Breaking Up

[DsicoDeca]

I've been with my girlfriend for over nine years now, yes this is a long time to be with a person. We talked about marriage many times through the years and we agree to hold off on it until we are financially stable. I love her and she loves me. We cared for each other very much.
Just two weeks ago, she finially decided to tell me that she's falling for another guy. Basically, she wanted to be honest by telling me the truth about how she feels. To make things worse, this I happen to know this guy. She doesn't know why, but he's always on her mind. Right now, she's confused and doesn't know what to do. One part of her says that she's scared to start a new relationship as she knows that that guy won't treat her any better than me. On the other side, she doesn't want to hurt me as we've been together (through good and bad times) for so long. That night, my hurt was crushed. As a result, she said the best thing to do now is for each of us to go our own ways. So we broke up. Where did I go wrong? Should I let go of her and move on?

[sfalexi]

Where did I go wrong?

You didn't go wrong. She just didn't recognize a good thing when she saw it and apparently, even after all those talks about marriage and time spent with you, wasn't ready to settle down.

I can't identify with your situation personally, but I think that when you find someone that you can live with for the rest of your life and should make you happy, that you shouldn't even be able to "fall" for another person. No matter who you're with, you're gonna find other people attractive. That's a given. But the big thing in a relationship is that you recognize a good thing when you have it and don't screw it up to go after someone who sweet talks you. Often, those people that will sweet talk someone out of a relationship turn out to be losers and just sweet on the surface. And I think your girlfriend may have 'fallen' for one.

It's up to you whether you would take her back or not. For myself, if someone ever left me for another guy, I wouldn't take her back. Especially after such a long time together. Cause to me, that would be a sign of possible infedelity in the future and a sign of an unstable relationship.

So if/when she comes crawling back to you, that's up to you whether to accept her back. I know I personally wouldn't if my nine year relationship 'fell' for someone and all of a sudden needs to break up.

Alexi

[DsicoDeca]

The odd part about all this is she knows how it's going to turn out with that other guy and eventually will come back with me. A similar inceident happend a few years ago with another guy. I forgave her. And history repeats itself - I don't think I have the energy to play her silly game anymore, for I'm tired and have lost hope for the relationship that I've been fighting for the longest time. I still care for her a lot and wish her well. I don't have any hate or blame against her, it's just sad to lose someone who you've been so attached to for so long. I just don't want her to get hurt by all this. Only time can tell how it will play out...and I hope everything will work out for the best.
Thanks for reply sfalexi. =)

[IceQueen]

She just didn't recognize a good thing when she saw it and apparently, even after all those talks about marriage and time spent with you, wasn't ready to settle down.

Yeah. Either that, or she gave up on waiting for settling down with this particular person because face it -- it wasn't happening. You've strung her along, so eventually she got up and left.

[PandaCivic]

somewhere along the lines she wanted to get married or change something in her life already, seems you two weren't on the same page at that time...dont worry too much, it's for the best.

[DsicoDeca]

First of all, I like to thank everone for replying =)

I can't blame her for breaking up with me, it's mainly my fault to let this happen. The qualities that she wants in a guy is being creative, confident, and self motivated. All these traits are achievable, but I can't seem to make it happen. I guess this is because I probably don't love her enough to be that person that she wants. I'm disappointed in myself for not trying hard enough for her. I don't know why I can't do this.
She's not the person who always wants to seek someone new all the time. She's a very down-to-earth girl who needs some spark in her life. We've been together for over none years and the spark that we once had is quickly disappearing. I know I failed for not keeping that spark in our relationship as bright as can be.
After reading a few of you guys and gals replies, I finally realized that I'm the one who's been hold her back all this time. I think she should have been enjoying the world and see everything that she's been missing. I've been keeping her too close to me and as a result I've shut her out from the exploring the wonderful things that the outside world can bring.
I thought about giving our relationship another chance the past few nights, but I feel it would be unfair for her if I chose that path. Am I stupid for thinking this way?

[IceQueen]

I thought about giving our relationship another chance the past few nights, but I feel it would be unfair for her if I chose that path.

It's not your call, and neither it's your path to choose. She has left you. It would have to be *her* decision to give it another chance.

[DsicoDeca]

Say for instance she decides to move on, do you think it would be ok to stay in touch with her? The reason being is that I care for her and want to be a friend who she can lean when ever she's down. I just don't want her to get hurt. I know I sound still too attached to her...old habits are hard to change.

What are your thoughts on how I should approach this when I see her this weekend?

[sfalexi]

Say for instance she decides to move on, do you think it would be ok to stay in touch with her? The reason being is that I care for her and want to be a friend who she can lean when ever she's down. I just don't want her to get hurt. I know I sound still too attached to her...old habits are hard to change.

No. Not that's it WRONG to stay in touch with her, but it won't help you AT ALL get over her. Instead, it'll keep her vision and your hopes alive which is contradictory to you being able to move on. You won't be able to move on and you'll constantly see her and be thinking, "Oh she's so nice. I wish she was still mine. She smiled at me today. Maybe she's missing me? She looked good today." etc. etc. It's really not easy to get over someone if you see them all the time. And to make it worse, she'll probably SAY she wants to remain friends because she thinks that'll be the 'nice' thing to do.

What are your thoughts on how I should approach this when I see her this weekend?

Explain to her that it's hard for you and that you're gonna need some time alone. Ask her nicely not to call you because it's going to be even harder for you to accept it if you keep hearing her and talking to her. Tell her you hope to be able to call her in the future and become friends, but for now you need time to be alone. She should understand that and give you your space.

Alexi