Married, but in love with someone else

[3spoiledpups]

Hi All,

I am new here and looking for advice. I have been married for 13 years to a man that has not always been to good to me. I have stayed in the relationship for the kids and have always been very faithful even though I haven't always been happy. He on the other hand, has cheated on me numerous times, and I always have taken him back. There is no passion between us, it is just comfortable so we stay together. We love each other, but I not sure we are in love anymore?

I have always kicked my self in the butt for not pursing a relationship with my best (guy) friend in High School. We were always together, the best of friends and really close, but when he told me he "liked" me, I was too afraid that if it didn't work out I would loose him as a friend, and I wasn't about to let that happen, he meant the world to me. He went on to get married to a girl that didn't understand we were just friends, and we weren't allowed to hang out and be friends anymore. I really missed him over the years, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

His wife died suddenly about 8 months ago, and we have since started hanging out a little bit. I think he is starting to be ready to move on with his life, as he seems to be getting pretty close to one of our old friends who is going through a divorce. I want so badly to be with him, but I don't want him to think cheating on my husband is something I normally do. In fact I wouldn't cheat, I would tell my husband first I wanted out of the marriage. I seriously think I would give up my marriage to be with him, but he is too nice to ever let me know if he was interested in me, even if he was, as I am married. I feel like if I do have a chance to finally be with him, I don't want to miss that chance again, because once he is commited (sp) to someone else, that will be it.

How in the world do I find out if he possibly feels the same way without looking like a major jerk and possibly loosing him as a friend? I knew I missed him over the years, but didn't realize just how much until we started hanging out again. Sorry this is so long, but your advice would be very much appreciated.

[NeoSeminole]

cry me a river. If you truly want out of your marriage, then get a divorce. You sound like a f*cking monkey - you won't let go of one branch (guy) until you're holding on to another. Don't let your fate hinge on whether this friend likes you or not.

[vashti]

After 13 years with your "friend", the passion won't be the same, either. Do your kids a favor - if they love their dad and he is good to them, get it together. He may have cheated in the past, but you already took him back, which implies you forgave him. That means you aren't allowed to throw it back in his face when a new guy comes around. Recognize your crush for what it is - a crush. If you can't control your emotions, then you should stop hanging around him (your "friend"). And find yourself a best *girl* friend. Sexual tension always gets in the way of male/female best friends.

EDIT: BTW - You say he hasn't *always* been good to you, which I understand to mean he is not bad to you now...

[3spoiledpups]

You can call me what you want I really don't care, I know I am a good person who has sacrificed years of my own happiness for my kids. Not to mention I really don't want to hurt my husband even though he has hurt me multiple times. I don't take hurting people to lightly. So if you don't have anything nice to say...don't bother posting. Were you not taught any manners? Did you ever here the one....."If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

[vashti]

You can call me what you want I really don't care, I know I am a good person who has sacrificed years of my own happiness for my kids.

I don't know if you were referring to me or neo, but sacrifice is what parents are *supposed* to do. When they grow up and go away, your life will once again be your own.

At least, that's the way *I* see it...

[bluesummer]

I agree with Neo........the fate of your marriage should not be resting on whether or not this guy wants a relationship with you. It reeks of insecurity and dependency........like you're afraid to be alone.

Not to mention the fact that if you do get out of your marriage, you're going to need some time to sort yourself out and do some soul searching before you even think of getting back into another relationship. Its simply not fair to the other person. Not to mention your husband......if you're at a point in your marriage where you're considering leaving him for someone else, you need to have a long discussion with him, or some counselling. And of course you need to consider your children as well. Bottom line is, your issues here affect more than just yourself. Think about that.

[bluesummer]

So if you don't have anything nice to say...don't bother posting. Were you not taught any manners? Did you ever here the one....."If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

All I have to say is, the truth hurts. We spit it straight on here. Its not intended to be mean, but no one here is going to hold your hand and sympathize when you're making a bad decision.

When I first came on here with my problems, I got totally kicked in the ass, but it was what I needed. Its called a reality check.

