How could she return to abuser?

[sw1]

The woman i dated had been talking to her ex boyfriend lately. She used to avoid going places where he would be. All 3 of us bike race so we see him at the races. so she would avoid certain events if she knew he was there.

He was constantly emailng and calling her. He wanted to be friends but she didnt. She told me was an a##hole and abusive, said she had lived in constant stress for the last year and was glad to get out away from it. But the last month she started talking to him.

So last week I asked why she was talking to him. she said she just needed to get away from his negative energy so she was being civil with him. Said there was nothing going on. She said she didnt want to introduce me to him because he" was poison" and I was so much
'better than him". Started telling me about all the bad things he had done to her and was also mad at one of her friends for being friendly to him.

Also last week she told me she needed time to hang out with her girlfriends. she had been acting distant for a while but was afrid to say anythin because she feared losing my freiendship. I try to be understanding, she was so thankfull for not being crazy like her ex. She was hugging and kiising me on the cheek for at least 5 minutes.

So yesterday she shows up at the race in his car and she is hanging out with him all day. For two months she has been going to events with me. She practices with me almost everyday during the week , but now she is going with him??

She even introduced me to him. I dont understand this?

I got pissed off , but she told me they are friends and she can hang out with whoever she wants.

Just one week ago she said i was "so much better than him" .I dont understand this, how could she tell me all these bad things about him and then choose to hang out with him instaed of me?

[vashti]

Women who date abusive men are bored by normal men. They are hooked on the drama.

Also, it is a win-win situation for them. If she can get the abusive guy to stop being abusive, then she gets to be a hero, and has confirmation that she is fantastic and loveable. If she can't get the abusive guy to change, she gets everyone's pity for staying with him, and she gets to be a "better person" than he is.

It is all about trying to find self-esteem in the worst possible way.

[GrkScorp]

It's happened to be buddy.. and honestly... STOP TALKING TO HER TODAY.. and let her know why..

Tell her.. "I thought you were nice, but.. I just can't talk to you anymore.. I don't want to have anything to do with you after I found out that you and him are talking.. You've just changed the way I see you.. you're not the person I thought you were"

Period.. make her feel like the same level of sh*t she's made you feel like.. it's only fair.. and it may even help her..

Like vash said.. women like this ARE bored.. and more than that.. have huge self-image problems.. "they think they're not worth it, and deserve to be punished and treated that way.. or maybe even think that nobody would ever like them.. and that since these guys are actually more aggressive, they're lucky in a way to have found a guy in the first place.."

I mean; you can chance it.. but women like that don't respond at all to nice guys.. Sorry.. I learned the hard way.. and it seems so did you.. when a woman calls you "nice/sweet".. just say.. "can you please not call me that.. it's not that it bothers me.. I just really don't like being called that.. because i'm not "nice".. use some other word, but not NICE.."... that way at least you avoid the long-term psychological trap with these kinds of women.. in the back of their minds; your NOT THE NICE GUY..

I honestly think though; that if you do this.. and let her know that you're not speaking to her again, and that you're not friends anymore because of her seeing him.. then she'll change the way SHE thinks about YOU.. (because so far, she thinks you're a wimp).. sorry, but i'm not as polite as vash.. I have to say what's evident.. (not calling you a wimp.. but you have to be a little more manly with women like that for THEM to not think that you're a wimp)..

Added bonus.. when you tell her that... you'll supply her boring life with loads of drama.. so all of a sudden.. you'll be the "boring wimp" gone interesting & manly in her eyes..

I mean.. do that first.. let me know how it goes.. and we'll take it from there if all works out well.. : )

Best of Luck..

[Illusional]

Women who date abusive men are bored by normal men. They are hooked on the drama.

Also, it is a win-win situation for them. If she can get the abusive guy to stop being abusive, then she gets to be a hero, and has confirmation that she is fantastic and loveable. If she can't get the abusive guy to change, she gets everyone's pity for staying with him, and she gets to be a "better person" than he is.

It is all about trying to find self-esteem in the worst possible way.

that's a really interesting way of putting it. it opens my eyes to a totally different world. thumbs up.

raverboy

[Stalin_Skaya]

They want the attention.

[IndiReloaded]

What Vash said. The only addition is that, in a larger context, every action that someone takes is done b/c it fulfills some need they have.

In her case, until she stops needing whatever she gets from him, or learns to get it from someplace else, she will continue to see him.

Its pretty basic human psychology.

[sw1]

Waht kills me the most is she thinks we can continue hanging out as friends while she sleeps at her at her ex boyfriends house??????????She is 38 by the way.

