New male member with relationship troubles.

[straight&56]

Would you be okay with just drifting off into your separate directions?

I have thought about this as possibly the best thing to do.

I took steps to work elsewhere a few weeks ago ( same employer ) with the option to still work at her location.
My original intention was not to return to her place of work and when I read your post 'don't cut her out, she may be more emotionally involved than even she knows' I decided to still do occasional work at her location.
The option to work exclusively at the other location is not yet fully in force, takes some time.
She doesn't have the option to easily relocate like I do so it was up to me to do something.

I have been as low as I could possibly be regarding this and maybe this is the best time to implement that change and a break. I just can't imagine though her not being there to talk to about confidante things though she is not there at present.

Recently, but before these problems, she said how she nearly rang me at home one time when she was feeling very low on a particular problem. She didn't ring worrying what my wife would think about the resulting long conversation with a woman from work. But she told me about it a few days later.

We used to talk about almost anything including many marriage problems, current fancies ( not to follow up ).
How can we do that now, now she knows how I feel. I couldn't say to her 'Oh sutchabody, she's lovely' - she couldn't tell me about her husband problems now. We did these things only within the past few months without problem. But now?

I've ruined the best friendship I ever had, but at the time I seemed to have no choice in the matter, I had to tell her how I felt - there was no choice in the circumstances - that's what it's like for a man.

Recently, as I often do, I went to the BBC's web site and found a link to 'what sex is your brain' - it was a test to complete and I wondered about me, try it.
I took the test and printed out the result, turns out I'm 100% male brain and the average for men taking the test is much, much less. But that doesn't help me one bit.

I told my wife about the test and showed her the printout. Maybe with thoughts of proving that I am a normal male so I can be excused this current situation.
No I don't really intent to tell her about it at the moment but who knows in future.
I need help from somewhere and this forum has helped a lot.

I will be working with her again on Friday and think I might try a humorous breach of the awkwardnesses. Our relationship always had an injection of humour in the past though not recently.

We'll see won't we

Thanks

[straight&56]

Just thought.
Maybe I should just say I've ruined the best friendship I ever had.
Maybe then she'll understand.
I know platonic is the only way to go.

I'm feeling like such a sad bastard now.

[misombra]

sorry. things will get better.

[straight&56]

sorry. things will get better.

Yes I know they will mis, it's just the time up until they do.
I've got through worse before though.

I've wondered whether parts of our good communication were just an ego boost for both of us. It certainly plays with one's emotions though even if it was.

I hope anyone reading this thread will be wary of risking a good, opposite sex, platonic friendship in circumstances like these.
It seems to me that no matter how well you get on, as we did, you are seriously risking that friendship, probably for always.
And a good, opposite sex, platonic friend/confidant has an extraordinary value.

As an aside I notice the timestamps on my postings are way off the times I make the postings. Probably due to the geographic location of the server. I'm not up through the night posting here as the timestamps may suggest. It's 20:20 hrs Thursday at the moment. Oh and yes tomorrow is Friday - now I'm sure there's something I have to do - not quite decided what yet though!!

Maybe being that the thread is so long it should be moved from the 'INTRODUCTION' zone.

Thanks to all and take care - mostly of your heart.

straight&56

[Gigabitch]

Recently, but before these problems, she said how she nearly rang me at home one time when she was feeling very low on a particular problem. She didn't ring worrying what my wife would think about the resulting long conversation with a woman from work. But she told me about it a few days later.

I think if you're doing something you have to hide, you should ask yourself if it's anywhere as innocent as you're trying to make it seem.

The word "platonic" doesn't actually describe your relationship with this woman.

I've said it before: friends don't **** because they don't want to.

I think you should acknowledge the sexual tension that has existed between you and this woman and stop calling her your "friend". She is not your friend. Friends can call each other on the phone.

[straight&56]

Hi Giga,

Yes I acknowledge there has been sexual tension, but only the past few weeks. It hasn't been that way all the time we've been confidantes.
She had given cause in some things she had said and done during the past few weeks.

[straight&56]

As an aside I notice the timestamps on my postings are way off the times I make the postings. Probably due to the geographic location of the server. I'm not up through the night posting here as the timestamps may suggest. It's 20:20 hrs Thursday at the moment.

Erm that should have been 22:20 hrs. Yes I am in the UK.

[IndiReloaded]

Straight, check your PM (click on 'private messages'). I sent you something some time ago that you haven't read yet. Its relevant.

[straight&56]

Straight, check your PM (click on 'private messages'). I sent you something some time ago that you haven't read yet. Its relevant.

Thanks Indi.

I have read them now.

Off to work soon

Straight&56

[straight&56]

Well I saw her at work yesterday ( Friday ) for a short time.

It was difficult because I was moved at the start of the shift to another department where someone had phoned in sick.
I would normally have been in the same department as her all day.
I popped up to see her a couple of times but there were others about at those times so passed her without saying anything.
I had a letter prepared in response to the letter she gave me a while ago, I knew it would be unlikely we would have private time to talk and probably neither of us would have wanted to anyway at the moment. We are still both a bit angry though it has lessened.
Her letter to me said how she wasn't interested and we needed to have some time with no contact. She wrote it in anger.

