Is he sick of me?

[lovestoned]

I have been with my man for a year now, and everything was perfect until now. I mean everything is still great but some things that he does make me wonder, such as: last week we planned to hang out one day, and i missed him so much and couldnt wait to see him, not to mention i hardly saw him that week and hardly talked to him, he then calls me an hour later and tells me that he would rather hang out with me the next day because he wants to hang by himself and hang out with his friends. When he hung out with his friends he used to always call me and tell me that he misses me and let me know what he is doing because i would worry( but i rarely ever said anything about it) now, he doesnt call at all hours can go by before he ever calls, he would call me at 1:00am to let me know that he is home and tell me good night. Also on our year anniversary, he didnt plan anything, i didnt get any flowers or anything, i really could care less about that, but it hurt becasue he said he didnt get me anything because he was too busy(and yet he still had time to be with his friends the whole day). He is always working and rarely calls.Yet at the same time when we do talk he sounds fine like nothing is going on and everything s okay. But i am so worried that he is tired of me or something. Should i be worried? Should I talk to him? or am i just being dumb and he just needs his space?....

[Gigabitch]

Ouch! I can see why he might need his space- you are coming off as quite clingy, but that hurts!

It seems to me that he helped to set up an expectation that he is no longer living up to. Part of this is because you've been together for over a year, and the glow does tend to wear off. This is the point in the relationship where you start to see what he'll really be like. You've heard the phrase "the honeymoon is over"? Well, it's over.

But now what? Are you supposed to just accept this new, lowered level of intimacy? Is there anything you can do to make sure you don't lose him? And are you sure you even want to?

I think what's important here is not what he's doing, but what you're doing. You are clearly leaning on him and expecting him to provide emotional support when he is no longer reliable in that department. IMO, he's falling down on the job, but you're the one I'm worried about. You could get shredded.

It's time to stop pouring yourself into this relationship. You did that for a year. Now, step back and see what all of that effort is going to result in. Somehow you've got yourself into this powerless position where he's calling all of the shots while you just wait for him to toss you a bone. This isn't good for either one of you. What would you think of him if your positions were reversed?

Get your balance back. I hope you haven't neglected your friendships while you've been with this man, because you're going to need them now. Go an reclaim some of your own life. It will make you feel better and make you more interesting to him too.

[lovestoned]

Thank you so much for taking our time and answering my question, yo umight be totally right. I forgot to mention that he is the jelous type and im not really "allowed" to hang out with friends...well at placer where there might be other guys...so i dont think its fair for him to do whatever he wants but me i have to be Miss Perfect..but thank you sooo much! I now see this from a different perspective

[Gigabitch]

Not allowed? I hate that.

I used to date that kind of guy. What a pain in the ass. Look, he shouldn't be allowed to make all the rules. He makes bad rules.

[lovestoned]

well no its not like that, its just it would start drama and i avoid it the best i can. Sometimes i feel like he does make all the rules makes me feel like i have no say in what we do sometimes..but i just look at the best of everything and look beyond the imperfections, no one is perfect

[Jimmy1218]

F him, he cant take control over you. All you need to do is hang out with your friends and make sure you have some guys coming with you. Then your bf will get jealous and pay more attention to you.

[crystalheart]

One thing girls should not do is: finding excuses for their guys!!

I believe if you felt that he treated you different with before, and you started to worry, then probably sth's wrong there, (as long as you are not over sensitive type of girl).

I suggest you to stop calling him and seeing him for two or three weeks, and see if he worried or call you. If he won't, then he probably has someone else in his mind.

Be brave and confident. =)

[lovestoned]

well hmm, im not over sensitive i honestly would rather hang out with him than my friends, i just wish he felt the same. Oh well, but when i dont call him he calls me so everythings fine in that area....i dont know i geuss i will just back off and give him room

[Gigabitch]

Well, keep your friendships strong, though. Isolating women from their support network is a red flag for bad guys.

[Tiay]

wait wait..!! what on earth is going on here?

so, he hung out on your anniversary (or near it?) with his friends, telling you that he had no time for you. Stupid boy! If he REALLY had no time, he's still pick up some flowers (unless you live in the middle of nowhere, but here there are shops with flowers everywhere!), give them to you and promise to do something proper as soon as he does have time, not "oh, sorry I have no time, better luck next year.."

Plus, you don't get to hang out with his friends, nor are you allowed to hang out with your own friends?

yes yes, I'm sure that you could actually hang out with your own friends and he wouldn't freak out and lock you in a cage in the basement, but the effect is the same; you're not hanging out with your friends, especially not male friends who might do some friendly flirting with you that'd make you feel good about yourself! He's making himself your only source of validation.

damnit lovestoned, you're.. kinda like me. so any advice I could give you would be pretty hypocritical. :\

[vashti]

I think guys that try to isolate their girlfriends are very bad news. You probably think it would be awful if he were to break off with you, lovestoned, but I think it would be good for you. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself and draw better boundaries. Giga is right - no way should he be making all the rules... you guys should be negotiating them.

[lovestoned]

I definatly agree withyou Tiay, i was really hurt to see that nothing was planned or not even a flower was given on our anniversary when he had the whole day with his friends(two days prior to). But oh well what can i do.Seems like you know exactly how i feel, i geuss we are alike lol.
Well Vashti hes not really isolating me from my friends, its just when i do deside to go somewear lets say to get coffee, he has me call every hour and it drives me nuts! but i seriosly love him to death... and that i geuss i dont mind, its just sometimes i feel like he doesnt feel the same back.

[Tiay]

he has you call him every hour? excuse me, did he have to call you ever hour when he was with his friends? You're following way too many rules. Put your goddamned foot down. What's he gonna do, get angry because you wont conform to a rule that he wont do himself? Don't let him argue his way out of something that is obviously not fair with some smart little argument, either.

edit; also, don't you see? oh it's so clear.. Not only does he not really want you to hang out with your friends, but he has you call him, which distances you from them. When I get into a good conversation with my friends, I could not just go "hold that thought, gotta call my bf" 'cos then It'd be hard to get back into the conversation afterwards, plus WTF would I say oh the phone? The whole time I'd be thinking of what I was gonna tell my friends, and after the phone call it would be too late cos they'd have moved on to another subject, or somebody else would be saying something.. god that'd be frustrating! dang, it'd nearly make me stop hanging out with them.. WTF is this guy up to?

[Gigabitch]

I get to do whatever I want because my boyfriend isn't an insecure person. He knows I only want him. Part of his good self-image comes from knowing that he's a great boyfriend, so the whole thing is self-perpetuating.

Your boyfriend's cycle is self-perpetuating, too. He acts like a jerk, which makes him worry that you'll want to cheat on him, which makes him act even more like a jerk, and somehow, I bet he manages to blame it all on you.

I've been through this before. You can do better. Get in touch with your inner princess and start making some demands. Do it in your head at first- you're not ready to do battle with him yet, but just learn to hear your own voice saying "WTF?"

[lovestoned]

well you see Tiay,he did used to call me when he was with his fiends, and i never aske him to do that, he just did that to confort me. But now it all stopped..maybe he realized that he was wrong?! and maybe i can just go and hang out with my fiends, because honestly there is no reason in the world why he couldnt trust me i have been 100% honest with him with everything. I gave him space and he gave me mine, and everything is just great, i am just afraid of that space growing further you see.