[squirrley]

Ive been in an abusive relationship, but didnt see other people when we had our breaks. For my situation looking back on it, I was so dependant on him, didnt think I could live without him. I was alot younger than she was at the time. But it wasnt because he was a bad boy it wasnt like that, it was a control issue though. I felt like I couldnt take a dump without him. It was him who eventually ended it and I wanted to die. But thank God, I was able to get through it.

There are so many reasons why she's probably gone back to him, but you obviously were a safe place for her in the meantime. I personally wouldnt take her back and expect to just hang out like nothing has happened. You were hurt in the middle of it all. Im not saying she didnt have feelings for you, but I guarantee he's got something over her and it didnt take much for her to go back.

Id let her go even as a friend at this time. EVERY time they get into a fight or something comes up you will be the fall guy. Dont allow yourself to be that person. It does suck and Im sorry for you. But knowing Ive been in an abusive relationship, theres something that keeps her hanging on...and its not real love.

[sw1]

This may sound a bit cocky, but I thought i was a way better catch than him. He is 5 inches shorter than her . I am taller , younger, in better shape and I think better looking. Thought there was no way she could go back to him. She used to tell me she felt like she was with a little boy.

[squirrley]

You may be and probably ARE better than he is, she's already told the things he's not and the things you ARE. But being it was an and probably still is or will continue to be an abusive situation there is nothing you can do but say to yourself "Ok Im the better person here and if she's decided to go back, than its HER loss and your gain". Honestly, this isnt an ideal situation or relationship you will want to have right now. If one day and chances are that relationship will be over, you dont want to be on the back burner, youre better than that.

Im now married and didnt think that the abuse I recieved would carry onto the next serious relationship but it did. My marriage isnt the best right now because of my son, but I show signs of an abused person. It doesnt necessarily bother my husband but he hurts for me.

Im suggesting you just pull back from the situation altogether. She's not going to be able to give you what you deserve. You dont want to be the person who gets sloppy seconds. Also she will need time to regain her own self worth too. Took me almost 5 yrs to recover.

Let her go...youre better than that!

[Gigabitch]

This may sound a bit cocky, but I thought i was a way better catch than him. He is 5 inches shorter than her . I am taller , younger, in better shape and I think better looking. Thought there was no way she could go back to him. She used to tell me she felt like she was with a little boy.

And if he's a little boy, she feels like the "good one", doesn't she? She can constantly tell herself she's too good for her boyfriend, and never worry that he'll leave her because they're tangled up worse than the cables on the back of my computer (what a ****ing mess).

That "let's be friends" thing is BULLSHIT. If you've ever been attracted to her enough to have sex with her, she is not your friend. That doesn't mean you can't be amicable, and friendLY, but hanging out? No.

I am sitting three feet away from a guy who was an ex-boyfriend and then a "friend" for years. As soon as we were both single again, we started having red-hot animal sex. Do friends do that? No, they don't.

Don't kid yourself. You cannot be friends with your ex, and neither can she. She'll be back in bed with him soon.

[jane]

So this may sound stupid .. but I bet if you ask Squirt ...she may agree. I was in an abusinve relationship for years. My mom too... and I know that she stays with he because he's "safe" .. . I dont mean like safe he wont hurt her.. I mean safe like she already knows what to expect. The thing about new relationships for people that get out of bad ones like that... is that we are so vunerable without really knowing just how much until we start a new relationship. It gets scary and we get insecure so we go back to what we are "used too". Does that make sense?

[sw1]

...................

[jane]

your welcome hun! I didnt see that you said thanks! I new to the "thanks" system. Sorry love!

[Ailish]

The problem with abusive relationships is despite anything else going on there is psychological control of the victim. So you can present this women with the most wonderful life, but she won't be able to see if because of the hold this looser has. Ordinary people can't make sense of it, because they probably haven't lived in an environment where your life is controlled completely and subtly by another person.

It can take years and many attempts for someone to leave their abuser (man or woman). How many times has she tried to leave him?

Either way, if she has gone back to him now, I would jump out of the loop. At best be there for her if she needs someone to run to but NOT into bed with IYSWIM? She probably didn't tell you she was going back, because she knows what she said and is now embarrassed that she is back with him. I did that.

Screwed I know, but her head is being messed so its perhaps understandable her behaviour and actions are going to follow.

Abuse victimes don't get off on the attention, they don't think they are worth a 'good guy', they think they deserve the treatment they get to some degree or another. Or at least that was my experience for four years and what I have come to learn from other women in abusive environments.