Can history really Repeat Itself?

[37738]

I hated him when we first met. hated him because he reminded me of a previous heartache...Eventually, I forgot my pride and opened my heart to another avenue and gave this guy a chance in my life, to prove me wrong in thinking ALL MEN ARE QUITE THE SAME. I gave him the love I know, heart and soul. We went on for 4 intimate years until last summer, he left me for another girl.

I am always attracted with clueless or quite insensitive guys, weird, but I find them appealing, contrary to hopeless-romantic ones and the like. Those who can control me and can effect some changes in my (negative) attitude, views in life, etc... somebody whom I consider a challenge for myself... It's like a template or something.

My friends tell me I have a strong personality and that I can do almost anything I want even stupid ones, and just laugh it off every time it messes everything up. That's me when I'm with people I'm so familiar and comfortable with. But what I noticed was every time I'm with my ex, I don't seem to act spontaneous and free... It seemed as though I was always trying to stand up to his standards and maybe doing things that could please him.

I sometimes think this was the reason why we broke up, because I never showed him the real me...my god, for 4 years! can you imagine that?? I was too blinded... my bad...First relationships are so full of scratches...


I always ask myself why do I have to love the same type of people and end up crying for the same reason...

[vashti]

Most people look for particular characteristics in their significant others. It gives them some sense of comfort to be with the "familiar". If you aren't happy with the results of your template, then start looking at men who don't fit it.

[37738]

Most people look for particular characteristics in their significant others. It gives them some sense of comfort to be with the "familiar". If you aren't happy with the results of your template, then start looking at men who don't fit it.

Thanks VAshti... Yup, I tried widening my horizon and accepting men with ideal personalities, you know, the type who would lay down a red carpet in front of you, but it always doesn't work out...I always end up telling them I want to keep them as my treasured friends...sometimes I ask myself if I'm really 100% human because I'm so weird when it comes to this stuff. Is it wrong to want unpredictable men? The thrill that comes along with it is perhaps the reason why I like them so much.

I believe what you pointed out Vashti..point taken.

[IndiReloaded]

Psychologists say that our choice in partners tends toward filling a deficiency in our own pysche. Dunno if this is always true, but sounds like it might be in your case.

Can you think of a reason why you might choose guys of the sort you mention?

[37738]

Psychologists say that our choice in partners tends toward filling a deficiency in our own pysche. Dunno if this is always true, but sounds like it might be in your case.

Can you think of a reason why you might choose guys of the sort you mention?

I dunno...I just can't find an exact reason why...yep, I also tried considering there might be a psychological basis for my awkward preferences...perhaps, I grew up in a home with a passive dad and all decisions and stuff like that are carried on to my mom. Yeah, maybe that's the reason why I want somebody not like my dad.

And ever since I was a child, I was a risk taker and loved trying out new and nasty or dangerous things... when i was with my ex, not one of those traits came out...it's like, he was able to tame me...

[Gigabitch]

I always ask myself why do I have to love the same type of people and end up crying for the same reason...

Because you're not learning your lesson.

You know that hackneyed phrase, "Love like you've never been hurt"? Well, it's a good one.

Look, you can't stop yourself from being hurt. You can't change the fact that people do rotten things, like leave you for another girl. You can only control what you do and how open you are to the experience. I think steeling your heart against possible pain is a waste of time. It doesn't work anyway. I honestly believe that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. (Boy, I've got the cliches coming out all over the place, don't I?)

I think you're a classic control freak. I doubt you were actually passive with your ex. Passive-aggressive, maybe. Has it occurred to you that you keep finding guys that are like your mom? (And no, this doesn't mean you're a lesbian.) Your relationship with your mother has a lot to do with the way you interact with your significant other.

So what's your relationship with your mom like?

[37738]

Because you're not learning your lesson.

it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

LOL! you got me right there Giga! Fine, I'm a passive-agressive freak! I think I'm learning something here... I strongly felt so damn lucky to love all the way throughout our relationship without holding back anything...that's the most pleasing benefit I got from it. though the pain was so searing, at least I learned and felt true love once in this life time.

with my mom, I hated her during my childhood years until I got into college. Needless to say, I was a little devil back then. She was my disciplinarian and she was so getting into my nerves most of the time. I never shared love stuff with her, she'd CAGE me! The moment I got close with her was when I started college, maybe I've matured a bit and she'd decided to see some sense in me.

[Gigabitch]

But I thought you never showed him "the real you"? Or do you mean that you got to love completely, but you weren't open enough to let him see and love you completely?

In my experience, they want it all. Even the flaws. Especially the flaws.

[vashti]

I grew up in a home with a passive dad and all decisions and stuff like that are carried on to my mom. Yeah, maybe that's the reason why I want somebody not like my dad.

Your father may have represented one end of the pole, whereas you are looking for men at the complete opposite end. Try looking for someone in between - they are usually the most emotionally stable.

BTW - I think the reason you stop being a risk taker once you are with someone is because your new role in that dynamic is the "stable" person... The "risk taking" position is already filled.

[37738]

they want it all. Even the flaws. Especially the flaws.

that's what I failed to apply Giga...too bad,I realized it a little too late. I should have been stronger on this matter.

I was too scared to disappoint him with my real self that's why I always gave in to his standards and rules.

What the heck, it's the lessons learned that matters the most...and the experience of unconditional love.

Thanks guys, I'm like a sponge, everything you're telling me is sinking in my system.

[37738]

Try looking for someone in between - they are usually the most emotionally stable.

Exactly! Emotionally stable individuals... nice one!

I hope all men like my ex get to experience all sordid sorts of mishap in a relationship so they will realize the essence of true love and not take it for granted.