Dinner with the Playboy, my new attitude, and thanks.

[Lynae]

First of all, thanks to every one for the advice and opinions on my first post. I took it all to heart (even the things I didn't necessarily want to hear) and it made a difference in how things turned out.

Well, dinner itself went well. Playboy (that's what I'll refer to him as now, lol) is a great cook. I took homemade brownies along with vanilla ice cream and red raspberry sauce to put on top. We cuddled for a little while on the couch after we ate but there was an odd vibe to the night. I realize now that it was ME making it uncomfortable with all my own insecurities and issues. About 1/2 an hour after we ate, he got up and changed his clothes. When I questioned him, he said he was going to shoot pool. To say I was hurt was an understatement. I know he always plays pool on Tuesdays. I just assumed that since he had plans with me that I was going to get to spend more time with him. I was only there for an hour and a half. I waited for him to invite me but he didn't. He used to ask me to go places like that with him so I was hurt. I suppose I could have asked if I could come along. I'm sure he would have said yes. But I was just plain hurt. I left there literally in tears. He knew I was pissed off and hurt.

I went to the restaurant I work at and sat in the bar complaining to the bartender and a waitress. Just getting it out made me feel better. So I left there and did something I've NEVER done in my life. I walked into a bar I've never been in before by myself. I didn't know anyone and I was petrified. But for some reason, I just felt like it was something I had to do. I sat down, started talking to people, shot pool, and had FUN. I'm not shy, but in a situation like that, usually I am. I don't go anywhere alone...EVER. It was an eye opener for me, as cheesy as it sounds. I felt empowered, kinda like, "I don't need Playboy in my life. And I definitely don't need to follow him around like a lost puppy."

In a moment of weakness, I dialed his number as I was leaving. I hung up right away realizing it was a mistake. He called back right away & asked me to come over because his friends wanted to meet me. In another moment of weakness, I did. I'm glad though. I felt a little uncomfortable because he was paying more attention to everyone else than me and I complained about it to another guy that was there. He was telling Playboy to open his eyes because he had a beautiful woman that was head over heels in love with him and if he didn't shape up he was gonna lose me. In that moment I realized something: I'm better than that. If someone has to be *TOLD* to want me, I don't want them. So I left. He told me he loved me before I left. I just gave him a kiss and said goodbye.

So here's my new attitude. I realized that even though I told him I didn't want a serious relationship right now either, I was sending mixed signals. I was expecting him to pay attention to me and only me when other people were around. I was expecting him to drop his plans for me. I was acting like a controlling girlfriend, which is not like me at all. I was doing it because I was so insecure after he told me he loved me and then backed off. But I think by doing all of those things, I pushed him away even more. I still plan to see him. He wanted to sleep with me that night. I turned him down. I was proud of that, though I've done it before. But from here on out, I'm going to act as no more than his friend. I'm not going to get my feelings hurt if he doesn't call me. I'm not going to expect him to drop everything for me like he did in the beginning. There was a reason he backed off. Neither of us are ready for a real commitment yet. So why the heck was I playing the jealous girlfriend role when in reality I A) Am not his girlfriend and B) Am not the jealous type? Insecurity. Well, no more. Is he worth waiting for? Yes, for now I think so. Is he worth stopping my life for? No. Is he worth LETTING myself get my heart stepped on? No way. I brought most of it on myself because I was acting stupid. I wasn't being played for a fool because I was acting like one. I know I'm better than that. And ya know, it feels good to finally open my eyes and realize it. Now I can be me again.

I don't know what will happen between us in the future. But one thing I DO know is that I was pushing him away by trying to throw myself in his face. I'll never make that mistake with anyone again. If he decides he wants to pursue me, I'll be here, staying guarded. If not, I'll be his friend.

Thanks again to everyone. All of your comments and advice really did help me open my eyes. Sometimes it takes someone who's on the outside looking in to be blunt enough & give me a kick in the ass to get me to listen.

[Charlie Boy II]

I reckon you were well within your rights to get the shits. He asked you over dinner and then he gets up in the middle of it to go and play pool? What an odd thing to do.

You should've just gone home with your dignity intact. You shouldn't have called for one ring and hung up. You shouldn't have answered his call. You sure shouldn't have gone over to meet him later.

You most certainly should not have turned up and then proceeded to complain to his friends about how he wasn't paying you enough attention. That was a silly, silly, silly thing to do.

It wasn't your insecurity that was making you behave oddly. It was your self-respect banging against the cellar door you seem to have it locked in.

[squirrley]

Girl good for you to see and recognize issues that stem within yourself. Thats a step up. I dont think it was a good idea for you to call and hang up, however it DID set things in motion for you. Realizing you have to tell HIS friends and they have to tell him. Thats child's play.

You can also sit there and say ok this was all of my fault because Im a jealous person, BUT HE too has alot to do with what youre feeling. I honestly believe he's not ready for a serious relationship knowing he's out dating other people. I still believe you want to be the one and only and thats just not going to happen anytime soon. But its good youre seeing things now and are going to let go to some degree.

Getting out on your own doing things on your own and spending time with other people is what you need. Urgh its so frustrating when I see so many people who are so dependant on someone else. The only person who can make you happy is YOURSELF. And youre starting to see that, good for you! Its an added bonus when you find someone who can enhance that happiness but it has to be someone whose willing to do it with you!

Good for you and I know things will work out for you too. Just keep your head up and start crawling away from him!!!!

I did want to say though, him just up and going to play pool knowing you had plans was so shitty.

