I'm not physically attracted to my girlfriend

[jackson25]

Hello everyone,

I need everyones help. I really don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend but I'm not physically attracted to her. Shes great in so many ways, but I have no desire to make love to her. What is odd, is the fact that she if beautiful and people are always commenting on how pretty she is. So its not like shes not attractive, but I just prefer a smaller frame person. Its not like she is obese, but she is a bigger woman than I usually go out with. Some would ask, then why are you with her. Well I loved her personality more than her body. I feel like I'm putting conditions on my love for her. She complains that we don't sex enough. When this happens I very gently tell her that if she were to lose weight that I might be more in the mood. Well after years of this there has been little change. I have told her straight out, I would be more attracted to you if lost weight. Again, I should love her no matter what size she is right? We currently live together and have been for a few years now. On one side I think I would be a fool to leave this woman b/c she is great in so many ways and I will never find anyone like her. On the other hand, how can I continue to be in a relationship where I'm not attracted to my partner. I'm also afraid that I leave her and I realise it was a mistake afterwords. I mean she wants to get married and have kids. How can I marry someone I'm not physically attracted to. Plus, if I think shes overweight now, what happens when she has kids.

So as a side note. I met a girl recently. She seems like the perfect girl for me. I don't know her very well, so it is foolish to make that comment. However, you know when you meet someone and there energy is just so great. Your just vibing off each other. Well, that doesn't happen too often for me. I cannot get this girl out of my head. I would love to just get to know her. I'm in complete lust for her right now. Why cant I find a girl who I lust for and love at the same time. Look, I know this other girl could be just insane but just the fact that shes in my head as much as she is makes me think I shouldn't be in a relationship.

Ok...sorry to ramble and jump all over the place. So basically I need advice on what should I do with my current girlfriend. She is defintelly one of a kind and I love and care for her immensly but I'm not just not physically attracted to her. What a delima. Any suggestions?

[hi2u]

just go with your heart... if you dont think you can do it then dont, lots of people can bond but you gotta have the love and i personally dont think you have the love for her... you might love her but your not in love with her.

dont take my advice really though lol, im in a lust sitution i think to
just gotta do what u think is right man thats what im gonna do

[Ellynn]

If your not attracted to her then let her go. I think you'll find out later in life that looks are just superficial. But for right now, they do play a part in any relationship. If its affecting you sex life, it will effect other things as well eventually.

Honestly, in your mind, you have already moved on and are interested in someone else.

If you aren't 100% sure you want to settle down w/ your gf or aren't satisfied, then go and find what you are looking for.

Your gf deserves to be with someone who loves her unconditionally and does not abstain from sex because secretly he's not attracted. If my bf felt like this, I would want him to let me go. Because, in the long run, you will either make her miserable or you will end up cheating.

[vashti]

I agree with Ellynn. Let her go. It is selfish of you to prevent her from finding someone who loves her entirely, and a constant stream of criticisms about her body isn't helping anything. I think it is best to look at people "as is" and not try to pester them into being something they aren't.

[Tiay]

in the long run, you will either make her miserable or you will end up cheating.

that is SO true.
I know it sounds like a superficial issue to have.. but you gotta be attracted to your partner in a sexual way! that's a huge deal.

How's your own shape?
I ask because my bf is really fit, and frankly if I let myself go, I'd feel guilty. I find it hard to believe that she's the overweight one, while you're not at all, and yet she feels no pressure there.
Heck, a really big reason why i'm exercising and changing my diet right now is to make myself attractive for my bf, to show that i'm the type of person that can take care of myself, make good choices and be healthy, etc. It goes so much deeper than weight.
anyway, maybe if you start getting into shape yourself, she'll join in; OR, if you're already really fit.. well, maybe she feels like she's so far behind she'd just make a fool of herself to you if she tried... ie, you'd be jogging laps and she'd be hanging behind panting. not motivating at all!

either way, this has to come to a conclusion, cause the way it is, you'll just gradually eat away at her self-esteem, and the sex situation certainly wont get any better either.

[Converse]

Tell her to stop eating too much lolz1111!!

[jackson25]

that is SO true.
I know it sounds like a superficial issue to have.. but you gotta be attracted to your partner in a sexual way! that's a huge deal.

