New male member with relationship troubles.

[IndiReloaded]

In one of my early emails to her I pointed out that we each knew where each other's heart truly lies and that it was not with each other. Mine is with the woman I was 'in love' with those few years ago.

So, then what *are* you doing, Straight?

I read through your posts rather carefully, and I don't see anywhere you stating what it is that YOU want. I suggest you spend some time rummaging around in those dark corners of your mind first, before involving anyone else. Some suggested questions you may want to ask yourself:

What do you believe about marriage?
What do you believe about happiness?
What do you believe about friendship?
Who are *you*, or who do you want to be, in relation to the above questions?

Figure out those answers *solidly* in your mind first and THEN proceed. You can't control anyone else's actions, remember, only your own.

[IndiReloaded]

BTW, regarding Miso's comments, not that she needs sticking up for, but I have found that she has a unique ability to distill issues down to their essential components. The experience isn't always pleasant, but then the truth rarely is. Especially when it comes from the anonymous internet & the poster has no vested interest in cushioning the truth.

She's right. Thus far in all your posts you haven't shown much concern at all for either of your spouses, which may mean something about your respective characters. From an outsider's viewpoint, we see a man possibly about to have an affair, without the decency to first end his marriage. With a woman who has *already* had an affair, and therefore a history of being unfaithful, yes?

[misombra]

thanks indi!

i see a man who doesn't really care about anyone but himself.

my father is only a little older that straight and i would be terrified if he was doing this kind of thing. butting into some young (MARRIED WITH CHILDREN) womans business to the point of wanting her to have another affair with him. yuck.

you should've named yourself "straight&56&nonethewiser."

[straight&56]

It looks to me like you crush was looking at you more like a father figure. Sure, she may have experienced a moment or two of sexual curiosity, but overall, it doesn't sound like she is invested the way YOU are.

BTW - I am a long-time married woman, and if my husband wrote what you did about another woman, I'd be pissed. Not only are you overly emotionally involved with her, you are violating the privacy one normally expects from their spouse. I'd be humiliated. I bet your wife would be, too.

Maybe you should invest your time and energy into reconnecting to your wife. SHE is supposed to be your "soul mate" (if you believe in that sort of thing).

Thanks for your reply vashti

I think the first line of your reply may be exactly right. There being an initial sexual curiosity for her is probably it.
I too, to a degree and prior to recent events, saw her almost as a daughter figure but with the ability to talk about things I would never discus with my daughter.

I respect your comments regarding my remarks relating to this other woman and broadly speaking they are correct.
However I believe I have not violated my spouse's privacy. I am taking great care to remain unidentifiable in my posts here. In the strictest sense maybe that still constitutes a violation but surely that must happen a lot in a forum like this with people seeking help otherwise difficult situations would remain unresolved.
There's no doubt my wife would feel humiliated if she or I were identifiable and she knew of my posts.

Maybe you should invest your time and energy into reconnecting to your wife. SHE is supposed to be your "soul mate" (if you believe in that sort of thing).

We are not disconnected but the connection should be better. Events over many years have caused a degree of separation, and those events relate to a variety of things from each party.
Ideally, I agree, she should be my soulmate but that is unlikely to happen, there are things that are unresolvable and we have tried though not recently.

Thanks again for your reply

[vashti]

However I believe I have not violated my spouse's privacy. I am taking great care to remain unidentifiable in my posts here. In the strictest sense maybe that still constitutes a violation but surely that must happen a lot in a forum like this with people seeking help otherwise difficult situations would remain unresolved.
There's no doubt my wife would feel humiliated if she or I were identifiable and she knew of my posts.

I wasn't actually referring to your posts on this forum. I was referring to the fact that you consider her your "confidante". Your posts clearly indicate she knows more about your life than your own wife does. You state that you "need" her, that you'd be "devastated" to see her go. You have obviously crossed the line of what is considered appropriate.

You wrote, "If my wife had a confidante who had her interests at heart and was able to make a difference in our marriage by being able to talk about and help resolve things that we may find difficult then I would see that as a positive force in our marriage."

This to me looks like justification for a highly improper emotional attachment on your part. Somehow I seriously doubt your wife would see this younger woman as a "positive force" in your marriage, especially given your level of attachment to her.

[Illusional]

damn that straight guy thanked like 8 people... i don't feel special anymore.

raverboy

[straight&56]

So, then what *are* you doing, Straight?

