Choi Doesn't Like LDR's Either

[Junket]

Yo, I got somethin' I might need LF's help for.

To summarize, I'm doubting my relationship with my girlfriend. If only because it lacks what "normal", healthy relationships don't, and which is regular human contact. So logically, to solve that issue one would suggest we move closer together. However, we both realize how huge of a step that is, and I'm not sure either of us are yet willing to take that risk.

I do know, that if we continue this relationship indefinitely as it is, that it will only fade away and die. I'll be done school in September, so I feel an immense pressure to figure this all out now, which is completely irrational.

I'll post the long version when I get out of class.

[Gribble]

I don't really blame you. How far away does she live again? You're gonna be done with school. What's keeping you tethered to Philly? Is it really impossible for you to move a little closer to her? Maybe not in the immediate future, but somewhere down the line. I mean, it ain't like Amy's just some random fling. I've read some of the stuff you've written about her.

[vashti]

I agree with Gribble. What would you be losing by moving near her in September? It's not like you can't go back...

[Junket]

Vash, for once I was actually hoping you wouldn't agree. As you're usually the seasoned motherly type figure that always pulls the "you're too young and immature" card.

Anyway, to go into more detail. I've been stressing over work, in that I work my ass off for shitty pay checks. So one day I decided to look on-line for other jobs in my area. And I typed in "philadelphia unions" and came up with a carpentry apprenticeship program here in Philly. So in an e-mail I told Amy about it, mentioning it would be a 4 year deal. I wasn't putting in any serious thought, but I do like the sound of that kind of thing.

Anyway, so we talked on the phone a bit, and later that night, she sent me an e-mail asking me if that's something that I would pursue, and that if I am seriously considering that, to just be straight up with her. Basically, if I were to pull something like that, it would kinda be a deal breaker. I have the same sentiment, 'cause a 4 year LDR? **** no. She understands that's kinda where I am in my life though, and she doesn't wanna stand in my way if I have other plans.

I talked to her a bit about it all. And I mentioned that basically, if we want to bring things closer, we're gonna have to plan and work at it. That it's not just gonna come together overnight. See, we hadn't yet seriously talked about moving closer together. Where ever I'd be going, I want to continue my career/learning path. I think I got somethin' good goin' on here and I wanna keep runnin' with it.

Now, if I could find an apprenticeship or somethin' out there? A cheap apartment, and a way to get around? Then it wouldn't be so bad, now that I think about it. Dunno if my 'lil 87 Accord would make it out there, but I dunno.

I asked her about her plans and she said that basically, it would depend upon me. If I was gonna move out there, she'd leave New Orleans and maybe head back home and get a job. If we decide not to do any of this, she'll probably stay in NOLA.

Okay now, thoughts?

[vashti]

A four *year* apprentice program? That seems long. Are these *paid* apprenticeships? I think you should look into whether or not you can get a similar program near your girl.

[Gigabitch]

How is everything else in Philly? Were it not for Amy, would you even consider leaving there? You seem to have a love/ hate relationship with the place, or is that just with your home situation?

[Junket]

A four *year* apprentice program? That seems long. Are these *paid* apprenticeships? I think you should look into whether or not you can get a similar program near your girl.

Yeah, they're paid. The way a lot of them work is you do a few months of in house training, then they send you out with an employer, and they teach you on the job. You get paid only a percentage of a professional, but they increase the percentage every 6 months. I think that's cool, 'cause hopefully then I wouldn't need to work the part-time as much as I am now. Or maybe I would...but it's an investment, y'know?

How is everything else in Philly? Were it not for Amy, would you even consider leaving there? You seem to have a love/ hate relationship with the place, or is that just with your home situation?

Things here in Philly have stabilized. I would still consider leaving here for maybe my brother's. I love Philly as a city, it's just the other shit that has me feeling negative at the moment. At the same time, I don't wanna just use Amy as just an excuse to leave, y'know? If I'm going to move somewhere completely unfamiliar in terms of surroundings and culture. I need to know that I'm there because I want to be with Amy.

