Married, but in love with someone else

[Gigabitch]

First of all, be open minded when asking for advice. You don't have to take it, but you don't have time to be slap-fighting with people about the way they've said something. It's a distraction. You have an emergency, and you've asked for help. Take it.

My advice: You need to make a decision about whether or not you should stay in your marriage. I suggest making the decision, and then don't act on it. Let it sit for a while, and see how it fits. You've been doing this for thirteen years. A few more months won't kill you.

It sounds like you're in a hurry to grab up this guy before some other woman does, and you're willing to get divorced to do it. That is so Desperate Housewives. I understand the desire, but I want you to hear this: no man is worth changing your standards for. If you're contemplating things that you would never normally do, you'll regret them.

I think you're pretty firmly in place as The Martyr in your marriage. Think long and hard about how it would feel to be the Bad Guy.

And what about the hard, cold reality of economics? Are you ready to support yourself? Do you think you could get a fat divorce settlement out of your husband if you decided to leave him? He sounds like the kind of guy who might dedicate the rest of his life to punishing you. Don't bank on your high school friend. If you do this, you have to be ready to face the possibility of doing it alone.

I got divorced last year after being with someone for 11 years and being The Martyr for the entire duration. I am now back with an old flame. I am sympathetic to your situation, and familiar with some of the potential pitfalls. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss, but not if you want to argue. I got enough of that from my ex.

[MVPlaya]

Chaining yourself to a marriage you're unhappy with "for the sake of the kids" is not the best of moves. I've seen some kids be really hurt by a divorce because the parents were so hateful and embittered to one another that the children were used as weapons by both sides, and I've seen mature divorces where the parents amicably, or at least not viciously, split, and didn't let their divorces affect their children.

No one can tell you what to do in terms of your flame or other passions in life, thats up to you, but you need to ask this to yourself: do you still want this marriage?

It seems like a natural progression in any marriage to still love one another, but not be in love. In fact, biochemically, thats the end result of all long lasting relationships, dopamine levels subsided, and passionate romance gives way for a calmer form of love. Not being in love like you can feel at the earlier parts of a relationship, or during infatuation, is not a sign a marriage is dying.

You have to ask yourself whats keeping you with him, besides the children, and whats making you want to leave, and then, carefully, make a decision. You only live your life once, so you can't live it all to meet other people's expectations, you have to meet your own.

[cheeze_guy]

you know this just makes me wonder like is it really possible to have everlasting love? I know you have to work at relationships but I mean what happens when only 1 person is doin all the work... you break up I really don't think that love can last forever unless both people are so madly in love with each other that afteer a hundered years its still like they had just started dating...
I know im a little off topic but its really weird because my mom she was marreid to my step-dad for like 15 years they loved each other but he really wasn't the nicest guy all the time and I mean i am being nice because he really wasn't that nice and he said some pretty mean things about my mom... anyways my mom stuck with him for I'd say about 2 years of bullshit where she just tried to make it work and he was too lazy and drunk to do anything with himself so it just fell apart. I know that love is a fragile thing and I also know that my "dad" was lucky to have a woman put up with so much shit especially when he was so fat and shit and my mom is a lot younger and beautiful. I guess what I'm getting at is that even tho my mom tried so hard to stay together for the kids that me, my brother and my sister knew things were ****ed up and my dad was always treaing us like shit... he loved us but I mean it was clear that if he could he'd get rid of us and be with my m om alone he would. I'm older now (22) and I am going through a break up with my girlfriend and I knew things were goin bad about 5 months ago and we tried to make it work well the truth is she did everything she could and I jst stayed the same If i think about it now I know that even though I'm glad I had a chance to try to make better I didn't take her seriously or take the relationship seriously enough so it just got crazy and now she doesn't love me anymore which makes me sad obviously i was with her for 3 years but at the same time I would rather us be truly happy then only one of us happy and If you are as unhappy as u say then the chances are your kids know it i mean unless they are under 12 but staying together for the kids is weak and I think that if you are unhappy only u can make yourself happy again and whatever way u do to make yourself happy you should especially if you wouldnt cheat just talk to the guy if you are serious! otherwise make it work with your husband but just remember that a husband is just a boyfriend with a ring!

[vashti]

I agree that staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad idea when one or both people lack the ability or willingness to behave decently, which would include no martyr syndrome, no anger and/or hostility, no pity parties, etc.

[Junket]

but when he told me he "liked" me, I was too afraid that if it didn't work out I would loose him as a friend, and I wasn't about to let that happen, he meant the world to me

My girlfriend almost made this stupid mistake.

Thing is, she would've lost me anyway if she tried to be "just friends".

Girls are so dumb about that stuff.

[cherrydaveney]

I don't know...but I'm in love with a married woman...she's still 25..so I bet..we could be together......


in your case...it depends upon the spark between you and your highschool friend....you see, if you don't want to be with him anymore...then...plan a divorce...your husband will surely be happy about it...'coz he's just waiting for your decision.......

if the spark had already developed(i mean intimacy between you and your friend..)..then you could be with him...just do the divorce...