Hard Predicament

[thealoneone]

Hello everyone,

Well here is my story.

I have been with my girlfriend for 9 months now and we decided to move in with each other 3 months ago. We are not young kids and made the mature decision to give it ago.

Everything has been great, we have enjoyed each other's company and not one argument. However this week my girlfriend told me that she woke up last week and saw me more as a friend rather than a boyfriend.

We have always been passionate and intimate. Everyone is shocked. There is nobody else involved and she is leaving me when our lease runs out.

Is there anyway I can win her back? Im certainly not going to beg, that would drive her away..

[Tiay]

she seems cold.. that's not much of an explanation.

gotta ask.. how much sex were you having? the less sex, the less love chemicals, the less commitment.

[thealoneone]

If im honest, we have been doing it for a while. Ive been suffering from a bit of stress and the old performance anxiety, but she stresses that this has got nothing to do with it.

[Tiay]

it's not intentional. But seriously, getting off (with a partner) makes you produce oxytocin, which creates bonding and trust. However, that alone shouldn't be enough to make her leave you.. After all, I haven't even seen my bf for weeks and i'm not suddenly seeing him as only a friend.

what's your situation now? are you just living together "as friends" till the lease is up? a-w-k-w-a-r-d-!

This is weird. there isn't anything you can do if her mind is made up. does she seem certain??

[Ziffmonger]

Hmmm. I can only imagine that there is a thicker plot then what you are telling us...How would you know if there is no other one involved. Do you trust your girlfriend? It just sounds "fishy" like something is missing here...I could be wrong though, things in life do just happen at the blink of an eye-believe me.

[thealoneone]

Well she never goes out cos she is new to the city and when she does its with me or family..

I dont know what to do!

[squirrley]

Just out of the blue she tells you this? You didnt see any signs or anything? People dont typically just wake up and tell you something like that. She's obviously been thinking about this for a long time.

You can try to talk to her and find out what happened or what went wrong, where did she start feeling this way? And Im assuming she's only staying there to help pay financially? Doesnt want to screw you twice over. But I can tell you living with a SO that turns friends is NOT easy and is almost hell when the other person isnt there emotionally any longer.

Just talk to her, but sounds like she maybe already emotionally detached from you. Some women like to brew about it and really think things through before spilling the beans. Goodluck to you!

[Gigabitch]

I would love to hear her side of this story. I wonder if she's got someone else.

[Ziffmonger]

Me too-I'd really be interested in her take. No one just wakes up with a decision like that without having thought about it beforehand.

[thealoneone]

Honestly, there isnt anyone else.

She has always been shy and quiet natured. However she has done something similar before when she was 18, however she didnt live with the guy and that was many years ago..

[Charlie Boy II]

I've done this with girls before. Fall madly for them, take them to dinners, proudly show them off to my friends. Then I wake up one morning, look at them and think to myself "You're really not that attractive."

I don't know what you can do. I would advise acting cold towards her, like you have your own life and really, you're kind of glad its ending. That's your best shot.

[Tiay]

Honestly, there isnt anyone else.

She has always been shy and quiet natured. However she has done something similar before when she was 18, however she didnt live with the guy and that was many years ago..

hm, well *something* sure must've been going through her mind.. she told you it happened a week ago right? Maybe you can ask her what happened there? If she's shy, maybe she was brewing on something, like some little problem or other you were having in the relationship that didn't seem significant to you..?

[Gigabitch]

I've done this with girls before. Fall madly for them, take them to dinners, proudly show them off to my friends. Then I wake up one morning, look at them and think to myself "You're really not that attractive."

How long does this phase last, Charlie Boy? I'm imagining not long enough to move in together.

[GrkScorp]

I'm going on a long-shot here and taking what you said about "never been in an argument", to hint towards a couple of different things.

First of all, arguments are great. No, i'm not crazy, we all hate them, but they're a very important part of a relationship. Because there are tons of barriers to communication posed by social norms & stigmas, arguments provide a way to burst out saying what really bothers you.. (We just don't have enough sex!, I hate it when you, I can't take it anymore, I want to go out more often, We just don't do anything fun anymore, You're no longer romantic!, etc.)