My letter to her explained that I was moving to another location ( same employer a few miles away ) for the foreseeable future to meet her request for no contact for a while. She knows that if I wish I can take shifts at her location in the future.

Now because of the difficulty I expected in giving her the letter ( she'd almost certainly refuse to take it ) I had not put it in an envelope intending to put it on her desk with a little bit of LARGE PRINT showing the content.
On the third occasion I went to see her I held out my hand holding the letter but with the large print NOT showing and she took it without problem and I left straight away back to the other department.

Now this is very confusing because I was sure she would refuse to take it.
Then I would have just put it on her desk with the large print showing and left, she would have to pick it up if she didn't want anyone else to see it.

Much as I didn't really want to do it my letter to her also points out a couple of the things she had said and done as her invitation to become closer.
These were explicit ( I don't mean sexually ) things not in her normal speech or behaviour patterns. I didn't point out all the things, that would have been very unkind, but I offered to.
The things I did point out were explicit enough to leave her in no doubt of their obvious perceived intent.

I also said I would mostly be avoiding her shifts until I move to the other location. I have left just a couple of common shifts in force for a couple of weeks time ( she's able to check when they are ).

In my letter I ended by saying I was at the point of cut and run but was undecided.
I also said I was sure she would find someone else to confide with who would care.
I said that I thought we had always been honest with each other ( I'm sure she knows we have ) - implying she wasn't being honest now.

So the ball is in her court now.
If she doesn't play it we loose contact for good because I then wouldn't take shifts at her location in the future.

Maybe I should have said let's declare a truce here. Hindsight.

We need to defuse this tension and get back to how we were 3 months ago but I don't know if we ever could.

I wanted to tell her how much I would miss her if I left for good but I didn't.

So it's back to the waiting game now for about 2 weeks.

Saturday morning something hit me like a thunderbolt regarding these types of thing in general. Maybe it relates to this too.
It's very difficult to describe and put into words but I'll probably try in a new thread on a different part of the forum.

If this thread has started to get boring please do tell me but I hope the experience would help others, someone told me it riveting to read.

straight&56

[straight&56]

Just to update on the past 2 days events and thanks.

On Monday we shared a shift together and it was very uncomfortable.
We spoke but just pleasantries again, at times we avoided each other puposefuly.
One time she came and sat nearby but I couldn't bring myself to breach the subject. One reason being that I did not want us to be interrupted by anyone in a make or break situation.

I thought about it after work.
I thought about the whole history we'd been close going back over 2 years and things we had talked about. I remembered some things she had said about her immediate and extended family and thought I recognised a trait that could have a great influence on her life that she had never spoke of in depth and I had never spotted before. ( And no, I don't mean she should be on a mental ward ).

I decided that it ( I ) could not continue like this because I was almost emotionally drained following the events of the past 2 - 3 months.
I decided I was going to phone her at home and bring up this 'family thing' and invite her to talk about it if it was correct and if she wanted to.
I was really going out on a very risky strategy here but it was make or break time and she had asked me a few weeks ago not to call her at home again.

I rang her at about 4pm today ( Tuesday ) after planning carefully how I was going to handle it.

She said I was way off the mark on the 'family thing', felt almost insulted by what I had said even though I said it very gently and with best intentions at heart, and I thought 'OH SH*T', that's it then. Had I not been off the mark she knows I would help her through anything.
I managed to recover the situation and we talked on how it looked as though there was no going back to how we were months ago and how sad it was.
I heard her sob once or twice and I was close to that too.
I told her how much I had missed her and how much I would miss her from now on.
She said it had not felt right for her being unable to talk to me. She said it was more like a bonding than a friendship ( Thanks Giga - I remembered what you said ).
Somehow we kept the conversation going and in control.
We spoke of things from the past we had laughed about and almost cried about.
I told her how my heart had gone out to her during the times she'd been distressed.

Before long there were new topics arising.

Before long we were laughing together again.

We were on the phone for about one and a half hours.

I swear I would never have tried so hard for anyone else.

The boundaries are now firmly set and similar to what they were months ago. And we are very likely to recover.

She asked when I was next due on shift with her.

I have helped her in the past with some of her marriage problems.

Maybe, with boundaries now set, it's time I asked her for help with mine.

She will always be so special to me, inappropriate though that may sound.

I will take care of this special friendship in the future and not risk it again. And yes I'll take care of my heart too.

I really don't know how I managed to pull this off. I was flying by the seat of my pants.

Its early days but the help and ALL comments I've received here MUST have played their part.

I've rarely been one to skirt around difficult subjects and someday I may point her to my posts here - but that's a long time off if I ever do. I would have to read them all again very carefully first.

Thank you all so much - I expect this forum is invaluable to many people.

