She said she needed "Space" and wanted to keep in touch, but...

[Moonbaseone]

Ok, Me and my Ex were going out for 11 months. We meet through a friend in here class. She saw a pic of mine on his PC and asked him to give me her number. So after about 3 weeks I called. Figured, what did I have to lose.


Everything was going really good, we got along great and eventually feel in love. We even talked about marraige, me adopting her 1 y/o daughter, and buying a house together. Though not soon, but one day.

We were even going to Church together, talking about taking vacations together, etc...

Then, one day she goes, "we need to talk". I'm like, ok. So, when I get to her place, she starts by saying, "You know I love you, right?". I'm like, Yes. Then she starts saying how she is going through alot of stuff, how she hates her job, and needs to start doing for herself. She says that she feels that she is depending on me too much. She said that everytime she needed me I was there. Says she "NEEDS SPACE". She wants to get everything in order and doesn't want to see me until she is ready.

So, ofcourse I was pissed, but I just said, WOW!!! we talked alittle bit more. Then I left.

Two days later she calls me and we are talking, though I didn't really want to at the time. And she has been calling off and on for about 3 weeks. She got upset cause I wasn't calling her. I was like, "well, you needed space and didn't want to see me so..."? She said I was just acting funny because of what "we" were going through.

Then, she invites me over for Thanksgiving but I didn't go becasue of how things are. I figure if you don't want to see me and need your space, I won't be coming out there. I then sent her and her daughter a XMAS gift via UPS. She gets them and calls me to say thanks. She says, "What did I do to deserve this"?(the gift). Then she goes, "I guess this means you won't be coming over for XMAS?" I go, I don't know. Seeing as you said you needed "space" and didn't want to see me". The she gets upset and say, "Why? You act like we aren't going to end up together again!"

So, I call her 2 days later to have "THE" talk. I told her, I am willing to wait till she is ready, but I won't wait forever. Then I asked about her saying I was acting like we weren't going to ge back together. And she says, Ohh yeah, I shouldn't have said that.

So, she said she wants to be friends after all we been through. I was like, ok. But, I don't think that will last if we don't get back together.

It seems like she wants me to wait on the sidelines until she is ready again. Even though she did tell me, that If someone asks me out and I like them, to go ahead and go out with them, she just wants me to let her know if/when things get serious with me and the other person.

Also, she left me two voice mail messages saying "I Still Love You" at the end.....???

While I am sure she does, the fact that she doesn't want to see me for awhile....


But, I am wondering how long she thinks I am going to wait. Because, I kinda have a feeling that she will be hurt if I were to move on. She already asked me once, "Are you breaking up with me"?

I keep thinking though, if we were to get back together, what will she do when things get tough again? Bail out again?

By The Way, I am 28 and she is 21 and I know that has ALOT to do with things. But I figure when you love someone, saying you don't want to see them till you "fix' things is not a good way of showing it. I figured, you fix whatever you are going through together, maybe I was wrong?

It's almost like, I was being too nice?

[squirrley]

Oh man. She wants her space and you too. As a back up. She sounds like she really cares for you and wants to remain friends at this point. How old is she? If shes early 20's then yea she may be going through her own issues and has absalutely nothing to do with you. New mom and all too.

My advice would be to let her do her own thing for now but you in the meantime start living your own life. Dont wait around for her.
Doesnt mean you cant be her friend, but dont make yourself available to her 24-7. Which sounds like you are not. Good start.

You cant sit around waiting for someone to make a decision. She would then have control over you. Do you really want that? Let her know you'll be there as a friend and youre thankful for the time you had together, but you need to move on with your life as well.

goodluck!

[Ironliftr3]

Although, I agree with Squirrley for the most part, right now, I wouldn't even be there as a friend. You want your space, you've got it, and be GONE. Stay OUT of her life, and make sure she KNOWS you will be doing this. No calls, no emails, no cards, no gifts. Let her know that you are NOT going to be her fall back guy, or her emotional tampon when she needs somebody. You need to give her a chance to MISS you, which she won't do if you're still there for her, even emotionally. Make her see first hand what it's like to have you completely out of her life.

If it was meant to be, she'll come back. If it wasn't, you may save yourself the pain of hanging on, and waiting to find out "what she's feeling today".