Arguments are important for women in a relationship, because they waste all this time trying to "hint" things to men, until they finally realize that men don't understand hints! So, when they just SAY what they want to say, actual communication and understanding takes place.

So one thing to think about, is that there may have been a quiet & subtle breakdown in communication; hints that you were not picking up on, and she never wanted to raise an argument, so she has just given up. Nobody wakes up one day and sees you more like a friend than a boyfriend..... UNLESS!!!

Unless you failed to be a boyfriend! Now, i'm sure you're a great guy, I know you are because of the positive effort you're taking to win her over. But being a good boyfriend is ALOT more than that. Here are a couple of things to consider;

1. Men take 5 seconds on average to get sexually aroused. Women take anywhere from 5mins-45mins! And during that time, a delicate combination of auditory, visual and physical stimulation has to take place. (Translation: lots of tenderness, cuddleing, snuggleing, lots of romantic conversation, dim lights, you have to be well groomed to the last detail, small details that are slightly "off" can kill the entire mood).

2. You have to be romantic. It sounds cheezy, believe me, I know more than anyone how cheezy it sounds, but it's true. You just have to show her that you think about her during the day, every day! This is alot to ask, especially since men don't think about ANYTHING during the day unless they HAVE to (example: work). But it's not as hard as it sounds. You just have to listen more actively. She wanted to bunch some papers together, so during the day, drop by the $1 store and get her some paper clips, come back home and say "here, I know you wanted to bunch some papers together in the morning/yesterday, so I picked up some paper clips for you". Sounds retarded right? But half the women on this forum are probably thinking "Wow, I wish my bf/husband did that for me, or thought of me that often to do those things".

3. Realize that women & men have different FUN formulas. For men, it's easy; (Fun = Sex). For women, it's not that simple. When you say that had sex often, that's great; but for who? Obviously you were shocked, because you didn't feel like anything was wrong; that's because you were too caught up on how great things were for you, and you never cared to ask how things must be like for her. Women are social creatures, and need interaction with groups of people. They like to go outside the house, and do things other than sex for fun. Go for walks, go for lunch, dinner, plays, shopping, etc. Even though you may not think you're interacting with people, a female's limbic cortex is having an orgasm! Google (limbic cortex, specifically the amygdala).

4. Failure to bond. I'm not talking about Bonding, like sex fettish bonding. I'm not even talking about sex here either. It seems that you're failed to note anything else besides sex that both of you have "bonded" in. Paying rent together doesn't count. You haven't owned a pet together, you haven't engaged in an exclusive/mutual hobby together (example: dancing, singing, art, cooking, etc.), you have basically not tapped into her Prefrontal Cortex and made her feel that YOU are a part of her life. She can't look at the pet cat/dog and think "aww, that's OUR dog", she can't think of an activity like singing and think "aww, that's what WE used to do together". There is basically very little for her to connect with, and very little she will be departing from, besides sex, and a common living space.

I really hope you get the time to read this post carefully, and at least 3 times! Read it, and I want you to understand that she's feeling the way she is, because you've neglected her as a woman. I want you to realize what you didn't do, what she NEEDS as a woman, and what you should change about the way you are with her if you really love her. Once you realize and feel the change in yourself, only then can you go up to her and honestly express the fact that you've realized what you weren't doing this whole time, how sorry you are, and that you understand what YOU have to do to make things work.

Hope everything works out,

Best,

[Charlie Boy II]

How long does this phase last, Charlie Boy? I'm imagining not long enough to move in together.

It's happened in just about every relationship I've been in. Longest one was a year. The pheremone bonds gradually weakened and then one day I looked at her and I could almost hear the "snap" of them breaking. After that it was only a question of working up the courage to tell her. That's not to say I didn't feel bad about it though.

I think people often make the mistake of looking for a reason behind that sort of thing when there just isn't one. In fact, I think that often the so-called "reasons" are symptoms of the above, not causes.