I read through your posts rather carefully, and I don't see anywhere you stating what it is that YOU want. I suggest you spend some time rummaging around in those dark corners of your mind first, before involving anyone else. Some suggested questions you may want to ask yourself:

What do you believe about marriage?
What do you believe about happiness?
What do you believe about friendship?
Who are *you*, or who do you want to be, in relation to the above questions?

Figure out those answers *solidly* in your mind first and THEN proceed. You can't control anyone else's actions, remember, only your own.

Thanks for your reply indireloaded,

Your question rightly deserves an answer.

My confidante knows the events and details of the person I was 'in love' with a few years ago and as I previously said she gave me valuable emotional support on that over quite a period. I am not 'in love' with that other person now though I do have strong feelings for her. My confidante knows that and I've not hidden it from her which is what someone would do if trying to initiate a full blown affair with my confidante. My confidante and I talked about it only a few months ago and I accepted a couple of years ago that nothing is likely to come of it. She too is someone I'd known for years and not a short term acquaintance.

In answer to your 'what are you doing' then I guess the best way to explain is this.

In response to circumstances applying at the time ( she might leave ) I had to say something to my confidante regarding my thoughts about her.
I went too far and this was a mistake I made.
Our platonic relationship previous to this was exceptional.
We both, to different degrees, responded to what had been said between us.
We both had doubts.
Neither of us wanted the upheaval of a full on affair.
We both want to recover our relationship to its previous stable, trusting and platonic state but we have to give it time.

What do you believe about marriage?
What do you believe about happiness?
What do you believe about friendship?
Who are *you*, or who do you want to be, in relation to the above questions?

Figure out those answers *solidly* in your mind first and THEN proceed. You can't control anyone else's actions, remember, only your own.

I believe marriage should be the closest you ever get to someone but that at times situations can arrise that cause a distancing. Sometimes if those situations are not resolved as they happen they will become compounded ( as in my case ). On those occasions, the only persons you can talk to the situation about face to face is someone you are close to and trust. I will be honest here and admit that I havn't talked to my confidante a great deal on the root causes of my marriage problems. I have talked about some. I have also talked to my older sister about some of them a few years ago. I don't necasarily belive marriage should be for life though I do believe that is the ideal.

I believe happiness in many aspects of life is a varying thing and can change for no apparent reason at times. I believe you have to count to ten and evaluate again.

Ideally I believe friendship has several levels.
1/. As in an acquaintance at, lets say, work where neither wishes the other any harm and helps each other most of the time.
2/. As a slightly closer friend with whom you can talk about some superficial personal things and respect that any opinions they give are given in good faith.
3/. As a much closer and trusted friend with whom you could talk about almost anything and know they would give true opinion, warts and all, and knowing they were not risking that friendship.
4/. As a spouse, this should be your best friend.

As for your last question I'm having to think hard about that.

Indie you are realy drawing the answers from me here and I won't avoid the questions but it is difficult.
And I DO appreciate it.

Just to be clear I am not trying to control my confidant's actions. She has free choice and to pressure her would definitely be counter-productive and wrong. I would not be able to control her actions anyway, she is not without strong resolve - in our employment we supervise up to 25, often difficult men, and she can hold her own.

Thanks again

[IndiReloaded]

Just to be clear I am not trying to control my confidant's actions. She has free choice and to pressure her would definitely be counter-productive and wrong.

Not what I meant. Am referring to the fact that you need to make your decision about things, like your marriage, etc. independent of your friend and whatever decision she may make about things. Make your choices for your reasons, not based on what someone else may or may not do.

Check your PM.

[straight&56]

I wasn't actually referring to your posts on this forum. I was referring to the fact that you consider her your "confidante". Your posts clearly indicate she knows more about your life than your own wife does. You state that you "need" her, that you'd be "devastated" to see her go. You have obviously crossed the line of what is considered appropriate.

You wrote, "If my wife had a confidante who had her interests at heart and was able to make a difference in our marriage by being able to talk about and help resolve things that we may find difficult then I would see that as a positive force in our marriage."

This to me looks like justification for a highly improper emotional attachment on your part. Somehow I seriously doubt your wife would see this younger woman as a "positive force" in your marriage, especially given your level of attachment to her.

Replying to each paragraph of your post.

Par 1/. Sorry, I misinterpreted your initial reply re spouse's privacy.