Given time, you may be able to rekindle a friendship, but given the situation RIGHT NOW, it's best for BOTH of you if you keep your distance.

[sfalexi]

You're situation is SOOO similar to mine, I'm going to break it down and spell it out for you (also while hopefully answering some questions you had and giving you some other stuff to think about.)

Then, one day she goes, "we need to talk". I'm like, ok.....She says that she feels that she is depending on me too much. She said that everytime she needed me I was there. Says she "NEEDS SPACE". She wants to get everything in order and doesn't want to see me until she is ready.

Exactly what my girl said to me four weeks ago.

Two days later she calls me and we are talking, though I didn't really want to at the time. And she has been calling off and on for about 3 weeks. She got upset cause I wasn't calling her. I was like, "well, you needed space and didn't want to see me so..."? She said I was just acting funny because of what "we" were going through.

I'll tell you why. Because, since this situation is nearly IDENTICAL to the one I'm in (as I'll prove with further quotes and confirmations that that's the exact situation with me) I can tell you why (my girlfriend explained to me why I should expect this).

Your girlfried knows very well, that it's "Outta sight, outta mind." And she truly loves you, and wants to get back together. But in order for her to even have a chance of getting back together, she has to maintain contact and being your friend so you won't forget her. You and her have a history together. You have a past. So she knows that when she's ready, unless you're in a serious relationship, you'll still remember her, and with your history would hopefully take her back. If she DOESN"T call you and hang out with you, she blows any chance of getting back together completely. At least the first way, she knows she HAS a fighting chance.

Then, she invites me over for Thanksgiving but I didn't go becasue of how things are. I figure if you don't want to see me and need your space, I won't be coming out there. I then sent her and her daughter a XMAS gift via UPS. She gets them and calls me to say thanks. She says, "What did I do to deserve this"?(the gift). Then she goes, "I guess this means you won't be coming over for XMAS?" I go, I don't know. Seeing as you said you needed "space" and didn't want to see me". The she gets upset and say, "Why? You act like we aren't going to end up together again!"

For you, "space" means no contact whatsoever. For her, "space" means you are back to a casual dating situation. Seeing each other here and there for a cup of coffee, to talk and get updates, while not being serious (and probably not physical if you were before).

It seems like she wants me to wait on the sidelines until she is ready again.

It feels like that to me too. Cause that's what it is. She called the break, so she obviously has to be the one to tell you when it's ended. It's HER break. So no matter what, you have to wait until SHE feels ready to continue.

I keep thinking though, if we were to get back together, what will she do when things get tough again? Bail out again?

Logical thinking. But how tough is it now for her? And will she get stronger from this so she can handle more? And after this ordeal will be with you long enough to accept your help in dealing with whatever problems she might have?

Even though she did tell me, that If someone asks me out and I like them, to go ahead and go out with them, she just wants me to let her know if/when things get serious with me and the other person.

The exact same thing my ex told me on that day (I'm telling you you have a nearly IDENTICAL situation). The reason she said this is because she doesn't mind if you go out on dates. She understands that you will get frustrated QUICKER if you felt like you had to wait for her and only her. But by giving you this option, you can go on a date here and there and not be frustrated thinking about how you can't go out because of her.

The reason she asked to you tell her it's serious (like my gf did to me) was because she is waiting around for you and willing to take you back. But if it gets serious she wants to know that she is going to need to move on. Likewise, she might go out here or there with another guy since she gave you the liberty, however she will also tell you that it becomes serious so YOU know there's no chance of you two getting back together.

But, I am wondering how long she thinks I am going to wait.

I don't know how long I'll wait, but I too won't wait forever. Especially if go on a date with someone and I really like them and it's about to get serious.

I kinda have a feeling that she will be hurt if I were to move on.

Cause she will be. She called a "break with contact" so she can have a chance to get you back. But if you move on, her chance is lost. And she'll be hurt.

By The Way, I am 28 and she is 21

It's the opposite for me.

I figured, you fix whatever you are going through together, maybe I was wrong?

That's what I tried and tried to get my ex to do. But she insisted that she needs the space to think clearer without me being around (since in my case the issue is whether or not she really loves me rather than YOUR issue of her dealing with a lot of things)

It's almost like, I was being too nice?