See, the thing is. Anymore, when I'm away from her, with no definite plans to see her, my emotions towards her wane. I'd hate to admit that, 'cause the idea scares me, and induces bouts of doubt. But it's true. But as soon as we make plans I get all excited again. It's like chain smoking for a few days then quitting cold turkey every few months. I just don't think my psyche can take that over and over again. Even now I think to myself, "why am I doing this? why don't I look for something closer to home?" But I know that as soon as I'm down there it's like "oh, yeah, this is why I do this."

I don't know, I think with school and work I'm becoming short sighted.

Now, I trust all of yours' opinions. You guys know my relationship history with her better than anybody else I know. You guys know me better than most people I know. Should I just stop fretting over the doubt? It's so much easier to give advice. I don't wanna do something because I think I should. I want to feel like I want to. Y'know? Relationships take work, I have no doubt in that. Everything ain't all roses. However, I also don't want to get in the mentality of settling for less than I want, lying to myself that this is what I want or need, when it may not be.

What do I specifically want?

I haven't a ****ing clue.

I never had to think this far into a relationship before.

[vashti]

Oh. I didn't know about the waning emotions. I thought you were still on cloud nine.

I don't know how to help you. It is normal to experience a change in emotion when faced with a stressful decision. On the other hand, it is also normal to experience decreased emotion when you find you just aren't "in" to someone anymore.

When is the next time you will see her? (And when were you last there?)

This seems like a good topic for Tiay...

[Junket]

It is normal to experience a change in emotion when faced with a stressful decision. On the other hand, it is also normal to experience decreased emotion when you find you just aren't "in" to someone anymore.

Exactly.

Therein lies my dilemma. How to discern the two.

I just saw her the beginning of this month.

I had a great time, I love being with her.

But it's like as soon as I get to the airport to go home, everything shuts off. I know she has a harder time with the initial separation than I do. She was talking about visiting me up here in Philly sometime in May. No definite plans on it yet.

What is most confusing is that it's when I'm away that feelings fade. They all bounce right back when I'm with her. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just the initial excitement of finally making her my girlfriend. I would think most couples at this point would be just going out, hanging out, getting to know each other. Something I can't do in my position right now. There's no drive here, y'know? I don't see a specific goal to shoot for like I do with school and work (to some extent). I feel lost without something to drive towards. I can't force visits. So I just have to wait for them when they're convenient.

Oi, all this thinking and rationalizing is killin' me.

I think Imma take a shower.

[Gigabitch]

But it's like as soon as I get to the airport to go home, everything shuts off.

This happened to me occasionally as well when Cali Boy and I were still long distance. Don't use this to make any judgements about where your heart is really at- it's just how you protect yourself. You go into an emotional fugue state- like when your body goes into shock after an injury. It doesn't mean you don't care.

I agree that you can't maintain an LDR forever. It's hard enough when there's a light at the end of the tunnel- I can't even imagine trying to hold it together when everything is so up in the air.

Sometimes everything is perfect except for the timing. It kinda seems like you'd have to move Heaven and Earth to be with her right now. I can see how you'd be questioning how viable your relationship is if it takes this much to sustain it.

On the other hand, you haven't even had sex with her yet. Believe me when I say that you have no idea what you're missing. If and when that finally happens, you may find that Heaven and Earth might not seem like too much to move to be able to do that regularly.

[Junket]

On the other hand, you haven't even had sex with her yet.

Haha, I love that logic.

I wish sex was a feasible thing to look forward to.

I think I need to sit down, and really start thinkin' about where I want to go with all of this.

And by all of this, not just this relationship, but well, the next few years of my life and everything that entails.

[Gigabitch]

Yes. Do this now. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get yourself going in the right direction early on rather than having to stop and turn yourself around later.

I'm so happy you're making such an investment in yourself. When I was your age, I could hardly think about the future at all.

[Junket]

Heh, I'm at a late start.

Everybody else I know already has or is on their way to getting a bachelor's.

I don't know if that's something I should shoot for or not, right now.

Maybe, eventually, but I don't know about right now.

[Glyph]

If you don't mind my asking, why is sex not feasible? Religious differences, physical problems . . . ?

[Converse]

No sex in a relationship? Then what's the point?