Yes my friend does know more about certain things in my life than my wife does.
By the way it was my friend who first used the word confidante in referring to our friendship, and not me.
The need I speak of is a need for her as my confidante - we have been able to talk about almost anything of a personal nature.
I wonder how many married people can say that in truth about their spouse. Ideally that's how it should be but in the real world I doubt that it is all of the time. In the ideal world our friendship is inappropriate but in the real world I think it is less so.

Pars 2 & 3/. You could well be right that I'm seeking self justification though not intentionally.
My wife and I would have to have a deep understanding if she were not to consider my friend a threat. We don't have a deep understanding on that level.
My wife is unaware that my friend even exists and is therefore not aware of the emotional attachment we have. Similarly my friends husband is in the same position.

To have a friend like this with whom there is such good communication I think is extremely rare. Especially considering the age difference and that we are the opposite sex. Putting recent complexities aside I feel very lucky. I could never talk to a man in the way we have - it's not a 'man' thing to do that - men rarely talk about such deeply personal matters together.

My understanding is that women often do pour their heart out to female friends so how can the spouse's privacy be maintained in a case like that.

Not too long ago ( 3 - 4 months I guess ) when my friend brought up a particularly delicate subject I asked her if she had a close and trusted female friend she could talk to about it. I also asked if there was a trusted male friend who might be able to help. Of her female friends she said it was too personal for her to even breach the subject. Of her other male friends they are all friends in common with her husband.
I asked her this being aware that I had to be real careful how much closer we would be getting in talking about it.
She had nowhere else to go and we talked. I was going to say that I had no choice but that's not true, I had - I could have said sorry I can't help you on that, work it out for yourself ( ie: I'm only your fair weather friend ). Obviously I didn't - we've breached really difficult subjects before without problem.

If the women following this thread had been in need of such help ( IE: been exactly in her place ) themselves what would they have wanted me to do in relation to their problem.
It's easy to be judgemental when it involves someone else but what if it had been you.

Just a thought.

[straight&56]

Are there any males following this thread besides me?

Have you had similar experiences?

It's a serious thread so lets not have any graphic sexual comments please.

What do you think?

Just wondered

straight&56

[Illusional]

huh?? well i was following thread up until you started to thank everyone...

also these are some damn ass long posts...

raverboy

[misombra]

If the women following this thread had been in need of such help ( IE: been exactly in her place ) themselves what would they have wanted me to do in relation to their problem.
It's easy to be judgemental when it involves someone else but what if it had been you.

Just a thought.

i have been there. i've been on most sides of the situation.

you are wrong. you need to just stop pretending like it's not.

[vashti]

My wife is unaware that my friend even exists and is therefore not aware of the emotional attachment we have. Similarly my friends husband is in the same position.

Since you both feel the need to keep it secret, it is obviously wrong.

I could never talk to a man in the way we have - it's not a 'man' thing to do that - men rarely talk about such deeply personal matters together.

I know men who have profoundly deep connections. I think you should look a little harder.

My understanding is that women often do pour their heart out to female friends so how can the spouse's privacy be maintained in a case like that.

You aren't female. Men and women (unless they are gay) will always harbor some level of sexual interest. This is why they shouldn't attempt to be friends in the same way same-gender friends are.

She had nowhere else to go and we talked. I was going to say that I had no choice but that's not true, I had - I could have said sorry I can't help you on that, work it out for yourself ( ie: I'm only your fair weather friend ).

Interesting you frame this as simply being a loyal friend... I would have considered your stepping back as drawing appropriate boundaries. Anyway, if her problems are so severe, it seems she should have spoken to a professional therapist or clergy person.

If the women following this thread had been in need of such help ( IE: been exactly in her place ) themselves what would they have wanted me to do in relation to their problem.
It's easy to be judgemental when it involves someone else but what if it had been you.

Just a thought.

Hmm... I can't imagine confiding my marital problems to a man 25 years older than me. I would have gone to a professional because I value my privacy. Interesting how people choose to address problems differently, don't you think?

[straight&56]

Yesterday and today we shared shifts together, 14 hours in total. First time in over 9 weeks.

Yesterday we were very awkward in each other's company and we spoke only when necessary. I felt awful.

I was inclined to phone in sick today but I didn't.

We spoke a little more today, only superficially, and the awkwardness was less though we are not gravitating to each other as before.

I'll be on shift again with her on Friday. Another 7 hours.

Hope we can get through this and repair our platonic confidantes status, will take some time I guess.

straight&56

[Gigabitch]

Would you be okay with just drifting off into your separate directions?