This is another difference between you and me. I was being nice, but after dating for 13 months (that's how long it was for me), she didn't love me. I felt love for her, but she was unclear as to whether she is in love with me (because to her, love also means sex. And she, after screwing up with one guy when she was fifteen, has not had sex with anyone for 13 years. And decided to save herself next for a guy she truly loved that she knows is worth it). And I don't understand that after all I do with/for her, and how I treat and respect her, after one year, (also her longest, and best relationship) she doesn't feel that I'm worthy enough to love.

basically, you're delimma is to sort out her issues, why she needs the break, do you want to get back together, and how long you're willing to wait. Till the end of the semester? Till after summer? Not that long at all? It's up to you. You can 'break' the break so to speak, and move on without her. Or you can wait for a while and see if things clear up and she's ready to return to you. And then, you choose whether to take her back or not. That you need to find yourself though.

Hope I explaines some things above.

Alexi

[Moonbaseone]

Thanks. That really helped.

Ironically, she called me a few days ago and we talked for a couple of minutes. She asked why I didn't call her in awhile. I said, well, i have been busy and my phone does recieve calls too. She said, I know, thats why I'm calling now. Then she goes, let me call you right back after I park the car. She never called me back. Then a few days after, she sends me a text saying "hi". I reply saying "Hey" and that was it. She didn't write anything else. I didn't write her again and I haven't called her.

Seems like a game or something.

[sfalexi]

Seems like a game or something

If it seems like a game to you and she's not calling when she said she would, call her and ask what's reallly going on. My ex calls me when she says she will. If she says I'll call you Thursday night to make plans for the weekend, she calls Thursday night. Likewise, if I were to tell her I'll call her at such and such a time, I call.

It's not like you have anything left to "lose" if you just straight up ask her, "Why didn't you call me back after parking the car like you said you would? Why haven't you been calling like you said you would? Do you still want to stay in touch with me?"

Get the straight answer. Then you know whether to move on completely or not.

Alexi

[Moonbaseone]

WOW. This is certainly a blast from the past. Came across thos after what, a year?

How is everyone doing? Hope all is well with everyone.

[Mish]

So how did the story finish with that girl?

[Moonbaseone]

So how did the story finish with that girl?

Well, that was in late 2003(wow). Since them she would call or text me once in a blue moon to say hi, etc... usually around the holidays or whatever.

A few months ago, out of nowhere again, she forwards me one of those chain texts that goes something like:

Fwd:L=O=V=E=Y=O=U send 2 every1 u luv (even me) whether its real luv, homie luv, cousin luv, or friend luv see if u get 5 back

I didn't reply and she sent me a message that said, "too scared to respond huh? That's ok, I know the answer. But just curious, do you still miss me?". I laughed(LOLed) and said, ohh sorry. I was away from my phone. I said yeah, sometimes. She basically said how she regretted ever letting go and wondered what could have happened and asked me if I ever wondered what could have happened. She then said how she hasn't really been happy since that day and regrets it.

Since then she said she's had another kid, she already had a daughter when we were together that I was going to adopt someday. She was working as a nurse and got her own place.

I told her that I had also got me a house, been doing good. been busy with work, etc...

So yeah...

[lesa]

Wow the decision haunts her to this day. That's crazy. She couldn’t find a worthy long term replacement.

[Mish]

She's now a single mum with two children, finding a replacement won't be easy.

[IndiReloaded]

Its not that hard. I know a gal (divorced) w/kid who married a guy (widowed) with kid. Nice couple, good they found each other.

[Mish]

Its not that hard. I know a gal (divorced) w/kid who married a guy (widowed) with kid. Nice couple, good they found each other.

Lucky for her, the single mums I've know are feared like the plague or just used.

[Moonbaseone]

Wow the decision haunts her to this day. That's crazy. She couldn’t find a worthy long term replacement.

Yeah. I guess that could be it.

I will admit, when I first heard her say she regretted it I felt kinda good knowing that she realizes that she made a mistake. I mean, I don't want to come off as someone who is just being an a$$ about it, but it was almost like when people say they got closure or whatever. Almost like maybe it wasn't my fault for what happened or whatever. But, after I thought about the situation, I began to feel alittle bad about it.

But everythig happens for a reason...

[Doc Durian]

Lucky you got out when you did.