Torn between husband and son

[squirrley]

Been a long time since Ive been here, getting married and working full time leaves no time for Squirrley. Some of you guys might remember me. Heres the short story..my son went to Bootcamp has turned 18 and pulled a bad one. My husband and I were on his book tour. My son took my mother in laws BRAND NEW $16000 boat and basically totalled it. Of course my mom in law is PISSED to the max, said so many horrible things to him and he walked out, moved out. NOW my husband wont let him come home, I have decided to get a place for my son and I. He still has one yr left of HS and I will NOT displace him. I dont want a divorce but have some pretty negative feelings towards him, but yet I understand his POV. My son has pulled some shit this last year. Were moving in tonight and MY family loathes my husband now and so Im so torn. I love him but I wont put my child out. Im living with my son 6 days out of the week and basically will come over to see my husband twice a week. I HATE that Ive been put into this situation and I HATE to see everyone I love so upset, angry and all of those negative feelings and Im the one in the middle. Im just so sad. Ive only been married a little over a year and am not ready to throw my marriage out the window nor my son. My husband has put up with so much BS and he's doing all he can for us but refuses to let my son come home. Whose the child?? Anyway, if anyone has ANY encouragement I would be much obliged!! Im usually the optimistic one here who gave the optimistic advice, guess Im on the other end now!

Sad Sad Squirrley

[vashti]

Wow, what a sad position for you to be in. However, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Kids trump husbands in the end.

Will your husband hang in there for a year until your son gets through high school, and will he be prepared to move on at that point? Does he plan to go off to college?

[squirrley]

Hey V!! Gawd do I need to vent...Kyles going to AIT in May for the Military. He's basically on his own then. My goal now is to get my son stabilized again and finish HS. Were living 10 minutes from here, this was my husbands idea for me to have 2 households. He knows Im not leaving kid out there, he doesnt have the money to support himself, so the 800 I spend on utilities and food here Im using to pay over there and my husband will then pick it all up here. My family is so against this, but Im not ready for a divorce. There were a few things I confided in with my brother which he spilled the beans to my parents (not so good stuff about my hubby). They see him as an ass now. Kyle is excited about us moving in together, be like old times. I want to be there as long as I can, but I get the feeling already he's going to want me out sooner than later. Hes a good kid just made super bad error. Like we all have. My family is concerned in 2 weeks Ill come back to my husband, which they consider dumping him, but thats not my intention. I want to be there for as long as it takes. My hope is that things will calm down on his side of the family. I dont even want to see his mom. Although Kyle f'd up, his mom in my eyes made the situation what it is now.

My thougts are me being out on my own again will make or break my marriage. My husband just released his first book which is so successful right now and were suppose to doing other book tours, not gonna happen now. That sucks too. Where do I get the break???

[vashti]

I really hope your husband can hang in there and wait it out. You have a responsibility to your son, and quite honestly, it is nice to see a mother recognize this responsibility for a change. My husband's ex-wife gave up her kids for her husband, and they have never been able to forgive her.

Hopefully both you and your husband can take a hard-line stance with your families and tell them to butt out. They are all entitled to their opinions, but you don't have to hear about it. Things are obviously stressful enough for you. Trying to blend a new family when kids are involved is the *ultimate* in difficult situations.

What will you guys do about the boat?

[NeoSeminole]

as a third party member who isn't married nor have kids- and therefore, my judgment isn't clouded by emotions - I'm more inclined to side with the husband. Your son is 18 yrs old. He is an adult by law. Had the boat belonged to a stranger, your son would either be in jail or getting sued. Since I know he doesn't have $16,000, guess whose pocket the money would come from? Be thankful the worst that happened to him is he got kicked out of the house.

[squirrley]

Im thankful he's not in jail, my husband whose an attorney too, he told his mom it would ruin kyles military career. Ive got to start trying to mend my relationships all over. Theres a great deal of anomosity between the families. We had an accident with the boat right before that, hit a concrete pilon and were told damage couldve been done to the engine, kyle took it out not knowing that. hit an oyster bar. My hubby's bro took it out the next day for 8 hrs, so how is it that the fuel pump was blown, battery cables fried, battery fried, cylnder block had a crack and the shifter was fried. HOW is it possible for THAT extent of damage to be done and the boat can run the next day? Hmmm, I bring that up and no one wants to look at the brother for possiblities especially when other things were damaged on the boat but no one will say anything? No one knows the EXACT damage that was done due to our accident than it going out again. Just seems fishy to me.

I cant wait to move out, I have alot of anger towards my mother in law. I give her every right to be angry but she crossed the line. And although my husband stuck up for my son, she's..well she has severe bi-polar and we saw a bad side to it that day, but my son wont be able to understand that yet. Kyle feels remorse and realizes just taking the boat out for half hour, what damage this has caused all the way around. Im so sad, because what I thought I had, a real family has become so torn apart. Things wont be the same, and I dont know if we can survive. But my son absalutely has to come first right now. Hes still in HS...

