haven't dated in 8 years

[maxpower]

Hola. Well just as the title of the thread says, I haven't had a date in over 8 years. It isn't that I am ugly or anything or am a complete jerk, all of my best friends' girl friends always seem to love me and always ask why I never go out on dates or why am I still single. I think it is the fact that I have some huge secrets that I haven't been able to tell anyone close to me which are

1.) I am 24 yo and still a virgin (which doesn't bother me at all really).

2.) when I was 8 or 9 yo I was sexually molested by a neighbor (which I have NEVER told anyone about).

The reason I don't try to date anyone or get a gf is because I know at my age sex will be a key part of having a relationship with someone else. I just don't know if I can do it, I get really nervous whenever someone tries to touch me and I don't like it. I feel like I won't be able to provide a gf with what they need so I don't bother at all to try to get a gf. I am just frustrated with the whole intimacy issue thing, I just needed to vent here. It is much easier telling this to a bunch of strangers who I will never meet than one of my friends or family members. I was also wondering if anyone here had any experiences like this.

[TDurden]

As far as phsyical intimacy is concerned, yes it'll be a part of any relationship at your age, but no, that doesn't necessarily mean sex. I'm not saying it won't come up, but if you find somebody who's kind and patient, she'll understand your hesitancy and won't put any undue pressure on you. You should also take solice in the fact that most women your age expect guys to be constantly trying to get in their pants and your not trying to rush things could be refreshing and actually work toward your advantage.

Lastly, you should probably talk to a therapist about the whole molesting thing. That for sure is affecting your feelings toward physical intimacy and is something you really should address regardless of your dating aspirations.

Oh, love the screen name by the way. Classic Homer

[EDIT] After reading Giga's response, I feel like I may need to clarify and rephrase my original post. Chronologically speaking, therapy should come first. My dating comments were meant more as advice post therapy.

[Gigabitch]

Firstly, I'd like to applaud you for being responsible enough to recognize that you're not equipped to be in a relationship right now. Instead of messing with some girl's head, you're trying to deal with your issues.

In the name of women everywhere, I thank you.

Ben's right. You should think very seriously about seeing a therapist, a trauma specialist specifically, and start working on this molestation issue. It's going to take some time. It will be the most important thing you've ever done. Do it.

When you do get into a relationship, I hope it's with someone who understands and loves you. This is possible, regardless of all of the rotten stories you see posted on this site. You won't get there if you don't go through the first part, though. The getting yourself ready part.

[Only-virgins]

had any experiences like this.

nope.

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[Rob26]

I haven't had a date in 4 years. I don't know why I even hang out on a "Love" forum. Between work, console gaming, my car, and, now, I have a cat. I have no great incentive to overcome the awkwardness I feel when approaching women. I am kinda getting a crush on the woman across the hall from me at work!

[CAM]

So, I'll give you one guy's version of "dealing with things"--they'll get better, but they never go away. Issues with trust remain. A lack of interest in intimacy, too.

[anachronistic]

Hola. Well just as the title of the thread says, I haven't had a date in over 8 years. It isn't that I am ugly or anything or am a complete jerk, all of my best friends' girl friends always seem to love me and always ask why I never go out on dates or why am I still single. I think it is the fact that I have some huge secrets that I haven't been able to tell anyone close to me which are

1.) I am 24 yo and still a virgin (which doesn't bother me at all really).

2.) when I was 8 or 9 yo I was sexually molested by a neighbor (which I have NEVER told anyone about).

The reason I don't try to date anyone or get a gf is because I know at my age sex will be a key part of having a relationship with someone else. I just don't know if I can do it, I get really nervous whenever someone tries to touch me and I don't like it. I feel like I won't be able to provide a gf with what they need so I don't bother at all to try to get a gf. I am just frustrated with the whole intimacy issue thing, I just needed to vent here. It is much easier telling this to a bunch of strangers who I will never meet than one of my friends or family members. I was also wondering if anyone here had any experiences like this.

do you watch porno? maybe you need to watch some porn. it might loosen you up a bit.

i used to be nervous about having sex and all, afraid that they might not like the way i look naked, but after you lose your virginity, you are more laid back about it all.

also, do you want to be able to tell your girlfriend that you were sexually abused like that? i mean a girlfriend is someone that is really close to you... maybe if you can share that, it will bring you closer to them, and less nervous about the sex stuff.

[TAVS]

Dude Lilwing. Your sig rocks. That's deep.

[vashti]

I genuinely don't mean to sound unkind, but a lot of people who have been molested are able to move on and experience normal lives after they grow up. It makes me wonder what you fear you might lose if you choose to quit clinging to this event as a way to define yourself. (BTW - was it a single event, or an ongoing situation?)

I agree with everyone else that if that experience is still having this much of an impact on your life after so many years, you are long overdue for counseling. Until you do this, I'm not sure you are such a good candidate for a relationship. I wish you well.

[CAM]

also, do you want to be able to tell your girlfriend that you were sexually abused like that? i mean a girlfriend is someone that is really close to you... maybe if you can share that, it will bring you closer to them, and less nervous about the sex stuff.

Negative to that one...do not tell your girlfriend. She will freak out. Plus, she will tell everyone. Talking to your girlfriend is like talking into a megaphone...no secrets. Maybe you can share with her after you've been married for ten years....maybe.

[Only-virgins]

Dude Lilwing. Your sig rocks. That's deep.

Actually his sig is stupid. Think about it...by the meaning of that quote everyone knows love cause no one can describe it.

[vashti]

Negative to that one...do not tell your girlfriend. She will freak out. Plus, she will tell everyone. Talking to your girlfriend is like talking into a megaphone...no secrets. Maybe you can share with her after you've been married for ten years....maybe.

In principle, I agree with you. Girls you are casually dating do not need to know this. But 10 years after being married? That seems like a long time to not trust your wife.

[anachronistic]

Dude Lilwing. Your sig rocks. That's deep.

thanks


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[anachronistic]

Negative to that one...do not tell your girlfriend. She will freak out. Plus, she will tell everyone. Talking to your girlfriend is like talking into a megaphone...no secrets. Maybe you can share with her after you've been married for ten years....maybe.

yea, that's a really good point.. ugh i am still so used to my old relationship.

[CAM]

In principle, I agree with you. Girls you are casually dating do not need to know this. But 10 years after being married? That seems like a long time to not trust your wife.

Okay, perhaps overstated in terms of years Ur right.