Is there a point where its over?

[CAM]

Ever been around holy people who either haven't ever been laid or haven't been in years? You know how they look...well, virginal and non-sexual?

I'm beginning to think that is how it works with long periods of abstinancy. In essence, the longer the period of time between sexual encounters, the less likely that a person will be seen as a sexual being or an object of desire.

I haven't gotten laid is six years. Between having lost the urge to have sex (I've fallen into the habit of just being platonic around women), I don't think that the women even see me as being a desirable object. I think I'm invisible to them.

I'm in good shape physically, have my hair, employed, a professional, smart, and obviously financially secure, but...at almost 39 years old, I honestly think that women just discount me as an object of interest or desire.

I joined a dating service and emailed several women. I met one but she said that she wasn't interested in dating--just meeting new people (huh? why joing a dating service?). Other than that, my profile was viewed by 96 women and not one emailed/responded. Further confirmation of my theory.

Background: I just hate to not have a plan in life and dislike uncertainty. Usually, I just take pledges to myself and make hard and fast rules. For instance, after a bad relationship in college, I promised myself to not date for the rest of the year--and despite opportunities, I didn't date for the rest of the year.

So, given everything...I'm very close to promising to never date again and therefore to never marry or have kids. It's a hard promise to make, but I think that the decision has been made for me by the women of my town/community. I admit it...I'm confused and hurt by circumstance, not by any specific person. And, it is tempting to simply avoid women, period...forever.

I keep asking myself...what is so undesirable about me? I'm nice. I'm smart. I'm in the top 5 percent of success. I am not an ex-con. I'm not a liar. I'm not arrogant. Just honestly nice and everything. What gives? I'm 5'8" --is that the problem? Do I just absolutely need to be 6'0" in order to be worthy? Or, is it is anyway possible that intelligence and success are intimidating to women? Do women feel that a successful independent guy is somehow "judging" them?

It just didn't seem to be this hard to meet someone when I was in graduate school. Have times changed? Have people changed? Have women changed?

Your thoughts. Are these unusual circumstances?

[CAM]

Your opinion is helpful; thanks.

[vashti]

Cam - how many women on this dating service did YOU contact? I mean, I haven't ever dated anyone like that before, but I think a lot of women prefer to have the male do the asking. I could be wrong.

[CAM]

I contacted 25 women on the service. I don't sit back and wait for things to happen.

[misombra]

it's okay to not like women every now and then. women get upset about men too. sometimes it just seems like there's no good ones around. most people on this planet, i'm sorry to say it, but they just suck. but that's no reason to give up hope.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EZ9h9gZ0wA[/url]

anyway, what does your profile have on it. attack dogs or something?

[vashti]

You should link me or giga or misombra (or maybe even Gribble) up to your profile... I am wondering if your tendancy towards bitterness is coming through on it. That would turn women away.

[Gribble]

Does the service offer blogs? You should find one that does. A profile and a picture aren't really worth anything. I bet you'd get a lot of attention if you maintained a blog on a dating site. You're a clever guy and you have some interesting things to say.

[misombra]

You should link me or giga or misombra (or maybe even Gribble) up to your profile... I am wondering if your tendancy towards bitterness is coming through on it. That would turn women away.

yeah. let me see that.

[vashti]

I was thinking about your height... Obviously, your height is not gonna be an advantage, but I wanted to tell you that I have a friend in NY who used dating sites, and she said she automatically knocked 1-2" off the height a man claimed to be because they so consistanly lie about it. I'm not saying you should lie about your height, but keep in mind that at least SOME women will read 5'8" and interpret it to be 5'6" - 5'7". And don't get mad about this - men know women will lie about their weight no matter how skinny they are, right?

If you want to keep your profile private, PM the link to us.

[vashti]

Also, I am wondering how comfortable you would feel in asking some of the women you dated before what overall impression you gave them. Not all women would be willing to be blatantly honest, but maybe one or two would.

Of course, you would have to be willing to not be defensive.

You should really think about doing this. It might be uncomfortable and even painful, but this is probably the best way to find out how others perceive you.

[CAM]

On your advice, I emailed the one woman I met--very nice very intelligent; just a totally different person. I asked her to provide an assessment.

I don't know what to say about the height issue. On one hand, I could theoretically get upset. Conversely, I much more likely to think that if a woman is that interested solely in height, then I probably wouldn't want to be with her anyway. I find it hard to believe, but it would seem that women are a bit like lemings (no offense, just an anology) to the degree that their preferences are very similar--so, if height is an issue for most alll of them. Those shorter than me are especially interested in very tall men. The women taller than me are actually more likely to not have an issue with height although many still hunger to meet the tall guy.

I appreciate the advice because if it boils down to something I can't fix, then I know that I should just take the pledge and give up entirely. Simple answers are not always possible but I do like to make things simple

[CAM]

Does the service offer blogs? You should find one that does. A profile and a picture aren't really worth anything. I bet you'd get a lot of attention if you maintained a blog on a dating site. You're a clever guy and you have some interesting things to say.

Thanks A nice comment and good advice.

[misombra]

I appreciate the advice because if it boils down to something I can't fix, then I know that I should just take the pledge and give up entirely.

everybody has something they can't fix.

[Only-virgins]

You know how they look...well, virginal and non-sexual?

I'm beginning to think that is how it works with long periods of abstinancy. In essence, the longer the period of time between sexual encounters, the less likely that a person will be seen as a sexual being or an object of desire.

That part doesn't make any sense.

Dating sites are a bit weird. Most of them you have to pay for and they feel to me like digging through the trash for the left overs. If you don't have a circle of people to hang around and a way to meet lots of single women that you might be interested in then it is pretty much hopeless, just meet new people. That girl that told you she is not interested in dating and just wants to meet new people could just be saying that in order to first meet you, then decide to date you...maybe she has cute friends. Just take every opportunity I guess because if anything at all it at least leads to meeting more people.

[Converse]

That part doesn't make any sense.

Dating sites are a bit weird. Most of them you have to pay for and they feel to me like digging through the trash for the left overs. If you don't have a circle of people to hang around and a way to meet lots of single women that you might be interested in then it is pretty much hopeless, just meet new people. That girl that told you she is not interested in dating and just wants to meet new people could just be saying that in order to first meet you, then decide to date you...maybe she has cute friends. Just take every opportunity I guess because if anything at all it at least leads to meeting more people.

I agree with this. It's all about meeting new people.