going thru the exact situation like you are right now, but mine is actually worse because we been together for more than 3 years. I supported my boyfriend through MCAT and acceptance to a med school. And now he told me that he doesn't know if I am the one...because I am his first girlfriend...I tried to stick with him and work it out because he was so stressed out with school and everything. Honestly you guys will be going in circles and the end the only person that is going to get burned is you trust me... I'm burned and there is not one day that I don't felt being betrayed. I understand you love him and I still love mine too but you just have to suck it up and realize if this is meant to be it will happen (cheesy I know). But dont' try to be friends with him if you still have feelings for him like that because then he will think that you will always be there and take you even more for granted.

[Illusional]

haha i read the short version....

bottom line, you're wanting to teach him a lesson so do it.

i'll read the long version later.. maybe.

raverboy

[vashti]

I can't imagine that anyone going into medical school would be a very good proposition as a boyfriend. He simply won't have time for you, regardless as to how much he cares about you. Unless you are EXTREMELY independent and secure, you probably won't be getting your needs met.

If you really care about him, though, I'd wait until after the MCAT to do anything big.

[Charlie Boy II]

guys this thread was started in March this year. That makes all your well-meaning advice rather redundant

[Illusional]

dammit... which stubborn ass brought this thread back.. it should've remained in the graves...

raverboy

[vashti]

Grr... we need some sort of way to lock threads that haven't been posted in for a month or so...

[IndiReloaded]

I am going thru the exact situation like you are right now, but mine is actually worse because we been together for more than 3 years. I supported my boyfriend through MCAT and acceptance to a med school. And now he told me that he doesn't know if I am the one...because I am his first girlfriend...I tried to stick with him and work it out because he was so stressed out with school and everything. Honestly you guys will be going in circles and the end the only person that is going to get burned is you trust me... I'm burned and there is not one day that I don't felt being betrayed. I understand you love him and I still love mine too but you just have to suck it up and realize if this is meant to be it will happen (cheesy I know). But dont' try to be friends with him if you still have feelings for him like that because then he will think that you will always be there and take you even more for granted.

Despite the age of the thread, your post is new. You should know its common for ppl to split during the university/professional training years. Esp when one is going to college & not the other. Ppl get opened up to new intellectual world/ideas & sometimes grow apart. Often, academics & professionals are attracted to others who think similarly. Or sometimes the non-college partner gets insecure or jealous of the other. Nothing you did wrong, just how it goes.

Its a rare partner who realizes that, often, someone who is NOT an academic/professional can provide an 'anchoring' influence that is extremely valuable to the other partner. Sometime, you get lucky in this regard, sometimes not. Good luck.