Maybe my next posts will be about my marriage - maybe not.

straight&56

[IndiReloaded]

Hey Straight, I'm glad you had that talk w/your friend. However, I would suggest you Google the phrase "Co-dependent". The fact that you two are 'friends' but can't be open about it to your spouses is a BIG red flag that something is still amiss.

Sorry, but I know *exactly* what you are doing. I've been there & it isn't fair to either of your spouses. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you need to know you two are on the verge of having an affair. An emotional one, if not a physical one (some would say you are already there).

Let me ask you this: Do you think your wife would be cool w/your friend calling you up at home to chat? Have you talked to your *wife* about this issue? You need to.

If the answer is yes, as is true in my case, then its all good and the relationship is probably an honest one. If not, then you two are in denial, which is worse in my opinion. This could drag on for years if you're not careful.

One last caution, b/c you seem like a sincere fellow: *Don't* make the mistake convincing yourself that all these deep conversations and all you think you have sorted out w/this lady is in anyway noble or special, makes you soulmates, etc, etc. I made that mistake. Then, after some serious hard thought and sweeping out of some dark corners of my pysche (I had to go NC to do this, FYI), I realized that was yet another rationalization. The truth was, I had actually gotten myself into a situation that most normal ppl have the basic good sense to avoid outright. A humbling experience, for those who have a pretty inflated ego as regards the size of their intellect. But right now, all I read is you still glamourizing the whole mess. Its a start, but its far from resolved.

[straight&56]

Hey Straight, I'm glad you had that talk w/your friend. However, I would suggest you Google the phrase "Co-dependent". The fact that you two are 'friends' but can't be open about it to your spouses is a BIG red flag that something is still amiss.

Sorry, but I know *exactly* what you are doing. I've been there & it isn't fair to either of your spouses. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you need to know you two are on the verge of having an affair. An emotional one, if not a physical one (some would say you are already there).

Let me ask you this: Do you think your wife would be cool w/your friend calling you up at home to chat? Have you talked to your *wife* about this issue? You need to.

If the answer is yes, as is true in my case, then its all good and the relationship is probably an honest one. If not, then you two are in denial, which is worse in my opinion. This could drag on for years if you're not careful.

One last caution, b/c you seem like a sincere fellow: *Don't* make the mistake convincing yourself that all these deep conversations and all you think you have sorted out w/this lady is in anyway noble or special, makes you soulmates, etc, etc. I made that mistake. Then, after some serious hard thought and sweeping out of some dark corners of my pysche (I had to go NC to do this, FYI), I realized that was yet another rationalization. The truth was, I had actually gotten myself into a situation that most normal ppl have the basic good sense to avoid outright. A humbling experience, for those who have a pretty inflated ego as regards the size of their intellect. But right now, all I read is you still glamourizing the whole mess. Its a start, but its far from resolved.

Thanks Indi I read your first post and now this one.
I feel you are sincere.
No, not for one moment do I feel our conversation today confirms SOULMATE status. Not for one iota.

Be sure I am looking to protect my heart, at least in the short term, but the relief is so great from the conversation we had today that for the moment I am just being comfortable with that.

I need some relief from my emotional exhaustion and that is what I will take for now to build my strength up for what is to comes in the future.

Thanks Indie

[IndiReloaded]

You're welcome Straight. All the best.

[straight&56]

I still need help here - I want to make it work.

I want our friendship ( bonding ) to work long term. Not a full blown affair though, that's not an option.

Today we shared another shift together, the first after the phone call of 2 days ago.

Early in the shift I felt she was avoiding me despite the phone call and when I got chance I asked if she was. She said no -

just the work commitments - and this can happen in the volatile working environment we share.

Gave it another 2 hours or so and I had chance to talk with her privately for a short time.
I knew I was most likely to be mistaken on the 'family thing' but wanted confirmation and to give her opportunity to talk on

that if appropriate. So I brought it up again very gently. She said it had really miffed her when I said that about the 'family

thing' on the phone to her. So now I thought 'leave it alone for now'. Though I do think there is possibly something there that

is intensely personal. She said she has 3 sisters ( I knew of 2 ) to talk to anything like that about. ( So is there something,

I don't know ). If there is it is something she has kept from me despite our intense closeness in the past.
I won't bring it up again without careful guidance ( very dangerous ground ) unless she does.

This Saturday there is a 'works do' for another member of staff who is 40 years old and I have been invited. I know she is

going and I initially thought to go too though I don't usually go to 'works do's' in this employment. I would have been going

only because she would be there. Since learning of this today I have decided that the situation is potentially far too

delicate for me to be in the company of her with alcohol taken and I will not be going.

I won't risk the newly reformed friendship for a pint or two of beer.

Later in the shift we got on much better and talked almost as much as before these problems over the past 2 - 3 months.

I think this is the leading edge of love as it happens.

Yes I do do love her, of course I do.

Guide me on how to go forward. Give me options.

I'm not likely to leave my wife for someone 23 years younger than I though.

I think I'm F***ING crazy.

Am I?

straight&56