What would you do?!

[carbon]

Would you start a relationship with someone new if you feel you're still not over your ex?

I have fried my brain - the emotional part anyway - thinking about this for the past week and was hoping for some advice. Thanks!

Situation:
The ex and I broke up 3 years ago (I know..) and I still have feelings for him (I know..). For the past 3 years the ex and I have TRIED to be friends, but things haven't been pretty..basically talking on and off with off periods lasting for months to half a year (CRAZY, I know), i.e. we have not had a regular, stable friendship by any standards. I've dated somewhat during this time, but never REALLY LIKED anyone. This changed about two months ago when I began hanging out with a guy and I'm really beginning to fall for him, i.e. this is the FIRST GUY I HAVE TRULY LIKED since breaking up with my ex 3 years ago.


Problem:
I am undecided (read: TORN) about whether I should take the relationship with the new guy to the next level and commit, because I feel like it would be unfair to him, since I still have feelings for my ex. I haven't talked to the new guy about taking our relationship to the next level (so in the end, all of this may not be a problem at all), but I don't want to talk to him without myself being open to entering into a relationship, if that's what he wants that too. Basically, I don't know what I want. I would like to start a relationship with the new guy, but at the same time, in my heart of hearts, I want a second chance with my ex.

I'm confused becuase I don't know why I'm still hung up over my ex when he has HURT ME so much in the past, and continues to do so (He doesn't do things to hurt me on purpose. Rather, the things he does hurts me..if that makes any sense). Does this mean I'm still in love with my ex? If this is true, there is no way I can be in a relationship with the new guy and be fair to him.

So which one of the two is possible? I'm pretty sure that if I ask the new guy to commit to a relationship, he will. And the ex? Well I don't know. Everytime I become somewhat distant from him, he makes the effort to talk to me again. Case in point: I haven't been talking to my ex much since hanging out with the new guy (and because the ex PISSED ME OFF the last time we hung out) and he contacted me a few weeks ago, asking why I don't talk to him anymore, and even said that's fine if I prefer it. OF COURSE I DON'T PREFER IT. What I PREFER is another chance with him...well that was true until about 2 months ago. Now, I don't know what I want.

I know people are going to say my ex just wants to string me along, but I honestly know he cares. He is just afraid of something - me, himself, a relationship, a relationship with me, etc. I've tried to play with the scenario of what if both my ex and the new guy wants to be in a relationship with me, then which would I choose? I honestly DON'T KNOW. There is so much about my ex that I like/admire and he understands A LOT about my "essence." And the new guy? I really like (read: REALLY LIKE) the person I have gotten to known so far and would like to know him on a deeper, more intimate level (hence my dilemma).

I guess I could just get into the relationship with the new guy and see where things take us, but there are many problems with that scenario: 1. I don't know if I can EVEN do that since I still have feelings for my ex. 2. What if things go really well with the new guy..I'm stuck in the position of "What if?" "What if I had talked to my ex and we took a second chance?...would things have turned out differently?" I know I am overthinking, but I have a feeling the new guy really likes me and I don't want to hurt him. Furthermore, I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to put myself into the situation where things are going well with new guy, but I feel something is missing/think about what a second relationship with ex would be like. Would ex still be around? If I break up with new guy and then get back together with ex (I'm pretty sure the light bulb would turn on by then and the ex would want to try again), and find out WE SUCK TOGETHER, and I want to get back with new guy, would he give me a second chance? Ok, I know, I AM CONFUSING. I AM OVERTHINKING. I can't help it. Also, I might be sounding very selfish - "I want this, I want that, I want all the possibilites.." In the end, I just want to be happy and not to hurt anyone, including myself. Ok, PLEASE knock some sense into me. =(

On the other hand, I could give my ex the ultimatum of relationship or nothing at all and see what he says and take it from there, but at the same time, I don't know if he even deserves an ultimatum. Why? 1. I think I really want to give the new guy a chance. 2. At some level, I hate my ex for all the hurt he has caused and I think I just want him as a friend, if at all. (Yes, I know, such a love-hate relationship. I suspect that is why I cannot let go.) 3. Sometimes, I think all my ex and I could EVER have is a friendship, even though we both want a relationship since our personalities suck together 4. I am afraid of being hurt by ex again. But as the saying goes, nothing ventured nothing gained. During the times that are good, I mean GOD IT IS GREAT (and I don't just mean sex). During the times that are bad, I literally feel like SH*T.

Ugh, I know, I am going in circles. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry if this is more drama than necessary. I really don't mean to be dramatic. I really just don't know what to do. Any advice or SMACK OVER THE HEAD would be great.

[clynn]

Go for it with the new guy.

While you're seeing the new guy refuse all contact from teh ex, it'll only mess things up for you.

[Tiay]

it sounds like you're not sure if your relationship with your ex could be much better if you got to try it again. But you can't rewind time- you've already hurt each other now!
If you cut off contact with him and get involved with the new guy, you will eventually move on.

[Charlie Boy]

Carbon that puppy has ringworm. If you take it home there's a good chance that you'll also get the worm. Leave it in the shop window from some other bleeding heart. Anyway, the backyard of your soul isn't big enough for it to run around in. And I'll be the one who ends up feeding and walking it. I'm afraid my answers "no" this time.

[Tiay]

wtf was that, charlie?

[anachronistic]

i wait atleast a month before even thinking about moving on; things could heal, you could get back together, you might not get back together and be really hurt, you might not even like them and just want to be with someone, there's just so much stuff that can interfere and make it turn into a mess.

my advice: keep waiting. i don't think you're ready to go out with another person yet.

[clynn]

You ex is crazy and toxic and no good for you!

[Tiay]

i wait atleast a month before even thinking about moving on..

you did? .. Anyway, she did wait.. she waited three years!

[TDurden]

You need closure. I'd say just be completely honest with your ex about everything including any worries or doubts. See how he responds and move forward from there.

[carbon]

I know my ex is toxic for me, but I (perhaps stupidly) cling on to the hope that things will be different if we try again. Do i have reason to believe he has changed? Yes. We were young and foolish the first time around.

The major problem is that I don't want to live in regret. I don't want to ask myself down the road, "what if i had been the bigger person and talked to my ex about getting back together"

[Tigger_]

hmmmn, strange scenario... ur obviously very confused...

id say u cut contact with the ex and start something with the new guy (although take it a bit slow)... ur ex has hurt u enough and he doesnt deserve another chance... and please, stop thinking so much... you're turning ur world into too many "what ifs"... you'll always be regrettin any decision u make if u think like that... girl, even with the new guy, you'll have some problems, but that doesnt mean u start wondering "what if id given my ex a chance"... every relationship has problems, and has good times... and as with most good relationships, they need compromises and sensible people, not people who live in the past...

at the end, its always ur decision, but whichever u take, please remember that either way you'll always wonder if ur other choice wouldve been better... thats no way to live... be happy with the decisions u make... live life in a positive way... look for the future rather than the past...

GOOD LUCK...

P.S... what was that charlie??? please elaborate... im sure in ur dark and twisted mind, u made sense somewhere, but im not that far-fetched... lol