Families are suppose to help eachother and spouses well for better or for worse, well this is the worst. I hope to be able to stabilize my son and myself through this process. Myhusband is willing to wait it out no problem. Were 10 minutes up the road. I need mega strength through this.

As for the boat, its being repaired. Insurance covered it under collision. Where my husband was hoping they'd total it, shed get her money and hed tell her to invest in a CD.

[vashti]

Obviously there is nothing more that can be done as far as the boat goes. At least she was insured, and I am sure you will cover any expenses not covered by insurance (I hope your son is expected to pay back). Anyone who parents teenagers is aware this sort of stuff can happen, especially with boys. I understand your MIL being upset, but when she gets her boat back, I hope she will be able to move on.

When my sister got remarried and moved back east, her son took a can of spray paint and "decorated" his new uncle's entire bedroom (even the carpet).

Squirrley, how is your son adjusting to the new family dynamics?

[misombra]

did he take the boat without her permission?

[vashti]

as a third party member who isn't married nor have kids- and therefore, my judgment isn't clouded by emotions - I'm more inclined to side with the husband. Your son is 18 yrs old. He is an adult by law. Had the boat belonged to a stranger, your son would either be in jail or getting sued. Since I know he doesn't have $16,000, guess whose pocket the money would come from? Be thankful the worst that happened to him is he got kicked out of the house.

I can't see kicking a kid out that hasn't yet graduated high school. After high school, for sure, but not before. Anyway, squirrley says he is usually a good kid, so I will accept that at face value.

[Illusional]

first, i would've kicked kyle's little ass for being a dumb shit.. i know that he's done a lot in the past, but this takes the cake. comming from one idiot...if someone doesn't show you how much you're f*cking up in life, it will only get worse... i think by 19 i started to get into E, which leaves one more year to kyle to enter into that domain if he finds his way there. squirt, you gotta be a lot more strict with him.

as for your husband.. so are the two of you separated now? i personally wouldn't jump so quick to a divorce, being that you two are still rather newlyweds. one divorce is more than enough for one life time, but if the cards don't roll with you, then it's time to call it quits.

raverboy

[squirrley]

Kyle actually doesnt want to come back here. He just wanted to know he could. I told my husband that today and he didnt say anything. My husbands family adored Kyle and was calling my husband "dad". but thats all gone. He's VERY hurt by mom in law.

My family is now irate with me because Im not leaving my husband. I dont feel thats necessary. Tensions are just too high. Kyle hurt my hubby pretty bad with some false accusations but he's since sincerely apologized but not good enough.

I too truly pray my MIL gets past this, she says she will but who knows. Kyle is setting up our new place and Im running back forth with household things. I broke down and cried today.

Kyles paying his due share. But I think in the long run my son is getting the royal shaft from my hubby's family, and mom comes first before wife. Im hoping Kyle can graduate early(its his own goal). And a few months he'll be fine. Got a huge position at work and will make enough to support himself til he gets to AIT in May.

I know I shouldve come down harder on him in the past, but I did the best I could being a single parent. Hes turned out great, mades some wonderful long term decisions for himself, but hey we were all kids once and did some stupid shit in the past. I know he's learned a valuable lesson here. And its my responsiblity to make sure he graduates and has a successful life.

Anyway, V-youre awesome, thank you so much for your support!

[squirrley]

Raver my man I agree with you. And he's getting his ass kicked, in more ways than necessary. I miss it here and hope to be on more often in the next week. Moving out tomorrow.

Kyle can and has been a shithead, but he's a good person too. Everyone makes mistakes and he's trying to amend. I've gotta get myself together too. Otherwise between our families I'm going to have a meltdown.

[Gigabitch]

Kids make mistakes. This one was rather dramatic, but not the worst I've ever heard.

Bottom line, though, is you don't throw your kid out. You just don't. When your husband married you, he signed up for having Kyle around until he finished high school, and throwing him out now, regardless of what happened, is just plain wrong.

You're doing the right thing, and it sounds like you're unshakable in it. I wish your family could be supportive to you without being hateful toward your husband, but there may be time to fix that later.

I'm not a big fan of mothers in law anyway (mine was an absolute twat), so maybe I'm a little biased when I think your husband should stand by you rather than her. Then again, maybe he's a mama's boy. I don't know.

[squirrley]

OMG first time I smiled today! Thanks Giga! I would definetly say Chris and his brothers and STILL being supported by their mom no matter what they do, thats why I get so angry. Even at their age of 35, mom bails them out too.

Im staying with kyle. I hope over time EVERYONE will settle down and do their part to repair the relationships. I USE to really enjoy spending time with my MIL, but now Im avoiding her like the plague, and my husband is supporting us. Hes doing what he can too, although I still believe this is all wrong.

Stand by my son, stand by man. hmmm yea 5 days with my son and 2 with my hubby. Will have to do.

[Illusional]

so i still don't understand, you aren't separated with your husband or anything right??

raverboy