a poem.

[miSSleepy]

Gahh, look, my intentions and this thread has been blown out of proportion by everyone including myself.

I never implied that this poem should be publishable and perfect, merely that he use some poetic technique - which does NOT mean that it won't be from the heart.

I can't write when it's not from the heart, but it's still possible to put a bit of craft in there too.

And please, if you're going to say I'm closeminded and whatnot, judge me by ALL of my posts - not posts on a single thread about a single topic.

My pride is intact though, the only thing I've blown is time and effort.

[vashti]

But miSSleepy, most importantly: what did you think of the poem I posted? Perhaps something was lost in the translation?

[miSSleepy]

What did I think of it? I liked it, it's potent and comical. Why?


damn edits:
yes, maybe something was lost, maybe something was gained - unless I read and speak the original language I won't know. As it stands, I like it because it drew my attention and I'm still thinking about it

[IndiReloaded]

this land
is no farming land

it eats
all them years
the dear seed

and never gives it back

[vashti]

Ooh, an original, indi?

[anachronistic]

i got a book of poetry that would drive missleepy insane. just check out brian andreas

[miSSleepy]

I looked up Brian. He's mostly a storyteller and artist?
Why do you think he'd drive me insane? What's this book of poetry that would drive me insane and why? Please inform me.

[IndiReloaded]

Ooh, an original, indi?

Just wondering what the experts have to say. Whatdya think Vash? I'm open to honest critique. I tried to choose one that is similar in style to the one the OP posted.

[vashti]

It sounds like an allegory for a bad marriage. I like it.

[IndiReloaded]

It sounds like an allegory for a bad marriage. I like it.

That's a *very* interesting take on the poem. Thanks!

[cuddlemonster]

lol look what my poem has done!!!!! it has fulfilled its purpose, to ignite peoples emotions and creativity take that, biotch.

[cuddlemonster]

keep up the dismal failure of the public school systems.

[miSSleepy]

keep up the dismal failure of the public school systems.

oo oo ...


no I won't say it, not here.




But in all honesty cuddlemonster, the wrong aspect of your poem ignited this.


Indi:

this land
is no farming land

it eats
all them years
the dear seed

and never gives it back

It feels dismal
I stumbled a bit on the middle because of the srange syntax, but that middle made me read it again, and again.
What i got from it:
literally talking about land and its failure to grow crops
an infertile woman's body
so in essence the poem ends up inadvertantly comparing this women's body to infertile land, without explictly doing so. Don't you think that's very effective? The poem is simple, but more grounded, more tangible, and can lead off into different tangets that all still come back to the same theme.

[IndiReloaded]

Indi:

this land
is no farming land

it eats
all them years
the dear seed

and never gives it back

It feels dismal
I stumbled a bit on the middle because of the srange syntax, but that middle made me read it again, and again.
What i got from it:
literally talking about land and its failure to grow crops
an infertile woman's body
so in essence the poem ends up inadvertantly comparing this women's body to infertile land, without explictly doing so. Don't you think that's very effective? The poem is simple, but more grounded, more tangible, and can lead off into different tangets that all still come back to the same theme.

Thanks Missy. But would you define this as poetry? Would you say it uses tools & technique? Just curious.

[miSSleepy]

Thanks Missy. But would you define this as poetry? Would you say it uses tools & technique? Just curious.

I'd define it as poetry. I'm sure you could play around with it some more, add things, take away things, restructure it - and one of the end products MAY be better, but may not. As it is now it still offers something.

Tools and techniques? Yes... strong image, enjambment, stanza`structure...

I think John Unrau did a good job

I especially like this one though:

Maggie Tries to Connect

all night she has listened for a voice
not her own
behind the guttering of candles,
riffle of cards,
edges of silence
when radio signals fade

she has worn out her lovers,
abandoned her gurus,
exhausted the Goddess
and the last of the wolves

now under this old oak
she waits in winter light
for a pulse of air
to set the dry leaves whispering again
as once or twice at sixteen

the still small voice
the unheard melodies