How's your own shape?
I ask because my bf is really fit, and frankly if I let myself go, I'd feel guilty. I find it hard to believe that she's the overweight one, while you're not at all, and yet she feels no pressure there.
Heck, a really big reason why i'm exercising and changing my diet right now is to make myself attractive for my bf, to show that i'm the type of person that can take care of myself, make good choices and be healthy, etc. It goes so much deeper than weight.
anyway, maybe if you start getting into shape yourself, she'll join in; OR, if you're already really fit.. well, maybe she feels like she's so far behind she'd just make a fool of herself to you if she tried... ie, you'd be jogging laps and she'd be hanging behind panting. not motivating at all!

either way, this has to come to a conclusion, cause the way it is, you'll just gradually eat away at her self-esteem, and the sex situation certainly wont get any better either.

I'm in great shape. Working out has been a hobby for me for 5 years. I love a woman who is in great shape. She doesn't push herself physically the way I do. Shes content being overweight. Maybe she just needs to find a guy who thinks shes perfect the way she is.

[Tiay]

I can't imagine anybody being *completely* content with being overweight- even with nobody else involved, there'd always be a niggling feeling of self doubt. Even more so I can't imagine anybody being content with their overweight- or even just average- bodies if their partner works out a lot. I bet she secretly feels like she wants to get in shape.. but doesn't know where to start, and is scared of looking silly in front of you.

for instance, my boyfriend does yoga. His parents have been doing it for years and are really good, too. that's all great, but it's really hard to get into the same league as that. Any progress I make doesn't seem like progress because everyone's been there already. It's almost humiliating in a way, though that's too strong a word.
He even gave me a really nice yoga video. But it still feels like "his skill" somehow, and that makes it de-motivating.

[Glyph]

Sexual attraction is part of relationships, at least at this age. If it's not there, then you don't have a complete relationship. It's as if you've got a very lovely hat that, despite the quality, just doesn't match your suit. It doesn't work.

Let her go, if you care so much about her, and find someone who wants the whole package.

[vashti]

I can't imagine anybody being *completely* content with being overweight- even with nobody else involved, there'd always be a niggling feeling of self doubt. Even more so I can't imagine anybody being content with their overweight- or even just average- bodies if their partner works out a lot. I bet she secretly feels like she wants to get in shape.. but doesn't know where to start, and is scared of looking silly in front of you.

for instance, my boyfriend does yoga. His parents have been doing it for years and are really good, too. that's all great, but it's really hard to get into the same league as that. Any progress I make doesn't seem like progress because everyone's been there already. It's almost humiliating in a way, though that's too strong a word.
He even gave me a really nice yoga video. But it still feels like "his skill" somehow, and that makes it de-motivating.

You obviously don't have many black people in Ireland. They are blissfully accepting of their bodies, whatever the shape. They have not been trained to hate themselves the way white women have.

[Gribble]

The girl I'm semi-dating back home is black, and I can tell you that ain't so. She looks great to me, but she's always going on and on about losing weight.

In fact, it isn't so with any of the black women I know. They all fuss over their bodies to some extent.

[weirdy]

Ok...there's sth pretty weird about this story, jackson25.
I could understand if you have a doubt like that at the very begining of the relationship...but you guys are together for a couple of years? I just can't understand how did you put up with this feeling for so long. Ok, she has a perfect personality, but still.. She could just have been your best friend from the begining, why it evolved into sth more? Is it because everybody else were saying how beautiful she is?

Btw, I think that, if you really care for her, you should be honest to her and yourself, and let her go. You should have done that long time ago.

And, when that happens, and you end up with that physically attractive one, don't be suprised if your ex suddenly loose all that extra weight (she meets the perfect guy, the one that wants the whole package, so she finnaly feels fulfilled and stops with filling her void with late night snacks).

[Charlie Boy]

"ding" - there you have it. I knew sooner or later one of the posters would blame you for your girlfriend's weight problem. You see, now you know, your girlfriend's pudginess is a result of her overeating from personal unfulfillment which is a result of your poor treatment of her. It's so clear now, isn't it?

[vashti]

The girl I'm semi-dating back home is black, and I can tell you that ain't so. She looks great to me, but she's always going on and on about losing weight.

In fact, it isn't so with any of the black women I know. They all fuss over their bodies to some extent.

Really? Maybe they are different in California, or maybe things have changed since I moved into the mini-aryan nations 13 years ago. There aren't too many black people here, and the ones I know have major issues with their hair, not their bodies.

Anyway, I don't think it is Jackson's fault his girlfriend looks.... however she looks. I think he just needs to accept her as is, or move on.

[Gribble]

Although when I think about it, the black women who are overweight do seem to have more self-esteem than their white counterparts. So maybe you're right.