[Gigabitch]

Next time, bring the brownies over to my house, first of all. I'll go out and shoot pool with you.

Have you read any of those "He's Just Not That Into You" things? I know it's cheesy, and of course the guy that wrote it is not exactly a stud in my estimation, but the book is funny and usually dead-on.

One of my friends bought it for me when I was in denial about the unworthiness of a particular ass-clown a few years back, and it actually helped.

[Michael6084]

ass-clown

that is a great term

[Lynae]

Charlie ~ I don't regret any of the "stupid" things I did that night because I learned something from each of them. They all got me one step closer to realizing all of the mistakes I was making. I do have self respect. Lots of it. My judgment was just clouded for the first time in my life by a man who said all the right things. Now I know why I don't normally let my guard down.

Squirrley ~ I know he's not ready for a relationship, and neither am I. I think it's odd that even though I'm really not ready to settle down again I was playing the jealous girlfriend role when I really had no right. I think I really just fell for everything he was saying because I saw the sincerity in his eyes...and because it all started so fast, like a whirlwind. I know that's a recipe for disaster right there, especially for two people who just got out of long relationships within the last few months. (Mine was 11 years, his 12.) I've never been one to define myself by a boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter. I'm actually a very independent, and quite stubborn person. One problem in my last relationship was that he didn't want separate identities & I did. He thought that because we were a couple we didn't need outside activities or friends. It drove me insane. Yet for a few weeks, I became someone very similar. I hate that. But again, I did learn from it so it's all good.

Giga ~ Next time, it's you, me, & a pan of homemade brownies. I'd much rather share them with someone who enjoys the fattening goodness of them without wanting to get into my pants later too. haha I actually have read some of that "He's Just Not That Into You" things online. Some of it fits to a T...but a lot points to the fact that he is into me, he's just not ready.

So we'll see how it all pans out. First and foremost, we are friends. I'd like to keep it that way for now. If anything comes of it, great. But I'm not going to go out of my way to make it happen at this point. I do enjoy his company and before all of the emotions started to cloud our judgment, we had a blast and laughed together a lot. I miss that.

He is truly being an ass-clown (I like that term too). But did I mention he's friggen H-O-T?? LMAO No, I'm just kidding. He's not the only good looking man that pays attention to me. Who knows...maybe someone better will come along and NOT play games. Or maybe Playboy will get his head out of his ass when he's done having his "fun" & come around. We'll see if I'm still interested if/when that happens. But for now, I'm gonna enjoy my life and have fun...and enjoy finding out who I am apart from someone else. It's been a long time coming.

[squirrley]

Lynae! I too dated someone who was freakn slamn HOT and he still is! Everyone from here a few yrs ago can tell you, I met him in here of all places, Ironliftr. Geezuz, we had our pics posted. We looked awesome together and I DID the same things you did, and imposed the ultimatum. He likes being single and be able to date around. I just wasnt for it. He was so good to me, and he's still the same great guy. We still talk, but he likes to roam. Not to say he sleeps with every woman, but the thought of him being with other people just drove me nuts. Therefore we stopped the romantic relationship and have remained friends. Hes such a great person too.


My suggestion is after being with someone for so long, you need the time to heal and be by yourself. I was alone for 5 yrs after my 10 yr relationship was over. It was a great time for ME. So its good youre realizing so many things.

I want some brownies too!!!

[IndiReloaded]

Good for you Lynae. He'll be a bit dismayed to find you have a backbone that won't bend over for him under current circumstances. He may withdraw further, be aware, b/c you are going to be 'work' for him now.

Leave him alone for a while. Let him call you. Put the brakes on the sex, would be my advice. Let other women be his wild oats.

B/c, in the end, if he *does* want you, he will respect you for respecting yourself. And if he doesn't want you? You've lost nothing & kept your self-respect in the process.

[Lynae]

Well, when I back off, he calls like crazy. I have to admit that I love being chased! I'm supposed to go out dancing with some friends tonight after work & we'll probably end up hanging out where he does because it's right across the street from work. My plan is to nonchalantly talk to him and dance with him a little bit but back away when he gravitates to me on the dance floor like he usually does. It's gonna be hard cuz MAN, THIS GUY CAN DANCE!! But I've invited a guy that one of my coworkers introduced me to and I know he's into me. (Not bad looking either.) So fortunately for me (and unfortunately for him), Playboy will not be the only man trying to keep my attention tonight. I sort of feel like a bitch throwing it right in his face like that, but hey, he does the same thing to me. Two can play that game. I know it's not really a game but I'm not a spineless jellyfish and he's about to find that out. I didn't return his calls last night either because I knew exactly what he was calling for, although I did talk to him earlier in the day when he called from work. I'm talking to him enough to keep him interested, but not there whenever he wants a piece. I don't think he likes it much and it very well may drive him to someone else, at least for the sex. But she can be his cheap little toy because I refuse. Like you said, Indi, if he ends up respecting me more for it in the end, great! And if not, I really haven't lost anything. Best of all, I've kept my self respect in tact.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think he likes it much and it very well may drive him to someone else, at least for the sex. But she can be his cheap little toy because I refuse.

Meh, if all he wants is sex, let someone else give it to him.

Other guys don't have a problem w/being sexually exclusive w/one woman, esp when they are really into her (ha).

This guy sounds like a man-child, FWIW. Do you really want him for anything serious at this point anyway?

Be nice to your other male friend, BTW. Its not nice to use him. If I were you I would just make an effort to have fun w/this man tonight. Let your other guy see it, but don't respond to his advances.