Closure?

[Bean]

I've been seeing a girl for what would have been two years tomorrow (July 11th).
This was my first relationship.

She completely dragged me down for the best part of a year. I developed serious trust issues and my confidence went right out of the window, but eventually I worked up the strength to give her an ultimatum of "me or drinking".
She chose me. The next (almost) year together was generally much better, although she would often lie about what she was doing. It wasn't the drink or who she was seeing that bothered me, it was the lies. I'd rather she just told me that's what she wanted to do - and either treated me better and kept doing it, or broke up with me to carry on (and yes, I did tell her this).
We did have serious arguments on a weekly basis though, which I grew tired of.

Now, I realise that this girl is bad news, and I need to get away asap. But I do still love her, otherwise I wouldn't be here still thinking about this.

Last tuesday we had an argument over the phone, eventually she said she wanted time away from arguing and this shit, and I told her she can have all the time she wants. I tried to contact her a bit later on that day just to say goodbye and get my stuff back that she has.
By that time she was already out drinking and just hung up and turned her phone off, so I've left her alone.
Since then, I've found out she's been with at least one or two guys since our parting.

We haven't spoken in a week, but I want my stuff back and I would like to let her know that she'll be missed, and that I've been grateful for the good times and how much she's taught me. (However part of me thinks this would just be a lonely cry for attention because I miss her so much and I'd just like SOMEONE to talk to because I have no female friends).

Finally, the questions!

1) What would you guys advise I do with all my memories? Pictures, special gifts etc.. I think if I keep them I'll just get upset all the time. But I don't know if I can bare to throw them away either. Right now they're all in a pile under my table in the bedroom. It upsets me just knowing they are there.

2) Do you think it would be a good idea just to write her a letter just basically saying goodbye and asking for my stuff back? I do feel bad about how things have been over the last few months. I'd refuse to argue with her - I'd completely shut her out and walk away because I was so tired of arguing so often. But she did get really upset when I would walk away and I'd feel awful afterwards.

I really miss her but I know it's not worth trying to work on (and she's obviously found other people who can make her feel happy and good about herself, which is great).
I just feel like I need to do something to help me get over it. And I want HER to know that despite all the shit, she really was loved and will be missed, and that I wish her all the best in the future.

Sorry for such a long post. Writing is the best way to vent when you have literally nobody to talk to about this stuff.

[vashti]

1) I think you should box up your photos/gifts/whatever reminds you of her, and put them away in the back of a closet. Although it may be painful to see them now, in 20 years you will be happy to have small mementos that represent a portion of your youth.

2) What kind of things are you asking her to return? Usually it is best to forget about "things" and just move on, and yes, I *DO* think attempts at "closure" could be nothing more than a lonely cry for attention.

I think you made your mistake by giving her the "me or booze" option. That was the time you should have recognized that the two of you were simply not a match because your lifestyles were too different. You instead tried to force a square peg into a round hole - bad idea.

[Bean]

She's got a bunch of my clothes, and.. hair straighteners. I don't particularly care about the straighteners because I never used them but it would be nice to get them back because they were pretty expensive if I remember correctly..
Maybe it is best just to leave it. At least for a very long time, to give myself time to get over her completely so there's no emotional ties.

Thankyou, vashti. I agree with you entirely. I think because it was my first relationship I was blinkered into thinking that she was the only person for me, and that it somehow had to work.
I'm sort of glad this has all happened because it's been a great learning curve for me - however hurtful it may have been.

[vashti]

That is exactly what first relationships are for - learning! I'm glad you are able to see it for what it is.

Anyway, you will definitely feel lost for a while, but you'll feel less so after a while, and pretty soon you'll be feeling fine. Almost everyone goes through this.

Good luck.

[Bean]

I'm feeling fine now to be honest. I've spent every day with my friends (a rarity!) and I try to keep myself busy at work. I haven't felt upset today at all, and I don't think I will. I feel pretty damn good, in fact.

I think I'm mainly just dreading our first encounter. We're bound to see each other out and about at some point and I'm a bit worried about how I'll feel / react.

Time will tell, I suppose.

I'm off to bed while I've still got a smile on my face. Maybe I'll dream something nice..

[Gigabitch]

Dream about getting new clothes, because you probably won't get anything back from her.

Don't sweat it- especially stuff you didn't even use anyway. Write it off as a small price to pay for your freedom. Closure isn't about stuff. It's about letting go.

[anachronistic]

Dream about getting new clothes, because you probably won't get anything back from her.

That's sick. What is she going to do? Wear them?

Give the poor man his clothes.

[Bean]

lol

I doubt she'd wear them. I'm not bothered really, although I wouldn't take kindly if I saw her out with her new guy and HE was wearing one of MY hoodies or something.

Hopefully she'll just hide them away somewhere and eventually just give them back.

By the way, nothing happened yesterday. I was worried she might try and call, seeing as it was a pretty important day for us. I kept myself busy and I haven't been upset at all since Monday.
Things are looking good. Though we've still not had our first encounter.

[kapneb92]

you own hair straighteners?!

[Gigabitch]

lol

I doubt she'd wear them. I'm not bothered really, although I wouldn't take kindly if I saw her out with her new guy and HE was wearing one of MY hoodies or something.

I did that once. I gave my new boyfriend my old boyfriend's sweater.

I'm a mean girl.

[Bean]

How long did you wait before you sent it all back to her?

I think I might have to do this. I can't keep the stuff - there's no point. As thelonius said, I'll only ever look at it when I'm feeling down and it'll just make things worse.

Finding someone else seems so impossible.

BTW, I've seen her out a couple of times now. It was pretty hard going but I managed to subdue the pain fairly quickly.
It's strange how emotional distress can cause physical pain / tightness of the chest..

[Gigabitch]

Finding someone else seems so impossible.

It isn't, though. Eventually, you will. Look at thelonius- he's happily married now, and he went through this.

Breakups just plain suck, and you have to slog through them. I like the idea of removing all traces of her from your life- you don't need the reminders. Fresh start. Clean break.

When you see her out, do you acknowledge one another's presence or do you just pretend the other person doesn't exist?

[Bean]

Giga: We don't acknowledge each other at all. I think it's much better this way. I'd rather write off the past two years as a mistake/lost memory than spend ages feeling miserable about what happenned and wondering what it could have become.
I don't think I've ever been this happy, at least for a long time. I'm closer to my friends than I've ever been, I'm meeting new people all the time. I'm actually allowed to talk to girls without getting my head bitten off! *shock horror*.
Sometimes it's painful (like when I see her out), but it's only very temporary and NOTHING compared to arguing for hours on end over nothing, or being lied to on a weekly basis.


Thelonius: I think what you did is brilliant. I wish I'd done it sooner really. I've got a LOT of stuff but I'm sure I can probably find a box big enough to put it all in.
I live close to her so I COULD drop it off outside her house, but I like the idea of posting it. I'll have to see how much it would cost.

I'll let you guys know how I get on