[3spoiledpups]

you guys really can't make an educated opinion when you don't know the whole story and it would take me all night to list all the nasty stuff my husband has done to me. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first and second child, Belittles me, verbal abuse, said he was going to kill me, just to name a few things, but trust me the list goes on. He's not that bad anymore by any means, but some things you just can't forget. My kids come first, they always have, that is why I'm still here. On the other hand, they were really happy to see him leave too this last time, he really was being a jerk to all of us.

[3spoiledpups]

His bark is worse than his bite, I never thought he would actually kill me, or I would have left, it just hurts hearing those things.

[Glyph]

You can call me what you want I really don't care, I know I am a good person who has sacrificed years of my own happiness for my kids. Not to mention I really don't want to hurt my husband even though he has hurt me multiple times. I don't take hurting people to lightly. So if you don't have anything nice to say...don't bother posting. Were you not taught any manners? Did you ever here the one....."If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

You wanted advice. Advice isn't necessarily all sunshine and flowers. Ever hear, "If you can't take the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen"?

You were given opinions, probably opinions you might know to have some basis in truth, but unless they were "Sure, leave your husband and your kids to go after a high school flame!", they were just not what you wanted to hear.

[Glyph]

you guys really can't make an educated opinion when you don't know the whole story and it would take me all night to list all the nasty stuff my husband has done to me. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first and second child, Belittles me, verbal abuse, said he was going to kill me, just to name a few things, but trust me the list goes on. He's not that bad anymore by any means, but some things you just can't forget. My kids come first, they always have, that is why I'm still here. On the other hand, they were really happy to see him leave too this last time, he really was being a jerk to all of us.

First off - you didn't say this stuff. We can't make an "educated opinion" when we don't know the whole story when YOU don't tell the whole story. We're not mind-readers.

Second off - you obviously forgave him these trespasses by going back to him. Maybe he's actually trying to make amends now for his family's sake. If I were you, I'd have left the MINUTE any verbal abuse or threats had happened, but to dig them up now, AFTER you'd obviously sent him the message "You did these things, but I'm still staying with you", in order to justify leaving him over an old high school crush? Come on. That's weak. If you're hellbent on leaving anyway, at least man up enough to own the reason why - you want a shot with former high school crush-boy.

It's obvious you don't want to hear dissenting opinion apart from approval for what you're wanting/planning to do, so why'd you even come here and ask for advice? Vashti gave you some sound advice, but every post of yours thereafter has been how we "don't understand", how we don't "have the right picture" of the situation - you're obviously not willing to take "don't do it" for an answer.

So, sure. Divorce your husband, go after old high school guy. Have fun.

[bluesummer]

you guys really can't make an educated opinion when you don't know the whole story and it would take me all night to list all the nasty stuff my husband has done to me. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first and second child, Belittles me, verbal abuse, said he was going to kill me, just to name a few things, but trust me the list goes on. He's not that bad anymore by any means, but some things you just can't forget. My kids come first, they always have, that is why I'm still here. On the other hand, they were really happy to see him leave too this last time, he really was being a jerk to all of us.

The point is, despite all that bullshit, you CHOSE to stay with him. That, despite what many women seem to think, is not an act of selflessness and sacrifice........you do more damage to your kids by choosing to stay in an unhealthy marriage. Trust me. My mom waited until I was 18 to divorce my Dad for 'our sake'......I told her at the time she would have done us a bigger favor by divorcing him when we were children. Maybe we would have a better idea what a stable relationship looks like, and wouldn't have had a depressed, resentful mother for 18 years. You're providing a bad example.

You need to forget about this other guy. Let your 'friend' find happiness with someone with less issues. You sort yours out. Not just for your sake, but your kids.

[vashti]

Maybe we would have a better idea what a stable relationship looks like, and wouldn't have had a depressed, resentful mother for 18 years. You're providing a bad example.

Yeah, if this is you, then don't do that. If you stay, make peace with your choice (and it IS a choice). Your kids don't need to see you feeling sorry for yourself and acting like you are a martyr. Don't make your dissatisfaction *their* problem.

[misombra]

i know someone who is almost in this same situation. it's sad.

[vashti]

I think everyone married > 13 years goes through this.